Because Nature Favors Disorder
by Molly Larch
Summary: Literati. He thought apologizing was supposed to make things easier. Neither one of them expected this. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: Okay, so I've never actually let anyone read any of my stuff before. It's a bit scary letting people I don't know see something that I've created, but I'm feeling particularly brave right now. All I ask is that the criticism is creative and not intended to hurt. Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
Chapter One: One Day You Belonged To Me  
  
The paper was thin, and the sound of the pen scratching against the tabletop was loud in his ears. Jess was writing quickly, but his handwriting was still small and precise. She'd recognize it even if he didn't sign it, but he did anyway. He lay the pen down and looked over what he'd just written. It was short and to the point. Honest, like he should have been six months ago.  
  
He dug through the desk drawer until he found a small envelope and a roll of stamps. Taking a deep breath, he wrote the familiar address on the envelope and affixed the stamp. Folding the sheet once, he slipped it inside and sealed the flap. He lost the internal argument he'd been having with himself and added the return address to the outside of the envelope, but it was only the address. He left off his name.  
  
Now that it was finished, he became nervous. All he had left to do was mail it, but placing the small white rectangle into the large blue box on the corner seemed like the most daunting task he'd ever faced. What if it came back unopened? What if it didn't come back? What if a reply came back? Did it matter to him? If he was being honest with himself, then, yes, it mattered a lot. He never wanted Rory to hate him, but what if that's exactly what this letter did? But he was apologizing, sort of. Wasn't that supposed to make things better? Not fix them entirely, not erase what he'd done, but at least make it easier for them both to move on?  
  
Jess had sat down to write this note on a whim, thinking it would be a gesture to show Rory that he knew he had hurt her and was trying to change, but the longer he sat with it the more questions that it raised. Maybe he should save himself the pain of wondering how it would affect Rory and not send it. He picked up the envelope, preparing to rip it in half, but a small voice from behind him stopped him.  
  
"What're you doing?"  
  
Jess turned and glared at the little blonde girl. "Nothing. Go away."  
  
She chose instead to come closer. "Who're you writing to?"  
  
"No one."  
  
"Connecticut," she said, reading the envelope in his hand. "Jimmy says that's where you lived before you came here. Are you writing to your mom?"  
  
He fought the urge to laugh. "Liz doesn't live in Connecticut."  
  
"Well, who does?"  
  
"No one, Lily! Leave it alone!" He almost immediately felt bad for yelling at her. She didn't have anything to do with why he was frustrated, but he had a long history of lashing out without considering the consequences. That was half the reason behind the letter in the envelope he was holding. He pushed out of the chair, grabbed his jacket off the back of it, and bolted for the door. He could hear Lily and then Sasha calling after him, inquiring where he was going, but he didn't answer.  
  
Almost twenty minutes later, he finally stopped walking. Looking up, Jess realized that he was in front of the post office. The envelope was still clutched in his hand. A tiny part of the back of his brain was screaming that it was a cosmic sign. He tried to ignore it, but the voice sounded remarkably like Rory's voice. Sighing heavily in frustration and fear, he slipped the envelope into the outgoing slot. The nagging part of his brain uttered a sweet thank you, and he wondered then if he was going insane.  
  
"Yes, Jess, you are insane. You just sent a letter to a girl who probably hates you, and now you're standing in front of a post office talking to yourself. I think that qualifies as certifiable."  
  
Shaking his head, Jess turned and starting walking back to the house. While he was walking, he thought about what he'd just done. Was it too late to run back and try to get them to give the letter back to him? Probably. Damn it. Some quick mental math revealed that the letter'd probably reach the address he'd sent it to on Wednesday. Maybe it would get tossed out before the weekend when she would return home and see it, or maybe Lorelai would somehow recognize his handwriting and throw it out before Rory even knew it existed.  
  
The date suddenly came screeching into his head. Thursday was Thanksgiving. She'd be home, and she'd get the letter, likely on the same day it arrived. She'd probably even take it out of the mailbox herself. At the very least Lorelai'd give it to her without much look at where it had come from. There was almost no way Rory wouldn't get the letter. He was a moron.  
  
He stumbled blindly through the gate of the house, brushing aside dogs as he entered the house again. Sasha was waiting for him and looking less than pleased.  
  
"Where did you go?"  
  
"I had to mail a letter."  
  
"To whom?"  
  
'Whom'? A lecture with proper grammar? This woman was weirder than he thought. "It's none of your business."  
  
Sasha's eyes narrowed, and she took a deep breath. "But it is my business when you snap at my kid."  
  
"Yeah. Sorry."  
  
"Tell her, not me."  
  
"Fine." Jess wandered into Jimmy's office and pulled open the closet. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."  
  
Lily looked up from the bottom of the closet. "Okay."  
  
Jess nodded once and tried to close the door, but Lily pushed it back open.  
  
"What?" he asked.  
  
"Were you writing to that girl?"  
  
Jess felt his body give an involuntary jerk. "What girl?"  
  
"You left a book on the couch the other day. I wanted to know what it was about, so I picked it up. A picture of a girl fell out of it. Were you writing to her?"  
  
Jess mentally slapped himself. He couldn't believe he'd left that picture lying around, but he was trying to be nicer to the young girl, so he answered her. "Yeah, I was writing to her."  
  
"She's very pretty," Lily sighed. "Is she your girlfriend?"  
  
"She was once," he admitted.  
  
"Why isn't she anymore?" Lily asked, innocent like only little girls are.  
  
"Because I screwed up."  
  
Lily tilted her head and looked up at him. "Did you say you were sorry?"  
  
"Sort of." The letter was sort of an apology. It just hadn't been received yet. "Listen, Lil, I don't want to talk about her, okay?" He sounded harsher than he meant to, but she didn't seem to notice.  
  
"Okay," she shrugged. "Shut the door?"  
  
Jess did as he was asked and then sat back in Jimmy's desk chair. Faintly, he wished he had his own cupboard to hide in. It would have made so many times in his life easier if he could have just hidden away from them. Unfortunately, it was too late for him to hide. Now he just had to wait, out in the open and more exposed than he'd ever been. 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: Wow! I never expected such a positive response so quickly. You've all warmed my heart. And now that I understand the power of reviews first hand, I promise to not be so lax in my own reviewing.  
  
Quite a few of you expressed wanting to know the content of Jess' letter, and it will be in this chapter, though I don't know if it's what you're expecting. I hope no one is disappointed.  
  
Also, someone raised the question of whether Lily's hair was perhaps brown and not blonde. If I remember correctly (and it's possible I don't) it was sort of an in-between shade that could go either way. My own hair is that sort of color, and I refer to it as blonde, so that's what I went with. If it is in fact brown . . . well, let's just pretend, shall we? ( Now, on with the story!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
Chapter Two: When We're Least Expecting It  
  
Wednesday Afternoon in Connecticut  
  
Rory tumbled through the front door with a grateful sigh. She was so glad to be home. Yale was great, but she hadn't counted on Paris as a roommate. Sure, it had sounded like a good idea, living with someone she already knew, but the Gilmore organizational method of controlled chaos did not mesh with Paris' rigidity. The four day holiday weekend was long overdue. She smiled widely thinking that the holiday also meant dinner with the Kim's, Luke, and Sookie. She was just beginning to daydream about eating until she exploded when the door burst open behind her, and she was nearly knocked to the floor by her mother charging in, bobbling keys, coffee cup, and mail.  
  
"No!" Lorelai whined, almost stamping her foot on the floor like a child. "I wanted to be here when you got home! Stupid Kirk!"  
  
"What did Kirk do now?" Rory almost dreaded hearing his latest scheme/catastrophe.  
  
"He stopped me outside Doose's all crazy eyed and frantic . . . "  
  
Rory laughed, "That's not new."  
  
" . . . babbling about being the mascot for the inn. He wants to dress up like a dragonfly and greet people when they check in."  
  
"And yet, that's not the craziest thing he suggested this week," Rory pointed out.  
  
"Nope," Lorelai agreed. "It might actually be time to suggest he go on some sort of medication. Or at the very least start following him with a hidden camera. There's money to be made off his weirdness, I can feel it."  
  
"Maybe the psychology department will want him for a case study. I'll ask around," Rory promised, watching Lorelai sort through the mail in her hand.  
  
Lorelai sighed, "Bill, bill, bill. Why don't these people understand that I have no money. Oh, hey! This one's for you." She thrust the envelope into Rory's hand and then wrapped her in a hug. "I missed you, Gilmore."  
  
"I was just here two weeks ago, Mom," Rory said, returning the hug and letting her mother drag her further into the house.  
  
Lorelai sighed melodramatically, "And it was the longest two weeks of my life! Tonight, we order from Al's, and you'll tell me all about why Paris called here the other night shrieking about paper clips and color coding folders."  
  
Rory giggled, "Yeah, that's a good story. You go change, and I'll call for food." She was still laughing as Lorelai disappeared upstairs. Snatching up the phone, Rory headed to the kitchen for the menu drawer, but stopped at the table when she remembered that the letter her mother had given her was still in her hand. She turned it over to see who it was from, and the phone dropped from her suddenly limp fingers.  
  
The white rectangle was innocuous enough from the back, but the front was an entirely different story. Familiar lettering stood out in bold relief on the stark surface. She glanced at the return address, and her heart skipped while her stomach rolled. Venice, California. No name, but she only knew of one person there. Jess.  
  
It would be a lie to say she never thought about him. She thought about him at least once a day. Something would happen in one of her classes and she'd think, 'Oh, Jess'll love this,' only to remember he wasn't around to hear about it. Even after six months, and despite what she tried to make herself believe, she wasn't truly over him. Did she want to open the letter and that wound again?  
  
Apparently she did. Shaking fingers turned over the envelope and slid under the edge of the flap. The glue gave with a small tear, and a single folded sheet of paper fell into her hand. The thin sheet crinkled as she unfolded it.  
  
I know I loved you. I'm sorry. Jess  
  
That was it. There was nothing else written on the sheet, but it was more than enough. Rory sank shakily to the floor and buried her head in her upraised knees. Lorelai found her in the same position when she came into the kitchen five minutes later.  
  
"So what did you order . . . Rory! What's wrong?" Lorelai knelt next to her daughter on the floor. "Sweetie? What's the matter?"  
  
Rory refused to raise her head, but she held out the letter. Lorelai took it and read it repeatedly, making sure she was really seeing it.  
  
"Oh, Rory, honey." Pulling Rory into her lap, Lorelai whispered soothing nonsense words into her daughter's hair.  
  
She wasn't crying, but Rory couldn't stop her body from shaking like she was. It was strange. Maybe her tear ducts were broken. Could you break your tear ducts? She didn't think so, but that must be it because otherwise there would be tears. Her hand came up and rubbed at her eyes, and she jolted when it came away wet. "Oh . . . "  
  
Lorelai looked down at Rory. "What?"  
  
"I am crying," Rory whispered. "I didn't think I was. I couldn't tell. What do you think that means? That I can't tell if I'm crying?"  
  
"I think that means that maybe you're not ready to deal with this right now."  
  
Rory didn't respond, just sniffed and buried her head in her mother's shoulder. As she continued to cry she couldn't help wondering exactly when she would be able to deal with it. With him.  
  
**********  
  
The Next Morning  
  
Rory hadn't slept at all. She spent the entire night curled in a ball on her bed, alternately re-reading the letter, crying, and remembering the year before. It was only a little over a year ago that she and Jess had gotten together. At this time last year, they were still finding their comfort zone together, learning new little things about each other everyday. She remembered him sneaking up on her outside the market and kissing her in the middle of the street. She remembered how she had balked and pushed him into a corner before continuing to kiss him. He'd been upset that she wasn't comfortable with him kissing her in front of others, but he'd also understood. And it wasn't like she'd never warmed to kissing him in public. By Christmas they'd perfected kissing and walking at the same time. That memory made her smile.  
  
Other memories didn't make her smile. She remembered the night he came to meet her grandmother with a black eye and when he'd lied about going to school. She remembered Kyle's party and not going to the prom. She remembered the last time she saw him on the bus to Hartford. He didn't even say good-bye. He never said good-bye.  
  
Groaning in frustration, she threw off the covers and pulled on an old pair of jeans and a sweater. It was only 6:30, but she knew she'd be welcome where she was going. She quietly opened the kitchen door and slipped out, being careful not to wake her mother. Minutes later, she'd reached her destination.  
  
Luke spotted her before she even had to knock on the glass of the door. He unlocked the door and let her in.  
  
"Everything all right, Rory? I didn't think you or your mother even knew this time of day existed." He poured her a cup of coffee without asking if she wanted it and set it before her on the counter.  
  
"We're fine." Rory sipped gently at the hot liquid and sighed. "Um, Luke? You went to visit Jess, right?"  
  
Luke wasn't sure he should answer her, but the almost pleading tone in Rory's voice told him he had to tell her the truth. "Sort of. I brought him some of his books and stuff when I went on vacation at the end of August. We didn't talk much, but I saw him."  
  
"Oh. So, then, maybe you might have a phone number for where he's living?"  
  
"Rory, why are you asking about Jess all of a sudden? I thought you were over him."  
  
She took a shaking breath, "I got a . . . he sent . . . a letter came yesterday."  
  
The spoons Luke was sorting clattered to the floor. "A letter? What kind of letter?" Please let the boy have apologized. He couldn't stand the haunted look that filled Rory's eyes occasionally when she came in and stared at the curtain leading upstairs.  
  
"Well, it was sort a personal letter." Rory gnawed at her lower lip while watching Luke pick up the dropped spoons. "I was just hoping that I could get his phone number so I could talk to him."  
  
He sighed and nodded, "Okay. It's upstairs. Do you want to come up or . . . "  
  
"No!" Rory yelped and then blushed at her outburst. "I mean, that's okay. I'll just wait right here."  
  
Luke smiled as gently as he could at the jittery young woman in front of him. Of course she didn't want to go upstairs. Jess' bed and a small pile of his stuff was still up there. "Okay, I'll be right back."  
  
Rory tapped her fingers nervously on the counter. She was doing the right thing, wasn't she? She had to deal with this situation with Jess. A letter may have worked for him, but she needed to hear things in his voice, needed to talk them out. It wouldn't work any other way; that's what she'd decided somewhere around three this morning.  
  
Luke's footsteps pounded loudly on the stairs. He brushed the curtain aside and came around to sit next to Rory. With a heavy sigh, he handed her a note card with a phone number hastily scribbled on it.  
  
"That's his dad's number in California. As far as I know he's still staying there, and if he isn't Jimmy'll probably know where Jess is at." Luke looked out of the corner of his eye at Rory. "Are you sure you want to do this?"  
  
"No," she sighed, "but want to or not, I have to. I have to actually deal with the way he left instead of pretending that it's okay and that it doesn't bother me."  
  
Luke nodded. He understood what she was dealing with. Jess had bailed on him as well, and it was hard to understand when the kid was so tight lipped about how he felt. "Do what you need to do, Rory. Don't let him get away with this anymore."  
  
"Thanks, Luke." She folded the card and slipped it carefully into her pocket. "I'll see you later, okay?"  
  
"I'll save you and your mom a turkey."  
  
Rory laughed softly, and, almost without thinking, leaned over and hugged Luke. "I'll let you know how it goes," she told him.  
  
Luke shook his head, "You don't have to do that."  
  
"He hurt you, too. I'll let you know." Setting her shoulders, Rory walked out of the diner with a determination she hadn't felt in a long time. She was going to call Jess. Tomorrow. Or possibly Saturday. But she was definitely going to call him. Maybe. 


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: Wow! Another batch of wonderful reviews. I'm glad that people are enjoying this so much. The much asked after phone conversation is in this chapter, but if you're hoping for something fluffy you'd better look somewhere else. There's lots of yelling coming up, and few spots of questionable language. I'm sorry if it offends anyone, but I feel that Jess probably has a mouth on him when he's upset.  
  
Also, this will likely be the last of the fairly frequent updates, as this is the last chapter that I have fully completed. I originally intended for this to be two chapters, but I felt they worked better staying together. Rest assured that I do have bits of upcoming chapters typed, but there's still the matter of fully fleshing them out and polishing them to my liking.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
Chapter Three: I Hear a Voice Come On the Wind  
  
Sunday Night  
  
Rory sat on her bed with the phone in her lap. Propped against her pillow was the phone number she'd gotten from Luke. She was alone in the room; Paris wasn't due back from visiting Jamie until the morning just before her first class. Rory'd been debating over calling Jess all weekend. She had picked up the phone, dialed the area code and first three digits, and hung up before going further at least a dozen times since Thursday night. Now it was nearing midnight on Sunday, she had to get up in six hours, and she knew that she wouldn't be able to sleep unless she completed the call.  
  
Picking up the phone, Rory furiously dialed all ten numbers before she could stop herself and waited, shaking and tense, for someone to pick up on the other end. The ringing seemed to go on forever, sharp and trilling in her ear, but truthfully the phone only rang three times before someone picked it up.  
  
"Hello?" The voice belonged to a young sounding girl.  
  
Rory took a deep breath, "Um, hi. Is Jess Mariano there?"  
  
"Uh-huh." There was no indication that the girl was going to give up phone.  
  
"May I talk to him, please?"  
  
"Okay." Footsteps echoed through the phone and a door creaked. "The phone's for you," came softly over the line. The girl had covered the mouthpiece but not well. "It's a girl."  
  
There was a thump and then, "Yeah?" It was him.  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"Rory. Um . . . hey." There was a scuffling on his end of the phone. "Hang on a sec?"  
  
"Sure, I guess." Rory bit her lip and strained to listen to what he was saying.  
  
He sounded frustrated. "What, Lily?"  
  
The girl who answered the phone spoke, "Is that the picture girl?"  
  
Jess sighed, "Yeah. Shouldn't you be asleep by now?"  
  
"Tell her I think she's very pretty," the girl insisted. "Then I'll go."  
  
"Fine." Jess got back on the line. "Lily thinks you're very pretty."  
  
Rory felt herself blush, "Um . . . tell her thank you."  
  
"She says thank you, now will you go to bed?" Footsteps scampered away and a door slammed. "I'm sorry about her," Jess told Rory.  
  
"It's okay. She sounded sweet. Who is she?"  
  
"She's Jimmy's girlfriend's daughter." Jess blew out a heavy breath. "She kinda found one of the pictures of you I took over Christmas last year, when you were throwing tinsel around the diner, and she's been asking about you ever since."  
  
Rory didn't know how she felt hearing that he kept pictures of her around after all this time. "You have pictures of me out?" It sounded almost accusatory in her ears. She wished she could take it back.  
  
Jess hesitated, "Well . . . I use one as a bookmark. I . . . jeez . . . I like having it around, I guess."  
  
"Oh." Rory didn't know what else to say to that.  
  
"I wasn't expecting you to call," Jess admitted. "How did you know where to . . . "  
  
"Luke."  
  
"Oh, right."  
  
"Why are you sorry?" Rory suddenly blurted.  
  
"What?" Jess sounded like he'd been slapped. Verbally, he kind of had been.  
  
"In your letter. You said you were sorry. Why? Are you sorry you loved me?"  
  
Jess swallowed audibly, "No. I'm sorry I didn't know how to handle loving you. That I couldn't do it right."  
  
Rory's chest suddenly felt tight, "Jess . . . I . . . why . . . "  
  
"I never loved anybody before. I didn't know how to do it. I mean, I tried, but it just . . . I couldn't . . . "  
  
"Jess, stop. It's okay. You don't have to say anymore." Rory thought she needed to hear him, but she was starting to feel like she'd made a horrible mistake in calling him.  
  
"No, Rory! I do have to say it! I loved you! I loved you, and it scared me. I was trying to do the right things, to be someone you could be proud of, and instead I screwed it all up. Nothing went the way I thought it would, and I didn't know how to tell you about it. And then I tried to show you how I felt, and I screwed that up too. Everything I touched fell apart, and I didn't want to wreck you too, not any more than I already had."  
  
Rory was crying, tears streaking down her face. "Stop it! I can't do this. This isn't what I want. I thought I was going to call, let you apologize for whatever it is you think you have to apologize for, and then yell at you for writing to me after six months and making me feel all these things that I'm feeling."  
  
She heaved a ragged breath and sobbed harshly before finding her voice again and continuing to yell at him.  
  
"I told you I wasn't going to pine, that you shouldn't expect me to wait for you . . . but part of me has. A part of me still thinks about you every day, wants to share things with you, wants to laugh with you, and it's killing me. I can pretend that I'm fine, and that it was no big deal that you took off, but no matter what I tell my mother or myself, it hurts so much! I thought I could call and hear you out, say my piece, and finally get over you. It's not . . . this isn't going to . . . I'm sorry, Jess. I just can't."  
  
The phone clattered noisily back into its cradle, and Rory pushed the whole thing to the floor, not caring if it fell of the hook again or broke. Burying her head in her pillow, Rory wept bitterly in pain, sadness, and confusion until exhaustion overrode her body and she slipped into a restless and uneven sleep.  
  
**********  
  
At the same time, on the other side of the country, Jess sat listening to the incessant buzzing of the dial tone. It felt like he'd been pelted in the chest with a load of bricks. All he'd wanted was to apologize, to show Rory that he'd grown in some small part, and somehow things had gone incredibly wrong. He had no way of knowing that she was still holding feelings for him. When he'd called her last summer, she'd told him everything she'd just reiterated, and he had believed her. He had written to her because he'd wanted her to know that he knew he did things wrong. He wanted in some way to make things up to her. Apparently he couldn't do that right either.  
  
"Damn it! Damn it!" Jess pushed out of the desk chair and began pacing the office. Now he really had a problem. He didn't know what he'd done, but he had to fix it . . . again. And this time he needed help. Picking up the phone again, he dialed a familiar number, knowing he wasn't going to be warmly received on the other end.  
  
The ringing was ended by a gravelly, "What?"  
  
"Luke."  
  
"Jess? It's almost one in the morning . . . what did you do?" Luke sounded pissed.  
  
Jess decided to continue with his recent honesty kick. "I kinda screwed up, Luke."  
  
Luke grunted, but not in surprise. "You break something or someone out there? I'm not helping you if you got kicked out of another house."  
  
"No. I sort of sent Rory this letter."  
  
"Yeah. I know. She call you?"  
  
"Yeah, just now. I said some stuff, tried to apologize for the way I took off, and she sorta flipped."  
  
Luke kicked a chair out from the apartment table and sat down heavily. "What happened?" He couldn't believe he was helping Jess after everything the boy had put him through, but Luke didn't want to see Rory hurt anymore than she had been.  
  
"When I wrote . . . see right after I left, I called her a couple of times and hung up without saying anything, and she started talking the last time 'cause she knew it was me. She said she might have been in love with me, and I treated her like shit, and I should have just talked to her or at least said good bye. And she was right about all of that."  
  
"Jess, speed it up," Luke barked.  
  
"Yeah, okay, so I wrote and told her that I loved her, and I was sorry." Jess hesitated before continuing. "I told her all that when she called, said I was sorry I didn't know how to treat her better, told her I bailed so I wouldn't hurt her anymore, and she freaked."  
  
"What am I supposed to do about it?" Luke wished Jess was around so he could shake the boy until he reached a point.  
  
"She went off and started yelling that she couldn't talk to me 'cause she still had feelings for me, and she couldn't listen to me because it was too hard." Jess' voice broke, and he knew his breathing was erratic. "How do I fix it?"  
  
"You're asking me for advice about women?" Luke asked incredulously. "Can't you talk to Jimmy about this?"  
  
"Luke, he's just like me. He won't know how to handle this anymore than I do. When stuff like this happens, he runs."  
  
Luke snorted into the phone. "But I'm some sort of idiot savant when it comes to women?"  
  
Jess growled in frustration, "Better you than my dad, whose answer for everything is to take off."  
  
"And where have I seen that before?" Luke asked snidely.  
  
"I fucking know!" Jess shouted. "That's what I'm trying to change here!" Jess took a deep breath to calm down. "You've known Rory forever, Luke. You know how she is. Tell me what I can do to make it better." There was silence in Jess' ear, and he reached out further, "I'm finally asking you for help, Luke. I should have done it a long time ago for a lot of different reasons. I know I gave you a million reasons to be angry with me, but, please, help me."  
  
"I don't think I can, Jess" Luke told him. "I don't think you can fix this in a letter or a phone call. Rory tried not to let anyone see it, but she was devastated when you left. She's going to need time to deal with the fact that she can't pretend you fell of the face of the earth anymore."  
  
Jess sighed, feeling defeated and hopeless again. "So, what? I give up and accept the fact that Rory hates me?"  
  
"I don't think she hates you, Jess. If she hated you, she wouldn't have acknowledged you at all. Just give her time." Luke scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed wearily. "Look, I'll check up on her in a couple of days, okay? If it doesn't look like she's going to try to talk to you again, I'll let you know so you can do something if you still think you have to."  
  
"Otherwise I just have to wait?" Jess asked.  
  
"Yeah. Might do you some good to feel like you used to make her feel, ya know?"  
  
Jess nodded in agreement and then realized that Luke couldn't see him over the phone. "I think I already do, but yeah. Okay. Thank you, Luke."  
  
"I'm not doing this for you, Jess. I'm tired of seeing Rory get hurt and you being the cause."  
  
"I know. I'm sorry." Jess took a slow breath, and it echoed in the phone. "I'm sorry I just took off on you, too. I should have said that when you were here, but . . . . I look at Jimmy, Luke, and I don't want to be almost forty before I finally figure myself out. He's stuck in this weird place, like he still thinks he's twenty or something. He's got his business and all, but he's still, I don't know. Sasha called him Peter Pan the other day."  
  
Luke nodded on the other end of the phone. "Yeah. That sounds about right. Even when he was with your mom he was like that." Luke scrubbed a hand over his tired eyes. "Jess, you aren't your father, no matter what you mother may have told you. Just remember that, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"I'll talk to you in a few days." Luke hung up without saying good-bye or allowing Jess to do so. Slumping, he let his head rest on the back of the stiff wooden chair for a moment before pushing to his feet with a heavy groan. Just when he thought life was calming down, Jess popped back up and set the whirlwind in motion again. Luke wasn't sure if he wanted to kill the kid or thank him for making life interesting again.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: For those of you planning to review (and I treasure each and every review) I'm toying with a possible Luke/Jimmy phone conversation in a future chapter. Would that be something you'd be interested in? Let me know what you think of that idea as well as this third chapter. Thanks so much for reading! 


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes: Thank you all for all your kind words. However, I want to address something that came up in a few different reviews. I'm afraid that there's an assumption that Jess will be returning to Stars Hollow. He WILL, but it's going to be a long time coming. This story is turning into something far longer than I ever imagined, and so much more has to happen before I consider putting Jess back in Connecticut. I just want to make that clear, because I'm afraid people are expecting it to happen soon.  
  
That said, here's chapter four. It's a little shorter than the last chapter. I apologize for that, but I just hit a wall with this one. Paris makes an appearance here, and as much as I love her, I'm not sure I do her justice. You'll have to let me know how I did with her.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Four: I Don't Know How, I Don't Know When  
  
Wednesday Evening  
  
Rory rested her forehead wearily against the door to her dorm room as she tried to jam the key into the temperamental lock. She let out a muffled shriek as the door was unexpectedly torn open from the other side. Barely regaining her balance by clutching the door frame, Rory looked up into Paris' angry face.  
  
"Where have you been?" the blonde growled.  
  
"In the library," Rory sighed. "I left a note. What's the matter?"  
  
"The phone, that's what the matter is. It's been ringing every half an hour since six o'clock. It's now after nine. That's seven times that I've been interrupted. Seven times that I've had to answer the phone when I could have been working on my politics paper."  
  
The phone rang again, cutting Paris off in mid rant, and causing the girl to growl again.  
  
"That'll be for you," she told Rory.  
  
Sighing again, Rory lifted the phone and tucked it between her ear and shoulder. "Hello?"  
  
"Rory? Is that you?"  
  
She had been struggling out of her coat, but the voice on the other end of the phone surprised her, and Rory sat down hard on the edge of her bed. "Luke?"  
  
"Yeah. Does that girl you live with have some kind of rage problem?" Luke asked. "She's nastier than your mother without coffee."  
  
"That's just Paris; you've met a couple of times. You interrupted her studying." Rory clutched the phone tighter against her neck as she took off her shoes. "Not to sound ungrateful or anything, Luke, but why are you calling me?" A horrible thought suddenly occurred to Rory. "Did something happen to my mom?"  
  
Luke spoke quickly to keep Rory from panicking. "No. No, Lorelai's fine. She was in here a couple of hours ago clogging her arteries some more, but she's fine."  
  
Rory took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Oh, good."  
  
"I wanted something else." Luke paused and tried to figure out what to say. "Ah . . . Jess called me a few days ago."  
  
"He did?" Rory hoped she sounded neutral but was sure she didn't. "Why would he do that?"  
  
Luke's breath rattled loudly over the phone. "He was worried about you."  
  
"Oh? Why would he suddenly worry about me now?" Her voice sounded unnaturally high in her own ears.  
  
"Rory, I know you called him on Sunday. He said you flipped out over the phone."  
  
"Is that what he said?" She knew she was being evasive by only answering with questions, but Rory hoped Luke wouldn't notice. She should have known better. After all, he used to live with the king of evasive.  
  
"If you don't want to talk to me about this, that's fine. But listen, Rory, you need to talk to Jess again. You need to hear him apologize as much as he needs to do it."  
  
Rory glanced over at Paris. The other girl was bent over her desk, scribbling notes furiously and not paying attention to Rory. Rory turned further toward the wall and dropped her voice anyway.  
  
"Luke, I don't know what to do. Hearing his voice again . . . it's hard. It makes me remember things, and I don't want to remember them. I don't want to remember how much I cared about him, how much I . . . "  
  
"You don't have to say," Luke said quickly. He had a good idea of what Rory was going to say next, and he was embarrassed enough.  
  
Rory leaned against the wall and shivered. "What do I do, Luke? I just want to forget him, and I can't."  
  
"Why do you two think I'm capable of telling you how to fix this?" Luke muttered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing. Never mind. Look, I told Jess that I'd talk to you, so that's what I'm doing."  
  
Rory felt the tears start and couldn't stop them. "What does he want from me, Luke? Why now?"  
  
"I only know what he tells me, and that's not much. I think he just wants you to listen to him, to know that he's trying to change, and he's sorry. He's hoping that someday you can forgive him."  
  
"So he can move on and feel better about himself, I'm sure."  
  
"No, I don't think so. I think he's more concerned about you right now."  
  
Rory sniffled, "I just don't know, Luke."  
  
"Okay. I'm just doing what I told Jess I would do." Luke cleared his throat quietly. "I'll let you go now, Rory. Just . . . just take care of yourself okay?"  
  
"Okay, Luke. I'll see you soon."  
  
"Sure. Bye, Rory."  
  
"Bye, Luke." Rory scrubbed at her eyes and listened to the dial tone for a moment, trying to calm down. Turning, she hung up the phone and flopped onto her back and stared at the wall. She lay like that for a long time, eyes unfocused and mind empty. A while later, she wasn't sure how long, Rory sat up again.  
  
"Paris," she asked uneasily, "can I talk to you for a minute?"  
  
The blonde tossed her pen down and turned to face her roommate. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You've been moping around all week, and now that flannel clad diner man is calling you, something that's never happened before." Paris leaned forward. "I know I can be a little stiff, but you've helped me with Jamie, so I kind of owe you one."  
  
Rory took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. Do you remember Jess?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"He wrote me a letter. I got it over Thanksgiving break."  
  
"Oh," Paris said quietly. Rory had told her little bits of what had happened with Jess. "That must have been strange."  
  
Rory nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and then I called him."  
  
"What for?" Paris' eyes widened in surprise. "Why would you call him after what he did?"  
  
"He said he'd loved me," Rory admitted.  
  
"And you fell for that?"  
  
"Paris, just listen, okay?" Rory drew her knees up on the bed and rested her chin on them. "He said he was sorry for what he did, and I just . . . I heard his voice again, and it was so hard not to be mad at him."  
  
"Try harder," Paris said shortly. "Don't take anymore of his crap, Rory. Sometimes you're too nice for your own good."  
  
Rory grumbled in frustration. "I don't know what to do here, Paris. I need you to listen, not jump down my throat."  
  
"Fine, fine. Go ahead. I'll keep my opinions to myself until you're finished."  
  
"Good." Rory took a deep breath and tried to compose her thoughts. "Okay, so, Jess apologized in the note he sent and when I talked to him. And Luke seems to think that I need to hear Jess out, but when I hear his voice it's like I turn into one of those marshmallow bunnies they sell at Easter. All soft and gooey and capable of being flattened by sticky fingers."  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about, what with my being Jewish and having a low tolerance for refined sugar, but I'm assuming Jess is the one with the messy hands?"  
  
"Covered in sugar and bunny guts. Wow, that sounds yuckier out loud than it did in my head." Rory shook her head, "Anyway, he still makes me feel vulnerable, and I'm afraid that if I let him apologize I'll take him back."  
  
"So don't," Paris said firmly.  
  
"Don't what?" Rory asked, confused. "Talk to him or take him back?"  
  
"Either. He's the one that's at fault here, Rory. If he wants to talk, make him come to you. That way you can control the situation. He calls, you don't want to talk, you hang up. Or give me the phone. I can think of plenty to say to him."  
  
Rory couldn't begin to think of the things that Paris would say to Jess. "That's okay. You don't have to do that for me. I just wish there were some way to prepare for talking to him, but I don't know what he's going to say. I could figure out the old Jess. He was always sarcastic and never told the total truth, but now he's different. He's being more honest and actually telling me things."  
  
"You have to be firm. A strong front. No matter what he says, you have to remember that you're angry with him and not cave just because he says something nice."  
  
Rory nodded slightly, "I guess. I don't know. This was so much easier when I ignored it and pretended that everything was fine."  
  
Paris snorted, "Sure, perfectly fine, until it all exploded and you had a meltdown to rival my own."  
  
Rory managed a small smile. "I doubt I could have matched that. I mean, where would I find a camera crew and a nationally broadcast feed to freak out in front of?"  
  
"Very funny, Gilmore. Just remember that you don't have to talk to Jess if you don't want to. He'll get the point eventually."  
  
Rory made a noncommittal noise in her throat and reached for her history text. She flopped on the bed pretending to read, but she was really wondering if it was wise to take relationship advice from Paris of all people. It probably wasn't, but it wasn't like she had a lot of other people to go to who were familiar with the story. Her mother seemed to think it was best to deny that Jess was ever in Stars Hollow. Lane wasn't likely to be any help with her limited relationship experience. Not to mention the fact that Lane had never been all that crazy about Jess in the first place. Rory also didn't want to have to drag through the her history with Jess, from his arrival in her life to his many exits, with any of the new friends she'd made at school. No, it seemed like Paris was the best she was going to get. That realization scared her almost as much as having to talk to Jess.  
  
**********  
  
Authors Notes the Second: And, after all that talk of Jess in my first note, he's not even in this chapter. I'm not completely happy with how this chapter came out, but I'm just looking to expand Rory's inner turmoil here. The next chapter's coming together better, I think, and will probably contain the Luke/Jimmy conversation I mentioned before as well as some background on Luke and Rory's friendship. Thanks again for reading! 


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Notes: Well, here it is, Chapter Five. It's the longest chapter so far, but probably won't be the longest of the entire story. I'm not sure if that's good or bad news. Probably good for readers, but bad for my fingers (  
  
In other news, I have been updating around once a week or so, but I've recently started working at a temp agency, and while the paycheck is nice, I have a lot less free time on my hands. Don't worry, I'm still working dillegently on the story, but it may be a little longer for updates. If updates start taking a really long time, and you're concerned about my progress, the best thing to do would be to go to my profile and send me an e-mail. I'd be happy to respond (as long as the e-mail is polite) and let you know how it's going.  
  
Thanks again for reading, and don't forget to review and let me know what you think!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Five: I Won't Say Good-bye My Friend  
  
Luke finished the final wipe-down of the counter and turned to take the rag back to the kitchen. He caught sight of the phone out of the corner of his eye and paused. He'd talked to Rory last night but hadn't yet called Jess back. He wasn't afraid to talk to the boy like Rory seemed to be; he just didn't know what to say. Last night's conversation with Rory could have gone better, and Luke wasn't sure he was helping the situation. It was just so hard to talk to Rory about Jess. Hell, he'd only just gotten comfortable talking to Rory about anything that wasn't directly related to Lorelai, food, or basic home repair. Of course, they had a little more in common now. Jess had hurt both of them, and it had become a point of bonding for them. Rory could sit at the counter, Luke could stand behind it and pour her coffee, and they could each know that the other understood what they were feeling without having to say anything. It had worked well for them, not talking about it. Of course, they couldn't do that anymore. Luke was jolted out of his reverie by the clinking of the bell over the door and a boisterous command from the doorway of the diner.  
  
"Lucas! Java me!" Lorelai cried out, dropping onto a stool near the register. "I've just had the most awful day. I'll never understand contractors. It's like they exist in their own time zone."  
  
Luke, still frustrated and unsure of what he was doing getting involved in Jess and Rory's relationship again, was shorter than he meant to be with Lorelai. "Coffee pot's been cleaned. We're closed."  
  
"When have you ever been closed to me?" Lorelai asked. "Come on! It's me!"  
  
"I've always been closed to you at this hour," Luke sighed. "You just never listen."  
  
"Wow, aren't you Mr. Cranky-pants tonight. Did Bert run away or something?"  
  
"No, Jess did."  
  
Lorelai's eyes widened. "Oh, man. Did he get in contact with you too? Who the hell does that little punk think he is, anyway? He wrote Rory this note, and she . . ."  
  
"I know," Luke interrupted, turning to face Lorelai.  
  
"Wait, what?"  
  
"I know about the letter. Rory told me."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Luke wanted to bang his head against the wall. Life never used to be this complicated. "She wanted to know if I had a phone number for Jess."  
  
Lorelai drew a sharp breath. "And do you?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And did you give it to her?"  
  
"Yes." He cringed waiting for the explosion. He didn't have to wait long.  
  
"How could you, Luke?!" Lorelai screamed. "You know what that boy did to my daughter! And what about what he did to you, to everyone? How could you give him a way to try and weasel back into her life?"  
  
"Because she asked me to!" Luke gripped the edge of the counter tightly. "Do you know how much pain Rory's in, Lorelai? Jess left, and she decided, for whatever reason, to brush it off. The two of you went to Europe, and that took her mind off of it for a while, but you had to come home eventually. Starting Yale helped, but she's still in this town all the time, Lorelai. She still has to see all of the places that she and Jess used to hang out and remember all of the things, good and bad, that they did together."  
  
"Rory is fine," Lorelai insisted. "She's over Jess. She's moved on."  
  
Luke shook his head. "No, she hasn't. Do you know that Rory used to come over here at night before she started school again, when I was closing up, and just sit here. She sat here, drank coffee, and cried because she couldn't cry at home."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"It means that Rory knows how happy you are that Jess is gone. She knows that you think she should be happy that he took off, that it'll make her life better, that he'd only have held her back somehow."  
  
Lorelai's eyes lit with anger. "I do NOT think that!"  
  
"Maybe not out loud, but in the back of your mind you think exactly that."  
  
"She could still talk to me about him."  
  
"That's just it, Lorelai." Luke leaned forward so he was starting directly into Lorelai's eyes. "She didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted someone to understand that she needed to be upset without trying to make her feel better or telling her to get over it."  
  
"I didn't do that! Rory and I are best friends. I can be whatever kind of support she needs; all she has to do is ask."  
  
"You're still her mother, Lorelai, and, best friends or not, there are some things you just can't discuss with your parents."  
  
"Rory tells me everything!"  
  
"She's not eight anymore! She does not, and can not, tell you everything!"  
  
"How in the hell would you know?" Lorelai stood sharply, stool clattering to the ground behind her. "You're not a father. You can't even keep an eye on your nephew for a couple of years in a town the size of a postage stamp without screwing it up!"  
  
Luke got very still. "Get. Out."  
  
"No problem!" Lorelai snatched up her purse and stormed out of the diner, wrenching the door open with so much force that the bell above it fell to the floor.  
  
Luke watched her back disappear down the street before stepping around the counter to retrieve the fallen bell. He set it gently on the counter and picked up the stool from the ground, putting it up on the counter for the night. He did the same with the rest of the stools. The repetitive actions gave him enough time to calm down before he stepped around the counter again. Pulling a folded slip of paper from his pocket, he lifted the phone and began dialing.  
  
**********  
  
Jess was on the living room floor, on his back, staring at the ceiling. The lights were off, but he still thought it was too bright. He wanted the room to be as black as his mood. He hadn't heard from Luke again, and he'd fallen into one of the worst depression clichés he could think of: sitting alone in a dark empty house listening to country music.  
  
A sudden chorus of barking from the yard broke through his brooding mood. Rolling his head, Jess watched Jimmy's feet come into view. Heaving a sigh, he returned to his previous position.  
  
Jimmy looked down at the sound of the sigh. "Hey," he greeted, confusion coloring his voice.  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Sash and Lily aren't back yet?"  
  
"Nope. The PTA carnival must really be a 'rollicking good time,'" Jess said sarcastically, quoting the pink flyer Lily had brought home from school a several days earlier.  
  
Jimmy nodded, still confused. "So . . . why are you lying here listening to Willie Nelson?"  
  
Jess reached over and turned down the stereo until 'Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain' was barely recognizable. "Because Johnny Cash was making me want to break something."  
  
"'Boy Name Sue?'" Jimmy asked. His tone switched from confused to worried.  
  
"No, you're safe. Though, thanks for not naming me Jessica. It was 'Ring of Fire' and then 'I Walk the Line.'"  
  
"Ah." Jimmy finally understood what was going on. "You know, I've usually gotten good results with Patsy Cline when I'm depressed about a relationship."  
  
"Yeah, but if you knew the girl you'd realize that Willie is clearly the way to go here."  
  
"You want to talk about her?"  
  
"Nope," Jess sighed.  
  
"Okay." Jimmy left the room but appeared back in the doorway a moment later. "Jess, just because, historically, I'm not that good with relationship stuff doesn't mean that you can't talk to me about it. I want to help you if I can."  
  
"Thanks. I'm just not there yet." And if he were, Jess still thought that Sasha would be more likely to give him advice he could actually use.  
  
"I just wanted you to know."  
  
"And now I do." Jess knew that Jimmy wanted him to say more, but there just wasn't anything else left to say right now. He wanted to be alone. Reaching out, he turned the volume on the stereo back up and closed his eyes. Jess heard the sounds of Jimmy shuffling his feet for a minute, and then the phone rang drawing Jimmy away.  
  
Jimmy went to the kitchen to answer the phone. "'lo?" There was silence on the other end of the line. "Hello?"  
  
Finally, a response came after another moment of silence. "Jess around?"  
  
Jimmy felt like he should know the voice but couldn't place it. "Who is this?"  
  
More silence, then, "Luke."  
  
"Luke."  
  
"Yeah. Is Jess there or not, Jimmy?"  
  
"He's here."  
  
Luke growled in frustration. "Can you put him on?"  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Jimmy, grow the hell up and give the kid the phone."  
  
"Where do you get off calling him, Luke?" Jimmy asked. "You kicked him out. He's living here now. He's not your responsibility anymore."  
  
"Jimmy, don't get into this. Just let me talk to Jess."  
  
"He's my son, Luke."  
  
"You might be his father, Jimmy, but I'm the one he came to for help."  
  
Jimmy leaned back to peer through the opening between the kitchen and the living room at Jess still lying on the floor. "What do you mean 'help?'"  
  
Luke sighed and wondered if the universe was conspiring against him today, trying to piss him off. "I mean that Jess is trying to work some things out, and he's asked me to help him."  
  
Still looking into the living room, Jimmy watched Jess fiddle with the stereo again and start mouthing the words along with the song. "Is this about a girl?"  
  
"I'm not going to tell you Jess' business unless he asks me to," Luke told the other man.  
  
"Why would he go to you for help when I'm right here?" Jimmy wanted to know. "I mean, I know that, sure, I wasn't there for him when he was growing up, but I at least thought that in the last six months we'd gotten closer. Not father/son close, but friends. Sort of, anyway. I mean, we work together sometimes, and he's living here, and other than a few initial adjustments, we've been getting along all right."  
  
Luke wanted to scream. He couldn't understand how his life got turned upside down because Jess sent Rory a letter. "Jimmy, I don't know what's going on in Jess' head, but maybe, in all the time he's been there, he doesn't feel like you've shown him that you'd be capable of giving him any useful help with this." Of course, Luke still didn't know why Jess sought him for help either. It wasn't like he'd had any wildly successful relationships while Jess was living with him.  
  
"So it is about a girl?" Jimmy asked again.  
  
"Yes, it about a girl," Luke admitted.  
  
Jimmy took a short breath. "Yeah, okay. If I were Jess, maybe I wouldn't come to me with girl trouble either."  
  
"Especially not this girl," Luke muttered.  
  
"How do you know her? I didn't even know he was seeing someone, so how do you know what kind of girl she is?"  
  
"Because she's not out there. She's back here, and I've known her for most of her life." Luke sounded almost wistful to Jimmy. "She's a special girl. She could have really been something for Jess, and he's finally seeing that."  
  
"Did he do something to her? Is that why he suddenly showed up here?"  
  
"I don't think so," Luke said. "I think he left so he wouldn't do something to her. He didn't want to disappoint her."  
  
Jimmy arched a skeptical eyebrow in Jess' direction. "Huh."  
  
Luke grunted in agreement. "Yeah, I wouldn't expect you to understand not wanting to disappoint a girl."  
  
"Was that really needed?"  
  
"Jimmy, I am all out of nice right now, especially for guys who run out on my family. You're lucky I've talked to you for this long. Now put Jess on."  
  
"Fine. Hang on," Jimmy grumbled, and Luke was struck by how much Jimmy and Jess sounded alike. Apparently attitude was genetic.  
  
Going back into the living room, Jimmy stood over Jess' prone form. "Phone's for you," he said, extending the cordless down toward Jess.  
  
Jess looked at the phone with a mixture of hope and trepidation. He didn't know who it was. It could just be a telemarketer or something, but it could also be Rory. Taking the call, he was both relived and disappointed to realize it was Luke.  
  
"Hey," Jess said quietly.  
  
"She's not gonna call you back," Luke told him without preamble.  
  
Jess wasn't surprised. "Didn't think she would," he admitted. "What now?"  
  
"Like I know?"  
  
"Can't you talk to her again or something?" Jess asked. He hated the way he sounded. It was like a little kid begging for a cookie.  
  
"I don't think she'll talk to me about this anymore, Jess. She's pretty upset."  
  
"Great. 3,000 miles away, and I still manage to screw things up."  
  
Luke chuckled, "I always figured you'd turn out to be good at something if you applied yourself."  
  
"Very funny, Luke," Jess bit out and then chucked in spite of himself. He took a deep breath a blew it out between his teeth. "I'm not giving up." The determination in his voice brooked no argument. "I give up on everything, but not this time."  
  
Luke's only response was a grunt.  
  
"You think it's a bad idea," Jess said flatly.  
  
"I think you should do want you want to do, but I don't think I can help you anymore."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"If keep helping you, I think Lorelai might hurt me."  
  
"What?"  
  
Luke sighed heavily and again fought the urge to bang his head against something. "Lorelai was in here earlier, and I told her that I gave Rory a way to reach you. She's pissed."  
  
Jess smiled at the mournful tone in his uncle's voice. "If you two would just admit you want each other . . . "  
  
Luke cut him off with a stern, "Shut up. There's never going to be anything between Lorelai and me. I missed my chance." He pause for a moment, chest clenching with that admission. "Don't miss yours," he said quietly.  
  
"I'm trying not to." Jess pushed himself upright and stood. "I'll keep in touch, Luke."  
  
"Okay. Bye, kid."  
  
"Bye." Jess pressed the off button on the phone and wandered into the kitchen to put it back. He stopped up short when Jimmy met him in the doorway with two open beer bottles.  
  
"Here," Jimmy said, presenting Jess with one of the bottles. "You look like you need this."  
  
Jess looked back and forth between the bottle and Jimmy's face a few times before accepting the beer and drinking deeply. "Thanks."  
  
Jimmy nodded. "Just don't tell Sasha."  
  
"No kidding." Jess moved around Jimmy, hung up the phone, and then leaned against the counter, sipping slowly from the bottle. He hadn't actually had a beer in a long time. Thinking back, the last time he remembered even trying to drink one it had been on Rory and Lorelai's back porch. He felt an odd sense of amusement at the fact that the last time he'd even held a beer bottle he'd been contemplating how he could make Rory his, and now he was in almost the same position, wondering how he could get her back. It would have been enough to make him laugh out loud if it hadn't been so depressing.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: Okay, before someone complains that Jess wouldn't listen to country music, depressed or not, I urge you to go out and listen, or at least read the lyrics, to the songs mentioned. I think you'll find that they're amazingly appropriate. And while I had that section of the chapter written before it happened, the recent death of Johnny Cash is even more reason to discover, or re-discover, him as the case may be. He's musical icon no matter which genre you prefer. That said, I'll get off my musical soap box now, and I'll be back soon ::knocks on wood:: with Chapter Six! 


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Notes: Well, here it is! It took long than I wanted it to, but my job's been tedious lately, and when I get home the last thing I want to do is sit in front of the computer. On a positive note, Chapter Seven has been mostly written for months, so it'll be up quicker that this one was.  
  
My deepest thanks to all of you for reading, and extra thanks to those who take the time to review. The reviews really motivate me to keep going, and I appreciate all of them.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Six: I've Got a Feeling So Strong  
  
Rory pushed her hands though her hair again and looked at the clock. She'd been studying for hours and still wasn't anywhere near ready for her upcoming finals. Sure, they were two weeks away, but they were also going to be incredibly tough. Two more weeks on top of the ongoing studying she'd been doing all semester didn't seem like it would be anywhere near enough time to finish everything that was coming up due.  
  
However, looming deadlines or not, there was only so much of each subject she could take at one sitting. Rory thought she would break down if she tried to cram one more important historical date or name into her head, so she shunted her history notes aside and pulled out the research for her literature paper. As she was shuffling through her notes for her outline, the phone rang.  
  
She reached over with a groan and answered the offending hunk of plastic. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey, babe. You sound exhausted."  
  
"Good to know I sound like I feel," Rory sighed.  
  
"As long as you still look pretty."  
  
"I'm afraid I look like I sound," Rory said, looking over her shoulder at the dorm room's somewhat wavy mirror.  
  
"Shame on you! What have I been teaching you all your life?"  
  
"Mom, I'm really not in the mood for this."  
  
"Sorry," Lorelai giggled. "I was just calling to let you know that I got you out of Friday night dinners until the semester's over."  
  
Rory hadn't even remembered that she'd asked her mother to do that. She didn't even feel like she had the time to call her grandparents herself. "Oh. That's great. I just don't feel like I can take the break; I really need to study."  
  
"The grandparents were more than understanding," Lorelai assured her. "Of course, they're insisting that I show up anyway, so they can still get their weekly inquisition in."  
  
"You could just not go."  
  
Lorelai scoffed. "Yeah, sure. I skip it, and Grandma takes it out on us for months. Pass, thank you very much."  
  
"Aw, my mommy loves me soooo much!"  
  
"Exactly. The things I do for you."  
  
"It's not that bad, Mom. Just stop a Luke's first, get good and caffinated, and eat something deep-fried before you go to Grandma and Grandpa's."  
  
"Uh, there may be a problem with that," Lorelai said.  
  
"What did you do?" Rory asked.  
  
"What did YOU do?" Lorelai countered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I had a little chat with Luke the other day about you."  
  
Rory felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. "How mad are you?" she asked quietly.  
  
"On a scale from Gandhi to Joan Crawford in a closet full of wire hangers, I'm about a Madonna with photographers in her kids' faces." Lorelai took a deep breath, "But, I'm trying to keep it under control for now."  
  
"I appreciate that," Rory told her mother.  
  
"Rory, why didn't you just talk to me about this?" Lorelai wanted to know.  
  
Rory sighed and weighed her words carefully. Even as a small child, the one thing she'd dreaded was upsetting her mother. For so long they were all the other had, and it hurt when they were mad at each other. But Rory was at a loss to find the words that could explain everything to Lorelai without starting an argument and making everything worse.  
  
"Mom, promise me that you'll let me talk and not interrupt me every twenty seconds to argue."  
  
Lorelai huffed but agreed, "Fine."  
  
"Okay. Thank you." Rory paused again to collect her thoughts one last time. She decided to start with the facts. "You never liked Jess. You were kind of happy he was gone. When he left there was so much going on, my life was so crazy, and maybe a small part of me was happy, too. Happy that I didn't have to deal with the problems he and I were having on top of everything else. And then there was Europe. Weeks of traveling where we barely had time to sleep much less time for me to think about Jess leaving and what that really meant."  
  
Rory stopped to catch her breath and waited for Lorelai to jump in and protest something. When she didn't, Rory was surprised and also grateful that her train of thought wasn't going to be derailed.  
  
"The thing is, Mom, we had to come home eventually, and every other direction I turned there was something that reminded me of him or something he did. But I'd built up this mask around everyone that made it seem like it wasn't a big deal that Jess left without even saying good-bye. I wanted to talk about it, about how much I was hurting, but I couldn't. Everybody, especially you, thought that I was fine. I didn't want to let anybody down, so I just bottled it up and kept going like it was all normal. Then that letter came, and I couldn't do that anymore, but maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it's time for me to deal with what happened, but in order to do that, I have to do it my own way. You would have tried to talk me out of it or to wait if I'd come to you with it."  
  
Lorelai was stunned. She didn't have any idea that Rory had felt that way. "Rory, you don't have to pretend with me. If you're upset about anything you can tell me. If you had just said that you missed Jess and wanted to talk to him, I would have supported that."  
  
"Then why, when I opened that letter, did you tell me I wasn't ready to deal with him?" Rory wanted to know.  
  
"Sweetie, you were hysterical in a ball on the floor. You really weren't ready to deal with it."  
  
"I was in a ball on the floor because I HADN'T dealt with him! Maybe if I had, if I'd felt like I could grieve when it all ended, Jess getting in contact with me wouldn't have caused such chaos now!" Rory was yelling now, her voice echoing in the small room.  
  
"Don't raise your voice with me!" Lorelai snapped back. "Besides, I thought you got plenty of time to grieve and be comforted with Luke!"  
  
"Luke is in the same position I am! Everyone was telling him he was better off not having to worry about Jess, that Jess was going to screw up anyway. 'Better now than later, and hey! at least he didn't steal anything from the diner, right?' Luke was hurt too, and he couldn't let anyone see that anymore than I could." Rory's voice was still raised, but it was shakier because she was trying not to burst into tears. "We didn't talk about it," she told Lorelai, "we just understood."  
  
Lorelai was struck by how much Rory's words were echoing what Luke had said. There was now a tiny gnawing at the back of her brain suggesting that she'd been letting her daughter and her friend down. "Rory , I . . ."  
  
"I know, Mom. You didn't mean it, and neither did anyone else. It's still what happened, though." Rory sighed and wiped the only tear that had escaped off of her cheek. "This doesn't really have anything to do with you, anyway. This is about me and what I have to do to get over this and get on with my life."  
  
"I still don't think it's a good idea, Rory. You've got too much going for you to get messed up with him again," Lorelai said firmly.  
  
"Well, Mom, it doesn't really matter what you think about it," Rory told her. "This is something I have to do without you holding my hand."  
  
"I'm not going to like it."  
  
"You don't have to. It's time for us to grow up a little, Mom."  
  
Lorelai knew that Rory was right, that they were too dependent on each other, but she was still affronted that Rory had actually come out and said it. "Fine, do what you want," she tossed out petulantly.  
  
Rory heaved a dejected sigh. Now she could add an upset mother to the growing list of things making her head spin. "Good-night, Mom."  
  
"Good-night," Lorelai said and abruptly hung up the phone, leaving Rory to shiver with the chill that had accompanied the words.  
  
"Well, that went very well," Rory told herself sarcastically. "Couldn't have gone better." She looked down at the piles of work on her desk. "At least you still love me," she sighed and caressed the spines of her books.  
  
Twenty minutes of studying later, the phone rang again jolting Rory out of a literature induced haze. She groped on the floor around her chair where she'd dropped the phone earlier.  
  
"I know you're upset, Mom, but let's not start round two already, okay?" she asked quickly.  
  
"This isn't Lorelai."  
  
Rory almost dropped the phone back on the floor. Or maybe almost threw the phone on the floor would be a better description. "Jess?"  
  
"Hey."  
  
"Um, what . . . I mean how did you . . ."  
  
"I can talk to Luke, too."  
  
"Oh, sure. Sure you can." Rory felt like the earth was spinning backwards.  
  
"So, how are you?" Jess asked.  
  
"Busy," Rory snapped.  
  
Jess made an understanding noise in the back of his throat. "That your way of saying you don't want to talk?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Okay. I'll call you back," Jess said. "Talk to you soon." And then he hung up.  
  
Rory stared at the phone in confusion. She was starting to think she'd forgotten to wake up that morning and was trapped in some sort of bizarre dream. That was really the only explanation for her day.  
  
**********  
  
The next afternoon Rory returned back to her room to find a note in Paris' tidy scrawl taped to the door.  
  
'There's a message for you on the machine. Sit down before you listen to it -- P'  
  
Rory regarded the note skeptically as she kicked the door shut. Mentally, she ran down a list of all of the people who might call her that would necessitate sitting down. It wasn't an overly long list: her father, Sherry, her grandmother, and given recent events, her mother. Still, she didn't think she actually needed to sit to hear anything any of those people had to say. She stabbed at the blinking button and started sorting through the mail Paris had left on her desk.  
  
Her head snapped up and the mail fluttered, forgotten, to the floor. For the first time in her life, Rory wished she'd listened to Paris.  
  
*beep* "Hey. Luke wasn't sure when you were done with classes. I guess now isn't when. I'm calling back tonight. Nine o'clock. I still have to say some things you need to hear." *beep*  
  
Rory gaped at the answering machine as the creepy little mechanical voice declared that there were no more messages. She slapped frantically at the delete button until the voice announced that all messages had been deleted. Rory stood there numbly for a few moments and then turned, almost on automatic pilot, and crawled into her bed, pulling the blanket up over her head. If she hid, then she wouldn't have to face it. Him. Jess. Because there was no Jess under the blanket. The world outside the cocoon of soft blue and white cotton ceased to exist as long as she stayed hidden.  
  
She'd almost convinced herself of that an hour and a half later when Paris returned to find Rory still hiding in her bed.  
  
"You didn't sit, did you?" Paris asked.  
  
"No," Rory muttered from under her protective shell.  
  
"I warned you."  
  
"You could have done a better job. You could have said something more like, 'Rory, it's imperative you sit because your world's about be flipped upside down again,' or 'Rory, the answering machine is set to self- destruct. Don't play it!'"  
  
Paris chortled in amusement. "Okay, Mr. Phelps. I'll keep that in mind for next time. So, what are you going to do?"  
  
"I'm doing it," Rory insisted.  
  
"You're going to hide under your blanket?"  
  
"Yes. And perhaps cover my ears and hum."  
  
"Because if you don't hear the phone ring, then it never happened?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Reaching out, Paris lifted the blanket off of Rory's head. "It's just a phone message."  
  
Rory sat up, "No, it's not. It's Jess calling back after he said he'd call back. The day after he said he call back. Not two days, not a week, the NEXT day! It's against practically everything I know about him. If this little difference is throwing me off this much, what's a major change going to do? What if he makes some huge revelation over the phone? It might actually kill me!"  
  
"Now you're just being dramatic."  
  
"You know my mother. Does that really surprise you?"  
  
"You don't have to talk to him," Paris reminded her frazzled roommate. "You're still the one in control."  
  
"Is that what this feeling is?" Rory asked. "Funny, it feels more like panic."  
  
"Just tell him you don't want to talk to him, and that's that," Paris said matter-of-factly.  
  
Rory only wailed and hid her head in her hands. Just because she had to talk to Jess to get some sort of closure, that didn't mean she wanted to rush head-long into it. There was enough stress in her life without willingly piling on more. Taking her deep breath, she made a decision. She stood quickly and started haphazardly shoving her books into her bookbag.  
  
"Okay, Paris. Here's what we're going to do. I am going to the library. When Jess calls, if you answer the phone, you tell him I'm studying . . . and ONLY tell him that I'm studying." Rory narrowed her gaze at her roommate. "You will NOT say anything else. Not what you think of him, what you think I think of him, nothing!"  
  
Paris reluctantly agreed. "I still don't see why you just don't tell him off and be done with it."  
  
"Because," Rory huffed, "I'm not done with it. I DO have to talk to him; I have to close this part of my life so I can get on with the rest of it." She yanked on her coat. "But that doesn't mean I have to look forward to it."  
  
"Coward," Paris muttered under her breath.  
  
"Yeah, well, the Wizard forgot to mail me my courage. I'll be back later, Tin Man." Rory slipped out the door, and the sound of Paris calling down the hall after her, asking what she was talking about, traveled after her.  
  
**********  
  
Rory managed to dodge Jess' daily calls for three days by hiding in the library. That all ended on the fourth afternoon when she stopped back in her room after classes to pick up a few books and drop off the ones that she wasn't planning on using that night before she went to the library. The phone was ringing when she pushed through the door, and she answered it without thinking twice.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"You done avoiding me yet?"  
  
Rory mentally cursed herself. She should have known. "Jess," she said tersely.  
  
"Rory," he mimicked.  
  
"What do you want?" she asked. Maybe if she pretended she didn't know what he was talking about, her dodging him wouldn't seem so blatant.  
  
"I want to talk to you," Jess said simply.  
  
His voice sounded rough and raspy to Rory, like he hadn't been sleeping or had started smoking again. The latter cause was more likely, and not appealing to Rory, but the results still made her knees feel soft. She'd always loved the timbre of Jess' voice. She shook her head to dislodge the thought; she couldn't let something that simple get to her. Taking a deep breath, she unloaded her mind with machine-gun rapidity.  
  
"Look, Jess. I can't do this now. It's the end of the semester. I've got finals, and then I've got to face the holidays with my grandparents and my dad and Sherry. Luke and my mom are at each other's throats, things between my mom and me are tense, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep in almost a week. This just isn't a good time for me to have to deal with you on top of it all."  
  
"Then when is? I'm not going away this time, Rory." He sounded like he truly meant every word of that statement.  
  
She sigh wearily. "After the new year. Everything will calm down after the first. I promise I'll call you after that. Just, please, leave me alone until then?"  
  
"Okay, but I'm going to hold you to that promise." He sounded almost menacing. She wasn't completely sure he didn't mean to sound that way.  
  
"I promise. Good-bye, Jess." She hung up before he could reply. At least she'd have this last word this time.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: The next chapter should be up in about a week, and it will contain . . . The Phone Call! Stay Tuned! 


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Notes: Here's Chapter Seven! It's pretty dialogue heavy (phone calls usually are) but I really tried to keep it clear who was speaking when. I'm pretty proud of this chapter, but I'm also concerned that Rory's drifting off character a lot. She's the hardest for me to write, so please tell me if she's getting too far from who she really is. Other than that, Jess gets a bit colorful in language and subject matter, so I apologize if anyone gets offended, but it had to be said to get where I need to go.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Seven: Maybe Someday Our Paths Will Cross  
  
January 2004  
  
Jess sat in the office chair, idly rotating from side to side. The chair was developing a slight squeak. He'd have to remember to fix it later. He had something else to do right now. The cordless phone lay in his lap, and he rubbed his thumb along the edge of it, occasionally skimming the numbers he needed to dial without turning the phone on and depressing those numbers. He'd just about mustered up the courage to actually dial the phone when Sasha appeared in the doorway and distracted him.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked curiously.  
  
"There'll be some calls to Connecticut on the next phone bill. Tell me what they come to, and I'll pay 'em," Jess replied instead of answering her question.  
  
"There have already been a few," Sasha told him. "Jimmy took care of them."  
  
Jess looked up at her in surprise. "Why'd he do that?"  
  
She shrugged. "You'd have to ask him. You been calling your uncle?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Sasha nodded, "That's good. Who else you calling?"  
  
Jess raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"  
  
"There were two different numbers on the bill. I remember Luke from when he visited. He didn't strike me as the kind of guy who had two phones."  
  
"He's not," Jess agreed. "I've been calling someone else. A friend. Or former friend, maybe. I'm not sure what we are."  
  
"You said she was your girlfriend," Lily piped up, looking around her mother's side.  
  
"Lily," Jess growled in frustration.  
  
"Girlfriend?" Sasha asked quizzically.  
  
Jess shrugged a shoulder. "She was. I bailed. She kinda hates me. I'm trying to apologize."  
  
"Ah. Well, we'll leave you to it then. Come on, Lil. Let's go defrost those Christmas cookies I hid in the back of the freezer." Sasha herded Lily away and shut the office door behind them, winking at Jess before it shut completely.  
  
Jess sighed and shook his head. He liked Sasha, he really did, but sometimes he missed his mother's detachment. Looking back down at the phone, he picked it up and hefted its slight weight in his hand for a moment. He decided he was being childish and stopped procrastinating. He dialed the familiar numbers and waited. It wasn't until the third ring that he realized that he didn't know what he'd do if Lorelai answered the phone. It turned out not to matter.  
  
"Hello?" Rory sounded chipper and bright. Jess hoped he wasn't about to ruin that mood, but his gut instinct told him otherwise.  
  
"Hey," he said gently. "It's me."  
  
"Jess? What are you doing?" Rory hissed. "I said I'd call you."  
  
"I know. I gave you ten days, and then I figured that was enough of a chance for you to get in touch with me."  
  
"I was going to call," Rory insisted indignantly.  
  
"You were not. Don't lie to me, Rory," Jess told her, keeping his tone as even as he could.  
  
"That doesn't carry a lot of weight coming from you, Jess," she snapped.  
  
"I never said it did." He paused for a moment and continued, "So, how are you?"  
  
"You want to know how I am?" Rory asked. "I'm confused as all hell, Jess, that's how I am. I have no idea what you expect of me."  
  
"I don't really expect anything of you," Jess told her. "I'd just like you to listen to me."  
  
"To listen to you?" Rory asked incredulously. "And then what am I supposed to do, Jess? You run away, call me a couple of times but say nothing, then write me out of nowhere, tell me you loved me, and I'm just supposed to listen to you apologize some more and then forgive everything you did to me?"  
  
Jess sighed in frustration. "Rory, it's complicated."  
  
"Then start at the beginning, Jess."  
  
"Which beginning?" he asked. "The one where I tried to get you to crawl out your bedroom window with me two seconds after meeting you, the one where I bought some ridiculous picnic basket just to piss off your boyfriend and ended up having one of the best afternoons of my life, or the one where you kissed me and ran off? Though there were two of those, weren't there. We've got a lot of beginnings, Rory. You'll have to be more specific."  
  
Jess knew that Rory couldn't disagree with him. They did have a lot of beginnings together, but she didn't have any trouble narrowing it down to the one she wanted explained.  
  
"The beginning of the end, then," she said quickly. "Kyle's party. You tried to put your hand down my pants, and when I told you that I wasn't going to have sex with you there, you got angry with me and told me to get out!"  
  
"Damn it, Rory! That wasn't even about you!" Jess couldn't believe that she thought he'd been upset over that.  
  
"What was it about then?"  
  
"I'd just found out that I flunked out of high school!" he snapped. "Everything I thought I'd had planned fell to shit that week, Rory. I was frustrated and angry. And I didn't want you to know."  
  
"Why not?" she demanded.  
  
"I didn't want you to know I was a failure, that I couldn't even handle something as stupid as high school. So I defaulted." Jess sighed again and pushed a hand through his hair. "When I don't know how to deal with things I run or go for the distraction, move things to something I know I can do."  
  
"So you wanted to have sex with me so you wouldn't have to tell me you flunked out?" Rory sounded incredibly offended, and, if that's what she believed, she had every right to be offended.  
  
"No!" Jess cried and then cringed at the volume of his voice, lowering it before continuing. "No, I wanted to make love to you because that was the one thing I knew I could do to show you that I cared about you. I knew I could make that good for you and not leave you disappointed or have you pity me when it was over."  
  
"I'm confused," Rory told him, and he could almost see her furrowing her brow and biting her lower lip.  
  
"Aren't we all?" Jess snorted. "Listen, Rory, and try to understand. I was losing everything I'd made connections with. I lost my car and the Wal- Mart job because of it, when Luke found out I'd flunked he was going to kick me out, and you were going off to Yale. Everything I cared about was gone or going to be; I just wanted to make a connection. To have something to hold on to, even if it was just for a little while. Something I could control and know that it wouldn't backfire."  
  
"So wanting to have sex was about wanting to control me?" Her confusion was becoming infused with anger again.  
  
"No. You're twisting my meaning, Rory. It was about wanting to control me," Jess said simply.  
  
Rory blew out a shaky breath. "I'm still confused."  
  
"Oh, jeez," he groaned. "You're gonna make me say it, aren't you? Fine. Here it is, but don't say I didn't warn you." Jess stood and started pacing the room, trying to think of some way to soften what he was going to say.  
  
When he couldn't come up with anything gentler than the truth, he dove in. "I'm good at sex, Rory. I can't keep a job, I'm terrible with authority, and I'm a lousy boyfriend, but I've been told more than once that when it comes to sex I know what I'm doing. I just wanted to prove to you, and myself, that I don't screw up everything."  
  
Jess paused, took a harsh breath, and broke into bitter laughter. "God, you know Luke once asked me if I was a gigolo? I was pissed at the time, but maybe that's all I'm good for."  
  
"Jess," Rory said softly, "Jess, you . . ."  
  
He cut her off abruptly, "Don't. Don't pity me. I left so I wouldn't have to see the pity in your eyes when you looked at me, and I don't want to hear it over the phone."  
  
"I wasn't going to. I was going to say that you weren't a lousy boyfriend. Not completely."  
  
"Yeah? How do you figure that?"  
  
Rory sighed, and Jess could almost hear her wistful smile. "Sleigh ride, big box of food, ice cream in cones, Washington Square Park, gas pump, Frank at the Sands, Gilmore Friday night dinner, Distillers tickets, 22.8 miles."  
  
"Oh." It wasn't even half of the response he wanted to give, but it was all Jess could choke out around the lump in his throat.  
  
"Yeah, oh," Rory echoed.  
  
Jess didn't know what to say now. He stopped pacing and leaned against the door until his knees didn't want to hold him up anymore, and then he slid down the door to sit on the floor. An eternity seemed to pass, him sitting on the floor listening to Rory's quiet breathing over the phone, until Jess found his voice again.  
  
"I can't believe you included dinner with your grandmother. I blew up at you and took off."  
  
Rory sighed and gave a soft hum of agreement. "But you agreed to come in the first place."  
  
"I lied about the black eye," Jess admitted.  
  
"I know. Luke told me you got beaked by a swan."  
  
Jess groaned and banged his head against the door. "Of course he did, and I bet he had a good laugh doing it."  
  
"Pretty much." Stifled laughter was more than evident in Rory's voice.  
  
"Okay," Jess sighed, "so I did a handful of nice things. Most of them were wrapped in crappy things I did."  
  
"I'm not denying that," Rory said, laughter fading from her voice. "But that doesn't make you a terrible boyfriend."  
  
"Yes, Rory, it does," Jess snapped.  
  
"No, Jess, it doesn't. Almost every 'crappy' thing you did was done in trying to protect me or surprise me."  
  
"I should have just been honest with you."  
  
"Yes, you should have. But you know that now, so call it a learning experience."  
  
Jess was incredibly surprised that Rory wasn't screaming at him or crying hysterically. Instead she was having a relatively even conversation with him. "You're being very calm about this. The last time we talked, hell, when we started talking twenty minutes ago, you flipped out."  
  
Rory cleared her throat softly and stammered a moment before saying, "I know, but I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. You, and Luke, were right that we needed to talk like this. Dodging you wasn't exactly the right way for me to handle this."  
  
Jess blew out a heavy breath. "I don't know. It's worked for me before."  
  
"And look where it got us."  
  
There was no room for Jess to argue with that. "I'm sorry I made you cry," he said, his voice rough with emotion. He hoped Rory knew that he meant that he was sorry for every time he made her cry, not just the phone calls.  
  
Rory swallowed audibly and when she spoke her voice broke. "I'm sorry I made you feel like you couldn't talk to me."  
  
Silence reigned again. Jess sat fiddling with the hem of his shirt, chest aching as he listened to Rory trying to hide the fact that he'd made her cry again.  
  
"Rory, I'm sorry. Please don't," Jess whispered.  
  
"No, it's okay," she said quickly. "It's not . . . I'm . . . can you hang on for a minute?"  
  
"Yeah, go," he told her. "I'll be here."  
  
Jess could hear Rory moving around; she must have been carrying the cordless phone with her. There was a clunk as she set the phone down, and Jess thought he heard her blowing her nose. More movement followed and then she was back on the line.  
  
"I'm sorry," Rory apologized. "I'm okay."  
  
"You sure?" Jess felt like he'd pushed her to talk to him today, and he didn't want to make Rory feel like she had to keep talking to him if she'd been pushed to her limit.  
  
"I'm fine, really," Rory assured him.  
  
Jess didn't completely believe Rory, but he also didn't want to argue with her anymore. "So where are we at now?" he asked.  
  
"I'm not sure. Have you really learned a lesson in being honest with me?" Rory wanted to know.  
  
Jess smiled wryly even though she couldn't see him. "I've learned a lesson about being honest in general."  
  
"Can I ask you some things then? And get truthful answers?"  
  
"Let's find out."  
  
Rory started simply. "Are you mad at me for not calling you back?"  
  
"No" Jess told her. "I probably wouldn't've called me back either."  
  
She moved on to a more difficult question. "Are you happy in California with your father?"  
  
Jess thought for a bit before answering. "I wouldn't say happy," he admitted. "I'm less angry but still plenty confused and frustrated. Happy hasn't entered the picture yet, but maybe eventually I'll get there."  
  
"Do you miss Stars Hollow at all?" Rory asked next.  
  
This answer he didn't have to think about. "Parts of it. The bridge, the diner. Luke. You."  
  
"Did you really love me?" She was hesitant in asking this question, almost like she was afraid of the answer.  
  
Jess shared in her hesitation before answering, "Yes."  
  
Rory drew a sharp breath and then asked the question Jess hoped she wouldn't have the nerve to get out. "Do you still love me?"  
  
He went completely still; it felt like even his heart stopped beating. Dimly, he heard Rory's voice in his ear again..  
  
"Jess?" she asked cautiously.  
  
"Yeah," he gasped. "Yeah, I do."  
  
It was Rory's turn to become silent. "Me, too," she finally managed to say.  
  
"Which brings us back to the original question," Jess said grimly. "Where are we now?"  
  
"Well," Rory deadpanned, "you're in Venice, and I'm in New Haven."  
  
"I thought I was the literalist," Jess replied just as flatly. He listened to Rory fight the giggle that rose in her throat and then laughed along with her when she finally let it go.  
  
Rory sobered first. "Seriously, Jess, we're an entire continent apart, and now matter how I feel about you, I'm still hurt."  
  
"I know." Jess stopped himself from apologizing again. Rory might start to think he didn't really mean it if he said it too many times. "So . . . friends, then?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound too eager to be even a small part of her life again.  
  
Rory considered his suggestion in what Jess felt was the longest silence of the night. "I think that might work," she finally decided. "We could call each other, trade off weeks."  
  
Jess was secretly thrilled that she'd suggested that, especially in light of her recent phone-phobia, but he felt like he needed to offer Rory an option that gave her a bit more distance from him. "We're both good with a pen; we can write each other, too."  
  
"Yeah," Rory agreed. "People underestimate the power of a good letter these days."  
  
"That they do. Plus, it's cheaper."  
  
"You could call me collect, Jess," Rory told him. "It's not a big deal."  
  
"I meant for you, Rory. I've got two jobs out here, and you don't have any money coming in that I know of, do you?" Jess realized that there was probably a lot he didn't know about her now. For all he knew she was working more than he was.  
  
"Well, no, I don't have a job, but my grandparents are paying my expenses while I'm in school," Rory said like it was the most normal thing in the world to have grandparents that paid for everything.  
  
Jess was surprised that Rory didn't see the hole in her own logic. "Even if it's long distance calls to me?" he asked.  
  
"Oh . . . well, probably not," Rory said sheepishly.  
  
"Didn't think so," Jess chuckled.  
  
"Where are you working?" Rory asked suddenly. Then she paused and seemed to reconsider. "Is it okay to ask that?" she wondered.  
  
"Why wouldn't it be?" Jess asked back. "I'm working mostly at this little used book store, but sometimes I help out at Jimmy's place down on the beach."  
  
"What does Jimmy do?" Rory sounded surprised that he was working with his father.  
  
Jess almost didn't want to tell her after all of the crap he used to say about working in the diner. "Hot dogs," he mumbled.  
  
"What?"  
  
"He owns a hot dog stand near the beach," Jess sighed.  
  
Rory started giggling almost immediately. "Do you have to wear a little paper hat?" she wanted to know.  
  
"No," Jess growled.  
  
She kept laughing. "Are you sure you don't wear one?"  
  
"Yes, I'm sure I don't wear a little paper hat. Stop picturing me in one," he demanded.  
  
Rory tried to calm herself down. "I'm not," she said innocently.  
  
"Don't lie to me, Gilmore. I can hear you grinning." Jess wasn't about to tell her it was a sound he really missed.  
  
"But it's such a cute picture," Rory whined and started laughing again.  
  
Jess started laughing along with her but still told her, "Stop it."  
  
Rory's laughter sputtered to a stop. "Killjoy."  
  
"That's me," Jess admitted proudly. "Look, Rory, I should probably go. Even if I am paying for the call, Sasha's gonna overreact when she gets this phone bill."  
  
"Is she tough on you? I don't really know anything about her other than that she's your father's girlfriend." She seemed genuinely interested in learning about the people in his life now, and Jess felt a warmth spread down his spine at the definite proof that Rory still cared about what happened to him.  
  
"She's a tough as she needs to be I guess," Jess told Rory. "I mean, she let me stay for a month, no questions asked. Though after that, she started making me pay rent. Which I guess I understand. She's a good mom, and she keeps an eye on Jimmy. You know, your mom would probably really like her."  
  
"Really?" Rory sounded surprised that Jess was getting along with someone like Lorelai.  
  
Jess was surprised at that fact, too. "Yeah. Anyway, I've got to go."  
  
"Okay. Next time I'll call you," Rory promised. "Is next Thursday okay? Around nine?"  
  
"Nine your time, or nine my time?"  
  
"Oh, um, mine. Is that all right?" Rory seemed very eager to make sure that he was okay with everything, and Jess thought it was a strange reversal from their attitudes when they had started talking.  
  
"Yeah," he said quickly. "It'll be around six here, and Thursdays I watch Lily for Sasha. She teaches some kind of yoga-meditation-spiritual philosophy thing in the neighborhood then."  
  
Rory couldn't cover the surprised noise that bubbled from her throat when Jess revealed that he willing spent time with Lily. "You'll have to tell me more about Sasha sometime. She sounds interesting."  
  
"She is. So, I'll talk to you next week." Jess made it a statement and not a question, trying to keep Rory from suddenly changing her mind in another of the mood swings she seemed to have concerning him.  
  
"Next week," Rory affirmed. "Um, well.good night, Jess."  
  
He grinned over the fact that she didn't say 'good bye.' "Good night, Rory."  
  
Jess waited until he heard her hang up before doing the same. Standing, he brushed himself off and reached behind himself to open the door. When he turned around to leave, Jess almost walked straight into Jimmy.  
  
"Jeez," Jess grumbled. "You need a bell or something."  
  
Jimmy shrugged, "Sorry. I need the phone."  
  
Jess held it out, but pulled it away at the last second. "Do something for me first," he told Jimmy.  
  
"What?" Jimmy asked as he tried to grab for the phone, frustration etched on his face. "I don't have time for this Jess, I need the phone."  
  
"Then don't pay my bills for me anymore," Jess bit out.  
  
Jimmy regarded the younger man with wide eyes, momentarily taken aback at Jess' anger. "I just wanted to do something for you. I missed out on all of your birthdays and Christmases. I thought it would be a nice gesture."  
  
Jess rolled his eyes. "Then buy me a pony or something. Stay out of this. I know you want to know about her," Jess said, careful to avoid revealing Rory's name, "but if you think paying for a few calls to her is going to make that happen, you're very wrong." Jess thrust the phone into Jimmy's chest and stalked out of the room.  
  
Sasha's head appeared from the kitchen. "Well," she drawled at Jimmy, "apparently along with your love for The Clash, he's also got your temper."  
  
Jimmy scowled at her and then frowned down at the phone. For a brief moment he wondered if it would be out of line for him to call Luke for help, too.  
  
**********  
  
At the same time Jess was verbally grappling with his father, Rory entered the second round of her argument with her mother.  
  
Rory came out of her bedroom to return the phone to its charger for once and found her mother sitting rigidly at the kitchen table. There was a scowl on Lorelai's face that Rory thought made her look an awful lot like Emily.  
  
"You were talking to Jess," Lorelai said stonily.  
  
"Yes, I was," Rory agreed. She didn't see any reason to hide it.  
  
Lorelai stood and followed Rory into the living room. "You want to know how I knew that?" she asked.  
  
"Latent psychic powers?" Rory asked under her breath.  
  
"I knew because you skittered off into your room almost immediately after you answered the phone and then twenty minutes later you started crying. What did he do now?" Lorelai wanted to know.  
  
Rory sighed and turned to face her mother. "He didn't do anything, Mom. We both said what we needed to say, got a lot of questions answered, and we've reached an understanding," Rory said diplomatically.  
  
Lorelai went white. "You're taking him back," she hissed.  
  
"I am not!" Rory cried. "We're just going to talk more. I'm sorry you don't like that, Mom, but I'm largely out on my own now, and I'm going to do things you don't like. You have to get over it." Rory grabbed her coat, pulled it on, and left her mother sputtering in the entryway.  
  
She walked the familiar route to the diner and smiled when it proved to be mostly empty. A couple she didn't recognize sat in a far corner; Rory assumed they were tourists just passing through town. The dinging of the newly replaced bell over the door brought Luke out of the kitchen. He smiled at her, but then narrowed his eyes and looked past her out the windows searching for something.  
  
"Mom's not coming," Rory told Luke as she took a seat at the counter. "You don't have to worry about pretending you're not mad at each other."  
  
Luke shoulders visibly relaxed, and he poured Rory a cup of coffee. "Been a while since you've come in by yourself," he said.  
  
"Yeah, but I couldn't stay at home right now," Rory replied.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I just talked to Jess, and Mom's pretty upset."  
  
"So, you finally talked to him?" Luke asked. "That's good. How is he?" It had been a while since he'd talked to Jess himself.  
  
"He sounded okay," Rory said. "We both got a lot of things settled," she revealed.  
  
Luke nodded slowly. "Good."  
  
"I'm gonna call him next week. We're going to see if we can be friends again." Rory watched Luke carefully, gauging his reaction to her news.  
  
On his part, Luke kept his surprise and happiness well hidden. "You two were pretty good friends," was all he said, but he was watching Rory just as carefully as she was watching him. She was smiling, but her eyes betrayed her nervousness at letting Jess close again. She was still fragile after Jess' first betrayal, and another one might make her collapse. Luke and Rory were both very aware of that possibility hanging in the air, but, as was their custom, neither one of them mentioned it.  
  
"You want pancakes?" Luke eventually asked, knowing they were one of Rory's preferred comfort foods.  
  
Rory's small smile broke into a relived grin. "Yes, please."  
  
"Okay. I'll be back in a couple of minutes," Luke told her. He put the coffee pot away, but before he went into the kitchen he reached out and squeezed Rory's hand, letting her know that, just like after Jess first left, he'd be there if she needed him.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: I hope that was up to everyone's expectations. In the next chapter, I'll be jumping ahead a few months, because if I don't I'll be writing this forever. But other than knowing I'll be skipping forward a bit, I'm not sure on what's going to happen in the next chapter, so suggestions are welcome. Thanks again to everyone for reading! 


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Notes: Another chapter, another phone call. I'm sorry it took so long, but my laptop literally broke; it refused to open and then the casing cracked. It's all better now, but much panic ensued for several days until the problem was solved.  
  
Anyway, this chapter's pretty much filler, just moving the timeline ahead, but there are some things resolved and revelations made to keep it interesting. I'm guessing at Lily's age; I couldn't find it mentioned exactly anywhere. I stink at estimating peoples' ages, but I think I've done all right here. If I'm way off, well, it's a bit late to change it now.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Eight: I Heard You Singing to No One  
  
March 2004  
  
Rory stumbled through the front door, tripping over the threshold in her haste. She'd spent a large part of her day with Lane, catching up and watching the band pretend to practice, even though all they really did was snipe at each other. As much fun as it was to watch Brian and Zack nearly come to blows over chord progressions, it had left Rory running late for her call to Jess. She wondered if she should be concerned that after just three months her calls to Jess were so important to her that she panicked if she was even thirty seconds late to make or receive the call.  
  
Shaking off the thought for another time, she flipped up the couch cushions and pillows until she unearthed the phone. Rory then went to her room and shut the door tightly behind her in case her mother came home while she was on the phone. Lorelai still wasn't happy about Rory and Jess being back in contact. Rory flopped into her armchair and dialed the now very familiar number.  
  
The phone was eventually answered with a giggled, "Hello?"  
  
"Hi, Lily," Rory said brightly. After a few weeks of the young girl pestering him, Jess had started letting Lily answer the phone and talk to Rory for a few minutes. In the time that he'd been living there, Lily'd become very fond of Jess and was more than eager to have one of his friends to talk to in the hopes that she could learn more about him. It also gave Rory a chance to hear things that Jess would be unlikely to reveal himself, like the fact that he cooked for Lily every week and then spent an hour reading with her. The image of the two of them sitting side by side over the same book was one that Rory had some trouble matching to the Jess she remembered, but, in talking with him, she could tell that he was different in more ways that just paying attention to Lily, so maybe it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility.  
  
"Hi, Rory," Lily returned, still laughing merrily.  
  
"What's so funny?" Rory asked.  
  
Lily continued to giggle. "Jess."  
  
Rory smiled, "What's he doing?"  
  
"He's outside with the dogs. He won't let me outside to see what he's doing, but I can hear him. He's funny." Lily paused and Rory heard the door creak open. "I'll tell him you're on the phone, and maybe then he'll let me out."  
  
Once the door opened Rory could hear the barking and growling of dogs even over the phone. Jess' raised voiced was also clearly audible.  
  
"Lily, I told you to stay in the house," he shouted. Then he gave a startled cry. "Legolas, cut that out! Jerry Lee, get off! That's it, I give up!" There were a few more moments of growling and then the door creaked again.  
  
Rory was greeted with Jess' characteristic, "Hey."  
  
"Hi. What was that about?" she wanted to know.  
  
Jess laughed wryly. "The call of the wild," he responded cryptically.  
  
Rory wondered what Jack London had to do with anything. "Okay?"  
  
"One of the neighbors has a schnauzer in heat. It isn't something I want to explain to Lily."  
  
"I see," Rory drawled, trying not to laugh herself.  
  
"Sure, laugh it up," Jess snapped. "You weren't the one nearly violated by a Doberman."  
  
Rory gave up all pretense and burst into a hysterical fit of laughter. She could hear Jess in her ear, protesting that it wasn't funny and she wouldn't laugh if had happened to her, but she didn't sober until her bedroom door swung open. Lorelai stood there, looking as though she was about to ask Rory a question, but when she saw her daughter on the phone her jaw set and she backed out of the room. Rory quieted immediately.  
  
"Wow," Jess said, "you actually listened to me for once. How'd that happen?"  
  
"What? Oh, no. It was my mother," Rory told him.  
  
Jess sighed sympathetically. "You two still not talking?"  
  
"We were never not talking. There are just certain subjects that we're avoiding."  
  
"Like me." The dejection was evident in his voice.  
  
"Jess, it's not your fault," Rory said quickly. "And it's not that bad. I don't talk about you, she doesn't talk about me talking to you, and we co- exist peacefully."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Don't do that," Rory told him sternly. "Don't shut down because you feel like this is your fault. I told you that it's not your problem, and it's not."  
  
"You can say that, but I know that you and Lorelai are close. I don't like that I'm coming between you again," Jess admitted.  
  
"Mom and I will work it out." Rory hoped that wasn't a lie. "Look, let's not talk about this anymore. What's for dinner tonight?" she asked.  
  
Jess cleared his throat and went along with the subject change. "A request has been made for macaroni and cheese, though it would go faster if Lily stopped trying to duck under my arm to see what's going on and looked for the cheese grater instead." Lily's footsteps scampering across the floor echoed in the phone.  
  
"How come you never cooked for me like that?" Rory pouted.  
  
"I cooked for you all the time," Jess reminded her.  
  
Rory huffed and continued to pout. "Sure, in the diner when I had to pay for it."  
  
"When did you ever pay for a meal I made you in the diner?" Jess wanted to know. "Because I clearly remember Luke busting me for not charging you at least once a week."  
  
"It's not the same," Rory insisted.  
  
"Fine," Jess sighed, "some day I will cook for you, outside of the diner, and you won't owe me anything for it."  
  
Rory paused and considered what Jess just said. "So . . . does that mean that, maybe, you're planning on coming back here someday?" she asked softly.  
  
Jess swallowed audibly. "Ah . . . I don't know, Rory. It's just that . . . Lily, don't touch that yet; it's still hot. Rory, hang on." He set the phone down, and Rory could hear him giving vague instructions to Lily. It was a few minutes before he came back.  
  
"Rory?" he asked when he picked up the phone again. "You still there?"  
  
"Yeah, still here." Rory waited for him to pick up where he left off with her, but he didn't. She had to bring it up herself. "What were you going to say?"  
  
"When?" Jess version 1.0 reared his head, dodging questions with questions.  
  
Rory huffed, "Jess, you know when."  
  
"I told you, I don't know," he growled. "I don't know if I can ever go back there. And even if I did, it wouldn't be for long. I couldn't live there again. Stars Hollow and I just don't fit, Rory."  
  
"Oh." Rory hoped the hurt in her voice was hidden well enough for Jess not to notice. "Does California fit?"  
  
"I'm not sure. It's sort of like a shoe that's just a little too big. It's okay at first, but eventually it starts to rub and gives you blisters." Jess broke away to give Lily another instruction. "I think it'll be a little better once I get out of this house and can really do my own things without someone looking in on me every twenty minutes," he told Rory. "Sort of like a Band-Aid on the raw spot."  
  
"You're moving?" Rory wondered how long he'd been planning it and why he hadn't mentioned it before. She wasn't sure what she'd do if he disappeared again.  
  
"Yeah," Jess answered, "but not far. It's walking distance from here. Of course, most places I go around here are walking distance."  
  
Rory breathed a mental sigh of relief. "Really? I didn't know you were thinking about moving out on your own."  
  
"I didn't really either. This guy that works for Jimmy, Lee, is moving into some house with a couple of friends of his. He's been living over his step-dad's body shop, and he's got to find somebody to take the place over. He asked me the other day if I wanted it, said his step-dad'd give me a good deal on it, so I took it."  
  
"Well, that was fortuitous." Rory winced at how stupid that sounded.  
  
Jess snorted, "It's not much. Basically one room and a bathroom. There's a stove and refrigerator in the corner. It's closer to the beach, but it's also loud as hell during the day." Jess stopped for a second and then asked, "Why is it making you uncomfortable?"  
  
Rory jerked in her chair and almost dropped the phone. "What do you mean?"  
  
"'Fortuitous?' Either you've gotten a new word-a-day calendar, Yale is making you really pretentious, or my moving is making you uncomfortable," Jess said rapidly. "Now, option one is possible but not likely, I'm hoping it's not option two, and option three is possible, likely, and . . . weird."  
  
Rory tried to laugh off Jess' comment, but it ended up sounding like she was choking on something. "That's crazy, Jess. Why would it matter to me if you move out?"  
  
"I don't know, Rory, why would it matter to you if I move out?"  
  
Rory could see Jess in her mind, leaning against the counter, arms folded across his chest, crooked half-smile on his face, all designed to make her squirm. "It doesn't matter."  
  
Jess laughed softly under his breath. "Uh-huh."  
  
"Fine," Rory whimpered. "Maybe I was nervous for a second that you were vanishing again."  
  
"And . . ." Jess prodded.  
  
"And nothing."  
  
Jess laughed again, "Whatever you say."  
  
"I hate it when you do this," Rory told him.  
  
"Then tell me what else is bothering you, and I won't have to."  
  
Rory stood up and milled around her room, stopping to kick petulantly at the foot of her bed. "Maybe I'm jealous," she mumbled.  
  
"What was that?" Jess asked. "I missed that."  
  
"Maybe I'm jealous," she repeated so that Jess could hear her.  
  
"Of me?" Jess asked incredulously. "What for?"  
  
"You're doing stuff on your own, for yourself." Rory felt herself blush. "I wish I could do that."  
  
Jess seemed to be contemplating something. "Okay, and correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Yale something you're doing on your own, for yourself? I mean, I've never been to college, but I don't remember hearing that it had become a team sport."  
  
"My grandparents are paying for it," Rory reminded him. "It's hardly something I can claim to be doing on my own if I couldn't do it with out them."  
  
"You could do it on your own," Jess protested. "You'd have to take out massive loans, but you could do it."  
  
Rory kicked her bedframe again. "It's not that easy, Jess. You've met my grandmother. You don't honestly think she'd have let me take out loans from a bank when she could offer me the money, do you?"  
  
"All right. So, you may have me there." Jess paused, and there was a noise like he was chewing something. He swallowed and spoke again. "Listen, someday, like twenty years from now, I'll turn on CNN or some other channel, and there you'll be, standing in the middle of some war torn country, all crazy-eyed 'cause of the night vision camera, and I will be incredibly jealous of you."  
  
Rory felt warm at Jess' words. "You really think so? You still think I can do that?"  
  
"Hey, I would not have offered to drive down the road at you, screaming in a foreign language, if I didn't think it would be beneficial."  
  
"I always thought that was a very sweet offer," Rory admitted.  
  
Jess made a wordless noise in his throat. "So, how's your break going?"  
  
Rory laughed out loud. "That was a pretty obvious subject change."  
  
"I try," Jess said sarcastically. "You gonna let me get away with it?"  
  
"Break is fine," Rory said in response. "I've been doing a little reading now and then, but I'm mostly vegging. It's nice not having piles of work stacked around the room or witnessing Paris have yet another meltdown." Rory sat on the edge of her bed, plucking at a stray thread. "What are you up to?"  
  
"Same old thing," Jess sighed. "Work, work, and still more work. I toss some stuff in a box to move every now and then, but that's about it."  
  
"Are you still going to stay with Lily on Thursdays?"  
  
"Yeah. I can't leave her alone in the middle of Narnia, now can I?" The affection in Jess' voice was undisguised.  
  
Rory still couldn't get over how much Jess seemed to care about Lily. It was completely against his nature, and Rory wished she could meet Lily to know what was different about her that made the Jess that Rory knew, the one who cringed at the sight of a baby, become what sounded like a teddy bear. A teddy bear made of a rather scratchy material, but a teddy bear nonetheless.  
  
"You've moved onto C.S. Lewis?" Rory asked.  
  
"A couple of weeks ago. Lily likes Swift, but I didn't think Sasha would appreciate me reading her 'A Modest Proposal,'" Jess said.  
  
"Probably not," Rory agreed. There was a thudding on Jess' end of the line. A metallic clinking revealed what he was doing; he was setting the table. "I should let you go. I don't want to keep you from your dinner."  
  
"Okay. Lil, come here." Jess passed the phone off to Lily, something else she'd pestered him into doing after a few weeks of calls.  
  
"Hi, Rory," Lily chirped. "Next week can you tell me something else about Jess? Something like the egg thing? He turned a really neat color when I asked him about that."  
  
Rory laughed, "Sure, I'll think of something. You guys have a good time tonight, okay?"  
  
"Okay. Bye, Rory."  
  
"Bye, Lily." Rory waited for Jess to come back on the line.  
  
"I really wish you wouldn't tell her stuff," he grumbled. "Do you know how hard it was to tell her why you threw deviled eggs at my car without going into too much detail? There isn't an eight year old alive who will accept 'she was mad at me' as an answer."  
  
"There also isn't one who thinks 'I don't know anything else' is a good answer either," Rory shot back.  
  
Jess chuckled, "I'll call you next week. Good night, Rory."  
  
"Good night, Jess."  
  
Rory hung up and lay back on the bed. She usually took some time to think about her conversations with Jess after they hung up. He sounded a lot lighter than she remembered; he laughed a lot more. And it wasn't always sarcastic laughter. Rory wondered if he looked different, too. Did he still carry himself like he was waiting for someone to attack him somehow, shoulders hunched with his hands in his pockets? She hoped not. There were times, when it was just the two of them, that he would relax and drop his guard. Rory never told him, but he looked so much younger during those times, and it made her wish he would tell her what made him close off and have to grow up so quickly. She had the irrational notion that she could fix him somehow. She knew in her heart that she couldn't, but maybe getting to know Jimmy and having some sort of stable family around him was exactly what could fix him. Rory hoped so.  
  
Rolling off the bed, she opened the door to her room and went to see what her mother had wanted earlier. She found Lorelai curled up on the couch watching an infomercial.  
  
"You know, this vacuum saver thing is really cool. I think we should get one," Lorelai said idly.  
  
Rory flopped down next to her mother. "You just want to see what happens if you put a Twinkie in one." She expected answer about all the possible benefits that might be derived from snack food experimentation, but that wasn't what she got.  
  
"He makes you happy," Lorelai said instead.  
  
"Jan the Food Saver guy?" Rory asked, confused.  
  
"No, Jess." Lorelai turned to look at Rory. "I haven't seen you as happy as you were on the phone in a long time."  
  
Rory blushed and stared intently at the television. "I've been happy," she insisted.  
  
"Not giggle until you can't breathe happy." Lorelai shifted and faced Rory directly and poked her in the shoulder. "Tell me."  
  
Rory regarded her mother with a skeptical look. "Tell you what?"  
  
"What it is about Jess that makes you smile like that? Why Jess at all?"  
  
"I don't know why, exactly. There isn't one specific thing," Rory said quietly. She'd thought about why she was drawn to Jess before she'd started dating him, while she was dating him, and even now that she wasn't sure what they were doing. Not once had she been able to figure out what it was that drew them together. Yes, they shared a lot of common interests in books and music, but that wasn't completely it. "It's just him, I guess."  
  
Lorelai sighed and nodded. "I was afraid of that."  
  
"What's that mean?"  
  
"He's your Christopher."  
  
"Mom," Rory groaned, "stop saying that. Jess is not like Dad. He isn't even the guy you remember. He's a lot different since he moved to California. He's not as angry all the time; he talks about things. He's really trying to change."  
  
"And he makes you smile," Lorelai said quietly, tucking a lock of Rory's hair back. "He didn't do that before."  
  
Rory's blush came back. "He did. We were just usually alone."  
  
"That was entirely too much information, babe. I'm getting mental images now. Is it possible to bleach your brain?" Lorelai wondered.  
  
"Mom!" Rory squealed and pushed at her mother's shoulder. The two started laughing and playfully shoving each other. "Does this mean we've made up?" Rory wanted to know.  
  
"There could be a very small chance that I was wrong about you talking to Jess," Lorelai admitted. "But only very small," she said quickly. "Teeny- tiny, microbial small."  
  
"Microbes multiply, you know," Rory reminded her. "Someday that tiny bit of wrongness could grow into you and Jess being best friends."  
  
"Hey, now. We're finally mostly cool again. Let's not push it." Lorelai turned back to the television. "What do you think would happen if we tried to vacuum save a full soda can?"  
  
Rory sighed contentedly and rested against her mother's side. This is the way things should be. Well, almost the way they should be. She looked up at Lorelai. "You know that you have to apologize to Luke too?"  
  
Lorelai rested her cheek on the top of Rory's head. "Hush, sweetie. Mommy's learning about all the money she can save buying cheese in bulk."  
  
**********  
  
The door squeaked open and let in the sound of a few dogs half-heartedly squabbling in the yard. Footsteps followed by the jangling of keys entered the house, and then the door clicked shut again. Jess caught sight of Jimmy out of the corner of his eye and held up a hand to stave of the probable comment on the state of things outside. Finishing the page they were on, Jess dog-eared the corner and handed the book to Lily.  
  
"Go get ready for bed early, and I'll come to your room in a little bit to finish the chapter, okay?" he asked the young girl. "I want to talk to Jimmy about something."  
  
Lily shrugged a shoulder. "Okay." She tucked the book under her arm and skipped down the hall leaving Jess and Jimmy alone.  
  
"You know," Jimmy said, "she was six when she told me she didn't need to be read to at night anymore." He sat down and stretched his legs out in front of him. "She really likes you."  
  
Jess shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat. "Yeah, well, she likes it when we talk about what we're reading instead of me just reading the words to her." He shifted again, pulled something out of his back pocket and tossed over to land in Jimmy's lap.  
  
"What's this?" Jimmy asked, looking down at what Jess had thrown at him. It was a picture of a girl perched on a stool in what Jimmy faintly recalled as being Luke's diner.  
  
"That's Rory," Jess told him.  
  
Jimmy looked up and tried to hide his surprise at the rather sudden turn in Jess' willingness to share this mystery he'd been keeping. "She's the one you've been calling?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"She looks . . ." Jimmy trailed off and looked at the picture again. The girl in the photo was smiling brightly at the camera, and, he assumed, at Jess behind the lens. She was petite, long brown hair pulled into a ponytail. Her clothes were neat and conservative but there was tinsel caught in the ponytail and a red Christmas garland looped around her neck like a shiny metallic feather boa. Jimmy wasn't sure how to finish his broken thought.  
  
Jess did. ". . . nothing like you thought she would. You were expecting a bleach job, tight clothes, and more make up than a kabuki theater." Jess watch Jimmy stumble in denial before helping him out. "That's okay. I dated girls like that. I dated a lot of girls like that. Even managed to find one in Stars Hollow."  
  
"So, how'd you end up with this one?" Jimmy wanted to know.  
  
"Her mom and Luke are friends. When I first got there they had us over for some 'getting to know you' dinner. She was sitting there, and she smiled at me. . ."  
  
"And someone cued a choir of angels," Jimmy concluded.  
  
"Something like that," Jess agreed. He then gave Jimmy a condensed history of his relationship with Rory, concluding with his letter and their recent phone calls, all the more personal details deleted, of course.  
  
Jimmy nodded along as Jess spoke. "So, why are you telling me this now?" he asked when Jess finished.  
  
"Not sure," the younger man shrugged. And Jess wasn't sure exactly, but he did know that it felt sort of unfair to keep that part of himself closed off when Jimmy was trying so hard to be open and make Jess feel welcome. Maybe he was opening up about Rory out of some kind of misplaced guilt over moving out of the house. Maybe it was because he was starting to see how alike he and Jimmy were, and he wanted the man to know that he'd had someone special too, that he wasn't a complete emotional void. Maybe spending all that time with Lily was making him soft. Whatever was causing the change, Jess couldn't stop it, and he was pretty sure he didn't want to.  
  
Standing, he collected his picture and turned to go find Lily and finish their chapter, but Jimmy called after him before he got too far.  
  
"Jess, I know that you've had a rough time, but . . ."  
  
Just then, Lily's voice echoed into the room proclaiming that she was ready, and Jimmy trailed off.  
  
Jess nodded toward the hall, "So, I should get back to Lily so she can get to sleep."  
  
"Yeah," Jimmy agreed, "Sasha gets a little cranky if Lily's up late."  
  
Jess laughed under his breath, "Go figure."  
  
Jimmy laughed lightly with his son. "Go. Read. But, Jess? Thanks for telling me about your friend."  
  
Pausing at the edge of the room, Jess gave Jimmy a slight nod and small smile before continuing toward Lily's inquiry about whether or not he was coming.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: Thanks to everyone for reading! Coming up next - lots and lots of Luke, I promise. And Jimmy'll make Jess an offer he can't refuse . . . or can he? 


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note: How's that for a quick update? Inspiration struck, mostly because I'm just as eager for the rest of the story as you all are. Not as much Luke as I originally planned because the first half of this chapter turned out to be longer than I thought it would, and I've made the decision to divide it into two chapters. So, without anymore waiting, here's Chapter Nine.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Nine: All Or Nothing  
  
June 2004  
  
Jess made change for what seemed like the nine-hundredth person that day, and it wasn't even two o'clock. He thought the tourists that came through Connecticut to see the leaves were bad. They were nothing compared to the summer tourists on the boardwalk. He'd never seen so many pale people in awe of a body of water before. He'd made a mental note after the first real day of the season to never visit the Midwest. If the people he was seeing were any indication, he'd become hopelessly bored there inside of twenty minutes, and then he wouldn't be responsible for his actions. Glancing at the clock, he was grateful to find that it was almost time for his break. Not only was making change tedious, but the sight of another hot-dog was going to make him scream.  
  
A touch on his shoulder made him jump. Jimmy was standing behind him with an expectant look on his face. "Take your break and come outside," Jimmy said. "I want to talk to you about something."  
  
Jess untied his apron, tossed it at Lee, and followed Jimmy to one of the tables scattered outside. He sank into a chair across from the older man and drummed his fingers on the table, waiting for Jimmy to say something.  
  
Jimmy took a deep breath and started speaking, but he looked everywhere except at Jess. "I know that you didn't come out here for anything other than to try and get to know me, and I think we've been doing pretty well at that. I also know that you don't want me giving you things out of some sense of obligation that you think I might feel for taking off on you and your mom."  
  
"Is there going to be a point to this, or are we just going over all the things you know?" Jess asked impatiently.  
  
"Apparently you didn't inherit my nervous rambling," Jimmy said wryly.  
  
"No, thank God. I'd drive myself crazy." Jess continued drumming on the table. "So?" he prompted Jimmy to continue.  
  
"Right. If I offered to do something for you, would you consider it for awhile before refusing?"  
  
Jess' fingers stilled and his eyebrows arched skeptically. "That would depend on what you're offering, I guess."  
  
Jimmy cleared his throat. "Your friend in Connecticut . . . Rory . . ."  
  
"What about her?" Jess became defensive almost without thinking about it.  
  
"Do you, or maybe she'd . . . I like to, if you'll let me . . ." Jimmy's eyes continued to dart around and avoid meeting Jess'.  
  
"Jimmy, just look at me and ask already!"  
  
"If I paid for a plane ticket, would you want to see her again?" Jimmy's eyes landed on Jess' face somewhere around the middle of his question, and he watched the younger man's face shift from frustrated annoyance to wide- eyed surprise.  
  
"Plane ticket?" Jess eventually managed to ask. He felt like he'd been hit by a bus. This was the last thing that he expected Jimmy to ask him.  
  
"Yeah. For like a week or something. You could go back, see her and Luke, some of your other friends."  
  
"I don't have any other friends there," Jess snapped out quickly. He pushed a hand through his hair and slumped down into the chair. He wanted to see Rory again, and it might be nice to see Luke too, but going back to Stars Hollow? There were a lot of memories there that Jess didn't think he was ready to face yet. "I can't go back there," he admitted.  
  
Jimmy's forehead creased in confusion. "I thought you told me that you weren't in any trouble back there."  
  
"I'm not," Jess sighed. "I just can't . . . the people there, they don't forget things easily, and I did some stuff. The way I left, they won't forget that, they'll talk, and I can't do that to Rory and Luke."  
  
"Okay," Jimmy nodded. "Um, well, what if I paid for her to come out here?"  
  
Jess considered that idea. Every once and awhile Rory would drop a hint that she was interested in seeing him again, but it always seemed like she was asking him if he was planning on making a visit back to Stars Hollow. She'd never once mentioned a desire to come to California. But, then again, he'd never really asked her.  
  
"I don't know," Jess said, picking at the edge of the weather-worn table. He looked over at Jimmy. "Why do you want to do this?"  
  
"You talk to this girl every week, Jess. You keep pictures of her hidden inside books; she's important to you. When someone is that important, you should be able to see them," Jimmy said softly.  
  
"It'd be awkward, seeing her again. Talking on the phone is one thing, but being in the same room again? I don't know if it's a good idea." Jess watched Jimmy's face fall a little. He sat up and rested his forearms on the table. "But I'll think about it, Jimmy."  
  
Jimmy brightened and stood. "Okay. Okay, good." He clapped a hand on Jess' shoulder. "Let me know?"  
  
"Yeah." Jess managed a small smile as Jimmy gave his shoulder an affectionate shake, but as soon as the he was alone again his mouth twisted into a scowl. He buried his face in his hands, completely lost as to what to do. Well, not completely lost. He did have one idea, but it would have to wait until later. Pushing his hair back, Jess stood and scrubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. He'd deal with all of it later; right now he had to get back to work.  
  
**********  
  
Jess drug himself up the stairs, struggled to get his key out of his pocket, and stumbled gratefully over to the battered couch. He flopped down face first, not caring about the handful of stuffing that the action forced out of one of the cushions. Summer was now officially he least favorite time of year. The only thought keeping him from losing his mind was that he had tomorrow off, and for the rest of the week he only had to work at the bookstore. Most of the tourists tended to avoid the dimly lit little shop in favor of the brightly lit chain bookstores. If they were even looking for books. The used bookstore tended to rely on the repeat business of the neighborhood rather than the summer influx of tourists.  
  
Flipping over onto his back, Jess stared longingly at the refrigerator. There was half a carton of Chinese takeout in it, and he would have given almost anything for telekinetic powers at that moment so he wouldn't have to get up to get it. Groaning, he got to his feet and shuffled over and retrieved the container. He took a reasonably clean fork from the sink, leaned his hip against the two feet of counter space the kitchenette offered him, and began methodically eating. A voice in the back of his mind was suggesting that it might taste better if he reheated the food, but that involved too much brain power for Jess at that moment. All he'd been doing since he'd talked to Jimmy that afternoon had been thinking, and he desperately wanted to do something else for a little while.  
  
He absolutely didn't want to think anymore about the possibly of seeing Rory again. Of course, he'd spent enough time thinking that he didn't want to think about it that he had no choice but to think about it.  
  
"And now I'm starting to think LIKE her," he muttered when he realized how scattered his brain had become. "I need help," he told his dinner and then laughed at himself, "and I'm not going to get it from cold lo-mein."  
  
He dropped the empty carton into the trash and tossed the fork back into the sink. Crossing the room, he sat down on the edge of his bed, toed off his shoes, and flopped backwards. He reached for the phone blindly and pulled it to him, dialing before he could even see the numbers. He only had to wait for a few moments before it was picked up.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Is that the proper way to answer a phone in a place of business?" Jess asked sarcastically.  
  
"It's my phone, and I'll answer it any way I want to. What do you want?"  
  
"I can't just want to talk to my favorite uncle?"  
  
"I'm your only uncle," Luke snorted.  
  
"True," Jess agreed. He heard some noise in the background on Luke's end of the line. "Are you busy right now?"  
  
"It's only Taylor," Luke told him, "so, no. What's going on?"  
  
Jess coughed lightly. "Jimmy offered me something today."  
  
"Gonna need more to go on, Jess," Luke said. "Was it like a an After- School Special kind of thing or more of a Lifetime Network situation?"  
  
"Ha ha," Jess barked. "I'm being serious."  
  
"So am I. I can't read your mind."  
  
"Jimmy offered me a plane ticket to Connecticut," Jess said in a rush.  
  
"Uh-huh." Luke's surprise was evident even in those two syllables.  
  
"Yeah," Jess sighed. "I told him I couldn't take it."  
  
"Then why are we talking about it?" Luke asked.  
  
"After I told him that, he offered to send it to Rory so she could come out here." Jess rolled onto his side and pulled one of the pillows from the head of the bed to curl around. It was an unconscious little boy action, and, if anyone else had been in the room with him, it would have betrayed his nervousness and insecurity.  
  
"Ah. And what you'd tell him when he said that?"  
  
"That I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but I'd think about it."  
  
Luke hummed in his throat. "And you want me to help you think about it? That's what this call's about?"  
  
Jess chuckled darkly. "I've been doing nothing but think about it all afternoon. I want you to tell me I'm not making a huge mistake."  
  
"Lemme clear my schedule then." Jess heard the rustle of Luke laying the phone against his shoulder and then the shout of 'Taylor, it's past your bedtime, get out!' Taylor sputtered unintelligibly in indignation, the bell over the door rattled dimly, and then Luke was back. "All right, what have you decided?"  
  
"I do want to see Rory again," Jess began, "and I think she might want to see me . . . but I don't know if this is the right time."  
  
"It's been over a year," Luke reminded him. "You said you think she wants to see you?"  
  
"Yeah, maybe, but it's more like her asking if I'm planning on moving back there. She's never mentioned coming out here."  
  
"You ever mentioned it?" Luke asked.  
  
"No," Jess said shortly.  
  
Luke bit back a chuckle. "Are you going to?"  
  
"I'm leaning that way," Jess revealed. He rolled to his back, still clutching the pillow to his chest. "What do you think?"  
  
"What I think about you asking her, or what I think Rory will say?"  
  
"Either, both, whatever."  
  
Clearing his throat, Luke tackled Jess' first question. "If you think she might want to see you again, then I think you should ask her. Otherwise, you're just going to wonder about it."  
  
"Probably," Jess sighed.  
  
"If you want to know what I think Rory will say? I really have no idea," Luke said truthfully. "If it were me . . ."  
  
"Suddenly, you're a nineteen year old girl?" Jess interrupted.  
  
"If it were me," Luke repeated, "I'd feel awkward seeing you again, no question. Especially with Venice being your comfort zone, and not having anything I'm familiar with to go to if things got too uncomfortable with you."  
  
Jess groaned in despair. "That's really not helping, Luke."  
  
"I wasn't finished," Luke snapped. "I was also going to say that if I were Rory, as awkward as it might be, I'd be really upset if you didn't at least let me decide for myself if I'm ready to feel that awkward."  
  
"Do I even want to know why you're so comfortable inside Rory's head? Is there something you want to tell me?" Jess teased.  
  
Luke grumbled into the phone. "Why do I bother to help you if you're just going to mock?"  
  
"Because I'm lovable in my surliness?"  
  
"I don't think even Rory thinks that," Luke laughed. Neither man spoke for a few moments until Luke finally asked, "You decided what you're going to do?"  
  
Jess took a deep breath and flung his pillow to the floor. "Yep."  
  
"And are you going to share that decision?" Luke asked gruffly.  
  
"I'm going to ask her about it." Jess pushed himself into a seated position. "I just have to figure out how."  
  
Luke made a noise of commiseration in his throat. "I'm sure I'll know when you do."  
  
"Why's that?" Jess asked.  
  
"Well, either Rory and I will have the same conversation you and I just had, or Lorelai will storm in here and eviscerate me," Luke said dryly. "You get the diner if I die."  
  
"Great. I'll sell it to Taylor, and he can turn it into a souvenir thimble shop."  
  
"And now you can't have it," Luke said shortly.  
  
"Darn. Taylor will be so disappointed," Jess said sarcastically.  
  
"Don't you have call Rory now?" Luke's laughter was barely hidden as his question made Jess groan again.  
  
"You could just say that you want me to hang up instead of killing my good mood," Jess almost whined.  
  
Luke snorted. "I want you to hang up."  
  
Jess sighed with mock dejection. "Fine, fine. No one loves me."  
  
"Good to know you're keeping perspective out there."  
  
Luke's joke brightened Jess' mood slightly. "Those lonely nights watching Comedy Central are really rubbing off on you. Maybe you and Miss Patty can put together a show."  
  
"Get off my phone, Jess," Luke growled.  
  
"Bye, Uncle Luke. Give my regards to Broadway." Jess broke into uninhibited laughter as Luke muttered something that sounded like 'insolent punk' and hung up the phone.  
  
**********  
  
Two days later, Jess was leaning against the sink in Jimmy and Sasha's kitchen watching Lily settle herself at the table with a bowl full of what would eventually become cake batter. It was Sasha's birthday on Saturday, and Jess had promised Lily that he'd help her make a cake. He'd supervised her putting all the ingredients together, and now it was just a matter of mixing it, something Lily could do by hand while Jess called Rory and attempted to ask her to come visit him without making either one of them too uncomfortable. He picked up the phone from where he'd set it next to him and dialed Rory.  
  
"What?" was the greeting barked in Jess' ear when the line was picked up.  
  
"Well, hello, Paris. Don't you have someone else you can bother when you're not at school?" Paris only hissed for Rory to keep the call short, causing Jess to laugh softly while he waited for Rory to come to the phone.  
  
"Hi, Jess," Rory said more sternly than she usually did. "Paris, get off me! It's my house, I'll talk on the phone as long as I want to, and you were supposed to go home two hours ago."  
  
Jess heard Paris continue to squabble with Rory for a few minutes before the sound of a door opening and closing signaled the high-strung girl's departure. "She doesn't annoy you enough at school, she has to follow you home and do it over the summer, too?" he wanted to know.  
  
Rory sighed wearily. "She showed up earlier with a list of all the things she felt went well and not so well in our dorm room so we can plan over the summer on how to make next year better. She said it would only take an hour, but I should have known it was a Paris Gellar Hour and not a regular hour."  
  
"Next year?" Jess asked. "You're living with her again?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"She's not as bad as she sounds," Rory insisted. "Paris is just a little tense sometimes. We actually had fun once and awhile."  
  
"Whatever you say," Jess said. "You're a brave woman, Rory Gilmore."  
  
"I have my moments," she agreed. "What's going on tonight?"  
  
Jess adopted a regal tone. "Tonight, young Miss Lily and I are undertaking the long-honored task of pastry making." He smiled at Lily who had looked over at him when she heard him mention her name.  
  
"Hi, Rory!" the girl called out, giggling and sticking her tongue out at Jess before turning back to the bowl in front of her.  
  
Rory was laughing in Jess' ear. "I didn't know you baked."  
  
"We're getting an assist from Duncan Hines," Jess admitted. "But I can crack a mean egg."  
  
"I can attest to that. What else is new this week?"  
  
He knew this was his opening to present the idea of a visit, and Jess took it. "Actually, something interesting happened the other day."  
  
"What?" Rory sounded intrigued by whatever his news might be.  
  
"Um . . . well, Jimmy asked me something," Jess felt Lily staring at him and faltered.  
  
Rory waited patiently for a moment for Jess to continue, but when he didn't, concern crept into her voice. "Jess? Is everything okay?"  
  
Giving Lily another smile as an apology, Jess turned his back to the young girl and continued talking to Rory. "Yeah, fine. Jimmy wanted to know if you and I had ever talked about seeing each other, maybe getting together for a visit or something," he said lightly, trying to make it seem like it was just a passing question and not a potentially loaded situation.  
  
Rory's sharply drawn breath told him he hadn't succeeded. "Oh . . . really? Well, that's . . . I mean, that we've . . ." Rory stammered.  
  
"I've thought about it," Jess told her. "And I'm pretty sure you have. You've asked me about moving back to Stars Hollow before."  
  
"Thought about it, sure," Rory said quietly, "but actually doing it is different."  
  
"Yeah." Jess swallowed thickly. "Would you want to?"  
  
"Maybe," Rory whispered eventually. In a louder voice, she started voicing her doubts. "It's just that it'd be really awkward, you know? We haven't seen each other in a long time, and the last time we did see each other it wasn't good. And we've both been doing new things, and we've changed. It might not be the same. Or it might be exactly the same." She sounded like that last option was the worst one of all of them.  
  
"I've already thought of all of that," Jess said. "I didn't ask you why you think we shouldn't. I asked you if you wanted to."  
  
Rory exhaled heavily. "If I do, how would it work? You've made it pretty clear that you don't feel comfortable coming back here, and I can't exactly afford to go to California."  
  
Jess started nervously running his fingers along the edge of the sink. "Yeah, about that. Jimmy's question actually had two parts." He paused and looked over his shoulder at Lily. Seeing that she was still engrossed in lumpy cake batter, he proceeded. "Jimmy offered to pay for a plane ticket."  
  
Her breathing sped, but Rory remained silent for almost five minutes. Jess waited just as silently on the other end of the line. It didn't take him long to notice that his own breathing had sped along with hers, and they were now inhaling and exhaling at the same time. He wondered if that meant they were thinking the same thing as well. Finally, Rory spoke.  
  
"Can I think about it, Jess?" she asked.  
  
"Sure," Jess told her quickly and then worried that he sounded too eager.  
  
"Okay, then I'll think about it. Is there a time limit or anything?"  
  
"Jimmy didn't give me one, but probably sometime this summer."  
  
Rory giggled softly. "Well, yeah. I was just wondering if you needed to know before next week when we talk."  
  
"That'll be fine," Jess assured her.  
  
"Um, Jess? What do you want me to decide?" Rory asked shyly.  
  
While Jess really wanted to hear Rory say she'd accept the ticket, he wanted the decision to be entirely hers. "Don't worry about what I want. Do what you want to do, okay?"  
  
"Okay." She sounded grateful that he wasn't going to push her into a decision. "I think I need to go now."  
  
"I understand," he said gently. For the briefest moment he wished Rory were in front of him right now so that he could smooth the tension lines he knew were creasing between her eyes.  
  
Rory ended the call the same way that she always did. "Good night, Jess."  
  
"Night, Rory," Jess returned. He waited for her to hang up before doing the same. Turning back around, he closed the short distance to the table and set the phone down. Lily looked up at him with expectant eyes. Jess reached down and flipped the end of one of her pigtails between his fingers.  
  
"I think it's mixed enough," she told him, tilting the bowl gently so that Jess could see into it.  
  
"I think your right," he agreed. "Let's pour it in the pan, huh?" Jess pushed the pan he'd gotten out earlier across the table to Lily and helped her steady the bowl while she poured carefully.  
  
"Is Rory coming to visit?" Lily asked suddenly. She shrugged when Jess looked at her sharply. "You're loud even when you're quiet," she explained.  
  
Jess sighed and flipped her hair again. "I don't know, Lil. She's gotta think about it."  
  
"Oh." Lily swiped the rim of the bowl and licked her finger. "I hope she comes."  
  
"Me too," Jess said softly, stealing a stray drip of cake batter for himself. "Me too."  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: Thanks for reading, and don't for get to let me know what you think. Coming up in Chapter Ten: Rory's decision! 


	10. Chapter 10

Author's Note: This chapter starts with Rory right after she hangs up with Jess in the last chapter. I honestly tried to have it up sooner, but the start of the holiday season and lack of motivation kept me from it. Anyway, I hope it was worth the wait, even if I think I telegraphed Rory's decision in the last couple of chapters.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing thus far other than the plot. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but I'm trying to stay spoiler free for the upcoming season. Any similarities between what I've written and what will occur in Season 4 are coincidence. Chapter titles are borrowed from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I don't own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter 10: You And I Will Meet Again  
  
Rory sat cross-legged in the center of her bed looking at nothing in particular. There was far too much going on inside her head to recognize anything that was going on outside of it. She had thought deciding to talk to Jess again would be the hardest decision she'd have to make for a long time, but apparently she was wrong. No, deciding if she wanted to actually see Jess again was definitely much harder. Of course, she didn't have to make a decision right away. She'd asked Jess how soon he needed to have an answer, and to her mingling relief and horror he'd told her to take her time. Part of her wished he needed an answer right away so that she could refuse and blame it on short notice rather than fear. Another part of her was happy that she had time to think on it and wouldn't make the wrong decision rashly.  
  
"Why does everything with him have to be a double-edged sword?" she wondered aloud.  
  
"Everything with who, babe?" Lorelai's disembodied voice asked from the kitchen.  
  
Rory sighed and went into the kitchen to join her mother at the table. "Everything with Jess," she said dejectedly.  
  
"Ah, should have known," Lorelai said and rose to rummage through the freezer. She came away with a carton of ice cream, collected two spoons from the silverware drawer, and presented the lot to Rory. "Want to tell Mommy about it?"  
  
Taking a spoon and prying the lid off the carton, Rory looked up at her mother. "I'd rather tell Lorelai about it."  
  
Lorelai smiled gently. "Okay, then. Fire away." She sat down across from Rory, took up the other spoon, and waited for Rory to begin.  
  
"Remember that you're doing the best-friend thing now and not the mother thing, okay?" Rory savored a heavy spoonful of ice cream while Lorelai nodded her agreement, and then she dropped the proverbial bomb. "Jess asked me if I would consider visiting him in California."  
  
Her eyes widened, but Lorelai managed to refrain from screaming 'NO!' at the top of her voice. Instead she managed a concerned, "Really? That was kind of out of the blue."  
  
"Yeah," was Rory's only response.  
  
Lorelai pushed forward when Rory didn't elaborate. "So, what did you tell him?"  
  
"That I'd think about it and let him know next week."  
  
"And what did he say to that?"  
  
Rory shrugged, "It was fine with him. He didn't seem to mind when he got an answer." She ate slowly, wondering exactly what Jess' attitude about getting an answer meant. In her mind, it either meant that he didn't want her to come and didn't know how to tell her, or he did want her to come and didn't know how to tell her. Well, that, or it didn't actually matter when he got an answer. She felt her mother's eyes on her and looked up again. "What?"  
  
"I was just wondering how exactly you're supposed to pay for a flight to California," Lorelai said.  
  
"I wondered that too," Rory told her, "until Jess said that Jimmy offered to pay for it. I guess it was Jimmy's idea."  
  
"Jimmy?" Lorelai tilted her head in confusion. "Jess' dad, Jimmy?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Why would he do that?"  
  
"I didn't ask," Rory said, shrugging again. "I was more concerned about the visit part, not who was paying for it." She shrugged and tossed her spoon into the now nearly empty ice cream container. "What am I going to do?"  
  
Lorelai set down her own spoon. "Well, if I were your mother, I'd tell you to say no for reasons I've mentioned numerous times before, but I'm not your mother right now. So, as your friend, I'm going to tell you that I think you should think about it and do what your heart tells you to do."  
  
Rory eyed her skeptically. "That still sounds like a mom answer."  
  
"Yeah, well," Lorelai shrugged, "separating Mom from Lorelai is a little like separating church and state. It looks good in theory, but sometimes the lines get a little fuzzy."  
  
"That's a very odd analogy, but I think I get it." Rory got up and gave Lorelai a hug. "Thanks, Mom."  
  
"That's why I'm here," Lorelai told her, returning the hug. Rory didn't see the worried expression on Lorelai's face over her shoulder.  
  
**********  
  
Monday Evening  
  
Luke looked over at the door as Lorelai and Rory came in. Both women looked pensive, and Luke sighed as he delivered the plates he was carrying. Following them to the counter, he slipped behind it while Lorelai and Rory sat down.  
  
"What can I get you tonight?" he asked, pouring them their standard vats of coffee.  
  
"Are we in our usual burgers and fries mood?" Lorelai asked Rory.  
  
"Sure," Rory shrugged. "Whatever."  
  
Lorelai turned back to Luke. "Burgers and fries it is."  
  
He nodded tersely, but gave Rory a long look before going back to the kitchen. She was frowning, and her eyes looked a little glazed over like she hadn't been getting a lot of sleep. Luke figured that Jess had asked her about visiting him, and she was struggling with what she wanted to do. It was also easy to figure out from Lorelai's expression that Rory'd talked to her about possibly going to California, and Lorelai was less than thrilled with the idea. Luke sighed again. Since this was the first time he'd seen the Gilmores since last Thursday, when Jess likely asked Rory, he was probably in for a long night.  
  
Serving the pair when their food was ready, Luke watched them out of the corner of his eye as he continued to work around the diner. They were the most subdued he'd ever seen them, even when they were fighting with each other. It didn't give him a lot of hope about making it through the night without a confrontation, especially when they continued to sit at the counter long after they were finished eating and the diner started clearing out of other patrons. After the last person, save for Lorelai and Rory, left the diner, Luke had had enough of the two of them sitting there and not speaking to anyone, even each other.  
  
"Okay," he said gruffly, slamming the coffee pot down on the counter, "let's have it."  
  
Lorelai snickered softly and muttered, "Dirty."  
  
"Have what?" Rory asked. She looked up from the pie crust remains she'd been crushing against the edge of her plate.  
  
Luke folded his arms and leaned against the prep counter. "The reason why the two of you have been here for four hours and have eaten a total of a pie and half. I have a pretty good idea what's going on, but why don't you humor me and tell me anyway."  
  
"Nothing's wrong," Lorelai insisted. "We were just suffering from a severe pie deficiency."  
  
Giving Lorelai a skeptical glance, Luke shifted his eyes to Rory. "And you're going with the pie story, too?"  
  
Rory looked up at Luke. "I like pie," she mumbled.  
  
Luke nodded, "Okay, then. Here's what I think is going on." He pointed at Rory. "You talked to Jess last week, he asked you if you wanted to visit him, and you're still trying to decide what you want to do." His attention shifted to Lorelai, "And you want to tell her that she can't go, but you've agreed to say out of it and let her make her own decision, so you can't, and it's driving you even crazier than you usually are."  
  
Lorelai's mouth opened and shut a few times in indignation, but she wasn't able to say anything. It was Rory who spoke first.  
  
"That's not true," she said, looking sideways at her mother. "I have made a decision." She took in Lorelai's and Luke's surprised expressions. "I wanna go," Rory said in a rush.  
  
Luke was surprised, not that Rory wanted to go to California, but that she hadn't come in before making her decision and agonized over what she wanted to do while he listened. But he wasn't hurt by that. He was glad that Rory was becoming more comfortable when it came to Jess. Looking over at Lorelai though, he could tell he was probably the only one pleased with the fact that Rory was really getting over the hurt Jess left when he disappeared and renewing the friendship aspect of her relationship with Jess.  
  
"You want to go?" Lorelai asked, her voice wavering a little.  
  
Rory nodded. "Yeah. I know it's going to be strange, but I think it might also be . . . nice, I guess, to see Jess again. And he knows where everything is around here when I talk to him, but when he tells me stuff I don't always understand what he's talking about. It'll be good to see all the places he's told me about, and then there's Lily. She's so sweet on the phone, and she gets so excited when I talk to her. There's more than just Jess in California that I want to see."  
  
Neither Lorelai or Luke spoke for a long time after Rory finished reasoning out why she wanted to go. Seconds dragged into long minutes of silence, and eventually Rory became uncomfortable under the mute scrutiny and stood up.  
  
"I think I'm going to go home now," she said quietly. Without a backward glance, she left and disappeared down the sidewalk. Luke and Lorelai were left alone with Rory's decision hanging almost visibly in the air between them.  
  
Eventually, Luke said, "I think it's good that she wants to go."  
  
"Of course you do," Lorelai snorted. She started shredding her napkin in frustration. "You know, I had forgiven you for putting them back in contact, but this . . ."  
  
"Really," Luke interrupted, "where was I for that?" He pulled the remains of the napkin from Lorelai's shaking fingers. "What really bothers you about this? Is it really Jess, or is it that you're afraid that you're going to be alone someday?" Lorelai's eyes flashed briefly with hurt, and Luke knew he'd hit on a nerve.  
  
"I don't know what you mean," Lorelai lied, looking back down at the counter.  
  
"Yes, you do. I feel like we've had this conversation a hundred times before. You're not worried about whatever Jess might do to Rory, you're more afraid that she's becoming an independent adult who doesn't need you as much as she used to." Luke watched Lorelai fidget. "When she's at school, she's gone, but she still comes home. But someday she's going to be gone, living her life, and she won't be coming home every two weeks to do laundry and hang out. That terrifies you."  
  
Lorelai looked up at Luke. "You know, I liked you a lot better when you were just my anti-social coffee provider. All-knowing Luke is really irritating."  
  
"Is that you're way of admitting that I'm right without actually saying that I'm right?" Luke asked, hiding a small smile.  
  
"So I don't want to lose my baby. Is that a crime?" Lorelai snapped.  
  
"Only when you hold her back."  
  
"I don't really think Jess is an opportunity to move forward."  
  
"It doesn't matter what you think," Luke said. "I feel like I've told you that before, too."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Lorelai sighed. "I'm not going to tell her she can't go." She saw Luke's skeptical expression. "I'm not! It's just hard. Rory used to be my little girl, and, okay, so she was never clingy, but she was there, coming to me for advice, sharing things with me. And now . . . it's like she doesn't need a mother anymore. I'm all by myself; I've never been all by myself."  
  
Luke sighed and leaned on the counter, his head level with Lorelai's. "Rory's always going to need a mother, Lorelai. She just won't need you in the same ways." He reached out and touched Lorelai's wrist. "And you'll never be all by yourself. You've got Sookie and Jackson, a whole list of wackos in this town who love you, and as much as you don't want to admit it, your parents love you, too."  
  
"I suppose. And I've got you, too. Even if I hate you sometimes, you'll still be my friend when I need you," she said, smiling over at him.  
  
"As long as I've got no where better to go," Luke shrugged and gave a half smile when Lorelai started to laugh. He let go of her wrist. "But you do. You should get home and talk to Rory."  
  
"Yeah, I should," Lorelai nodded. "See you in the morning?"  
  
"Unless you want to starve," Luke said wryly. He picked up a towel and snapped it in her direction. "Go home."  
  
Lorelai pulled some money out of her purse and laid it on the counter. "See ya in twelve hours, buddy."  
  
Luke snorted, "I'll wait with bated breath." He watched Lorelai wave over her shoulder as she left. Shaking his head, he moved out from behind the counter and started closing up the diner for the night. That had gone much smoother than he feared it would at the beginning of the night. Of course, Rory hadn't seen Jess yet. She'd only decided that she wanted to. Things had the potential to get a lot uglier in the future, and knowing his luck, they would.  
  
**********  
  
Thursday Night  
  
Rory paced the front porch, scowling at her watch, and wiping her sweaty palms on her pants. It wasn't particularly hot; it was actually a rather cool day for June. She was sweating because she was nervous. It was eight o'clock, and Rory thought she was going to be sick if she had to wait another hour before calling Jess. She'd been worrying all day about telling him that she'd decided that she wanted to see him again. A dozen different scenarios had raced through her mind on what his reaction might be. Would he be glad and want to see her too? Would he be upset because he really didn't want to see her and had only asked her thinking she would never say yes? Would he be disappointed when he did see her again? Had she changed too much? Had he changed too much? Screaming wordlessly in frustration, she snatched up the phone and dialed, not caring if she was early. Four rings later, a voice Rory had never heard before picked up the line.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Rory faltered a moment before speaking. "Um, hello. This is Rory Gilmore. Jess' friend," she clarified. "I don't usually call this early, and I don't know if he's there or not . . . and, you know what, I'll just call back later when I usually do. I'm sorry for bothering you, and . . ."  
  
"Rory?" the person on the other end of the line cut in. "Calm down, honey. Jess isn't here, but he should be in a few minutes if you want to hang on."  
  
"Oh . . . um, okay." Rory took a deep breath and tried to relax. It then occurred to her that she had no idea who she was talking to. "This is going to sound really rude, and I'm sorry, but who is this?"  
  
The voice laughed. "I guess I could have started with that. This is Sasha."  
  
"Oh, right. That makes sense. It's your phone." Rory rolled her eyes at herself. She must have sounded like a complete idiot.  
  
"Sometimes it is," Sasha agreed. "So, I've heard a lot about you."  
  
"You have?" Rory was surprised at that. Jess might have changed, but he didn't seem like he'd changed enough to talk about his personal life with people.  
  
"Mmm-hmm. Lily's quite fond of you. Gives me all the details after she's talked with you."  
  
"Oh. Well, I like talking to Lily, too." That made more sense to Rory and it must have been audible in her voice.  
  
Sasha laughed again lightly. "Don't worry. Jess isn't telling secrets or anything. Not to me anyway. I'm not even sure he'd tell me if he were on fire."  
  
"That sounds like Jess," Rory said before she could censor herself. Quickly she tossed out, "I know he likes you though. He's told me that."  
  
"Oh, I know that," Sasha told her. "He just likes to keep certain things to himself. Jimmy's like that too. Didn't even tell me he'd gone to see Jess until the poor kid showed up at the house like a nomad."  
  
"That must have been strange," was all Rory could think of to say to that.  
  
Sasha sighed gently, "It was awkward at first, but we got over it. Now Jess is just another one of our strays. Only the others don't usually glower at me from the doorway."  
  
Rory heard heavy footsteps echoing over the phone. "I'm guessing he's there now."  
  
"Yeah," Sasha confirmed. "I'll hand you over to him. It was nice finally talking to you, Rory. We'll have to do it again sometime."  
  
"I'd like that," Rory said honestly. It might be interesting to hear what a woman Jess had likened to Lorelai thought of him now. Before she could say anything else to Sasha, Jess was in her ear.  
  
"Hey. Did I miss a time change or something?" he asked.  
  
Rory laughed nervously, "No. I just wanted to talk to you . . . you know, about coming out there, and I was starting to freak myself out, so I called early, but you weren't there yet. Sasha said she was expecting you soon, so I was just talking to her until you got there."  
  
"Yeah, I caught that last part," Jess said. "I especially liked that part where she called me a nomad, but I think if I'd showed up on camel-back instead of the bus it would have been a much more realistic image." It was clear in the tone of his voice that Jess was scowling.  
  
"Are you mad at me?" Rory asked tentatively. It wouldn't be out of character for Jess to be upset about people talking about him behind his back. If he were mad, that wouldn't be the greatest way to announce her decision.  
  
Jess heaved a sigh that ended in a wry chuckle. "No, not mad. Not crazy about being compared to a Bedouin, but . . ." he trailed off and sighed again. "Look, it's just that I'm not real proud of how I ended up here, and Sasha has this habit of bringing it up in conversation with everyone. But then, you already know how I got here, so I'm probably overreacting a little. I do that."  
  
"Yeah, I remember," Rory agreed.  
  
"Right." Jess' breath echoed into the phone as he exhaled steadily. "So," he eventually said, "now that we've filled our awkward silence quotient for the day, what's going on?"  
  
Rory took a deep breath to calm her nerves before speaking. "It's about last week. About me coming to visit you?"  
  
"So you've already said," Jess said evenly, his voice not betraying what he hoped her answer might be.  
  
"Uh-huh. So, I've thought a lot about it all week, and I've made a decision. Actually, I made the decision on Monday, and I kinda wanted to call then, but I thought you might be working, and I guess I still could have called and left a message or something, but it's not the sort of thing you'd probably want to learn from an answering machine, so . . ." Rory realized she was starting to babble like an idiot and stopped to take another breath. "I want to come."  
  
"Rory, that's okay, really. I understand," Jess said gently. Then he made an odd squeaking noise Rory had never heard him make before. "Wait . . . you just said you'd come."  
  
"Yes, I did. I want to come see you." There was dead silence on the line, and Rory grew concerned. "Jess?"  
  
He stumbled with his words, "Yeah, I'm . . . yeah, I just need to . . . outside." The door creaked in Rory's ear, and there was a shuffle of feet on some paved ground. A quiet snick of metal against metal followed, and Jess inhaled deeply.  
  
She figured out what he was doing. "You're smoking again," Rory said flatly.  
  
Jess exhaled and sounded apologetic. "Yeah. Not a lot, but sometimes I need it." He took another drag. "I'm shaking like crazy here, Rory," Jess revealed. "I gotta do something with my hands, something familiar and repetitive, or I'm going to lose it."  
  
"Why?" Rory asked. She was fairly sure he was nervous, she definitely was, but she certainly wasn't on the verge of a breakdown or anything. Not anymore. Or not yet.  
  
"I was sure you were going to say no," Jess told her. "I'd been preparing myself all week to hear you say that you couldn't take the ticket, that it'd be too strange and uncomfortable."  
  
Rory stopped pacing the porch and sank into a chair. She was uncertain what Jess' reaction meant. "Did you want me to say no?"  
  
"NO!" Jess barked. Rory then heard him muttering to himself, "Oh, smooth, Mariano. Way to sound desperate." Louder, he said, "I want you to come, but only if it's what you really want to do."  
  
"It's what I really want to do," Rory quickly affirmed. "My mom might not be crazy about it, but it's what I want."  
  
"Lorelai try to talk you out of it at all?" Jess wanted to know.  
  
"Not exactly. She asked me at least a dozen times if I was sure I was really ready to see you again, but she didn't say I couldn't go."  
  
"She thinks I pushed you into saying yes." Jess sighed, and his lighter whispered over the phone again.  
  
"Mom never said she thought that," Rory insisted. And Lorelai hadn't said that she thought Jess had been trying to influence Rory decision. She said some other things, but never that.  
  
Jess snorted in disbelief. "She doesn't have to say to think it." He was quiet, the only sound came from his lips pulling on the new cigarette he'd lit. "I want to talk to her," he finally said firmly.  
  
Rory choked on her breath. It was a horrible idea. Lorelai was likely to flip out if she got on the phone with Jess. "Do you suddenly have a burning desire to go deaf?"  
  
"Just make up something to get her on the phone. I want to talk to her." Jess' tone left no doubt in Rory that he was serious.  
  
"Fine. It's your ear," Rory relented.  
  
The tinny echo of Rory calling Lorelai as she moved through the house was audible over the line, and then Lorelai picked up the phone.  
  
"Michel, this had better be really important, like you're bleeding from the head important," Lorelai huffed.  
  
"This isn't Michel, and if you hang up on me I'll keep calling back until you agree to talk to me. Ask Rory, she knows all about how that works."  
  
"This better not be who I think it is," Lorelai growled.  
  
"Sorry to disappoint," Jess said glibly, "but then, I always did sort of disappoint you didn't I."  
  
Lorelai ground her teeth together. "What do you want, Jess?"  
  
Jess took a deep breath and let it out before answering. "I want you to know that asking Rory to come to California was not my idea. If she'd decided not to come, I'd have been good with that, but she is coming. I'm good with that, too. I did not push her either way."  
  
Shooting Rory a dark look, Lorelai motioned her daughter out of the room. "Well, Jess, I'm sure you won't be surprised if I don't believe you."  
  
"No, no surprise there. I don't care if you don't believe me. Never have. I just wanted to tell you that I never deliberately tried to hurt Rory, and I'm not doing it now."  
  
Lorelai bit back a laugh of disbelief. "Right. Is there anything else you want to say?"  
  
"No," Jess said, "that's it."  
  
"Great, then I'm going to go now, because even if Rory's decided to give you another chance, I haven't." Lorelai pulled the phone from her ear so she didn't have to hear Jess' reply, and handed the phone back to Rory who hadn't strayed far.  
  
"Well, that was pointless," Jess grumbled when Rory greeted him again.  
  
Rory took the phone into her room and shut the door. "She might have forgiven me and Luke, but Mom's made it pretty clear that she still doesn't like you. I tried to tell you that," she reminded him.  
  
Jess laughed, "Well, I don't listen. You should have remembered that."  
  
"I will for next time," Rory told him. "Anyway, I was thinking . . . about going to California, you never said when."  
  
"Jimmy never gave me a time frame when he talked to me about it. I'll have to ask him about it, but did you have a time in mind?" Jess asked.  
  
Rory thought for a minute. "Um, what about the first part of August?" That gave her over a month to truly get ready to face Jess again, and it was also close enough to the start of the next school year that if things were really awful she could throw herself into her studies and not have weeks to be upset with nothing to do but cry.  
  
"Whatever you want. You're the one who has to travel. I'll see what Jimmy thinks, and we'll get it figured out."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"I should probably go back in and get Lily out of the cabinet. She loses track of time when she's in there, and she'll forget to eat."  
  
"Can't have that," Rory said. "So, you talk to Jimmy, and let me know what's going on next week."  
  
"Sounds good. Ah . . . Rory?" Jess asked softly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm glad you're coming out here."  
  
Rory's heart fluttered in her chest at Jess' sincere tone. "Me too," she said just as softly.  
  
Jess seemed to grow embarrassed and cleared his throat roughly. "I'll talk to you next week. Good night, Rory."  
  
"Good night, Jess." Rory turned off the phone and smiled to herself. She was sure what would happen in California, but now she was definitely sure she'd made the right decision about going.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: Send me a review and let me know what you thought. I really enjoy reading what you have to say about the story. Coming up in Chapter 11: California, here we come! 


	11. Chapter 11

Author's Notes: To everyone who noticed the upload mix-up: Thanks for checking back! To everyone who didn't: It was weird, it's fixed, don't worry about it. If you missed the chapter entirely and got here because you noticed chapter 12 up, glad you found this!  
  
That said, here's Chapter 11! (I hope)  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than the plot and a few original characters. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but the only thing I'm borrowing from Season 4 is Rory's haircut. Any other similarities are purely coincidence. Chapter titles come from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I do not own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter 11: I Will Recognize Your Face  
  
Friday, August 13, 2004  
  
Jess sighed and slouched further down in the chair he was sitting in. He tossed the battered book he wasn't reading onto the table in front of him and tilted his head back, closing his eyes against the glare of the sun. The sound of footsteps behind him caused him to reluctantly crack open an eye and squint up at the person standing over him.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Jimmy asked. "I gave you the day off so you could get things ready for Rory."  
  
"I've already cleaned every inch of the apartment three times," Jess said as he closed his eyes again. "I could clean it again, but it think that would start taking the finish off the sink."  
  
Jimmy untied his apron and straddled the chair next to Jess. He looked up at the sun beating down from overhead. "That still doesn't explain why you're here. It'd be cooler waiting at home."  
  
Jess sighed again. "I need a distraction. I'm afraid if I stay at home alone I'll throw up again."  
  
"When did you throw up?" Jimmy wanted to know. Concerned, he reached out and laid a hand on Jess' forehead. "You feel warm."  
  
"Of course I feel warm," Jess growled, batting Jimmy's hand away. "It's almost ninety degrees out here. I threw up this morning after I picked up Henry's car. I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my life."  
  
"I'm sure it'll be fine," Jimmy said unconvincingly. "What time does Rory get in?"  
  
"Four-fifteen."  
  
"Jess, you can't sit out here for four hours. Go home, and try to relax."  
  
Jess snorted, "Easy for you to say. You're not the one sitting around thinking of all the things that could happen this week. Besides, Diego and Warren are hammering out the fender on a Porsche. It sounds like a tone deaf marching band got lost down there."  
  
"Then go over to the house," Jimmy suggested. "I'm sure Sasha and Lily can distract you."  
  
"All Lily can talk about is how excited she is that Rory's coming," Jess reminded the older man. "And Sasha keeps asking me if I'm all right and if I need her to teach me some deep breathing techniques."  
  
Jimmy shrugged, "Might not be a bad idea. Or not," he added quickly as Jess rolled his head and gave Jimmy and incredibly dark look. "I haven't seen you get this worked up over something since you first got here. What is it about this girl that twists you into knots?"  
  
Jess blinked slowly, contemplating on whether or not to answer the question. He decided that there wasn't any thing he could say that would be as believable as the truth. "She made me care." He tipped his head back again to avoid looking at Jimmy as he continued. I'd pretty much stopped caring about anything when I was living with Liz. Then I get plopped down in the middle of damn Mayberry, and out of nowhere there's this beautiful intelligent girl who actually treats me like a person and not a pain in the ass, and it suddenly matters again what someone thinks of me. And that started to scare the shit out of me, and I didn't know what to do about it. That's how I ended up here, but . . ."  
  
"It still matters what she thinks," Jimmy said quietly.  
  
"Yeah," Jess agreed gruffly. "I don't wanna disappoint her again."  
  
There was nothing Jimmy could say to that. He only nodded in understanding. "Then I guess I'll just leave you here with," he reached out and smoothed the creased cover of the paperback on the table, "Charles Dickens. Just don't get heatstroke, okay?"  
  
"Chuck and I will stay hydrated," Jess promised glibly. He shut his eyes again as Jimmy left him alone, letting the sun war his face once more. Absentmindedly, he reached out and stroked the spine of the book on the table, remembering when things were easier. When it didn't matter what anyone thought of him. When all he needed was his own approval. When Dodger was just another character in a story.  
  
**********  
  
"There," Rory said with finality as she tugged the zipper on her suitcase all the way closed and clicked the little lock into place. She brushed her hands off and sat on the edge of the bed next to the bulging case. "All packed."  
  
"And you didn't even need me to sit on it," Lane said from her perch in the chair in Rory's room. "So, why am I here again?" she asked.  
  
"Because I freaked out this morning, and I needed you to talk me down," Rory reminded her.  
  
Lane nodded, "Right, right. You know, in hindsight, yesterday's three hour 'songs with California in the title' medley might not have been a good idea."  
  
"No," Rory shook her head, "that was fun. I think it was when Luke told me to say hi to Jess for him when I ran in for coffee this morning that set me off." She flopped back on the bed and groaned. "Why did I think this was a good idea?"  
  
"Are you going to be sick again?" Lane asked, concerned for her friend.  
  
"I don't think there's anything left in my stomach even if I were. I've never been so nervous it made me sick before, and I know I've said it a dozen times already, but thanks for the hair holding."  
  
Lane waved off the comment. "Just returning the favor from my night of drunken revelations." She suddenly sat up straight, "Oh, did you know want to be reminded of that night? Was that a completely heartless thing to say?"  
  
Rory sat up too, "It's fine. That was a long time ago, and Jess and I have talked about it. That's like fourth on the list of stuff I'm worried about right now."  
  
"You have a list of stuff to worry about?" Lane leaned forward, eager for Rory to explain.  
  
"I always have a list," Rory sighed. "In order of importance: what if Yale's changed me too much, and Jess thinks I'm a snob; what if Jess has changed too much, and once we're in the same room together we have absolutely nothing in common anymore; what if his family hates me once they get to know me; what if we end up getting into another argument about the way he left."  
  
"That's quite the impressive list of worries to fit into a day," Lane told her.  
  
"I'm nothing if not an overachiever."  
  
"What time do you leave?"  
  
Rory looked at the clock. "I've got to leave for the airport in two hours. Mom should be home soon to take me."  
  
Lane sighed, "I wish I could come with you, but I promised Mama that I'd help her with inventory. Actually, I should probably go home now. You gonna be okay?" she asked, standing up."  
  
"Yeah, I think so." Rory stood and gave Lane and hug. "Thanks for coming over."  
  
"No problem. You'd do the same for me," Lane said. "Now, be safe, have fun, and if you see Brad Pitt try and get me a lock of hair."  
  
Rory laughed, "One for you and one for Mom. I'll see you when I get home." She gave Lane one last hug and held a smile firmly in place until the other girl had disappeared down the driveway. Then Rory promptly marched back to her room, curled up on the bed, and started worrying about her number one worry, the one she'd left off her list. What if once she say Jess again it became impossible to ignore the possibility that she was still in love with him?  
  
**********  
  
It didn't take Jess very long to locate the place Rory would have to come through when she got off the plane despite he never having been in an airport before. He chose a spot along the wall opposite the security gate where he could see everyone coming through but still remain somewhat hidden in the crowd. All of the arrival/departure monitors festooning the airport indicated that Rory's flight was on-time, and if that remained true, Jess had about ten minutes to kill. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and slouched against the wall, surveying the people around him. Among other things, there were people leaving or arriving on business trips, families on vacation, tearful good-byes between couples, and even more tearful reunions. Jess wished he were there for any one of those reasons; then he would know what to expect. But no, he was there to meet a girl he hadn't seen in over a year, a girl whose heart he'd trampled. He highly doubted he'd be on the receiving end of a tearful hug no matter how much he wanted to be. He could only admit to himself that he wanted nothing more than to sweep Rory up when she appeared, but the state of their relationship, no matter how friendly on the phone, was too uncertain for that to be a possibility. Sighing and kicking a heel against the wall behind him, Jess hoped that he would at least get more than the stiff handshakes exchanged between arriving business people and their rides.  
  
Jess didn't realize how long he'd been lost in thought until a young girl's squeal of 'Daddy!' brought his attention back to the arrival gate. People were beginning to trickle through it at an increasing rate. A quick glance confirmed that Rory's flight had landed and these entering people were likely the first off of her plane. Straightening up, Jess watched the gate carefully. A few moments later Rory appeared, glancing around uncertainly. When her eyes passed in his direction, he raised a hand. His eyes locked with hers, and Jess drew a shaky breath when she smiled timidly, shifter her backpack, and began winding her way through the thickening crowd toward him. It was the moment they'd both been dreading and anticipating all day.  
  
Rory stopped a few feet in front of him. "Hi," she said, forcing her earlier timid smile into a larger friendly one. She kept her hands wound tight around the shoulder straps of her backpack where they curved over her chest. The urge to touch him was too strong, and she wasn't sure how he would react if she tried.  
  
"Hey," Jess returned, keeping his hands tucked firmly in his pockets for the same reasons that were running silently through Rory's head. "How was your flight?"  
  
"Good," she nodded. She took a quick look around and became increasingly aware of the amount of hugging going on around them. Snapping her attention back to Jess, she asked, "Did you have any problems finding the gate?"  
  
Jess shook his head. "Nope."  
  
"Good," Rory repeated. Jess' eyes were heavy on her, and she couldn't help but fidget. She tucked her hair behind her ears even though it wasn't in any danger of falling into her face.  
  
Rory's action brought Jess' attention to her face, and he allowed himself to really look at her for the first time in over a year. She looked almost exactly like he remembered, but there were some small changes he could see if he looked hard enough. The nervous fidgeting was an old habit, as was her trying to avoid his eyes directly, but she was holding herself a little more confidently than she used to, standing tall with her shoulders back. She wasn't trying to completely curl in and make herself less noticeable. Her hands came up to smooth a stray lock that wasn't straying at all, and Jess realized that it was his turn to speak again.  
  
"You cut you hair," he said eventually as he watched the shorter strands brush softly against her cheek.  
  
"You've been letting yours grow," she returned and smiled as he tried to reorder the unruly mop of thick dark waves that covered the tops of his ears and fell over his forehead. When he scowled at her mirth, she reached up and smoothed his cowlick herself.  
  
They both shivered at her touch. Rory finally looked directly into his eyes for the first time since he'd caught her attention, and Jess found himself leaning closer to her. He pushed away from the wall and moved toward her, coming within a few inches of her. Rory's head tipped to the side the way it always did before he kissed her. He got close enough to feel her breath on his cheek, and she his, before they realized what was going on and jumped back from each other.  
  
"So, baggage claim?" Rory asked quickly, dropping Jess' gaze and glancing around like a frightened rabbit.  
  
"Yeah," Jess agreed, grateful for the not-so-subtle distraction. "It's this way."  
  
The pair moved silently through the airport and collected Rory's bag with surprisingly little difficulty. Jess than led Rory outside and through the maze of the parking lot. She stopped up short next to him when he paused next to his transportation for the day.  
  
"When did you get a car?" she asked, surprised that he hadn't mentioned buying one.  
  
Jess reached out and ran a finger over the peeling paint on the trunk. "This morning. I borrowed it from my boss at the bookstore."  
  
"Oh," Rory said quietly. She was watching Jess' fingers move gently over the edge of the car. He used to touch her like that. The memory made her stomach clench and her face flush hotly. She jumped slightly when Jess spoke again.  
  
"So, how've you been?" he asked, digging in his back pocket for the car keys.  
  
"Good. You?" Rory asked back as she nervously shifted from foot to foot.  
  
"Fine," Jess told her. He popped the trunk over and helped Rory heft her suitcase into the car. "It occurs to me now that we both already know how we've been."  
  
Rory breathed a laugh. "Yeah, we do. But this is kind of . . ."  
  
"Weird," Jess finished. "That hadn't gone unnoticed, trust me."  
  
"How do we get to not weird?" Rory asked.  
  
Jess shrugged, "I have no idea. Maybe if we were around another person?"  
  
"The airport is full of people, Jess. It was still weird," Rory reminded him. She noticed how neither one of them mentioned the near kiss that had made it even weirder.  
  
"I meant someone else we could both talk to that would take the pressure off of us having to talk to each other right now," Jess explained.  
  
"Oh." Rory nodded, "So where do we find this other person?"  
  
"I was thinking that Lily'd be a good distraction."  
  
Rory brightened, "Great! Where is she?"  
  
Jess dropped his head and sighed again. He tilted his head and looked at Rory through the wave of hair that fell over his forehead again. "She's at least an hour's drive away. Probably longer with traffic picking up like it's going to."  
  
"Uh-huh." Rory's eyes darted between Jess and the car. The car they'd have to spend at least an hour in . . . alone.  
  
"If I'd been thinking, I would have brought her with me," Jess admitted.  
  
Rory only nodded mutely. It would have been nice to have a buffer between the two of them right now, but she was also glad that Jess hadn't thought to bring Lily along. The first moments of her reunion with Jess, awkward as they were, were moments she'd been dreaming about for weeks. She wouldn't have wanted anyone else encroaching on them, no matter how good Lily's presence would have felt afterwards.  
  
"It's okay," Rory finally said. She warily eyed the rusting car again. "The radio in this thing works, right?"  
  
Jess managed a weak smile. "It works. It's stuck on AM, but it works."  
  
"Okay, than," Rory said firmly. "Start it up, and public radio can be our third person."  
  
Unlocking the driver's door, Jess slid into the care and reached across the seat to unlock the other door for Rory. As she settled herself, he started the car. "If we're really lucky," he told her sarcastically, "Dr. Laura will be on."  
  
Rory looked at him with raised eyebrows for a long moment and then burst into full-throated laughter. Jess grinned back at her and started laughing himself. Maybe the drive wouldn't be so bad after all.  
  
**********  
  
Almost three hours later, Rory was following Jess to Jimmy and Sasha's front gate. The drive hadn't taken as long as either of them had feared it might when they saw the amount of traffic starting to clog the roads, but even if it had, they probably wouldn't have minded. Once they'd gotten on the road, Rory and Jess had both calmed down, and their conversation had fallen into the easy patter of their phone calls. They talked about Jess' jobs, how Luke and the diner were, and what Rory was doing to prepare for the new school year. They may have all been things that they'd talked about before, but the important thing was that they were comfortable around each other. But now, Rory's comfort level was starting to dwindle as she prepared to meet Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily.  
  
Jess unlatched the gate but paused before pushing it open. He looked over his shoulder at Rory, "The dogs are mostly friendly, but the basset hound's a drooler."  
  
"How many dogs are there?" Rory asked, trying to peer over Jess' shoulder.  
  
"Usually about ten or so," Jess shrugged. "They don't bite; you don't have to worry about them. Lily's out with them all the time, and she's never gotten hurt."  
  
"It's not really the dogs I'm worried about," Rory mumbled, looking down.  
  
Jess let go of the gate and turned around to face her. "Is this about the bed thing in the apartment? 'Cause I told you that I don't mind sleeping on the couch. It's a hell of a lot more comfortable than that air mattress I slept on for a while at Luke's." He angled his head so her could see her face. "And I can promise again that I'm not going to pounce on you in the middle of the night, if it'll make you feel better."  
  
Rory pushed playfully at his shoulder. "I'm not worried about that either. What if they don't like me?" she asked, flicking her eyes toward the house.  
  
"Who?" Jess asked with raised eyebrows. "Jimmy, Sasha, and Lily? Why wouldn't they like you, Rory? I mean, you're a lot more likable than I am, and for some reason they all think I'm great. You're pretty much guaranteed liking."  
  
Shrugging noncommittally, Rory motioned for Jess to open the gate and followed him through. Ecstatic barking greeting them on the other side, but before any of the dogs had a chance to jump up on Rory, the door to the house flew open, and a small blonde blur burst into the yard. The blur squealed and wrapped itself around Rory, forcing her to take a step back.  
  
Rory looked helplessly at Jess, but he was only grinning at her. "See? You're liked," he laughed. "Hey, Lily, let go before you crush internal organs."  
  
Lily let go of Rory and stepped back, still bouncing in excitement. "Hi, Rory! You're here!"  
  
"Hi, Lily. It's nice to finally meet you," Rory said, joining Jess' laughter as Lily grabbed her hand and pulled her into the house.  
  
"They're here!" Lily announced to Jimmy and Sasha who were waiting in the kitchen.  
  
Jess followed them in and shut the door. "I think the entire neighborhood knows we're here the way you plowed outside. Well, this is Rory. Rory, this is Jimmy and Sasha," he said, gesturing between the three of them.  
  
Jimmy and Sasha rose and each shook Rory's hand. Rory offered a smile to each of them and allowed herself to be steered into the living room. She sat in one corner of the couch, Lily scrambling to sit next to her, and Jess sat on the other side of Lily. Sasha sat in the nearby chair, and Jimmy perched on its arm. Rory had a fleeting feeling of being on trial but pushed through it. She cleared her throat and addressed Jimmy.  
  
"I just want to thank you again for the ticket," she told him. "It was a really nice gesture, and I really appreciate it."  
  
"Don't mention it," Jimmy shrugged. "It was the least I could do. I just wish that Jess would let me do more for him."  
  
Jess shot the other man a sour look. "I told you that you don't have to give me stuff. You don't' have anything to make up for."  
  
"Guys," Sasha said sternly, "let's not have this fight in front of Rory, okay?" Turning to Rory, she asked, "Was your flight okay? You didn't have any problems?"  
  
Rory shook her head, "No. It was fine. Well, the food was bad, but that's to be expected. Luke gave me cookies before I left, so I had those." She looked over at Jess, "I saved you one in my carry-on."  
  
"You had a cookie, and you didn't eat it?" Jess asked with mock surprise. "I am shocked, I tell you. Simply shocked!"  
  
Sasha groaned before Rory could reply. "God, you must be starving! I should have offered you something when you came it. Or, we haven't really eaten either . . . we could order in something. How do you feel about Indian food?"  
  
"NO!" Jess and Jimmy cried out at the same time.  
  
"Okay," Sasha drawled, "be big babies about the smell again. Is pizza all right?"  
  
"Sure, whatever you want," Rory said.  
  
"Are you sure? You're the guest here."  
  
Jess laughed, "Sasha, chill. Rory'll eat just about anything that's not a vegetable." When Rory nodded in agreement, Jess motioned for Sasha to find the phone. "Go. Order. I wanna show Rory something."  
  
Sasha sighed and shook her head. "You two are exactly alike," she told Jimmy as she stood and went into the kitchen to track down the pizza menu. Jimmy and Jess shared a look, and the older man also went into the kitchen.  
  
"Come look at this," Jess told Rory, getting to his feet and crossing the room to a doorway. He disappeared through it, leaving Rory little choice but to follow him with Lily close in her wake.  
  
When Rory drew even with the doorway, her mouth dropped open as she took in the shelves and shelves of books and records that adorned the walls. Jess was lounging in a desk chair in front of her, but she could only gape at him.  
  
"I know how you feel," he told her. "I had the same reaction . . . though it was probably scarier for me. Finally figured out where I got it from."  
  
Lily pushed her way around Rory to the large cabinet in the room. Throwing open the door, she caught Rory's attention. "This is my spot," she said proudly.  
  
Rory smiled at the girl. "I've been wondering what this looked like." Looking inside, Rory admired the types of books stacked inside. There were volumes of fairy tales, some adventure stories, and a couple of books that surprised Rory. "Is that Ethan Frome?"  
  
"Yeah. Jess and I finished it yesterday. We had this really good discussion on whether or not the pickle dish represented the Frome's marriage." Just then Sasha called for Lily from the other room. Lily pouted, "I have to go."  
  
"I'll still be here," Rory assure her and smiled again as Lily skipped out of the room. She then turned her attention to Jess. "Ethan Frome?" she asked incredulously.  
  
Jess shrugged, "Like you weren't reading it when you were her age?" He suddenly looked at Rory seriously. "Do you ever wonder why I like Lily so much?"  
  
"All the time," Rory told him. "I've seen you around other kids. You looked like you were being tortured."  
  
"Yeah. Well, the thing with Lil is that she reminds me of the two of us," Jess admitted. Off Rory's confused look, he clarified, "She's like me when I was a kid: quiet, kind of strange, not a lot of friends, likes to be alone. But sometimes she'll do or say something and I think that that's what you must have been like as a kid: smarter than she should be, reading all kinds of stuff kids her age have never heard of, and she talks about what she reads in ways that some people our age wouldn't even think of."  
  
Rory's eyes widened, and she felt herself starting to blush. She didn't know what to say to that, especially coming from Jess. "I . . . that's . . ."  
  
"And I've freaked you out in less than six hours," Jess muttered. "That's better than I thought things would go."  
  
"I'm not freaked out," Rory said quickly. "You've just never told me anything like that before, and I didn't know what to say." She moved over to where Jess was sitting and leaned against the desk. "I think it's sweet," she said softly, brushing at his hair again against her better judgment.  
  
Jess fought the urge to lean into her hand. He suddenly felt shy. "Thanks," he said roughly, pushing to his feet. "We should go see if we can help with something in the kitchen."  
  
"Yeah," Rory nodded, knowing that there probably wasn't anything for them to do. Jess jest wanted to change the subject in a more populated setting, and she didn't have a problem with that. Still, Rory couldn't help but think that she'd have to watch Lily's actions a little more closely while she was in town to see how accurate Jess really was.  
  
**********  
  
Dinner had passed quickly, but by the end of it Rory almost felt like she was back in the diner with everyone one she'd known all her life. She'd realized that Jess was right when he compared Sasha to Lorelai. The two women would probably get along very well. It was also becoming more apparent that Jimmy and Jess were very much alike, even if neither one of them was comfortable admitting it yet. Rory still wasn't sure if Jess' theory about Lily was true because the girl was too excited about finally meeting Rory, but she was sure once the younger girl calmed down it would become easier to tell if they were similar.  
  
It was after eleven when Rory gratefully followed Jess into his apartment again. She made a beeline for the bed and collapsed face first onto the dark green comforter.  
  
"Are you all right?" Jess asked amusedly, tossing his keys onto the small table next to the couch.  
  
"I'm exhausted," Rory mumbled. "My body thinks it's two in the morning."  
  
Jess perched on the arm of the couch and crossed his arms. "You could have said something earlier, you know. We didn't have to stay as long as we did. It's not like I won't take you back over there this week."  
  
Rory rolled onto her side and looked at Jess. "I was having fun. They're all really nice."  
  
"And you were worried they would like you," Jess teased.  
  
"Shut up. Oh!" Rory suddenly jumped to her feet with energy she didn't' think she had. She crossed back to the door where her bags were resting. Rummaging through the front of her backpack, she came away with a plastic bag. She turned and closed the distance to where Jess was still leaning and held out the bag toward him.  
  
He looked down. "You really did bring me a cookie," he chuckled.  
  
"I said I would," Rory shrugged. "Luke said you liked them."  
  
"I do," Jess agreed. He reached out to take the bag, and his fingers brushed against hers. It felt like an electric current shot up his arm. Rory's hand started to shake, and she jerked her hand away, leaving Jess to scramble to catch the bag before it hit the ground.  
  
"Um . . . okay . . . so, I think I'm going to go to bed," Rory stammered, rushing back over to her suitcase.  
  
Jess pushed a hand through his hair. "Yeah, good idea. You can have the bathroom first," he said, nodding toward the bathroom door. There are clean towels on the shelf behind the door."  
  
"Thanks," Rory mumbled as she skittered into the bathroom and closed the door. She leaned back against the door and took a deep breath. Reaching over, she turned on the faucet and hoped the sound of the running water would cover the sound of her trying not to cry. It was only the first day of her visit, and there'd already been three awkward physical moments. Moving to the sink, she splashed some water on her face.  
  
"Okay," Rory told her reflection, "it's just because you haven't seen each other in a long time. It doesn't mean that he still has feelings for you. Just because you want to kiss him silly, it doesn't mean you still love him. It doesn't." She gave her reflection a stern nod and started to get ready for bed, resolutely ignoring the little voice in the back of her head reminding her that everything happened for a reason.  
  
At the same time, Jess was in the other room trying to calm down. "It's just accidental," he sighed. "We're friends, and she's just being affectionate with a friend. It means nothing." He repeated that over and over to himself as he retrieved an extra blanket from the storage box under the bed and made up the couch.  
  
When Rory emerged from the bathroom in her pajamas, Jess excused himself and disappeared into the room himself. He changed into an old t-shirt form the back of his closet, even though he didn't normally sleep in a shirt. He just thought it would make Rory more comfortable, but he decided not to put on pants to cover his boxer shorts. There were something Rory was just going to have to deal with.  
  
Coming out of the bathroom, he found that Rory had already crawled into the bed and had the covers pulled up to her chin. "All set?" he asked her."  
  
"Yep," Rory yawned.  
  
"Okay. I'll get the light." Jess crossed the room and flicked the switch near the door. He checked the locks and turned around. "Good-night, Rory."  
  
"Good-night, Jess. I'll see you in the morning." Rory snuggled further into the pillow and shut her eyes.  
  
Jess watched her for a moment and then went to the couch and lay down. He was tired, but he could only stare wall. There were too many thoughts and questions racing through his head for sleep to come. He didn't know that less than ten feet away Rory was having a similar restless night.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: There it is. Sorry for any problems my wonky upload caused. Next chapter soon, I promise. 


	12. Chapter 12

Author's Notes: IMPORTANT!!!!! If there is anyone out there who still doesn't know: there was an error with the initial upload of chapter 11. It is more than just an author's note, so if you haven't read it yet, please go do so now.  
  
Okay, now that we're all caught up, this chapter is kind of long. I toyed with the idea of breaking it up, but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. So consider the extra length my holiday gift to all of you; I hope you like it.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than the plot and a few original characters. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but the only thing I'm borrowing from Season 4 is Rory's haircut. Any other similarities are purely coincidence. Chapter titles come from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I do not own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Twelve: How Could I Get So Close To You  
  
Rory woke the next morning with a jolt of momentary panic, forgetting briefly where she was. The double bed was bigger than she was used to, the sheets smelling of a different laundry detergent. There was no lingering smell of strong coffee in the air, no clucking chickens or mooing cows echoing from upstairs. There was a faint rustling of pages, a foreign sound in the early morning Gilmore household, and that was what brought everything rushing back to Rory. She wasn't at home in Stars Hollow; she was in California. She wasn't waking up to her mother banging around the kitchen; she was waking up to Jess . . . doing something.  
  
Pushing the covers off of her head, Rory looked across the room at Jess. He was sitting in the far corner of the couch, blanket wrapped around him, reading. His hair was tousled and looked like it couldn't decide if it wanted to stick up or fall into his eyes. There was a look of concentration on his face that Rory remembered from watching him read behind the diner counter, and she couldn't help but smile as he reached for a pen on the low coffee table in front of the couch to scribble something in the margin of the book. No matter what else, some things didn't change.  
  
Jess felt the prickling sensation behind his ears that had always suggested he was being watched in the past and turned his head. Rory was leaning up on an elbow staring at him with sleep glazed eyes.  
  
"Morning," he said as he closed the book and tossed it and the pen onto the table. "Sleep okay?"  
  
Rory found herself suddenly struck silent by the raspy quality of Jess' morning voice and the things it was making her feel. She only nodded in response to Jess' question.  
  
If Jess noticed her reaction, he didn't say anything about it. "You feel like breakfast yet?" he asked, rising and moving toward the refrigerator. "I don't have a whole lot, but I can scramble eggs or make French toast."  
  
"Whatever you feel like making," Rory said after a few attempts to find her voice.  
  
It was then that Jess eyed her strangely. "You're oddly agreeable this morning. You sure you're all right?"  
  
"Yeah, fine," Rory insisted weakly.  
  
"Well, when you say it like that I have no choice but to believe you," Jess chuckled, leaning against the refrigerator.  
  
Rory huffed and shifted uncomfortably under Jess' eyes. "Under the current circumstances, I am as 'all right' as I'm ever going to get."  
  
"What circumstances?" Jess asked, raising his hands to push his shaggy hair off his forehead. The action caused the slightly threadbare t-shirt he was wearing to pull across his chest and tighten around his upper arms, his stomach bared to above his navel as the hem of his shirt rose. He left his hands clasped behind his neck when he completed the sweep through his hair, arching his back in an attempt to ease the stiffness that sleeping on the couch had left in his muscles. The waistband of his boxer shorts shifted when he did that, and his hipbones were easily definable under the smooth skin of his abdomen.  
  
"THESE circumstances," Rory snapped, gesturing wildly in Jess' direction and averting her eyes. "You're over there in your underwear practically posing in front of me. How is that supposed to make me feel?"  
  
"I am not posing!" Jess hissed, but his arms dropped quickly anyway. "And if you want to talk about feelings, what about how I feel with you sitting over there?" he growled, flinging a hand in her direction.  
  
Rory's eyes widened. "I'm just sitting here!" she cried. "I'm not stretching all over the place, flexing muscles and showing off my stomach!"  
  
"No, you're just sitting in my bed looking all rumpled and heavy-lidded and like you belong there!" Jess shouted back. "And let's talk about what you're wearing!"  
  
Jess' first comment had caused Rory to slide quickly out of the bed, but his second made her wheel on him. "They're my pajamas!"  
  
"Right, pajamas," Jess snorted, eyeing her up and down. He'd barely noticed them the night before, but now he was getting more than an eyeful. The so-called pajamas were a matching pale blue tank top and shorts sprinkled with little stars and moons. They would have looked ridiculously childish if they hadn't been clinging to her so closely, outlining the curves of her body. "Did they not have them in your size, or did you pick them up in the children's department?"  
  
Rory took a couple of angry steps in Jess' direction. "What is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Rory, come on! If the shirt were any tighter you'd have trouble breathing." It was his turn to stalk closer to her. "And those shorts? I hate to break it to you, but when you go over to pick out clothes for the day and bend or crouch or whatever to get into your suitcase, I'm gonna be able to see your ass. And if the air conditioner should happen to come on while your standing near it?" His gaze drifted down to her chest, and he arched an eyebrow before looking her in the face again.  
  
If he were standing close enough, Rory would have slapped Jess. Since he was too far away, she balled her hands into fists and folded her arms securely over her chest. Tears stung at the corners of her eyes. "That was a horrible thing to say," she whispered.  
  
"Yeah, it was," Jess admitted softly, scrubbing his hands over his face. "I'm sorry. I think I'm . . . I need to go outside for a minute." He snagged his jeans off of the back of the couch where he tossed them the night before and pulled them on. His hand groped blindly at the table where he'd put his keys, but they weren't what he was after. Instead, his fingers closed over the cool metal and plastic of a lighter, and he shoved it into his front pocket. Without another glance or word to Rory, he slipped out the door and down the stairs.  
  
The door to the alley outside clicked loudly as it shut behind Jess, and Rory sighed, unwrapping her arms from around herself. She brushed away the single tear that had escaped and sank down on the edge of the bed. Things were starting to go exactly the way she feared that they might. Tense and uncomfortable, punctuated with occasional bouts of screaming. She needed to talk to someone.  
  
Searching the apartment, Rory found the phone resting in its cradle on a corner of the small kitchen counter. Picking it up, she carried it back to the couch and dialed.  
  
"Yellow?"  
  
"Hi, Mom."  
  
"Hi, daughter," Lorelai chirped. "You're alive!"  
  
"Yep. Made it safe and sound," Rory said as sunnily as she could.  
  
Lorelai sighed, "Nice to know one of us is. I tell ya, sweetie, the next time you run off to spend a week with an ex-boyfriend that no one liked, you're telling your grandma. She froze me out so fast last night I wished I'd brought my mittens."  
  
Rory laughed thinly, "I'm sorry, but I don't think that'll be a problem in the future."  
  
"Is something wrong?" Lorelai went into protective mother mode. "Did Jess try something last night? Rory, I told you I didn't think you should stay in his apartment . . ."  
  
"Mom! Relax, Jess hasn't touched me," Rory said quickly. "It's just . . . he said some stuff, I said some stuff . . . well, more like yelled, but . . ."  
  
"What kind of 'stuff?'" Lorelai wanted to know.  
  
"Just stuff," Rory said, not wanting to tell her mother the content of her fight with Jess. That would really set Lorelai off. "I don't get it. We were fine last night. He took me to meet Jimmy and Sasha, Lily's great, and Jess and I were getting along. Then when we woke up this morning, and it got all weird."  
  
"When you woke up?" Lorelai asked, amusement creeping into her voice. "That's interesting."  
  
"Mom," Rory whined, "it's not interesting. It's frustrating."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
Rory became confused, even more that she was before she called her mother. "What?"  
  
"You said it yourself, babe. It's frustrating." Lorelai heaved a sigh and addressed her daughter as calmly as she could. "As much as I don't want to believe it, Rory, you're still attracted to Jess. And it sounds like he might still be attracted to you, and you're snapping at each other because neither one of you wants to admit it. Seeing each other all sleepy and bed- heady . . . that's got to make you think of things you could do to make each other all sleepy and bed-heady."  
  
"MOM!" Rory blushed hotly and was grateful that Jess hadn't come back inside yet.  
  
"I'm not suggesting you do those things! Especially not with Jess. In fact, I'd prefer it if you waited to do those things with anyone until after I'm dead, but, as everyone has been pointing out to me with increasing frequency, whatever's between you and Jess isn't about what I want. It's about what you want." Lorelai was torn between crying and giggling, "And it sounds like you want Jess."  
  
Rory was about to launch another protest, but Jess chose that moment to return to the apartment. She looked at him with wide eyes. "Well, okay, Mom. I just wanted to let you know that I got here okay. I'll call you again before I come home. Bye!" Rory could hear Lorelai sputtering in her ear, but she clicked off the phone anyway.  
  
"You called Lorelai?" Jess asked. The scent of cigarette smoke wafted through the room as he moved toward the kitchenette.  
  
"Yeah." Rory followed Jess and replaced the phone in its charging cradle. "Is that okay?"  
  
"Fine," Jess said, turning around. He stopped up short and blinked rapidly a few times when he realized how close Rory was to him. "About before . . . I'm . . ."  
  
Rory cut him off. "Don't apologize again. We're both tense and tired. We said some stuff we shouldn't have, but it's over. Forget about it."  
  
Jess laughed, "Yeah, sure, forget about it until it happens again tomorrow."  
  
"What makes you think it's going to happen again?" Rory asked with a nervous quaver in her voice.  
  
"It's not like I want to get into screaming matches with you," Jess said, "but you scare me, Rory."  
  
"I scare you?" Rory asked, not believing her ears. She reached out toward Jess, fingers brushing against his forearm. "How do I scare you?"  
  
He jumped back from her touch like he'd been burned. "That. That right there. You touching me. That's scary."  
  
"Why?" Rory's voice trembled again.  
  
"Jeez, don't cry. I want you to touch me, I really do. It's scary because I want to touch you back."  
  
"You can, you know." Rory tentatively moved closer to Jess.  
  
"No, actually I didn't."  
  
"Well, now you do."  
  
He swallowed thickly and smiled softly. "You realize that if there were someone listening to us right now, this conversation would sound kind of dirty."  
  
Rory blushed and laughed a little. "It probably would." She became serious again after a few moments, and she watched Jess watching her. He was still smiling gently, but his eyes were guarded and unsure. Biting her lip, Rory impulsively rushed forward and wrapped her arms around Jess' chest. He smelled familiar, like cigarette smoke, fabric softener, and hair gel. She pressed her cheek to his shoulder and tightened her grip on him.  
  
Jess stood motionless as Rory pressed closer to him. He looked down at the top of her head and sighed with a mixture of trepidation and joy. Slowly, his arms came up and wrapped around her shoulders. Dropping his head, he let his cheek rest lightly on the crown of her head and relished in the feel of her in his arms again. He held her close for a few silent moments, and then reluctantly pushed her away gently.  
  
Rory looked up at him, and the blush that hadn't quite left her cheeks deepened. "Um . . . I should probably shower and get dressed."  
  
"You do that," Jess agreed, "and I'll scramble eggs. Okay?"  
  
"Sure." Rory went back to the bed and her suitcase lying next to it. She fidgeted next to the case until Jess started to laugh.  
  
"I won't watch you bend over," he told her. Turning, he yanked open the refrigerator and rifled around inside of it. He didn't straighten up until he heard the bathroom door close and the water start running. Then he bolted for the phone.  
  
"Luke's."  
  
"Help me!"  
  
"Jess?"  
  
"This is going to be a disaster, Luke!"  
  
"What? Having Rory there?" Luke asked.  
  
"Yes, having Rory here," Jess hissed. He gave a nervous glance toward the bathroom door. "I can't do this!"  
  
Luke snorted, "Little late for that, isn't it?"  
  
Jess started pacing the kitchen in small circles. "Luke, you're not here. You have no idea . . ."  
  
"So, tell me," Luke said. "I can serve and listen. Kirk, duck." Kirk's startled yelp echoed over the phone.  
  
"Luke, she's . . . she's here, and everybody loves her, and she's sleeping in my bed . . . God, she's sleeping in my bed in these little pajamas, and . . ."  
  
"Jess, please tell my you aren't trying anything stupid I'm going to have come out there and beat you for," Luke interrupted sternly.  
  
"NO!" Jess yelled, then looked sharply behind him as the water in the bathroom shut off. He dropped his voice before continuing. "I haven't done anything . . . well, maybe I let my shirt ride up to make her uncomfortable, but she was sitting in my bed wearing a tank top I could practically see through. I felt justified." He broke off to take a breath.  
  
Luke thought Jess was done and was about to respond when the younger man rallied.  
  
"And she keeps touching me!" Jess practically whimpered. "She keeps brushing at my hair and touching my arm. And now there's hugging!"  
  
"I wish I could see your face right now," Luke laughed. "I've never seen you freak out."  
  
The sound of a hairdryer whirring to life came from the bathroom, making Jess jump. He continued to talk but also hustled around the small space of the kitchen to make something that at least resembled breakfast. "Luke, this is not funny. She's hugging me, and it's meant to be friendly, I know it is, but when she's pressed up against me the last thing I'm thinking about is being her friend."  
  
"Jess, you've got to relax. She just got there; you've got to get used to each other again. Let her dictate the physical stuff if it's making you nervous. Just figure that any way she touches you is okay for you to touch her. Rory's not going to let you do something she doesn't want you to do, and I think you have more control than you're giving yourself credit for. Just calm down and let things happen."  
  
"That's what I'm worried about. Things happening," Jess grumbled.  
  
Luke cleared his throat roughly. "Do you want things to happen?"  
  
"No . . . I don't know . . . maybe."  
  
"So, that's a yes, then?"  
  
"No, it's a maybe." Jess would have said more, but the hairdryer shut off in the bathroom. "Luke, I gotta go."  
  
"Okay. Jess, just remember to relax. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. You and Rory are adults; you're capable of handling this. And remember, you can call me anytime," Luke reminded his nephew.  
  
"Yeah, I know," Jess sighed. "I really have to go. Rory's coming, and I've got slightly charred eggs on the stove."  
  
"I don't even want to know you're doing," Luke laughed. "Bye, Jess."  
  
"Bye," Jess said hurriedly and turned the phone off as the bathroom doorknob started to rattle. In one move, he replaced the phone and pulled a couple of plates out of the cabinet over the phone base. By the time Rory emerged brushed and dressed from the bathroom. Jess was standing next to the stove with two plates of sad looking scrambled eggs in his hands.  
  
Rory gave him a tentative smile and took one of the plates. Looking around, she realized for the first time that there was no dining table in the apartment. Jess cracked a lopsided grin at her bewildered look and led her to the low coffee table in front of the couch. Sitting on the floor on one side of the table, Jess waved Rory to the other. When she sat across from him, he smiled again and dug into his plate. Rory watched him eat for a minute and then started on her own breakfast. Neither one of the them had said a word to each other since she had come out of the bathroom. They continued not to speak all through breakfast, choosing instead to let the unasked question of what exactly was happening between them to remain unasked for the time being.  
  
********  
  
The week passed quickly, the long and awkward first morning notwithstanding. That first full day, Saturday, Jess showed Rory around Venice, taking her to the bookstore and Jimmy's stand as well as the music shops he frequented and his own secret little hiding spots. Sunday was spent around Jimmy and Sasha's house. Lily and Rory shared Jess stories, much to his embarrassment. He retaliated later in the day by turning the hose on them while they whispered in the corner of the yard, which rapidly turned into an all out water fight that left the three of them in a giggling, gasping heap in the yard.  
  
Monday morning Rory learned what Jess meant when he said that living over the body shop was a little loud. The sound of grinding metal jolted her awake so violently that she actually fell out of the bed. Jess laughed at her mercilessly only stopping when she looked as though she were about to cry. He rushed to her side, apologizing profusely and checking for bruises. He promised to do what ever she wanted that day, and that was when she burst into laughter of her own and informed him that she wanted to spend the day at the beach. He sputtered and tried to backpedal his way out of it, but Rory wouldn't have it. She forced him onto the sand and informed him that he would have a good time or die trying. That nearly came true when Jimmy joined them in the late afternoon and offered to teach them to surf. After ten minutes, Jess sucked in a lung-full of water and spent the rest of the day sulking on the sand while Rory made attempt after attempt to get up on the board, never succeeding but grinning from ear to ear the entire time anyway. She fell into a dead sleep early that night, and it was only then that Jess admitted to her that he'd had fun that day.  
  
Jess borrowed another car, from Lee this time, on Tuesday and drove Rory into L.A. so that she could shop and play annoying tourist. He grudgingly took her picture with her hands in Marilyn's handprints. She begged until he drove her through Bel-Air and along Rodeo Drive where he laughed at her insistence that she'd seen Catherine Zeta-Jones shopping. They drove silently through the hills and along the coast, radio off and windows open. Rory reached over then and placed her hand over Jess' on the gearshift, tracing the muscles and bones in his wrist as he shifted through the curves in the road. She didn't pull away until they reached the city again and needed to return the car. Taking a cue from Luke's advice earlier in the week, Jess reached out while they were walking back to the apartment and twined his fingers with Rory's. They stayed in that night, curling up on opposite ends of the couch with books Hours later, Jess looked up from his book to realize that Rory had crept across the couch and was leaning against his shoulder. When she noticed that she had his attention she slipped a hand through his hair, kissed him on the cheek, and then disappeared into the bathroom. He fell asleep with a smile on his face, and Rory remained awake long after him, just watching him sleep from across the room.  
  
Rory followed Jess to work a shift at the bookstore on Wednesday. She wandered the shelves and dark corners of the store while Jess was at the counter. Sasha and Lily came to take her to lunch, and the three of them shopped and laughed along the boardwalk during the afternoon. It was on that day that Rory realized that Jess' assertion that she and Lily were alike was true. Rory saw so much of herself, and of Jess, in the little girl that it brought unbidden thoughts of what it would be like to have children with Jess. The thoughts scared her so much that she was unnaturally silent that night, and Jess became concerned though he didn't say anything.  
  
That concern lingered into Thursday night while he and Rory watched Lily.  
  
**********  
  
Jess set the last plate to dry in the rack and turned back around to face the table. Lily and Rory were sitting, heads bent together, reading a copy of 'Dubliners' that Lily had found in Jimmy's office. They were discussing each of the short stories as they finished them, and Jess had been offering comments from where he was standing at the sink. Now that he was finished, he moved to join them at the table. Wrapping up a discussion on the meaning of light in 'Araby' that Lily was really getting into, Jess nudged the little girl's shoulder.  
  
"Hey, you. I know you're having fun," Jess said, "but your mom'll kick both our butts if your room isn't clean by the time she gets home."  
  
"Jess," Lily whined, dragging his name out to three syllables.  
  
He held up his hands, "Sorry, Lil, but I don't make the rules. I just vaguely enforce them."  
  
"But this is Rory's last night here," Lily said petulantly. "It's the last time I'll get to see her before she goes home."  
  
Rory smiled at Lily and laid a hand on hers. "I don't leave until the afternoon. What if Jess and I come back over in the morning, and we can spend a little more time together then?"  
  
Lily looked back and forth between Jess and Rory. "You'll do that?"  
  
"Sure," Jess nodded. "But that means you have to go clean now."  
  
"Okay," Lily sighed, but she got up and disappeared to her room without anymore complaining.  
  
"Thanks for that," Jess said, turning back to Rory after Lily was gone. "I tend to cave when she pouts."  
  
"Luke was the same way when I was little," Rory said without thinking. Seconds later, she replayed the comment in her head and felt herself go pale when it made her think about watching Lily yesterday and wondering what it would be like if she and Jess . . . well, that was a thought she wasn't going to finish again.  
  
Jess noticed the change in Rory's body language, the way she stiffened up and her smile faltered, and decided that it was time to call her on it. "What's the matter?"  
  
"Nothing's the matter," Rory said, looking over at Jess with wide eyes. "What makes you think something's the matter?"  
  
"You just look like something is bothering you. You're all stiff, and you look like you're gonna pass out," he said. "You have since last night."  
  
"I have not," she protested. "I'm fine."  
  
"I'm not blind Rory. Something is going on. We've been having a good time this week, not counting that first morning, but now you're all jumpy. I'd blame it on caffeine, but it's you, so . . ."  
  
She pushed away from the table, going to the refrigerator and looking over the snapshots and drawings she'd already seen at least three times during the past week. "It's nothing, Jess."  
  
"Bullshit," he snapped, swinging his feet up onto her empty chair. "Just tell me. If it's something I did or didn't do, I think I deserve to know. Yell at me again if you have to, just stop with this stiff silent thing you've got going on."  
  
Rory spun around and glared at Jess. "You want to know? Fine. You were right. Happy now?"  
  
His brow furrowed in confusion. "You're freaking out because I was right about something? That's . . . really weird. What could I possibly have been right about that's got you this uptight? It's not like I've been foretelling the end of the world or Republican re-election all week."  
  
"You were right about Lily," Rory said softly, crossing her arms and leaning back against the refrigerator door. "She is just like you . . . and like me."  
  
Jess shrugged, "Still not seeing the problem."  
  
"Lily is like parts of your personality and parts of my personality all balled up into this other person, and it sort of made me think about what it would be like if you and I . . . if we were . . . if we had . . ."  
  
Realization spread slowly across Jess' features. His feet dropped loudly back to the floor, and he leaned forward, elbows on his knees. "Oh," he breathed. "Okay, then." He looked up at her, "Had you ever thought about that before?"  
  
"Maybe once or twice," Rory admitted. She crossed her arms tighter, fingers twisting into the sides of her shirt to stop herself from reaching out and brushing the hair out of Jess' eyes. The silence of the room became oppressive as she stood there watching the top of his head. "Say something," she pleaded.  
  
"I'm thinking," he mumbled more to himself that to her. Jess pushed to his feet but stayed next to the table. "Why?" he asked eventually.  
  
Rory sighed and turned her head to avoid his searching eyes. "It's just a thing that some girls think about. You know, when they're in love."  
  
Jess' breath shuddered a little. "Uh-huh. So, that would explain why you might have thought about it before . . . when you might have been in love with me. But you're still thinking about it now."  
  
The unaskable question, the one they'd been skirting all week, could no longer be ignored. Taking a deep breath and gathering his courage, Jess moved to stand in front of Rory. She twisted to keep avoiding his gaze, but he just shifted with her until she had no choice but to look at him. His dark stare bored into her light eyes, and he saw her shiver. Jess stepped closer to her, only a few inches separating them. He placed a hand flat on the door next to her shoulder. Rory made a soft noise in her throat as he leaned closer still.  
  
"If you're still thinking about it now," Jess whispered, "does that mean you still might be in love with me?"  
  
Her hand shaking, Rory reached up and smoothed the hair out of his eyes, tucking it behind his ear, and leaving her palm pressed to his cheek. "I might be," she whispered back.  
  
Jess nodded slowly, and brought his other hand up to rest against the cool metal of the refrigerator door on Rory's other side. He leaned forward, brushing his lips against her cheek. Rory whimpered in the back of her throat again as her hand slipped from Jess' cheek to rest against his chest. His heart beat frantically under her palm. Her head turned to chase his mouth as it brushed over her cheek again, but just as their lips were about to meet, a loud crash and a shriek came from Lily's bedroom.  
  
Rory's head jerked back, and Jess' swung wildly in the direction of the doorway. "What was that?" Rory asked breathlessly.  
  
"Lily," Jess said, voice full of concern. He backed away from Rory and the refrigerator, preparing to rush to Lily's room when the girl screamed again. This time it was clear what she was crying about. Jess groaned and shoved his hands through his hair. He gave Rory an apologetic look and took off in Lily's direction, much slower than he had just been prepared to go.  
  
Rory shook herself and followed Jess a few moments later. She caught up with him just as he was about to push open Lily's bedroom door. Lily shrieked again, and Rory winced at how loud it was now that they were just outside the door.  
  
Looking at Rory again, seeing her eyes bright and swirling with emotion, Jess sighed over the lost moment in the kitchen. Lily's continued screaming brought his attention back to the task at hand. "This better be a damn big spider."  
  
**********  
  
It was close to nine o'clock when Jess and Rory were finally able to walk back to his apartment in the dusk of the late summer night. What Lily had been proclaiming a 'giant mutant spider' had, in actuality, been the size of a nickel. Still, her arachnophobia ran deep, as it does in many young girls, and she'd been adamant that Jess stay with her while she finished straightening up her room. Rory had joined them only because she was at a loss as to what else to do. Sasha had come in later than usual, Jimmy in tow. The two of them had kept Jess and Rory busy with questions about Rory's departure and what time they were planning on returning to the house in the morning for proper good-byes. This string of interruptions had kept the younger couple from saying even one word to each other about what had almost transpired in the kitchen, and they were both tense and expectant as they walked the short distance to Jess' home in the cooling evening air.  
  
Jess pushed open the apartment door and let Rory go through first. She moved to the side and remained pressed to the wall near the light switch. He continued into the room without noticing that she was staying against the wall. Jess dropped his keys in their customary place on the side table and dropped onto the corner of the couch at the same time. His head fell against the back of the couch, and he sighed heavily.  
  
"So, that's Thursdays with Lily. For someone who has whole passages of 'Charlotte's Web' memorized, she really panics around spiders. I've never seen her that bad before," Jess said.  
  
Rory hummed in agreement but stayed near the door.  
  
Jess looked up when he heard how far away Rory's response was. "What are you doing way over there?" he asked when he noticed her stationed near the door. "Is the wall in eminent danger of falling down, and you have to hold it up?"  
  
"No," Rory said softly, a giggle slipping out after her response.  
  
He grinned at her. "Then why are you trying to become one with the wall?"  
  
She just shrugged. "I like it over here."  
  
"Because it's such a comfy spot." Jess regarded her silently for a few long moments. She was slouching slightly, and her arms were folded across her stomach, hands balled up in tight fists. "You're freaked out about earlier, in the kitchen," he concluded.  
  
"Shouldn't I be?" Rory asked. "I mean, I said . . . I practically admitted that I . . ."  
  
"I was there," Jess reminded her. "I remember what you said."  
  
"Right," Rory nodded, "so you can understand why I might be a little bit embarrassed about it, and about what almost happened after it."  
  
Jess got to his feet. "Why? There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Rory. It was a moment, you and I both felt it, and it happened." He watched her continue to fidget uncomfortably. "Jeez, just come over here, would you?"  
  
Rory moved marginally away from the wall but stopped half way to Jess. "Why?" she suddenly asked skeptically.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to bite you. Just come over here and hug me, so I can prove to you that what happened earlier doesn't have to change anything and that there's nothing to be embarrassed about."  
  
She shyly shuffled closer to him until she was near enough for him to reach her. He then stopped waiting for her to come to him and pulled her into his arms. Jess enfolded Rory, one hand on the small of her back and the other between her shoulder blades, pulling her to his chest. Her head tucked under his chin, and she carefully brought her arms up around his ribcage.  
  
"See," Jess told her, "just a hug. Nothing has to be different."  
  
"What if I want it to be different?" Rory asked softly. She felt Jess' arms stiffen slightly. Taking a deep breath, she kissed the hollow of his throat. Her lips trailed up his neck to his ear. "Jess," she whispered in his ear, "can it be different?"  
  
Jess' hand moved up from her shoulders to cup the back of her head. He stroked her hair gently, but took a step back form her. Looking at her face, Jess exhaled strongly. His fingers left off stroking her hair and traced the curve of her ear, across her cheek, over her lips and down the side of her neck until he met the collar of her shirt. His fingers lingered on her collar bone. "Are you sure?" he breathed, afraid to speak louder in case the moment should be lost again.  
  
Rory licked her lips and looked into Jess' eyes. "I'm sure."  
  
He nodded once and slowly leaned into her, finishing what they'd started hours ago in Jimmy and Sasha's kitchen. Her mouth was still as soft as he remembered. She still tasted like coffee. Her fingers still curled into his hair, and his hands still fit perfectly on the curves of her hips. The next thing outside of the feel of Rory's mouth and hands that Jess registered was the couch pressing against the backs of his legs. Grasping Rory firmly around her waist, he sat back, pulling Rory down with him. The action caused their teeth to clink together. He pulled back from Rory and looked up at her flushed face.  
  
"Should we really be doing this?" he asked, tucking her hair behind her ears.  
  
"I don't know," she whispered. "Don't stop."  
  
Her mouth descended on his again, effectively stifling his protests. She kissed him roughly, like she meant to mark him and make sure he wouldn't forget her. Delicate fingers curved roughly into the curls behind his ears, scratched down his neck and sides, and tugged his shirt up to reveal his stomach. When Rory's cold hands splayed across his bare chest under his shirt, Jess jerked away again.  
  
"Rory, are you sure you want to do this?"  
  
She blushed but didn't move off of him. "I wanted to do this a long time ago. You just kept asking in the wrong places."  
  
Jess' breathing sped, but he tried to keep Rory from noticing. "That was then. Is this what you want now? What you really want?"  
  
"It's what I want," Rory affirmed in a soft voice. "I want you, Jess."  
  
His breath shuddered in his chest, and Jess knew Rory noticed that time. He reached up and tangled one of his hands in her hair, the other setting against her hip. "Come 'ere," he whispered, urging her down to his lips again. Rory sighed against his mouth and melted into him.  
  
The last thing either of them remembered of the fading evening was the setting sun filling the room with a soft orange light as Jess tumbled Rory to the bed, and then the world narrowed to the two of them. Nothing else mattered.  
  
*********  
  
Jess lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. The sun had gone down and the street lights outside were starting to flicker on and bathe the room in a eerie acid yellow glow. Rory was curled on her side next to him using his outstretched left arm as a pillow. That was the only contact between the two of them; her cheek on his upper arm. She had her knees pulled up, and her arms were wrapped around her chest. Jess' other arm was free, but he hadn't made any move to touch her. She didn't seem like she'd accept that right now. He wasn't sure why.  
  
The sensation of something wet slipping down his arm caused him to turn his head. Rory's eyes were closed, but her eyelashes were damp. As he watched, a tear slid from her closed eye. The angle of her head caused it to roll across her lips, and she licked it away.  
  
"Rory?" he asked quietly. "Are you okay?"  
  
"No," she whispered without opening her eyes.  
  
Jess' breath hitched in his chest. "Did I hurt you?"  
  
"No," she whispered again, but this time she opened her eyes and looked up through her wet lashes at him. She looked at him for a moment in the sallow light and then rolled away, dragging the blanket with her to wrap herself in.  
  
Jess sat up, sheet pooling in his lap, and silently watched her cross the room until she came to a stop at the window. She rested her forehead against the glass, tilting slightly to try to see the beach.  
  
"We shouldn't have done that," she said eventually.  
  
"I thought you wanted to," he returned. He'd given her at least a dozen opportunities to say no, to change her mind, but she'd only urged him forward.  
  
"I did." She turned from the window to face him and managed a faint smile. "I don't want you to think I didn't like it, 'cause I did. I mean, you told me once that you were good, and I mostly passed that off as hyperbole, but it wasn't. It was really very . . . really." She blushed and looked down at her feet.  
  
He smiled softly back at her for a moment as he stood and pulled his boxer shorts back on. "Then what's wrong?" he asked seriously, crossing the room to stand near her.  
  
"It doesn't change anything. We can pretend it changes things, and it does to a point, but not enough," she sighed. "I'm still going home tomorrow, you're staying here, and there's still no way you and I will work with so much distance between us."  
  
Jess nodded in reluctant agreement. He knew she was right. An entire continent was too much to overcome, especially with their past. "So, what, then?"  
  
Rory turned back to the window. "I'm not sure. I think I need some time."  
  
"Now, or when you get home?" he asked, confused. "You aren't going to hide in the bathroom until morning, are you?"  
  
"Jess, I think that after I get back home, we shouldn't talk for a while." Rory reached out and wrapped her fingers around his wrist. "Not forever," she said quickly. "I just need to figure out some things."  
  
He took a deep breath, stung by her words but not about to let her know that. "If that's what you need," he told her instead, extracting his hand from hers and stepping closer to her. He touched her hip lightly, and when she didn't pull away, he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder. "But you're not home yet," he whispered, burying his head against her neck and breathing her in.  
  
Rory wrapped one of her arms over his and leaned against him, the other hand reaching up to tangle in his hair. "Not quite," she whispered back.  
  
"I wish things really were different," Jess mumbled against her neck.  
  
Rory didn't respond. She just curled her fingers tighter in his hair and watched a stray cat prowl down the shadowy alley. It wouldn't do any good for her to tell him what she was thinking at that moment anyway. She was fairly sure he already knew.  
  
**********  
  
The next morning, Rory woke up early, smiling in her early morning haze at the arm across her hip and the smooth chest under her cheek before it came rushing back to her. She'd allowed Jess to lead her away from the window and back to bed the night before. His hands and lips had started to roam her body again but stopped abruptly when she'd started to cry once more. Then he'd pulled her close, hands smoothing over her back, and whispered soothing nonsense into her hair. Rory had allowed herself to be comforted by those words and the warmth of his body pressed to hers. She'd felt safe then, and had almost broken down and told Jess that she loved him, especially when she thought she heard him whisper those words to her. But she'd decided against that, feeling that it would only make things more complicated if he thought that she had heard him and returned his feelings.  
  
Now, in the quiet morning, she almost regretted not telling him. Almost. Her heart was screaming for her wake Jess and tell him, but she sided with her head and pulled away from him instead. Moving slowly so as not to wake him, Rory crept into the bathroom to shower. When she was finished, she opened the bathroom door to find Jess making coffee. There was a stack of toast on a plate on the counter, and he nodded his head toward it when he saw her but didn't say a word.  
  
In fact, neither one of them spoke to each other at all. They moved around the apartment silently, communicating only by gestures and uneasy sighs. They brushed against each other a few times as Jess got ready for the day and Rory packed up her belongings, but they still remained resolutely silent, not sure what to say or how to say it.  
  
Jess put Rory's suitcase into the trunk of the car he once again borrowed from his boss, and the two of them drove in awkward silence to Jimmy's house. The atmosphere there continued to be subdued, the exuberance of the week's earlier visits tainted by the fact that Rory was leaving in a few hours to return to Connecticut. Lily insisted on taking Rory out to the yard to say good-bye to each of the dogs individually, and when the door had shut behind the pair of girls, Jimmy tugged Jess into the kitchen.  
  
"What the hell is the matter with you two?" the older man demanded.  
  
"I don't want to talk about it," Jess shrugged.  
  
"Tough," Jimmy hissed. "You're going to tell me, or I'll get Sasha to drag it out of you."  
  
Jess warily eyed the woman in the living room and relented. "Something happened between Rory and me last night, and she's confused and there's nothing I can do about it."  
  
"Something happened?" Jimmy asked incredulously. "That's all you're going to say?" He stared hard at Jess, who only raised an eyebrow. But that was enough, and Jimmy caught on. "Okay, so that's all you need to say."  
  
"Thank you," Jess snapped. "She's avoiding me the best she can, and everything I can think of to say seems like the wrong thing, so neither of us is saying anything."  
  
"That's your solution?" Jimmy asked. "It's confusing, so we won't deal with it?"  
  
Jess shrugged. "It's going to have to work for now. She doesn't want to talk about it; she made that clear last night. And I've fucked with her head and her heart enough, so she gets her way this time. I at least owe her that, to do to me what I've done to her . . . to shut me out until she's ready."  
  
Any response Jimmy might have made was truncated by Rory and Lily's return to the house. Rory gave an odd look at the close conference Jess and Jimmy seemed to be having but didn't say anything about it. However, she did pointedly look at the clock and then at Jess.  
  
"We should probably get going," he said to the room in general.  
  
His words caused Lily to burst into tears. "Rory, I don't want you to go," she sobbed, throwing her arms around Rory.  
  
Rory teared up and hugged Lily back. "Don't cry," she said hoarsely. "We'll still talk, and you can write me letters. I love getting mail at school," she said with a small smile. "And maybe someday I can come visit again." She looked over at Jess as she said that, but he was turned away from her.  
  
Lily cried harder, "I'm going to miss you so much." She clutched at Rory harder, until Sasha came into the room and gently drew her away.  
  
"I'm going to miss you too, Lily," Rory said, bushing some of the tears off the girl's face. Lily was hiccuping now with the force of her sobs, and Rory turned apologetic eyes to Sasha. The older woman smiled gently and pulled Rory into a one armed embrace.  
  
"She'll be okay," Sasha whispered into Rory's ear. "I hope you had a good visit."  
  
"I did," Rory stammered, still fighting back tears. "Thank you for everything." She stepped away from Sasha and addressed Jimmy. "I mean that. I can't thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to come out here."  
  
Jimmy shook his head. "It was my pleasure," he said, reaching out and shaking Rory's hand. "I hope this isn't the last time we see each other."  
  
"Me too," Rory nodded, but she was again looking at Jess. This time she caught his eye, but his expression was unreadable. She knew their silence today had everything to do with what she'd told him last night about holding off on their phone calls, but she wished he would at least give her a sign that the calls would be welcome again once she'd had time to think.  
  
Jess only cleared his throat. "We really have to go. Friday traffic's gonna be murder."  
  
Rory nodded, bid everyone one last good-bye, and followed Jess back to the car. They rode in continued silence all the way to the airport. Jess waited patiently while Rory checked in and checked her bag. Without asking her if she wanted him to, he followed her to the security gate. At that point, Rory turned to him, looking like she wanted to say something, but she set her jaw at the last minute and proceeded to the gate. It was then that Jess had had enough.  
  
"Rory!" he called out, waiting for her to turn around. "I'm not sorry this time!"  
  
She managed a small watery smile and raised a hand in a final wave. "Me either!" she called back just before the crowd swallowed her up. She let herself be carried along, moving blindly on automatic until she was settled into her seat some time later. It was only then that she allowed herself to cry.  
  
********  
  
While Rory was breaking down on the plane, Jess was wandering aimlessly along the boardwalk in an attempt to avoid going home. However, he eventually ran out of places to go and had no choice but to return to his apartment . . . the scene of his latest crime the dark part of his brain kept chanting. The place where he'd finally taken the last of Rory's innocence and probably once again ruined any relationship that they had built up.  
  
Jess kicked the door shut behind him with a bang, and the wood of the frame cracked with the force. He sighed as he regarded the damage, but found it was repairable. It was likely the only thing that had happened that day that was something that could be fixed. Jess scuffed across the room and flopped back onto the bed. The lingering smell of Rory's shampoo, of just simply Rory, wafted up from the pillow. He wanted to die.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: So, that was chapter twelve. It took longer than I expected to get up, but it just kept getting longer and longer. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up. I've only got vague ideas of where I want it to go(before anyone asks or suggests, Jess isn't going back to Stars Hollow yet; that much I do know). But be patient, let me know what you think of the story so far, and the next chapter will come eventually. 


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Notes: So, so sorry about the delay. Real Life decided it had been too long since I'd had to deal with a medical malady and smacked me hard with the flu. Then, once I finally felt better, I had a wicked case of writer's block. I think it's passed, finally getting new episodes of the show after holiday hiatus certainly helped, but I'm not sure how good this chapter is compared to the rest of them. I'm not really happy with it, but I don't know what else to do with it and I'm tired of looking at it.  
  
And not that anyone will notice, but I've switched from using Jess' as a possessive to using Jess's, because I have been informed that the latter is correct and only Jesus and Moses get away without the s after the apostrophe. You learn something everyday.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than the plot and a few original characters. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but the only thing I'm borrowing from Season 4 is Rory's haircut. Any other similarities are purely coincidence. Chapter titles come from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I do not own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Thirteen: Next Day I Just Wouldn't Know  
  
October 2004  
  
Rory pulled up to the house late Thursday afternoon. Her Friday classes had all been canceled through some peculiar stroke of fate, so she'd decided to head home for a long weekend in Stars Hollow. As she shut off the engine of her car, she looked up at the house and smiled. She hadn't really been home this semester except to do laundry. This unplanned visit home might be exactly what she needed to unwind a little from the increasing stress at Yale.  
  
It also might help her actually address what had happened in California at the end of the summer. She still thought about Jess, especially on Thursday nights, but she could find plenty of distractions at school to keep from really thinking about what had occurred and what it meant. Some time back in Stars Hollow, with plenty of places to be alone, would offer Rory time to think seriously about Jess and their relationship . . . if they even still had one.  
  
The laundry bags were heavy, and Rory dropped them gratefully in the entry way. It was too early for her mother to be home from the inn which was finally nearing completion. Shedding her jacket, Rory wandered into the kitchen looking for something to eat. She hit paydirt with some pizza in the refrigerator that didn't look or smell too old. With a stop off in her room to pick up a book that had nothing to do with school, Rory went back to the living room, settled into the couch, and promptly forgot about everything else in her life until a bang sounded from the front door.  
  
"Hey!" Lorelai cried out. "I didn't tell the Laundry Fairy she could use this place as a rest stop."  
  
Rory knelt up on the sofa. "Surprise."  
  
Lorelai faked a shocked expression. "What are you doing here? Did Yale burn down?"  
  
"No, but I did suddenly find myself with a free Friday tomorrow, and I thought I'd come spend it with my mommy."  
  
"Well, I'm honored to rate such attention from such an important person," Lorelai said, rounding the couch to pull Rory into a hug. "Okay, a little less honored now that I know you've eaten all the pizza."  
  
Shrugging, Rory pulled her mother down onto the couch. "You've got every take out place within twenty miles on the speed dial. You can get more pizza."  
  
"Technically, I can get another daughter, too," Lorelai teased.  
  
"Not one as good as me," Rory protested.  
  
"You're probably right."  
  
"How're things at the inn?"  
  
"Better than great! I can't believe it's taken this long to get it all finished though."  
  
"Well," Rory reasoned, "the broken pipes flooding the kitchen and the end of the porch falling off probably set you back a little."  
  
Lorelai shrugged and nodded. "Probably. Anyway, the painters are coming next week, the horses seem to be settling in, and the electrician finally fixed all the crossed switches."  
  
Rory clapped her hands giddily. "No more going into the hallway to turn on the bathroom lights? Yay!"  
  
Lorelai bounced, "I know. It's really working! I think we need to celebrate. Burgers at Luke's and ice cream from Taylor's."  
  
Her good mood dwindled almost instantly. "Or we could just order in and have a movie night," Rory suggested feebly.  
  
"Whoa, okay, you have to tell me when you're going to switch moods that fast, so I can put on my seatbelt," Lorelai said, holding her daughter at arms length and searching her face. "Why don't you want to go out?"  
  
Rory shifted uncomfortably. If she admitted she didn't want to go to Luke's, she would have to admit she was currently avoiding all things even remotely connected to Jess. And if she told her mother that, she would have to tell her mother why. Rory didn't think either one of them was ready for that. "I missed you so, so much, and I don't want to share you with anyone?" she tried to respond.  
  
Her mother scoffed. "Nice try, sweets, but Luke's been asking me how you are a lot. I know you haven't been talking to him. I had thought it was just because you were really busy, but maybe it's something else?" Lorelai asked.  
  
Squirming, Rory pulled away and retreated to the other end of the couch. "If I tell you that there is something that's bothering me, can you accept the fact that I still have to sort it out inside my head some more before I can talk about it?"  
  
"But when you're ready to talk about it, you'll come to me and not someone else?" Lorelai asked, clearly remembering Rory's confiding in Luke instead of her after Jess's departure over two years ago.  
  
"I will," Rory assured her mother, even if, in her head, she was dreading that conversation. "I promise."  
  
"Okay, then," Lorelai nodded, "I'll run out for movies and ice cream, and you call for food. Anything but Sandeep's."  
  
"Thanks, Mom," Rory sighed in relief and hugged Lorelai tightly. Then she skipped off toward the kitchen and the take-out drawer with a bright smile on her face.  
  
As Lorelai watched Rory disappear, she couldn't help but notice that the smile was false and solely for her benefit. However, as much as she wanted to say something, she had learned her lesson before about making a judgment without having all of facts and knowing what Rory was thinking, so Lorelai was keeping her mouth shut this time. She could only hope that when she finally could speak, she wouldn't have to yell . . . or cry.  
  
**********  
  
Friday morning dawned grey and bleak, heavy clouds threatening rain but never quite delivering. A breeze blew steadily giving the normal autumn chill a sharper bite. Rory felt the weather perfectly reflected her mood, and she wasn't at all disappointed by the wintry turn. Dressing for both warmth and comfort, she bundled herself in the biggest, warmest, softest sweater she owned, wrapped a scarf around her neck, settled a matching hat on her head, picked up the gloves and book she'd laid on the kitchen table, and slipped out the back door only moments after Lorelai had left out the front door for the inn.  
  
Rory wandered slowly through town deliberately avoiding the areas that tended to be more populated in the morning. She shuffled down the endless fruit streets and then along the ones sharing names with nuts. Eventually her meanderings brought her to the one place she knew she'd been unconsciously avoiding and the one place she most wanted to visit. The bridge . . . Jess's bridge . . . their bridge.  
  
She stood at the end of the series of wooden planks and took a deep breath before resolutely stepping out and walking to the middle of the bridge and sitting down, feet dangling over the cold dark water. Rory pulled out the book she'd shoved in her back pocket earlier and smoothed the creased cover. The fold in the cardboard and the curve to the pages reminded her of all the books in Jess's expansive collection that looked the same way and brought a bittersweet smile to her face. Her fingers traced over the four letters forming the title of the slim volume. 'Howl.' The first book she and Jess had ever shared, whether she wanted to share it with him or not. Rory opened the book randomly, not reading the text, but instead pouring over the small tidy scrawl filling the margins. She read Jess's notes over and over until they became blurred through the tears in her eyes, and she couldn't see them anymore. Snapping the book shut quickly so the pencil marks wouldn't be smudged by her tears, Rory cried, sobs shaking her until she thought her bones would rattle apart.  
  
It had seemed like a good idea at the time, taking some time alone to reevaluate her feelings, but now, after weeks with no contact with Jess, Rory couldn't quite figure out why she'd made that particular decision. She missed him terribly, missed hearing his voice every week, missed hearing what he was up to and sharing what was going on in her life. Sleeping together would have an undeniable impact on their relationship, but no matter what kind of changes it brought it couldn't possibly be as bad as having no relationship at all. They both knew and grudgingly accepted the fact that the distance between them denied any romantic notions they might have toward each other. That had never been disputed, so why then had Rory thought it would be for the best for them not to speak?  
  
"Because you're scared," Rory managed to mutter to herself between sobs. She was scared of the fact that, even after more than a year and thousands of miles, she still loved Jess, and he still felt for her. She was even more afraid of letting that love go and never being able to feel so strongly for anyone else in the future . . . or of even wanting to feel that strongly for another person. If she kept Jess at arms length, not talking to him, it was easier to pretend that they were living in some kind of stasis. If they didn't speak, their relationship didn't change but instead remained exactly where it had been in California.  
  
Rory wiped her eyes and took a shaky breath to quell her tears. "But that's not any way for either of us to live," she said aloud to no one. It was hurting her, hurting Jess, and her lingering pain was starting to leech into the rest of her life, starting to make her depressed and despondent at times. Replacing her book in her pocket, Rory pushed to her feet and dusted herself off. She felt marginally better after finally having a good wrenching cry, but she knew she wouldn't feel completely better until she finally talked to Jess again.  
  
But first she needed a little caffeinated courage.  
  
**********  
  
Coming out from the kitchen, Luke surveyed the diner for the customer that had either entered or left as signaled by the chiming door. He stopped a bit short when he noticed Rory perched delicately on a stool near the register. Her cheeks were pink and her nose red, suggesting that she'd been out in the cold for longer than it took to walk to the diner. Luke pulled a coffee cup down and filled it without asking, setting it before Rory's fingers where they were drumming on the counter.  
  
"Here," he said quietly, nudging the cup closer to her hand when she didn't respond right away.  
  
"Oh," Rory said distractedly, shaking herself a little, "thanks." She took a grateful sip of the hot liquid.  
  
"It's getting colder out there," Luke said absently. He watched Rory drink and noticed that her eyes were rimmed with a red that had nothing to do with the cold.  
  
She sniffled, "Yeah. Maybe we'll get an early snow."  
  
"You and your mom will love that." Rory only nodded at him blankly. Luke spoke again, "I'm not upset that you haven't been in here, you know. I understand."  
  
Rory started in her seat. "I didn't think you were," she said in a rush. "I've just been busy with school and stuff, have a lot on my mind . . . it's not personal."  
  
Luke smiled gently. "I know . . . so does Jess." He sighed when Rory's eyes dropped quickly. "I still talk to him. He's doing okay. He misses you, but he's okay."  
  
"I know," Rory breathed, chancing a glance upward at Luke. "Lily's been writing to me; she tells me how he is."  
  
"Oh." The stilted conversation dropped off being replaced briefly by quiet sipping and distracted counter cleaning. "He might like to be able to tell you how he is himself," Luke mentioned as casually as he could.  
  
Twirling the mostly empty coffee cup on the counter, Rory nodded. "Probably. I'd probably like to hear it from him, too." She drained the cup in one long swallow. "I'm going to call him. We need to talk."  
  
Luke nodded, "Yeah, from what Jess had told me, you really should talk."  
  
Rory's head snapped up, fear naked in her eyes. "From what Jess has told you? What . . . what has he told you?" she asked shakily.  
  
"You know Jess and details," Luke told Rory. "He's just said that things were awkward when you left. He didn't tell me why. I figured you had another fight or something." He watched Rory's eyes close for a few seconds longer than a blink when he said that and wondered not for the first time exactly what had happened between her and his nephew in California.  
  
"Yeah, something," Rory said softly. She tipped her head back in an attempt to keep tears from falling. It was a successful maneuver, and she looked back down at the counter, tracing it's edge with her fingers. A napkin appeared next to her empty coffee cup; she picked it up and blew her nose. "Thanks."  
  
Luke hummed in acknowledgment. "I won't ask what happened. I don't think I want to know anyway."  
  
Rory laughed hollowly. "No, I don't think you do either." She took a deep breath in through her nose and exhaled loudly through her mouth. "Do you . . . um, you wouldn't know what his schedule's like, would you? I mean, I know he's still with Lily on Thursdays, but I don't know when he works or anything like that. I don't want to wait until Thursday; I might chicken out again," Rory admitted.  
  
"I don't know what he does at night, friends or anything like that, but I do know he's probably at home right now," Luke said.  
  
"Oh. Well, that's sooner than I thought." Rory fidgeted, foot tapping against the leg of the stool.  
  
"He doesn't work until ten tomorrow morning; you could catch him then. Or . . ." Luke trailed off, not sure if he should finish his idea.  
  
"Or what?"  
  
"If you really wanted to talk to him now, you could use the phone upstairs."  
  
Rory's eyes widened, "Upstairs? I don't think that . . . I really . . ." she gnawed on her lower lip in thought, "I . . . if it's really all right, then okay. I'd like that."  
  
Luke nodded in the direction of the curtained stairwell. "Go on up. Door's open."  
  
"Thank you, Luke. For everything." Rory dug into her pocket and laid enough money on the counter to cover her coffee. She hesitantly stood, gathered the courage she'd come to the diner for around her like a coat, and made her way up to the apartment.  
  
Pushing open the door, she took a few moments to stand in the doorway and look at the large room she used to spend so much time in. Rory hadn't seen the apartment since all of Jess's stuff had been moved out of it. His side of the room looked empty and more than a little lonely. There were no books on the bed or floor, no CD cases stacked precariously on the small desk. The apartment didn't even smell the same. It used to smell of Jess's cologne and the stuff he put in his hair. Now it just bore the smells coming up from the diner.  
  
Rory sighed and located the phone. She sat at the small kitchen table and looked at the keypad on the phone. She didn't know why; there wasn't anything remarkable about the phone. The buzzing of the dial tone was loud, even with the phone not pressed to her ear, and she took another breath. The keys clicked softly as Rory depressed them, dialing Jess's apartment from memory even though she'd never had a lot of cause to call him there.  
  
The first ring was shrill in her ear, and Rory had to swallow her pulse in her throat in order to be able to speak . . . and she wasn't even sure that that would help.  
  
**********  
  
Jess was slouched low on the lumpy couch. A book was laid open and face down on his chest. He was too lethargic to read; the words just passed through his head without meaning anything. The cause of his fatigue was unclear, but he suspected he was coming down with the cold that Lily had been suffering from for the last week. His throat was scratchy, and a dull throbbing was starting behind his eyes. When the phone rang, the last thing Jess wanted to do was answer it. He shut his eyes and tried to ignore the incoming call, but the shrill bleating of the phone wouldn't let him, and the answering machine wasn't on to take the call for him. Reaching down with a weary sigh, Jess picked up the phone from where it was lying on the floor near his feet.  
  
"Yeah?" he grumbled irritably.  
  
"Um, is this a bad time?" a timid voice asked on the other end of the phone.  
  
Jess sat up like an electric shock and been passed through the couch. The book tumbled from his chest to his lap and then slipped to the floor with a thud. "Rory?"  
  
"Hi," Rory answered. "Are you busy?"  
  
"Not really." Jess waited for Rory to say something else, but she remained silent. "How are you?" he asked when she didn't speak.  
  
"Okay. School's been busy. I've been writing for the paper."  
  
"I know. Lily told me. I read one of the clippings you sent her. It was good."  
  
Rory sounded startled, "Thank you."  
  
Jess started to ask Rory why she'd called, but he was distracted by a crackling in his ear. It was a sound he recognized, but it still struck him as strange. "Where are you calling from?" he asked. He thought he knew, but it would be an unusual place for her to be calling from.  
  
"Luke's," she admitted sheepishly. "How did you know that I wasn't at home or school?"  
  
"Luke's phone makes that static snapping noise once and awhile. Why are you calling me from the apartment?"  
  
Rory made a small squeaking in her throat, revealing her embarrassment. "I ended up having a free day, and I came home for the weekend. I was out walking around, thinking about . . . stuff . . ."  
  
"'Stuff?' I guess I can be called stuff," Jess broke in wryly. "Better than being called shit, I suppose."  
  
"Usually," Rory agreed and then continued with her story. "So I was thinking about stuff, and I ended up at the diner. Luke offered to let me call you from here."  
  
Jess snorted, "There's a whole lot you're leaving out."  
  
"Yes, there is."  
  
"You gonna share it with me?"  
  
The creaking of one of Luke's kitchen chairs preceded Rory's answer. "I'm sorry for putting you through this for the last couple of months."  
  
Settling back into the couch, Jess propped his feet on the low coffee table. "It's not like I didn't do the same thing to you, if not worse."  
  
Rory sighed, sending shivers down Jess's back. "I'm still sorry. Not talking was the wrong way of handling this, Jess. I was wrong when I thought it would be."  
  
He swallowed thickly. "I'm not sure we would have known what to say anyway."  
  
"Do we know what to say now?" she wondered.  
  
"Well, you called me, so I'm thinking you might have some idea."  
  
"I guess," Rory said hesitantly. "What happened between us when I was out there . . ."  
  
Jess sighed wearily, "Can't you even say it, Rory? Just once?" Being with her had been special for him and for her to diminish it by glossing over it, by not naming it, stung him to the bone.  
  
Embarrassment colored her voice, and she stammered and sputtered for almost a full minute before managing an answer. "Okay . . . when we . . . we had s-sex . . ."  
  
"Oh, Rory, don't say it like that," Jess said softly, not intending her to hear him. But she did and gasped indignantly in his ear. He winced, sure that she had misunderstood why he'd said that, and prepared for the coming tirade.  
  
"Well what then?" Rory cried. "You ask me to say it, I do, and then you tell me that it's not right! What is right? I don't know what to do, Jess! I don't know what to do!"  
  
All of the frustration and anger that Jess had been feeling since August boiled over in his chest. "Don't say it like you're ashamed! It wasn't just something that happened, Rory! It meant something to me; you mean something to me!"  
  
"It meant something to me, too!" she snapped back. "That's why this is so hard, Jess!"  
  
"Why? Why is it so hard?" he wanted to know.  
  
"Because I love you, you moron!"  
  
"Great! I love you, too!"  
  
Rory burst into tears. "Don't say that," she whimpered.  
  
"Why not?" Jess growled and kicked the coffee table in frustration. "I thought that was what this was all about?"  
  
"It is, and it isn't," Rory sniffled.  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" Jess was growing more and more confused the longer he talked to Rory. He would've preferred she hadn't called if all she was going to do was throw vague sentences at him and cry.  
  
"You know what it means," she insisted, still weeping softly.  
  
He wanted to put a fist through the wall. "Pretend for a minute I don't."  
  
Rory gulped and took a deep breath. "We've talked about this before. You're in California; I'm in Connecticut. You don't have any desire to come back here, and I am not about to give up Yale. It's just too much distance."  
  
Jess clenched his jaw and blew a loud breath out through his nose. He knew she was right but admitting it was painful for both of them. "So this is it then? We say goodbye, and it's all over?"  
  
"Is that what you want?" Rory sounded horrified at the prospect.  
  
"No, it's not what I want, but I don't know what else there is," Jess told her. "We can't date, I agree with you there, but I can't keep up the weekly phone calls. Not if I'm supposed to get over you."  
  
"There has to be something else," she all but pleaded. "I don't want to completely lose you again."  
  
He sighed and kicked the table again, tipping it over onto it's side with a slide of paper fanning out across the floor. "Then you come up with something, Rory. I can't . . ." Jess trailed off when words suddenly failed him.  
  
"What if we still talked, but only once a month instead of once a week?" Rory asked. "Can we try that for a little while?"  
  
Shoving an angry hand through his hair, Jess groaned, "I don't know. I just . . ." He shifted uncomfortably and fell silent again. Rory's rapid breathing filled his head, and he could tell she was close to breaking down again. "Okay, okay," he relented, "we just . . . I think we have to promise each other that because we both agree we can't be together then we can't get upset or punish each other if either one of us starts seeing someone else."  
  
Rory sucked in a breath though her teeth. "I . . . um . . . that makes sense, I guess. So, yes, I promise."  
  
"I promise," Jess echoed. Hearing the words leave his mouth sent a sharp pain through his chest, but he had to let Rory go if he was ever going to move on. He sat quietly, Rory doing the same, and felt the words they'd just uttered solidify into some kind of barrier between them.  
  
"So," Rory asked eventually, "what have you been doing?"  
  
Jess laughed quietly. "And so it begins," he muttered to himself. Staring down at the book that he'd been pretending to read before Rory called and the loose papers littering the floor on the other side of the overturned table, he smiled wryly. "I've been going to school," he revealed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, you don't have to sound so damn surprised," he barked.  
  
"Sorry," Rory apologized quickly. "I just didn't think that you'd go back."  
  
"Yeah, well. GED courses at a community college lack the charm of Stars Hollow High, but I'm managing somehow," Jess said sarcastically.  
  
Rory let out a small giggle. "But it must be hard. I know how much you liked it there, the bustling social scene and all."  
  
Jess snorted, "Yeah, that's me, Mr. Center of Attention."  
  
"Does this feel false to you?" Rory suddenly blurted out of nowhere.  
  
He was thrown by her question but gave it some consideration. "Not false but a little strange, I suppose."  
  
She made a strange noise of despair. "I just don't know what to do. Five minutes ago we were screaming at each other, and then we . . . broke up? Is that the right phrase? It just seems wrong to be joking when it hurts so much."  
  
"If you want to be upset, you can be upset," Jess told her. "You don't have to pretend to be okay right away if you're not. I'm certainly not all right."  
  
"I'm not okay," Rory admitted, "but I don't want to cry right now. It won't make things any better. I just want you to talk to me like you used to talk to me."  
  
Jess swung his feet up onto the couch and lay back. "Then school is boring, I still think the Marshall Plan is a waste of my time, and I miss my tutor. Though Lily is attempting to take your place."  
  
The smile that stretched onto Rory's face was nearly audible. "Aw, that's so sweet. I can just see her standing over you, spouting off facts and poking you in the arm with a pencil when you don't pay attention."  
  
"That's frighteningly close to what she actually does. She didn't tell you that, did she?" Jess wondered. "Because I asked her not to tell you that I was going to classes."  
  
"She hasn't," Rory assured him. "That's just what I would have done at her age."  
  
"Why am I not surprised," Jess commented. "But, that's what I've been doing when I'm not at work. I go to classes a few times a week, I pay half- assed attention, and I take the tests."  
  
Rory laughed at him. "Well, that's sort of what I do, but I actually pay attention. And I don't really work . . . except for the newspaper."  
  
"From what I've read, you're working very hard there," Jess assured her.  
  
Again she sounded surprised by his compliment. "Thanks. I'm trying to make a good impression."  
  
"I'm sure you are," Jess said, but the longer he talked to Rory the more he realized his heart wasn't in making small conversation with her. "Rory, I think I need to go. I can't do this right now."  
  
"What? Why?" she asked with hurt edging her voice. "Is something wrong?"  
  
Jess tried as hard as he could to not snap at her. "Yeah, something's wrong. When you were here, it was so good to have you around, to see you and be able to touch you again. And that last night . . . I'd dreamt about it, but I never thought you would actually want me to make love to you. But you did, and there isn't any way I can tell you what that meant to me."  
  
"It meant just as much to me, Jess. You have to know that," Rory said quietly.  
  
"If that's true then you have to understand that I can't shift from loving you to being your friend so quickly. I need some time, and I know you do too. No matter how okay you're trying to sound right now, you're hurting just as much as I am," Jess told her, and when she didn't protest, he knew he was right. "I'll call you in a few weeks, I promise that I will, but I have to go now, Rory."  
  
She sighed raggedly, the shakiness of her breathing betraying the easy acceptance she tried to convey in her voice, "Okay, if that's what you need to do." Sighing again, Rory dropped the act briefly. "I'm so sorry, Jess. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."  
  
"I know you didn't. Neither did I." He took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose trying to fend of his increasing headache. "I call you in a few weeks."  
  
"All right. Bye, Jess."  
  
"Bye, Rory." He waited until she hung up the phone before doing the same. Tossing the phone back on the floor, Jess surveyed the overturned table and the mess that went with it. It could be handled later. His head was pounding, and all he wanted to do was sleep. Dragging himself off of the couch, Jess shambled across the room and collapsed on the bed. The last thought that went through his head before he fell into a fitful sleep was that he wanted to dream of anything that wasn't Rory.  
  
**********  
  
Rory hung up the phone and stood in Luke's small kitchen rubbing her hands up and down her arms. That call didn't exactly go as she'd hoped, but then again, she wasn't sure how she'd really expected it to go anyway. She certainly never thought that Jess would be the one to get emotional and end the call, but everything that he had said had been running through her mind at the same time. He'd just had the guts to actually voice it. Moving slowly, Rory crossed to what was Jess's side of the room and ran her fingers over the edge of the bed. She fought down a wave of heartache, bolted for the door, and forced a smile onto her face before going back into the diner.  
  
Luke stepped out from the kitchen at the sound of Rory's rapid footsteps on the stairs. "Everything okay?" he asked her.  
  
"Sure," Rory said brightly, her false cheer not reaching her eyes. "Thanks for letting me use the phone."  
  
"No problem," Luke said gently. He could see that there was something lurking behind Rory's eyes, something sad. Wanting to say something but deciding not to, he instead asked, "You hungry? Can I get you anything?"  
  
"I think I'm just going to go home," Rory said, some of her smile falling. "Thank you, Luke."  
  
"Don't worry about it. I'll probably see you and your mom tomorrow."  
  
"Probably," she affirmed. Giving Luke a half-hearted wave, Rory pulled her hat and gloves back on, rewound her scarf about her neck, and went back out into the cold afternoon. Her feet knew the way back to the house without her having to give it much thought, and she was grateful for that. She entered through the back door and went straight to her room. Toeing off her shoes and tossing the hat, gloves, and scarf on the floor, Rory collapsed onto the bed. She stared at the still closed blinds on the window until her eyes went blurry, and she did nothing to clear them.  
  
What must have been hours later, the window shade had gone dark, Rory finally refocused herself when she heard her mother calling from the front door.  
  
"I'm in here," Rory called out feebly.  
  
Lorelai appeared in the doorway. "What are you doing in here in the dark?" she asked.  
  
"Brooding," came the sullen reply.  
  
"Sweetie, I thought we agreed not to watch 'Angel' anymore for this very reason." When her daughter failed to respond to her joke, Lorelai became more concerned. "What's wrong?" she asked, edging further into the room. "Did something happen at school?"  
  
Rory flopped over onto her back with a sigh, "No. School is fine."  
  
"Then what's going on?" Lorelai asked as she perched on the arm of Rory's chair.  
  
"I slept with Jess."  
  
Lorelai fell off the chair with a thump. She pushed herself up on her knees and stared at the bed. "I'm sorry, but please tell me I misunderstood that."  
  
"You didn't," Rory said flatly. She turned her head and looked at her mother. "Mom," she said with her chin trembling, "I don't know what to do." With that, she finally burst into the tears she'd been fighting since she hung up with Jess.  
  
Crawling across the floor, Lorelai pulled herself up and sat on the edge of the bed. She lifted Rory and cradled the sobbing girl against her side. "Don't know what to do about what, baby?"  
  
Rory took a couple of gulping breaths, chest shaking with the effort to calm down enough to speak. "It isn't fair! I just want it to be the way it was before!"  
  
"Before what, Rory? Before you went to California, before you slept with him, what?"  
  
"Before Jess left," Rory sniffled. "When he was here and I was allowed to love him." She started crying harder again and curled tighter to Lorelai's side.  
  
Lorelai stroked Rory's hair. "Why can't you love him? Did he say something to you? Did he do something?"  
  
"No, Mom," Rory hiccuped, pushing away from her mother and wiping at her eyes with her sleeve. "Not everything Jess does is designed to hurt me."  
  
"Then why are you sitting here crying like this?" Lorelai was torn between wanting to comfort Rory and find out what was bothering her and wanting to hunt Jess down and rip his spine out through his nose.  
  
Rory pulled a pillow onto her lap and hugged it tightly. "Because he's right, I know he's right, and I don't want him to be," she sighed petulantly.  
  
"Sweetie, I can't help you if you don't give me an answer I can understand," Lorelai said as patiently as she could.  
  
"You can't help me with this anyway, Mom," Rory sighed again. "There's nothing to help. I love Jess, he loves me, and we're too far apart to do anything about it. It's over, it hurts, and I'm sad." Stray tears spilled silently from her eyes. "We don't want to be friends, but it's all we have. And that hurts too."  
  
"Rory, you're not making a lot of sense."  
  
"Neither does life most of the time." Rory turned her head away. "I think I want to be alone a little while longer."  
  
Lorelai stood and rubbed a hand across her forehead to try to ease the tension in her brow. "Okay, but just remember that I'm here for you." Pausing at the bedroom door, Lorelai suddenly gripped the door frame with white knuckles. Without turning, she asked, "Rory, this doesn't have anything to do with . . . you're not . . . there isn't anything else you need to tell me is there?"  
  
Rory gave a short sobbing laugh and looked up at the tense line of her mother's back. She watched it relax marginally as she answered, "No, Mom, nothing else. Jess wore a condom; I've been to the health center on campus. It's all fine."  
  
Giving a brief nod and finally releasing the wall, Lorelai left the room and shut the door behind her. Rory slid back down on the bed and curled around the pillow, drifting slowly off to sleep and wanting only to dream of Jess.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: Next chapter should be better and have more on Jess's feelings about his relationship with Rory. I'll also probably be jumping around some in the timeline as I'm looking to finish this story up soon. Thanks for reading, and review if you've got the time. 


	14. Chapter 14

Author's Note: Making up for the slowness of the last update by coming back with a fairly quick one, though it is a bit shorter than the last few chapters. Still, I'm pleased with how well and how quickly this one came together. For those of you who have said you like Lily, she's back again to keep Jess on his toes. I hope she continues to be a favorite.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing other than the plot and a few original characters. All events through the end of Season 3 have occurred, but the only thing I'm borrowing from Season 4 is Rory's haircut. Any other similarities are purely coincidence. Chapter titles come from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs. I do not own those either.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Fourteen: The Blacktop Stretches Out For Days  
  
November 2004  
  
It was mercifully quiet in the house. Lily was locked away in her room working on some crazy science experiment that involved reading different types of literature to plants. All Jess knew was that he was surprised that the bean plant she was forcing to listen to the exploits of Robinson Crusoe hadn't died from boredom. Of course even reading that book had to be better than the excruciatingly dull textbook in front of him. Maybe he hadn't given going back to school enough thought. Surely it wasn't meant to make his brain feel like it was atrophying and withering inside his skull.  
  
Sighing, he picked up his pen and stared back down at his notes. As bored as he was, he wasn't going to quit this time. There were too many people who were proud of him for going back, who were expecting him to do well. He'd failed two of those people once before by not finishing school, and Jess wasn't going to let them, or himself, down again.  
  
Just as he was finally getting into something of a rhythm of answering the questions he'd been assigned a raucous barking broke out in the yard followed by the affronted yowling of a cat. Jess threw his pen back down and stormed to the door.  
  
"Legolas! Leave the damn cats alone and shut up!" The offending dog seemed to have the decency to look apologetically at Jess and slunk off to the opposite edge of the yard from the cats he'd been terrorizing.  
  
"Damn dog," Jess snarled and slammed the door. He turned around and almost threw up his heart. "Jeez, Lily," he snapped out at the little girl in the kitchen doorway, "don't creep up like that."  
  
Lily shrugged and took a seat at the table. "Why are you so cranky all the time?" she asked instead of apologizing for nearly giving Jess a heart attack.  
  
"I'm not cranky," he snapped again, leaning back against the door and crossing his arms.  
  
"Yes, you are. You were sort of sad after Rory was here, but for the last month you've been nine different kinds of grumpy."  
  
"I have not."  
  
Arching an eyebrow, something she'd picked up from him, Lily scoffed at Jess. "Have too."  
  
"Have . . . oh, man, I'm not starting this kind of fight with you." He shook his head and managed a small smile, "You'll go for hours if I let you pull me in."  
  
"Yes, I will," Lily quipped smartly. "Why doesn't Rory call here anymore?"  
  
The question came out of nowhere and sent Jess reeling. He stumbled for an answer. "She . . . I . . . it's not . . ." Lily clearly wasn't going to buy any of the answers he was fumbling to come up with, he could see it in her eyes, and Jess slumped against the door. "Well, hell."  
  
Lily giggled, "Mom doesn't like it when you swear in the house. You've done it three times now."  
  
"I know." Jess pushed away from the door and shoved a hand through his hair. "Come with me," he told Lily, nodding toward the living room. He waited until she passed him and then sat on the couch next to her after she'd settled in.  
  
She looked over at him expectantly, "So?"  
  
"Okay, Lil, here's the thing . . . you're nine years old," Jess held up a hand when he saw her gearing up to argue with him, "but you don't act or think like you're nine, so I'm not going to tell you that you're too young to understand what's going on. I'll just explain it the best I can."  
  
"Thank you," she beamed up at him.  
  
Jess chuckled softly, "You're welcome. Now, I know that you and Rory write letters about school and stuff, but I also know that she hasn't explained to you why she hasn't called here or why I haven't been calling her."  
  
Lily shook her head. "No. I tell her stuff about you sometimes, but she never even asks about you. Did you guys have a fight?"  
  
"Not exactly. Rory and I care a lot about each other, but we live on opposite sides of the country. That makes it complicated."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I getting to that," Jess told her, "don't interrupt. We're at different places in our lives right now, Rory and I. We want and need different things. That's not unusual; you'll learn that when you get older. You'll have friends that you'll find yourself growing apart from. It happens to everyone."  
  
"Then why . . ." Lily trailed off after a look from Jess. "Sorry, I'm interrupting again. You're getting there."  
  
He threw an arm around her and pulled her close to his side. "I am. It's complicated because Rory and I . . . even though we need to be in different places right now, we still love each other."  
  
"I know I'm not supposed to interrupt," Lily said after twisting her head up to look at Jess's face, "but if you love each other, shouldn't that make it easier?"  
  
"In a perfect world, Lilliput, it would. But, and you'll learn this someday too, love can make things even more complicated. See, when you love someone but you can't be with them it can make you angry with them. It can hurt to talk to them when you know you can't see them." Jess heard the girl sigh and glanced down at the top of her head. "What now?"  
  
"Well, that explains why you were so sad after Rory left and why you don't want to talk to her," Lily reasoned, "but why have you been so grouchy lately?"  
  
Jess cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I didn't know I was acting that way. I'm sorry if I've snapped at you or hurt your feelings."  
  
Lily shrugged. "It's all right. But why?"  
  
"Why, why, why," Jess chuckled. "You're like one of the dogs when it gets hold of a bone." He blinked and nodded when Lily shot him an impatient look. "Okay, okay. No more stalling. A few weeks ago, Rory called me. We talked for a little while; we're trying to be friends. But like I just told you, it's hard to be friends with someone when you'd rather be in love with them."  
  
"But you were friends before, and you loved her," Lily said. "I know you did."  
  
"I did, but it's different this time, Lily."  
  
"How is it different?"  
  
He didn't want to give the main reason, but there was another reason he could share with Lily without embarrassing either one of them too much. "Because before I didn't think I'd see Rory again, at least not for a long time. Not before she'd met somebody else and gotten over me at any rate." Jess shifted his arm as Lily twisted against him, her chin digging into his side as she stared up at him. "You've got that look on your face, the one you get when you've been mooning over your fairy tales again," he told her.  
  
"It's sort of like a fairy tale," Lily giggled. "Two people in love, separated by time and distance. It's all very romantic."  
  
Jess snorted. "Then I haven't been explaining it right."  
  
Lily jabbed him in the ribs. "Yes, you have. I bet you and Rory find your way back to each other and live happily ever after. You just have to; that's the way the story has to end."  
  
"Remind me to read you 'Romeo and Juliet.'"  
  
"You're being grumpy again." Lily sulked, a pout appearing on her formerly grinning face. "Are you going to talk to Rory again?" she asked.  
  
"Not every week like before. I agreed to try talking once a month for a while. We'll see how that goes."  
  
The little blonde head bobbed against his shoulder. "Are you still trading off on who makes the call?"  
  
"Mmmhmm," Jess mumbled, wary of the glint that was forming in Lily's eyes. "Why?"  
  
Lily's smile returned with a positively evil slowness. "You've been an ogre for almost a month. And Rory called you last month, so it's your turn." She bounced to her feet and tugged at Jess's hand. "Go call her!"  
  
Jess tried to twist his wrist from the surprisingly strong grip it was in. "Lily, I don't think that's such a good idea."  
  
"Then don't think about it," she said, pulling harder at him. "Just do it!" Lily braced her feet against the floor and heaved the young man she'd come to think of as a brother to his feet. Ignoring his protests, she hauled him toward the kitchen.  
  
Jess knew he could get away from her if he wanted to. The fact that he hadn't only proved that on some level he wanted to call Rory; he just had to let himself believe he'd been forced to do it and not desperate to hear her voice. He winced as Lily shoved the phone handset into his chest.  
  
"Call her," she insisted. "Right now."  
  
"Where did you learn to be so bossy?" he wondered even as he dialed.  
  
"From watching Mom and Jimmy." Lily smiled as she watched Jess finish dialing. "I want to talk to her before you hang up, but I'll go and give you some privacy for now," she said conspiratorially, giving him a pat on the arm.  
  
"You're too young to know that tone of voice!" he called after her as she disappeared from the room.  
  
"Excuse me?" The question pierced sharply through his ear.  
  
Jess groaned silently. "Hello, Paris. Is Rory there?"  
  
"She is," Paris said succinctly.  
  
"Can I talk to her?" Jess sighed.  
  
The answer was smug. "I don't know, can you?"  
  
"Paris, just give her the damn phone," he growled.  
  
"Fine." She took the phone from her ear but obviously didn't cover the mouthpiece. "Rory! Rebel without a clue is on the phone!"  
  
Rory's voice came lilting over the line. "Hello?"  
  
Jess swallowed thickly before being able to answer. "Hi."  
  
"Hey. I wasn't expecting you to call." She sounded pleased that he had.  
  
"Well, we never really agreed on a when, and . . ." Jess trailed off, the rest of his sentence sounding stupid before he could even get it out.  
  
"And what?" Rory prompted.  
  
"And I was explaining to Lily why I've been what she called 'cranky' lately. For some reason you and I strike her as being like one of the fantasy stories she's so fond of, and she's taken it upon herself to play fairy godmother."  
  
Rory laughed softly. "It's not really that simple."  
  
"According to Lily, it is," Jess sighed. "I don't think she's willing to see it any other way. She's too young to remember her parents splitting up. The only relationship she's really seen is Sasha and Jimmy's. They aren't the most ideal couple, but they're pretty stable. She's got no other frame of reference that would suggest things don't always work themselves out."  
  
"Lily's growing up," Rory said, "and she'll learn otherwise."  
  
Jess agreed, "That's what I told her."  
  
The content of their conversation seemed to hit them both at the same time, and they both became quiet, just breathing into the phone. Rory sighed heavily, and Jess cleared his throat to edge off the embarrassment he was feeling. He'd agreed to this phone call thing reluctantly because he was afraid this would happen, but he had no idea how uncomfortable it would be in reality.  
  
"So," he said in a effort to salvage things before the went completely sour, "how are you?"  
  
"All right. Busy," Rory laughed, "just like I always am when you call. You're actually giving me a break from studying that I would've felt guilty taking otherwise."  
  
"Happy to be of service," Jess said gallantly. "And you've got a few days off for Thanksgiving next week, right?"  
  
"Yeah." Rory sighed again, "Wow, it's Thanksgiving again."  
  
Jess agreed, "It is. I promise there are no surprises in the mail for you this year."  
  
"I appreciate that. Though it turned out not to be a bad surprise when it was all said and done."  
  
He hummed in response, neither agreeing or disagreeing with Rory.  
  
She didn't ignore his lack of an answer and called him on it. "You don't think it's turned out okay?"  
  
Jess wandered in circles around the kitchen, kicking occasionally at the cabinets while he thought out his answer. "I don't know. I didn't actually expect it to turn out any way. Never thought you'd respond much less want to be . . . whatever it is that we are."  
  
"Whatever it is we are," Rory told him, "I'm glad we have it. And we wouldn't if you hadn't written to me. I missed you . . . still miss you."  
  
She'd gone breathy on that last statement, and Jess felt his stomach flip a little. "Rory, I miss you too, but we can't start talking like this again. It's just going to make us both miserable."  
  
"I'm already miserable," she protested. "The only way it could get any worse is if my grandmother goes through with her idea to set me up with one of the sons or grandsons of one of Grandpa's business partners."  
  
Jess stopped short in his revolutions around the table and held his breath. He absolutely hated the idea of Rory with someone else, but . . . "Maybe you should let her."  
  
Rory sucked in a breath. "What?"  
  
"I'm just trying to be realistic. We can't be together, Rory. It'll make it easier to accept if we're seeing other people."  
  
"Are you dating?" she wanted to know, voice shaking.  
  
"I've gotten a few numbers slipped to me at work, at school," Jess revealed. Granted he hadn't called any of them, but Rory didn't need to know that.  
  
Raw pain bled across the phone lines. "Oh. Well, that's . . . no, that hurts, Jess."  
  
"I'm not going to apologize for that. We had an agreement," he reminded her, "that we wouldn't get mad at each other for dating. If it's going to be too hard for you to do that, we can cut this off right now."  
  
Rory sniffled. "No, I'll be okay. It's just hard to hear for the first time."  
  
"I guess it might be," Jess said coolly.  
  
"Are you trying to tell me that it's not going to hurt if I tell you that I've started seeing someone, that someday I might have a new boyfriend?"  
  
"I didn't say that, but I'll deal with it when it happens. I'm not going to make myself sick wondering about it."  
  
"You're being awfully callous," Rory accused.  
  
Jess blew out his breath, agitated. "No, I'm being honest. Us being friends isn't going to work if you can't move on. It's not easy, it's not easy for me, but you have to do it. And we can't keep having this same conversation every month. It's already starting to get tiresome."  
  
"I'm sorry you find me tiresome," she snapped sarcastically.  
  
"I didn't say you were tiresome," he groaned. "I said this conversation was tiresome. God, this is why I didn't want to do this. This is a shitty situation, but it's where we're at. I'm not going to keep making you feel better over something that is half your fault."  
  
Rory sputtered. "Excuse me? You're the one who took off in the middle of the night without telling anyone!"  
  
"You're the one who wanted to have sex and then flipped out about it!" Jess countered.  
  
"You didn't exactly push me away!"  
  
"I know very few straight men who will turn down a half naked woman, especially when her hand is down his pants!"  
  
She shrieked in outrage. "You complete bastard! I hate you!"  
  
Jess would have responded, but she hung up on him. He stood there listening to the droning of the dial tone. "Shit."  
  
"Jess!"  
  
His back was to the living room entry way, and he answered without turning. "How long you been standing there, Lil?"  
  
Lily answered on the verge of tears. "Why did you say those things to Rory? Why are you so mean?"  
  
Turning, Jess started to try to explain to the girl, but he never got the chance to. He could only watch helplessly as Lily gave a wrenching sob and fled to her room. The bedroom door slammed a few seconds later.  
  
The phone landed with a clunk on the table, and the chair he kicked out from the table scratched along the floor. Jess slouched down, the back of the chair digging into his neck, and covered his eyes with a hand. He slammed his other fist against the tabletop.  
  
"Don't beat up my furniture," Sasha warned, coming through the kitchen door with her arms full of one of the cats from the yard.  
  
"Sorry," he muttered. "You wanna yell at me too?"  
  
"Did you do anything that I need to yell at you for?"  
  
Bitter laughter spilled from his throat. "If I haven't I'm sure I will if you hang around for a few more minutes. I seem to be real good a pissing off women today."  
  
"What happened?" Sasha asked, dumping the cat on the floor. She took a seat across from him at the table and regarded him seriously.  
  
Jess dropped his hand from his eyes and looked at her. "You really want to know? You're not just asking because you feel like you have to?"  
  
She shook her head. "I would really like to know, if you want to tell me. Believe it or not, I do care about you and how you're doing, Jess."  
  
"Huh." He watched her carefully for a moment, but Sasha was only looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to answer without pushing or blaming him right away. It occurred to him at that moment that Sasha was what he'd wished his own mother was like when he was growing up. Sasha wasn't his friend, but he didn't want her to be. She was there to listen to him, give him advice when she thought it was warranted, but she didn't get upset with him if he didn't take it. And she didn't automatically assume the worst of him. There had been very few people in his life who had treated him that way, and in the last twenty minutes he'd managed to upset two of them . . . here was to hoping it wouldn't be three before the day was out.  
  
"I should start by telling you that I swore in front of Lily a few times tonight," Jess said honestly. "I know you don't like that. I'm sorry."  
  
"Okay," Sasha nodded, "start small. Thank you for apologizing, and just try to watch your language in front of her. What else?"  
  
Jess blinked at her in surprise for a moment. "Uh . . . I called Rory, we got in a fight, Lily heard some stuff she shouldn't have, and she ran off to her room in tears."  
  
"I'm guessing that's the short version," Sasha said calmly. "You want to expand?"  
  
He shrugged. "Lily wanted to know why I was in a bad mood lately. I tried to explain to her that my relationship with Rory is really confusing right now, but Lily doesn't seem to see it that way. She sort of goaded me into calling Rory. Rory'd called me last month, and tonight we got into an argument over what we'd talked about then. She misunderstood some things I said, snapped at me, I snapped back and said something hurtful. Lily heard my side of that part of the call, and she took off before I could explain it to her."  
  
"She probably wouldn't have listened anyway or understood if she had," Sasha told Jess. "I was real careful with dating after I got divorced and before I met Jimmy. I didn't bring dates around the house, especially if I didn't think the relationship was going to go anywhere. Lily doesn't really understand how complicated things can get yet. Sure, she reads a lot, but books usually paint things a lot cleaner than life does."  
  
"No kidding." Jess closed his eyes and laid his head on the table.  
  
Sasha pushed away from the table and stood, moving to stand behind Jess. "I'll talk to Lily. She'll come around. Why don't you go home, okay? Give yourself and Rory a little time to calm down, and then maybe give her another call in a few days."  
  
"I don't think that'll make much of a difference," Jess said morosely, his voice muffled by the table.  
  
"Sure it will. Look, I know what happened when Rory was here, and it's going to be hard to adjust. The fighting is inevitable, but it will pass and things will fall into a more normal pattern." Tentatively, Sasha reached out and rubbed Jess's back.  
  
He stiffened momentarily but didn't pull away or shrug the hand off. "You'll have to forgive me if I'm not that optimistic." Sitting up, Jess turned to face Sasha, letting her hand stay on his back. "Thanks, though."  
  
"Sure. You still coming for dinner on Sunday?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll be around." Standing, he surprised himself by giving Sasha a brief hug. "See you later."  
  
Sasha nodded and affectionately ruffled Jess's hair. He gave her a small smile as he pulled the kitchen door closed behind him. Stopping briefly in the yard to pat a few of the dogs on their heads, Jess slowly made his way home with his conversation with Rory replaying in his head. All the things he wished he would have said were being inserted instead of the things he did say. Idly, he wondered if he'd get a chance to make things right.  
  
**********  
  
The wondering didn't last long. Jess was jerked awake by the ringing of the phone early the next morning. Tripping over the clothes he'd pulled off and let fall the night before, he managed to get to the phone without doing too much harm to himself.  
  
"Hello?" he grumbled, not fully awake.  
  
"I don't hate you."  
  
"Rory," Jess sighed, "I'm so sorry for what I said last night, but do you think you could not hate me in a few hours when it's not five thirty in the morning?"  
  
"What?" Rory sounded confused until she registered the time change. "Oh, crap. It's early there. I totally forgot."  
  
He crawled back into bed with the phone. "It's okay; don't worry about it. And I really am sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean say those things like that."  
  
"I may have taken some of them the wrong way," she admitted. "I overreacted a little bit."  
  
"We both made mistakes. Let's just say that or we'll being going back and forth blaming ourselves all day."  
  
"And that would probably start another fight."  
  
"Probably," Jess agreed.  
  
Rory took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Why can't we get along anymore?"  
  
"I told Lily last night that when you love someone but you can't have them sometimes all you're able to do is be angry with them," he explained. "I think that's our problem."  
  
"Passion has to go somewhere."  
  
"Exactly. That's why I think it will make things easier if we see other people."  
  
"Maybe, but the idea of you with someone else is . . . I don't even know the right words for it, Jess."  
  
He knew exactly how she felt and told her so. "Yeah, well, the thought of some other guy putting his hands on you makes my stomach churn, but there aren't a lot of other options."  
  
"You could come back here," Rory suggested hopefully.  
  
Jess groaned and curled tightly around one of the bed pillows. "No, Rory. I just . . . no."  
  
"I know, I know," she sighed. "You don't want to do that. It was just a suggestion."  
  
"One I'm as receptive to as you would be if I suggested that you transfer to a school out here." He rolled to his back and stared at the ceiling. "You worked very hard to get to Yale, and I am working very hard to get what I have out here. Neither one of us is ready to give that up."  
  
Rory had no choice but to agree with him. "Sometimes I wish life were easier. No surprises or unexpected problems."  
  
Jess chuckled in amusement at her naïve wish. "Rory, if that were the way life went you and I never would have gotten together."  
  
"Good point," she conceded. "Forget that idea then."  
  
"What idea?" he teased.  
  
She giggled. "I have no clue what you're talking about."  
  
"Okay," Jess said, changing the subject, "then could I ask you to do a favor for me?"  
  
"Depends on what it is," Rory said slyly.  
  
"I need you to write Lily a letter."  
  
A surprised squeak issued from Rory's throat. "Okay, not what I was expecting. Why . . . what do you want me to write to Lily?"  
  
"She heard part of my side of our conversation last night. Could you just try to explain to her that we had an argument, and you and I are both sorry that it happened?" Jess asked. "I'm going to tell her the same thing this weekend, but I think it will help her believe it more if she hears it from you too."  
  
Rory hummed agreeably. "Sure, I can do that. Um . . . how much did she hear?"  
  
Jess sighed grimly. "I'm not completely sure, but I know she heard the crack about you being naked and probably a little bit before that."  
  
"So she knows that we had sex?"  
  
"It's a safe assumption."  
  
"Well, that's just . . . that's . . ." Rory stammered and trailed off. "Are you going to have to explain it to her?"  
  
"I don't know," Jess said, silently praying that he wouldn't have to do just that. "Sasha came home not too long after you hung up on me. I'm sure she took care of any questions, whatever they might have been."  
  
"Lily's not stupid," Rory rationalized. "I'm sure she knows what sex is, doesn't she?"  
  
"Probably . . . more than likely, yeah." He hated thinking that someone as young as Lily would know those things, but he did at her age. He wasn't going to be stupid about it. "That doesn't mean I want to talk to her about it."  
  
"No. I don't think I would either."  
  
"You might have to. She can ask you just as easily about it in a letter," Jess reminded Rory.  
  
"I was trying to ignore that possibility, thank you," Rory told him.  
  
"Was it working?"  
  
"No, just like it didn't work when I tried to ignore the fact that I told my mom we slept together."  
  
Jess choked and shot upright on the bed. "You did WHAT?"  
  
She meekly repeated herself. "I told my mom."  
  
"WHY?"  
  
"Calm down. Stop yelling," Rory begged. "You're gonna give me hearing damage."  
  
"I think my continuing to live is more important than your ear right now." Jess started surveying the room, looking for necessities that could be easily crammed into his duffel in case he had to make a quick getaway. "Lorelai is going to kill me."  
  
"I think she would have done it already if she was planning that," Rory said reasonably. "I told her last month."  
  
Jess calmed down marginally but his heart was still beating too rapidly for him to relax. "Or she's planning it when I least expect it. She's not planning a vacation anytime soon is she, hasn't been disappearing for long periods of time?"  
  
"No, Captain Paranoid. You're safe, trust me."  
  
"I'm blaming you if I wind up dead," he said dryly.  
  
"I'll keep that in mind." Rory suddenly broke into giggles.  
  
"Are you laughing at me?" Jess asked, offended and slightly concerned for Rory's mental health as her laughter escalated.  
  
"I was just thinking about how strange it is that us sleeping together is what put this awkward wedge between us, but now it's like the only thing we've been able to talk about without ending up in a screaming fight."  
  
"Huh. Hadn't noticed that," Jess said quietly. He wondered what that meant, if sex was the only thing they were going to have in common, but he couldn't voice that out loud. Not to Rory.  
  
She mimicked his soft tone. "Yeah. And not that I've brought it to our attention, I've killed it."  
  
"Nah," Jess told her, "maybe it's just time for this conversation to end. I'm sure you've got a class or something you have to get to soon."  
  
"And you could probably use a few more hours of sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up so early," Rory apologized again.  
  
"It's okay. Just don't do it next time."  
  
"Deal." Rory stalled for a moment and cleared her throat. "Well . . . I'll call you in a few weeks then?"  
  
"I'll be around," Jess said. "Bye, Rory."  
  
"Bye, Jess." She made a noise like she was going to say something else but quickly hung up instead.  
  
He turned off the phone and tossed it off the side of the bed an onto the floor, wondering what she might have wanted to say. Jess decided immediately not to worry about it. This time instead of tying his heart into knots, talking to Rory had left him with a pleasant warm feeling that he hadn't felt in a long time. It was nice to have it back, and he didn't want to lose it by worrying about her right now. But the skeptical part of his brain couldn't help asking how long their renewing ease with each other would last. 


	15. Chapter 15

Author's Notes: There's no excuse as to why this update took so long. I'm simply a master at procrastination, and if I don't have a set deadline I tend to really put things off. About the only remedy I have is if one or two of you kind souls out there throw me an email every few weeks or send messages to my AIM name, and ask me how the story's is coming. Both of those items can be found in my profile if anyone is interested in taking on the task. Anyway . . .  
  
There is a big timeline jump in this chapter, so please pay attention to the date given after the opening paragraphs to avoid confusion as to when this is happening. I think it's pretty clear, but what I think I'm writing and what you actually read could be very different, and would be my fault as the writer for not making my intentions clear. Please don't let me be a sloppy writer, and tell me if I'm confusing.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing save for plot and any original characters. All the rest is the property of those individuals and corporations involved with the production of Gilmore Girls. The chapter titles come from various Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers songs and are the property of those individuals and corporations.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Fifteen: One Day In Some Far Off Place  
  
The uneasiness of that autumn bled into a tentative winter between Rory and Jess. The holidays passed with a phone conversation and an exchange of friendly if somewhat impersonal cards. The new year brought resolutions from both of them to try and curb their tempers when dealing with each other. Despite those vows, the pair occasionally still fought when emotions ran high. Apologies usually followed swiftly, and by spring their friendship had almost returned to the ease it had held the previous year. However that spring the calls became shorter due to increasing stress on both coasts. Rory was approaching the end of another school year, grappling with having to decide on a major, and wondering if it was the right time to find some kind of summer job or internship. Jess on the other hand was finishing his GED course work and contemplating finding a third job or finding a higher paying job and leaving the bookstore.  
  
Summer came before either of them felt like they had a chance to breathe. Rory had done well on her final exams, not quite as well as she'd hoped but still well above average, and had managed to land a part-time assistant position with a Hartford newspaper. It amounted to a lot of coffee fetching and filing, but it was giving her a lot of insight into how a larger market newspaper was put together.  
  
Jess had decided to leave the slower pace and familiarity of the bookstore to once again drive a forklift in a warehouse. He spent four days a week moving pallets and boxes and his weekends back on the beach shilling hot- dogs. It wasn't that he liked working at the Inferno as much as he like working with the people there. Finally, he was feeling accomplished and somewhat content in his life. However, a sinking feeling remained in the deepest part of his heart that things couldn't possibly continue to go as well as they were. If anything, history had proved that just when things seemed to be going well they completely fell apart.  
  
**********  
  
June 2005  
  
Screaming inside his head, Jess gratefully left the Inferno without looking back. It had been nonstop people all day, all seeming to have stupid questions and not enough change. He wandered the boardwalk until he found a place to perch and pulled out his ever present book. Promptly losing himself in Rushdie's words, Jess barely noticed the passing of people to and from the beach and the lowering of the sun until he felt a tapping on his shoulder. He looked up, expecting to see one of the few people he knew, and was startled to find a strange girl standing next to him. Jess stared at her expectantly while the girl shifted a large sketch pad to her left hand and presented her free right hand to him. He took it hesitantly and shook it briefly.  
  
"Hello," she said brightly but with a voice huskier than one expected to come from a person as small as she was. She pointed off down the boardwalk to a small stand draped with costume jewelry. "Ah . . . I work a that stand over there."  
  
"Good for you," Jess said flatly, confused as to why she'd thought he'd care.  
  
The stranger picked up on his mood. "Right. I didn't mean to bother you, but I was over there working, noticed you sitting here, and I had to draw you."  
  
"You had to what?"  
  
"Draw you," the girl repeated. "See, I'm applying to art schools, and I need to put together a portfolio of different kinds of work. I came over here to ask you if it would be all right if I included the drawing I just did of you."  
  
Jess fought the urge to bite the inside of his cheek to make sure he wasn't in some kind of bizarre dream. It wasn't a normal occurrence in his life for girls to approach him with an apparent portrait. He looked over the girl again, taking in her appearance fully this time. She was as short as he'd originally thought, the top of her head would probably just come to his nose, and accordingly petite. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail but it was still obvious that it was very curly and dyed an almost blood red. Dressed simply in jeans and a t-shirt, her clothes weren't anything outlandish or revealing, and she wore them comfortably. Jess finished taking her in and looked back up at her face.  
  
"Can I see what you've drawn?" he asked.  
  
"Sure, of course," the girl said quickly. She turned the sketch pad so that he could see it. He'd been drawn sitting on the bench, legs kicked out in front of him and crossed at the ankles. In one hand was the book he'd been reading and the other was laid across the back of the bench, bent at the elbow and propping up his head. His face was done in profile, lips parted and hair curling over his forehead while he concentrated on the pages in front of him.  
  
"Huh," Jess said casually, unsure of what to tell her. It was a wonderfully done, if a little rough around the edges. It made him nervous that she was able to capture him so well without even knowing him.  
  
"It needs a bit of cleaning up and smoothing out, but . . ." she told him quickly and shrugged. "Would you be willing to let me use it?"  
  
Jess nodded slightly. "It's good, but I'm not sure if I'm comfortable letting you send it around."  
  
The girl hummed in disappointment. "Well, would you think about it for a couple of days? I can give you my number, and you can give me a call after you've thought it over." She tore off a corner of one of the blank pages in the sketch pad and scribbled a number on it, handing it to Jess with a hopeful look in her eyes. The hope had a bit more behind it than just wanting to be able to use the drawing, but he didn't seem to acknowledge it.  
  
"Okay," he agreed somewhat reluctantly. "I'll think about it, but I can't call you unless you tell me who you are."  
  
"Oh!" She blushed and thrust out her hand again, more nervously that before. "I'm Dana."  
  
"Jess." He tucked the phone number into his book and got to his feet. "I guess I'll give you a call when I've decided."  
  
"I'd appreciate that," Dana said earnestly. "Thank you, Jess."  
  
"No problem. Look, I've had a long day, and I've got to work early in the morning so . . ."  
  
"Sure, don't let me keep you." Flipping the pad closed, she slipped into a bag Jess hadn't noticed laying at her feet. "I look forward to hearing from you."  
  
Jess only nodded again and gave a small wave of acknowledgment as he turned to head toward home. "Weird," he muttered to himself when he was sure he was out of earshot. Taking a chance, he looked over his shoulder. Dana was still standing near the bench watching him walk away. Jess couldn't be sure, but he thought she was checking out his butt.  
  
**********  
  
A few days later Jess let himself into the kitchen door of Jimmy and Sasha's house. It was late in the evening, and Lily was seated at the kitchen table with her homework while Sasha rinsed dishes in the sink. They both looked up as Jess shut the door behind him.  
  
"Hey," Sasha said, "were we expecting you?"  
  
"Nope," Jess replied, moving to stand behind Lily and look over her homework. "I'm unexpected."  
  
Sasha laughed. "As always. We finished dinner, but there are some leftovers I can reheat if you're hungry."  
  
"No thanks. I'm good," he told her. Looking down, he tapped Lily on the top of the head. "You're gonna want to double check your multiplication tables, kid."  
  
"The sevens mess me up," the young girl grumbled.  
  
Jess nodded in commiseration. "Yeah, for me it was the nines. I'll teach you a way to remember them better on Thursday, okay?"  
  
"You can't do it now?" Lily asked.  
  
"Sorry. I need to talk to Jimmy right now." Jess looked at Sasha. "He around?"  
  
"Doing the books in his office."  
  
"Okay." Giving Lily another affectionate tap, Jess turned and went back toward the office. The door was shut and he could head Jimmy singing off key along with David Bowie. Knocking once, Jess pushed the door open.  
  
Jimmy turned, startled by the interruption. "What're you doing here?"  
  
Jess shrugged and shut the door again, leaning against it. "I wanted to talk to you about something."  
  
"Um . . . what? Like a work thing?" Jimmy looked thoroughly confused.  
  
"Actually, no," Jess sighed. "It's more of a personal thing. I know I don't usually talk to you about that kind of stuff; I usually go to Luke. But this sort of involves Rory, and Luke might not be the best person when it comes to this so . . ."  
  
"So I get to take it by default?" Jimmy waved Jess's argument off. "No, no. It's cool. I mean, you're comfortable enough to come to me now, and you used to not be. That's progress, right?"  
  
"Yeah, progress," Jess said, slightly amused. "Anyway, Sunday when I left work I was reading on the boardwalk, and this girl came up to me."  
  
"A girl," the older man said slyly. "I've got you now."  
  
"No, I don't think you do," Jess protested. "It wasn't like that . . . I don't think. She drew me."  
  
Jimmy's eyebrows arched. "She what now?"  
  
"Drew me. You know, pencils and paper. Like a portrait or something. She said she was an art student, and she was putting together a portfolio. Wanted to know if she could include the drawing."  
  
"And you said?"  
  
"That I'd think about it." Jess shifted uncomfortably. "I've got her number, and I'm supposed to call when I've decided whether or not I'm going to let her use it. That's not the problem."  
  
"Then what is?" Jimmy asked, leaning forward expectantly.  
  
"See, when I walked off . . . I'm pretty sure she was checking me out. Not a new thing. It happens."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I sort of also got the feeling that if I called her she might be expecting me to talk to her about more than the picture."  
  
"You mean ask her out?"  
  
Jess groaned and nodded. "Do you know how long it's been since I've asked a girl out, since I've been on anything that could be considered a date?"  
  
"Would you even want to go out with this girl?" Jimmy asked.  
  
"I don't know," Jess admitted. "We didn't talk much, but she seemed cool. Maybe I might want to spend some time with her. That's the problem. There's Rory, and I will always care about her, but I can't have her right now."  
  
Jimmy leaned back in his chair and regarded Jess seriously. "Then I don't know why this is a problem. You've been saying for months that you've got to move on and date other people. Do that. This isn't as big a deal as you're making it."  
  
"Not to you maybe." Jess sighed and slid down the door, forearms coming to rest on his bent knees. He looked up at his father. "I can talk all I want about seeing someone else, but actually doing it? Jimmy, I don't know."  
  
"What are you saying then, Jess? You wanna spend the rest of your life alone because you're scared?"  
  
"I'm not scared."  
  
"You sure as hell look scared from here," Jimmy chuckled. "Look, I know that Rory is special to you, but I don't think she'd want you to sit around and be miserable because of her, would she?"  
  
Jess fiddled with a crease in his jeans petulantly. "No, she wouldn't."  
  
"Then make a decision about the portrait thing, and call this other girl. Talk to her a little bit and ask her out if you want to, or let her ask you out. Besides, you don't even know if she'd want that or if you'd have anything in common. You could be freaking out over nothing," Jimmy said reasonably.  
  
"I am not freaking out," Jess protested indignantly. "And maybe you're right."  
  
Jimmy reached frantically for his calendar. "Wait, let me right this down and mark the date. 'Jess said I was right.'"  
  
"Funny, funny." The younger man pushed to his feet and swatted the calendar away. "Bad comedy aside, thanks for listening to me."  
  
"Thanks for wanting me to listen," Jimmy said. "Maybe we can do it again sometime?"  
  
Jess nodded and smiled slightly. "Maybe. I'll see you Thursday." Pulling the door open, he left the office with another nod, said goodbye to Sasha and Lily on his way through the kitchen, and walked quickly home.  
  
As soon as he entered the apartment, Jess went straight for the book he'd been reading the other day. In actuality, he'd decided whether or not he would let Dana use her drawing of him earlier, but he had been putting off calling her for the reasons he just discussed with Jimmy. Jess just wasn't sure how to talk to a girl who wasn't Rory anymore . . . especially if the girl might be interested in him. Not that he knew that for certain. For all Jess knew, Jimmy could be right and this girl could be completely uninterested in him as anything other than a subject for a drawing.  
  
Groaning at how ridiculous he sounded to himself, Jess flipped the pages of the novel and caught the scrap of paper as it fluttered free. He took the paper over to the phone and leaned his hip against the counter. Gnawing nervously on the inside of his lower lip, Jess dialed the number and prayed he wouldn't sound as jumpy as he felt.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Yeah, hi, is Dana there?"  
  
"This is Dana."  
  
"Hey. This is Jess. From the other day." He rolled his eyes at himself.  
  
"Sure, hi!" She took on a much more excited tone than she'd had when she answered the call. "I'm assuming you've made a decision for me?"  
  
Jess tired not to laugh at her eagerness. "Yeah. I gave it a lot of thought, and it would be okay with me if you use the drawing."  
  
Dana's grin was nearly audible. "Really? That's great! I really appreciate this."  
  
"Sure. I mean, they'd be judging your talent and not me personally, so I guess it's not that big of a deal."  
  
"Well, it's sort of a big deal to me," she told him. "It has some hold over my future."  
  
"True," Jess agreed. "Are you sure you want to trust part of your future to a guy like me?"  
  
"I don't know. What kind of guy are you?"  
  
"Really depends on who you ask," Jess said honestly.  
  
She laughed. "Okay, then. Maybe I could get a chance to figure it out for myself?"  
  
Jess hummed in his throat, neither saying yes or no.  
  
"Because I was thinking," Dana continued, "that I could really use you to sit for me again to clean up the drawing better, get the right lines and angles of your jaw and stuff. I could pay you for your time."  
  
"I could do that for you," he said after some consideration, "and you don't have to pay me. It wouldn't feel right getting paid for letting you watch me read."  
  
"Would you let me buy you dinner after?" she asked. "Pizza or something? Because I wouldn't feel right not compensating you in some way. I really should have offered you something the other day."  
  
"Pizza'd be okay if you think you have to do something for me. Nothing fancy."  
  
"All right. When would be a good time for you?"  
  
He thought over his schedule for the next few days. "Saturday night? I have to work until seven, but I'm free after that. Would that work for you?"  
  
A fluttering of turning pages came over the line. "That would be okay," Dana answered him. "Meet me at that bench again?"  
  
"Sure." Jess was silent for a moment, waiting to see if she had something else to say. When she didn't, he continued, "I'll see you on Saturday then."  
  
"Great," Dana said brightly. "Thanks again, Jess."  
  
"No problem. Bye, Dana."  
  
"Good night," she told him and hung up gently.  
  
Jess hung up on his end of the line and leaned more fully against the counter. It occurred to him all of a sudden that he still didn't know if this was a date or not, and then he wondered if it really mattered what it was.  
  
**********  
  
That Saturday Jess strolled up to the agreed upon bench and found Dana already waiting for him, sitting hunched over a smaller sketch pad. He approached her silently and peered over her shoulder.  
  
"Who're you drawing now?" he asked.  
  
Dana jumped and dropped the charcoal pencil she was drawing with. "Don't do that! If I'd had a bad heart you could have killed me," she grumbled, turning to look up a Jess.  
  
He smiled lightly. "But you're still alive, so your heart must be fine."  
  
"I know a couple of people that would tell you I don't have one, but that's neither here nor there. Not to mention probably of very little interest to you." She reached down and retrieved her pencil and then got to her feet. "Thanks for meeting me again."  
  
"No problem." Jess shrugged and pulled a paperback from his rear pocket. "It's not the same book, but I did manage to find one that's the same size. You want me to sit here again?"  
  
"Actually, no." Dana folded up her smaller book and tucked it away in the same bag she'd carried the other day. "I've been here for awhile studying the light, and I think I can recreate it, or at least well enough for the little shadowing that I didn't get the first time around. I was hoping we could go to my place. It will be easier for me, and more comfortable for you."  
  
Jess shifted skeptically for a moment but eventually agreed. "How far is it from here?"  
  
"About twenty minutes on the bus. That okay?"  
  
"If it's between that and a crazily long walk, yeah the bus is great."  
  
She laughed. "Well, come on then." Dana led Jess to the bus stop, and they only had to wait for a moment before the correct bus pulled up.  
  
"We timed that well," Jess commented after they'd gotten settled on the bus.  
  
"Or I'm an evil mastermind who has the bus schedules memorized and I kept you talking long enough to make the bus just in time."  
  
He looked askance at her, not sure what to think. "That's devious on a level I only dream of reaching."  
  
"To bad it's just a coincidence," Dana laughed. "Though it's somewhat thrilling to think that I might be capable of that level of trickery. Almost everyone else I know thinks I'm far too open."  
  
Jess snickered as Rory's and Lorelai's voices whispered 'Dirty!' in his head. The laugh was quickly squelched as Rory's face flashed across his mind, and he felt a momentary pang of guilt. Shaking it off, he looked down at his feet.  
  
Dana noticed the change in his mood. "Something wrong?"  
  
"No . . . sort of . . . it's complicated. I don't want to talk about it."  
  
"All right." She asked him no more questions and made no more attempts to engage him in conversation other than to alert him to their stop. He was more appreciative than she could imagine.  
  
The neighborhood they entered looked dilapidated and slightly dangerous. Dana led Jess a few blocks away from the bus stop to a squat gray building with a cracked facade. She gave him a sideways look, seeming to expect him to make a comment on the state of the place where she lived. His face remained impassive as he waited for her to direct him inside. They climbed to the third floor, and she let him into the apartment at the end of the hall.  
  
Jess entered quietly and surveyed the space. It was a large single room with three beds lofted in three separate corners. A small refrigerator hummed near the large windows opposite the door; a hot plate perched on top of it. The rest of the room was littered with canvases, art supplies, and even a rickety looking potter's wheel. The corner that lacked a bed was crammed with lighting equipment.  
  
"It's a mess, but it's home," Dana said glibly.  
  
"How do you afford a place like this?" Jess wanted to know. His apartment was a quarter of the size of this place, and some months he scrambled to pay rent even with his two jobs.  
  
"I've got two roommates, obviously," she said gesturing to two of the beds, "and one of them has a brother who pays part of the rent to keep his lights and stuff here." Mentioning the lights, she went to that corner of the room and pulled a few items to the center of the room. "He lets us use them . . . not that he knows that."  
  
"What does he use them for?" Jess asked, moving to help untangle an extension cord.  
  
Dana giggled. "He's in a wretched ska band. They think they're the second coming of Fishbone, and no one has the heart to tell them they're not 'cause we need the money." She adjusted a low sitting light and then flicked the setup on. "There, that should be all the sunlight I need. I mostly want to focus on your face. Would you be terribly uncomfortable on the floor?"  
  
"Nah."  
  
"Great, then get settled in front of the light. I'll get my stuff." She went to the bed farthest from the window and pulled some things from the pile of stuff underneath it.  
  
Jess made himself as comfortable as possible on the floor and waited. Eventually, she came back across the room and sat in front of him, flipping through the pages of the larger sketch book she'd had the other day to find the drawing of him. Jess got a look at it and saw that more shading had been done and his clothes were better defined, creases and wrinkles accentuated.  
  
"Okay if I touch you?" When he nodded affirmatively, Dana reached out and tilted his head down slightly and turned his chin more in her direction, studying his face. "Why is it that men are always the ones born with impossibly long, thick, beautiful eyelashes?" she wondered aloud.  
  
"Payback for male pattern baldness," Jess deadpanned.  
  
"Somehow I don't think that'll be a problem for you," she returned, trying to reorder his perpetually unruly hair to resemble the portrait.  
  
He shrugged. "I wouldn't know. I never met my mother's father to know how much hair he had when he got older."  
  
"You can't ask her?"  
  
"She probably wouldn't know either. They didn't speak much after she left home. And I don't speak to her much anymore."  
  
The easy conversation suddenly came to a grinding halt. "Um . . . I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up," Dana said quietly.  
  
"You didn't know," Jess said with no trace of emotion. "It's not a big deal."  
  
"I don't talk to my parents much anymore either," she offered in an attempt to even the awkwardness.  
  
"No?"  
  
"They think I'm wasting my time with my art. 'Doodling won't put food in your stomach.' That's my dad's big line. He wants me to study accounting and join his CPA office. I'd rather drink paint thinner."  
  
Jess shifted his eyes in her direction. "That seems like an extreme way out."  
  
"Between death and double column accounting, death wins every time." Dana tilted Jess's head down one more time. "Okay, now stop talking and sit still," she said sternly, taking up her pencil and starting to draw.  
  
He sat as still as possible, listening to the gently scratching of charcoal against paper. It would have been an incredibly annoying sound if it had been any higher in pitch. As it was, Jess found himself becoming hypnotized by the soft rasping, and his thoughts turned, as they usually did when he wasn't concentrating on anything, to Rory. Rory was going to have a good laugh about all of this when he told her about it. The Jess that she knew back in Stars Hollow would never have sat still and let someone draw him, especially not if the portrait was going to sent out for viewing by people he didn't even know. He wasn't even sure that the Jess he was now would do something like that, but here he was. Letting a girl he didn't even know draw his portrait so she could send it to art schools. And on top of that, he was still under the impression that Dana was interested in him. When she'd been adjusting his position, her had hand lingered a little longer then he thought necessary on his jaw or on the nape of his neck. Not enough that he could call her on it with out looking paranoid, but it still raised questions that he felt that he would have to broach at some point during the evening . . . and then later with Rory. Jess swallowed hard and heaved a sigh.  
  
"Uncomfortable?" Dana asked, pausing in her sketching.  
  
"No," Jess said glumly, trying not to move too much. "Just thinking."  
  
"Must have been some serious thoughts. I thought you were going to blow out a lung." She leaned forward and touched his arm. "I know we don't really know each other, but maybe you want to talk about it now? Get a new perspective?"  
  
He looked down at her hand on his elbow. "We can start with that," he said nodding down at her hand.  
  
Dana snatched her hand back quickly. "Sorry. Was that . . . I just . . . I was hoping that . . .. Whatever you think, I didn't start drawing you as a come on. I don't do things like that."  
  
"I never thought that," Jess said. "I mean, I did think that maybe you were interested in me . . . that's what I was thinking about."  
  
"Oh. Would that be a bad thing, if I were interested? Do you have a girlfriend . . . or boyfriend maybe?"  
  
He couldn't stop the surprised bark of laughter. "Not interested in guys. Got an offer once when I was living in New York, but that's not important."  
  
"So you have a girlfriend then." Dana sounded dejected and embarrassed. "Well, that's okay . . ."  
  
"But I don't have a girlfriend," Jess protested gently, "not really, anyway."  
  
"Then I'm confused." Dana tucked a lock of her oddly red hair behind her left ear. "Are you just not interested in me? Because you can say that. I'll understand."  
  
"It's not that. I just met you, but you seem like someone I would like to get to know better. It's just that there's this girl, and it's really complicated."  
  
Dana looked at him but not with the artist's eye she'd been viewing him with earlier. She seemed genuinely concerned with Jess's turn for the maudlin. "Will you tell me about it?"  
  
Jess looked over at her, weighing his decision. Heaving a sigh, he shook his head. "No. I won't; I'm sorry." He just couldn't spill his soul to a person he hardly knew.  
  
"Oh. Okay." Dana looked down at her lap, tugging at her left shoe where it was tucked under her right knee. Both she and Jess were quiet for a long time until she swallowed and looked back up. "So . . . do you want to maybe eat, or do you just want to go?"  
  
"I think food would be good. I did promise you that you could feed me." Jess held out a hand when she moved to get up. "I just . . . it's not because I don't . . . I can't talk about it yet."  
  
"It's all right. Like you said, you just met me," Dana replied. "Maybe someday you'll tell me?"  
  
"Maybe," he said even though he wasn't sure he would ever be able to talk about Rory with another girl.  
  
"Okay. So, pizza?"  
  
Jess nodded, and he and Dana found themselves sitting in a slightly awkward silence after a brief discussion of toppings. He didn't quite no what to say to the girl sitting on the floor across from him. Normally, he wouldn't have minded the quiet; it was the way he usually preferred things. But this was different due to the fact that the person he was sitting with seemed to want to say something but was unsure of how to start.  
  
Dana fiddled absently with her portrait of Jess, smudging lines here and there. Every so often she would look up at him, but it was unclear if it had to do with the drawing or her wanting to ask him further questions about the subject he refused to speak about. The stillness in the room made her nervous, and when the door buzzed signaling the arrival of the pizza, she jumped to her feet in shock.  
  
She opened the door with a nervous laugh, paid the delivery person, and dropped the box on the floor in front of Jess. "We don't have a table," she apologized.  
  
He flipped open the box. "Pizza doesn't really need one," he said with a shrug.  
  
Nodding, she fetched a pile of napkins from the top of the small refrigerator and returned to sit on the other side of the pizza box. The previous silence continued while they ate, but at least it was less awkward now that they had something to do. But eventually the box was empty, and someone had to say something.  
  
"I should probably get going," Jess said, standing and brushing his hands against he back of his legs. "I promised a friend I'd help her with something tomorrow."  
  
"The friend you can't talk about?" Dana asked as she stood up. It was a question she probably should have left alone, but it slipped out. "Sorry. Not my business."  
  
"It's okay. It's a different friend anyway. My father's girlfriend's kid." Jess tipped his head and watched the girl in front of him. He hadn't been wrong when he'd thought she was nice, and she knew enough to back off when he didn't want to talk, didn't force her way into his life. And he could certainly use a friend that wasn't in elementary school to spend time with. It was time for him to stop talking about moving on with his life and really do it.  
  
"Listen," he said easily, "do you have any plans next weekend?"  
  
Dana looked up at his face sharply, eyes surprised yet caution filled her voice. "No. Why?"  
  
"I thought, if you weren't busy, we could hang out sometime."  
  
She smiled then. "What about Friday night? Maybe a dinner somewhere with furniture? Just friends, though. I understand that," she said quickly so he couldn't protest that that sounded like a date.  
  
"Okay," Jess agreed.  
  
"We can meet at that bench again."  
  
He held out his hand. "I'll see you there, around seven?"  
  
"Sure." Dana shook his hand gently and then moved to open the door. "There'll be a bus in about five minutes. This time I do have the schedule memorized," she said with a small laugh. "Thanks again for sitting for me."  
  
"No problem," Jess said. "See you later." He stepped into the hall, and the door clicked shut behind him. Shaking his head, he hurried out of the building and toward the bus stop wondering what on earth was he doing.  
  
**********  
  
The following Thursday night Jess was again sitting with Lily, and she was in rare form. She'd been sent home with a letter stating that she was reading in math class instead of paying attention to the teacher. It was the third time that such a letter had been sent home, and considering Lily's previous trouble with math, Sasha had taken fairly severe measures, to Lily anyway, as punishment. There was now a padlock holding the doors of Lily's reading cabinet shut, and she was furious at the loss of her favorite hiding spot. Jess was also under strict orders to make sure Lily did all of her homework and to check it over before she was allowed to even look at a non-school book. It made for a very tense evening of Jess having to be firm about the rules, and Lily shrieking with indignation whenever he pulled her copy of 'Jane Eyre' away from her.  
  
"No, Lil," Jess grumbled for what felt like the sixty-first time in the last ten minutes. "Look, you can sigh over Jane and Mr. Rochester all you want as soon as you finish your long division worksheets."  
  
Lily's eyes turned dark. "You're evil. I hate you," she hissed.  
  
"Uh-huh. Divide." Jess pointed at the sheet in front of Lily, rolling his eyes at her melodramatic pouting. He was saved by another one of her ear- shattering tirades by the trilling of the phone.  
  
He snatched up and growled an exasperated, "Yeah?"  
  
"Wow. Grouchy," Rory decreed from the other end of the line.  
  
"Very," Jess agreed.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Lily."  
  
Rory was surprised. "Really? What happened?"  
  
"She got in trouble at school, and she's being punished. It's not a good scene."  
  
"What did you do, take away her books?" Rory meant it as a joke.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"You're kidding?"  
  
He laughed. "Nope. I wasn't even the one who decided to do it, but since I'm here enforcing it, I'm now the devil."  
  
"Poor baby," Rory cooed.  
  
"Her or me?"  
  
"Both of you. But aside from non-literary Lily, what else is new?" Rory asked.  
  
"Ouch, that was some ugly alliteration," Jess said and then cleared his throat. "Actually, it's been a little strange around here even without Lily getting in trouble."  
  
"Really?" Rory sounded curious. "How strange?"  
  
"I was sitting outside after work a around a week ago, and this totally random girl came up to me and said she'd drawn my portrait."  
  
"What?!" Mirth and shock radiated in that one word.  
  
"Yeah, that was pretty much my first reaction," Jess laughed. "Anyway, she wanted to use it in an art school application portfolio, and I let her."  
  
It was Rory's turn to laugh. "You're going to be part of her art school apps? Won't your scowling scare the admissions office?"  
  
"I'm reading," Jess protested. "There's nothing scary about that."  
  
"Unless it's Hemmingway."  
  
"Did Ernest wrong you in another life or something? Kill your puppy?"  
  
"You're not funny," Rory said dryly.  
  
"I never said I was," Jess told her. "And it's actually a pretty good drawing, especially after the second sitting."  
  
Rory made a strange noise. "Second sitting?"  
  
Jess swallowed heavily. There was no avoiding it now. "Yeah. Dana asked if she could meet with me again to clean up the portrait a little. She bought me to dinner afterward as payment."  
  
"Dinner? Like a date?" Rory wanted to know. She still sounded odd, hollow.  
  
"Not exactly. It was just a pizza," he said. "She just wanted to pay me for my time, and I wouldn't take her money."  
  
"Uh-huh. So, that's it then? You did her a favor and she paid you back?"  
  
He faltered for an answer. "Well, no more drawing, I don't think . . ."  
  
"But . . ." Rory prompted.  
  
"I'm having dinner with her again tomorrow."  
  
Rory sucked in a breath. "And that's a date." It wasn't a question, and it was evident in her tone that Rory wouldn't believe that it wasn't no matter what Jess said.  
  
"No, not really. It's just a friendly thing. Dana's really nice, and we had a lot to talk about other night. You'd like her. I like her." Almost immediately Jess wanted to take that back.  
  
"I see," Rory said icily. "I hope you have a nice time with her, but I have to go."  
  
Jess groaned. "Rory, come on! Don't do this; we had a deal." His plea fell on deaf ears. Rory had hung up on him . . . again. He stared at the buzzing phone in disbelief. This wasn't the way things were supposed to go. She was supposed to be understanding; that was what they had agreed to. Of course, if it had been Rory telling him that she had a sort-of-but- not-really-date, he might have had a very similar reaction. So maybe he couldn't blame her. But he didn't have to let her get away with it.  
  
"I told you that you were evil," Lily piped up from the table behind Jess.  
  
He turned and saw the girl's head buried in a book and her homework unfinished on the table. Reaching out, he pulled the hardcover book easily from her smaller hands. He shut it with a snap and hurled it into the living room. It opened as it fell through the air and landed face down with a thump, pages crumpling against the floor.  
  
"Hey!" Lily shrieked. "Literature abuse!"  
  
"Math." Jess shoved the worksheet back in front of her. "I mean it, Lil. Don't mess with me right now."  
  
She took up her pencil again with a huff. "I still hate you."  
  
"Right now, I really don't care." He sat across from her, throwing out stern looks when ever Lily glanced up. While she scribbled away, he tried to figure out what to do about his latest disastrous phone call. It began to be clear that, while he had a few options, only one thing could be done to try and save things with Rory with a minimum of pain for both of them.  
  
Ten minutes after she hung up on him, Jess called Rory back.  
  
"I give you enough time to have your little temper tantrum?" he asked when she answered. "I can call back in another ten if you're not finished stomping and pouting or whatever."  
  
"I did not stomp," Rory protested weakly. "There was no tantrum."  
  
"Uh-huh. Did you throw something?"  
  
"Perhaps."  
  
"Then it was a tantrum," Jess decreed.  
  
Rory huffed. "I was upset. I reacted . . . and now I feel foolish and childish and stupid."  
  
"Which is enough of an apology for me." He paused thoughtfully, deciding on whether or not to say something else in an attempt to appease her smarting feelings. It probably wouldn't hurt; it would be what he wanted if their roles were reversed. "I'm sorry this is so hard."  
  
"Me too," she sighed. "It's not that I don't want you to have friends and meet new people. I want you to be happy, Jess, I really do. It's just that I wish I could be the one to make you happy."  
  
"'You can't always get what you want,'" Jess sang softly.  
  
Rory laughed. "Don't sing. I hurt enough right now."  
  
"Hey, you think I'm bad? You should hear Jimmy butcher Cat Stevens."  
  
"Jimmy listens to Cat Stevens?" Rory forgot for a moment that she was upset with Jess. "I can't really picture that."  
  
Jess hummed in agreement. "Yeah, it was a weird moment when I caught him belting that out one afternoon."  
  
"Yikes." Rory was about to comment further when she remembered how she'd been feeling not even a minute before. "Hey, you changed the subject," she accused.  
  
"I was hoping you wouldn't notice." Jess sighed heavily. "I just don't know what else to say to you. I know you're mad, I know you're hurt, but there isn't anything else that we can do."  
  
"You can still come home," Rory tried to reason again. "There's still a place for you here."  
  
"Not this again," he groaned. "There's a place for me here too, Rory. A place that I've gotten together on my own. It isn't just about getting to know Jimmy anymore. It's about getting to know myself. I have to say here . . . probably not forever, but for now it's where I have to be."  
  
Rory was very quiet for a moment. "I don't think you've ever said it like that before. With that much intensity."  
  
"I probably haven't. But do you understand now?"  
  
"I understand why you're staying out there, why you won't come back . . . but I'm not going to be understanding about the dating, not right away. You've got to give me time to get used to that."  
  
"I will. I'd need that too . . . will need that eventually," Jess said softly.  
  
"What does that mean?" Rory wanted to know.  
  
"Well, I don't think you're planning on living as a spinster, are you? At some point you're going to date someone. And no matter what's going on in my life, that will be hard for me to hear."  
  
"We'll see," she told him. There was something in her tone that suggested that it wouldn't be his reaction they'd being looking for, it would be whether or not she dated at all.  
  
Jess cleared his throat, the seriousness of their conversation making his chest ache a little. "Just know that, whatever happens, you will always be more than special to me."  
  
Rory let out a shaky little whimper. "I love you, Jess."  
  
"I know you do. Good night, Rory."  
  
"Good night," she whispered and hung up for the second time.  
  
Blowing out his breath, Jess turned off the phone. He leaned forward on his knees and looked from the living room where he'd retreated when he'd called Rory back to the kitchen where Lily still sat working angrily on her homework. As Jess watched her, a small pained smiled tugged at his lips. He thought it must be nice to have your biggest worry be how many times nine went into one hundred and eighty-nine.  
  
**********  
  
Author's Notes the Second: I know that I have done something in this chapter that might upset some readers, but I want you all to know that I have this story planned out to the end and beyond. Just stick with me, and I promise it will all come together in the end. Thanks for reading and review if you've got the time. 


	16. Chapter 16

Author's Note: This chapter is a bit shorter than the previous few, but I wanted to get it up before the new episode this week.  
  
Going to take a moment here to heap praise on Juliana for the lovely BNFD wallpaper she created. Also going to thank Marion for wanting to archive me over at literationline. It's a wonderful site, and I'm honored to be included on it.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gilmore Girls. The chapter titles are Tom Petty's. If it's not recognizable from the show, well, that I own.  
  
**********  
  
Chapter Sixteen: Still Feel So Far Away  
  
August 2005  
  
Rory loved the fact that her summer internship had ended on the first of August. It gave her a few weeks to get things organized for the upcoming semester at Yale. Of course, she'd finished that within a few days, and now her time off just gave her a chance to be delightfully lazy. Rolling over, she tilted her alarm clock toward her and saw that it was a little before ten in the morning. Her mother would be long gone to another busy day at the inn. The Dragonfly was doing very well, and as the season moved into autumn things were only looking up. Rory made the decision to go over there later in the afternoon to lend a hand at the desk or in the kitchen. It was nice to see things finally going well for her mother when they'd been difficult for so long.  
  
With a happy sigh, Rory tumbled out of bed and went to the kitchen for coffee and Pop-Tarts to hold her over until she could make it to Luke's. While she was eating, she noticed the mail from the day before piled on a corner of the kitchen table. It had been late when she and Lorelai had returned from Friday dinner the night before, and neither one of them had felt like going through the pile of envelopes. But now, with nothing else handy to read, Rory pulled the stack to her and rifled through them. They were mostly bills addressed to Lorelai, but there were a couple with Rory's name on them. One was a credit card application form with a ridiculously high interest rate, and the other was a small square envelope with a familiar Boston address in the upper right corner.  
  
It was a letter from her father and Sherry.  
  
It had been ages since she'd really spoken to either of them. Or to Gigi. She must be old enough to talk now. Turning over the envelope, Rory loosened the flap and pulled out a pale purple card embossed with a simple silver heart. The inside of the card was filled with Sherry's precise writing. Rory skimmed the card with half-hearted interest. She was still hurt and angry over the way her father popped in and out of her life during his relationship with Sherry and his seeming cluelessness over the other woman's backhanded antagonism of Lorelai. Still, Rory felt some sense of obligation to read over the letter, to at least acknowledge that it had arrived.  
  
However, her lukewarm reception of the card quickly became burning interest. Three lines into the note the words 'another baby' leapt off the page and stopped Rory's heart. She frantically reread the opening of the letter, knot forming in her stomach, and couldn't believe what she was seeing. Christopher and Sherry, the woman who probably could not have been less excited about giving birth the first time, were having another baby.  
  
Rory stared at the lavender card again and felt the knot in her stomach grow even larger. Blindly, she reached across the table for her cell phone and jabbed at the speed dial. She blinked away the coming tears long enough to press the right key and waited. The phone rang five times before it was picked up on the other end.  
  
"Yeah?" The voice was slurred, sleepy, and definitely not Jess. At least, not unless he'd turned into a female in the last three weeks.  
  
The knot in Rory's stomach tightened and turned to ice. "I'm . . . I need . . . is Jess there?" she asked shakily.  
  
"Yeah," the voice slurred again. Then, to Rory's growing humiliation, there was a rustling of fabric and the distinct squeaking of bedsprings. The owner of the voice was in Jess's bed. The handful of seconds between the female voice over the phone and Jess's meant that he was in the bed with her.  
  
"What?" Jess's voice was raspy.  
  
Rory wanted to hang up. This wasn't making her feel better at all. She didn't know what she'd been thinking, calling Jess like this. Her mental anguish was broken off by his voice again.  
  
"Rory, that you?"  
  
"Yes," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I'll just let you go. I shouldn't have called this early."  
  
"Rory, it's okay," Jess insisted, now fully awake. "What's going on?"  
  
She didn't answer. Instead, she asked the question she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to. "Was that Dana?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Rory drew a sharp breath. "I didn't realize that the two of you were . . ."  
  
Jess cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Yeah, well . . . I'm sure that's not why you called. Is something wrong? I mean other than . . . this? You sound off."  
  
"It's really not a big deal. I'm sure you have plans with Dana or something."  
  
"She's already getting ready to leave, Rory," Jess said. "She's got to work today."  
  
"Oh." Rory didn't know what else to say. She'd known that Jess and Dana were seeing a lot of each other. Jess was adamant that Dana understood that he still had, and would always have, strong feelings for Rory.  
  
"So, what's wrong?  
  
The tears that Rory had been holding back suddenly spilled over. Between sobs, she managed to gasp out, "My dad's having another baby with Sherry."  
  
"Aw, shit," Jess sighed. "Rory, calm down. Please don't cry."  
  
She only cried harder. She tried to speak but could only make strangled gasping sounds as she continued to sob. Her chest burned with each shaking breath she took in, and eventually her body couldn't keep up with the demand for air to keep crying. Rory began to cough and hyperventilate.  
  
Jess began to panic. "Please, please calm down. You're going to make yourself sick, Rory. It'll be okay. Just put your head down and try to take a deep breath. It will be all right."  
  
Rory did as Jess said, pressing her forehead to her knees and trying to breathe deeply though her nose. It helped a little, as did Jess's continued litany in her ear that everything would be okay.  
  
"Thank you," she said as soon as she was able. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be sorry," Jess told her. "Just tell me what happened."  
  
"I don't know," Rory said sheepishly. "I got the letter from Sherry . . . she's almost five months pregnant, and they're just now telling me about it. I haven't had more than a 'hi, how are you' conversation with either of them in months. I just got so angry."  
  
He sighed on the other end of the line. "And I'm sure Dana answering my phone first thing in the morning didn't help any."  
  
"It's not your fault," Rory said quickly. "I mean, the two of you are together . . . you're allowed to . . . do things."  
  
"I'm not apologizing for my actions," Jess said. "I'm just sorry you had to find out that way."  
  
"Oh." She sat quietly at the kitchen table, breaking the remaining Pop- Tart in front of her into ever smaller pieces. "Were you planning on telling me?"  
  
"Don't know. I don't think you're supposed to tell someone you care about that you're sleeping with someone else."  
  
"Not unless you're on a daytime talk show." Rory felt the awkwardness of the conversation replacing her earlier pain. She suddenly didn't know what else to say. "Um, I think I'm going to go."  
  
"You sure?" Jess asked. "You're not keeping me from anything. I don't work 'til later, and I'm all alone here now."  
  
"No, I'm going to go. I'll call you sometime next week since this call was so short and out of the blue."  
  
"You don't have to do that."  
  
"I want to. I'll talk to you later, Jess"  
  
"Okay. Take care of yourself, Rory. It'll be okay."  
  
They hung up at the same time, and Rory realized that neither one of them had said good-bye. That had never happened before. She set down the phone and tried to figure out if it meant anything. When they were together, living in the same town, they often didn't say good-bye to each other. It was sort of understood that they'd be seeing each other again soon. But then again, Jess hadn't said good-bye when he'd left town, and she didn't think she'd ever see him again after that. So the fact that they hadn't said good-bye just now could go either way . . . or it could just mean nothing. Just a stupid slip, a coincidence.  
  
Rory's pondering came to and end when the cursed purple card caught her attention again. She picked it up and reread it against her better judgment. Maybe a second reading would make it easier to take.  
  
"Nope, still pisses me off," she muttered, stuffing it back into its envelope. "And now I have to hide it. If Mom sees it she'll go on some bizarre Anne Heche-ian crazy trip."  
  
Standing quickly, Rory went to her room and hid the letter between her mattress and box-spring. That taken care of, she snagged her bathrobe off the back of the door and resolved herself to trying to believe Jess's promises that everything would be fine. If she tried very hard, she might even be able to believe that all day.  
  
**********  
  
Jess rolled out of bed with a groan that promptly turned into a curse when he tripped over his belt and only just avoided falling on his ass. He kicked the belt away, stumbled into his shoes, ricocheted off the arm of the couch, and smashed his elbow into the door frame of the bathroom before making it to the sink. Rubbing a hand across his face, he looked up into the mirror and sighed at his haggard appearance.  
  
"Gonna be a long damn day," he growled, reaching into the shower and turning the water as hot as it would go.  
  
The water needled into his back as he tipped forward and rested his head against the back wall of the shower. His shoulders were tense, and he rolled them slightly, sighing when the joints popped. Jess had expected today to be rough; the end of the summer season at the Inferno always was, but . . .  
  
"Damn it." Pushing away from the wall, he finished his shower quickly.  
  
Jess wasn't sure if the clothes he pulled on after his shower were clean, but he didn't noticeably smell and was good enough. With a half-hearted wave to the guys in the body shop, Jess made his way to the Inferno. He'd served at least a dozen people before Lee grabbed his shoulder and steered him to the back of the kitchen area.  
  
"What are you doing here, man?" Lee asked.  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm working."  
  
"You're four hours early." The schedule board behind Lee's shoulder confirmed his statement.  
  
"Huh." Jess shrugged. "So I won't take pay until I'm scheduled. Whatever."  
  
Lee watched the smaller man walk back to the order window. "You're getting weirder than Jimmy," he hollered.  
  
Jess flipped Lee off behind his back and went back to work.  
  
An hour after his shift was supposed to have started, Jimmy and Lee physically forced Jess outside to take a break. Jess snarled at the two men and threw himself gloomily into one of the rickety chairs around the battered table that made up the break area. He sat there, staring at the toes of his shoes and feeling guilty. He'd been feeling guilty since he hung up with Rory. He knew he didn't have any reason to feel the way he did; it was perfectly within his rights to move on with someone else. And Rory knew that, claimed she was okay with it. Still, Jess felt uneasy that he had someone else to go to with his problems, but Rory still seemed to only have him to turn to. . . and Jess sort of liked it that way, which made him feel even worse. He sighed and put his head down on the table. A few moments later, the scraping of the chair next to him made him look up.  
  
"You look like crap," Lily commented as she sat down.  
  
"Thank you," Jess responded, "and watch your mouth. Your mom'll have my head on a pole if she hears you talking like that."  
  
Lily snorted. "Right. Like I picked that up from you."  
  
"Just don't, okay?"  
  
"Fine. What's the matter with you, anyway?"  
  
Jess scratched his hands through his hair. "Don't worry about it, Liliput. It's my problem."  
  
"I can't help?" She leaned forward hopefully, eager to be of any assistance to the man she'd come to idolize.  
  
"Not on this one. Sorry." Jess felt his mood plummet even further as Lily's face fell. "Next time. Promise."  
  
"All right," Lily sighed. "May I ask you a question?" When Jess nodded, she blushed and pulled the end of one of her pigtails to her mouth, chewing on it while she thought.  
  
He reached out and took the hair from her mouth. "You can't ask me something if your mouth is full. Besides, you keep doing that and you'll get a hairball." Jess expected an laugh or smile at that, not Lily to blurt out what she did.  
  
"Why do you have to date Dana?" Lily asked in a rush.  
  
Jess was a bit taken aback. "I thought you liked her?"  
  
"I do sometimes, but why do you have to date her? Why can't she just be your friend?"  
  
"I don't have to date her," Jess explained, "but I want to date her."  
  
Lily beat a fist against the table. "Why? Why do you want to?"  
  
He reached out and covered her smaller hand with his to keep her from smashing the table again. "What 's this all about, Lily?"  
  
The young girl wrenched her hand from under Jess's. "Don't you love Rory anymore?" she demanded to know.  
  
"Oh, god, I do not need this right now," Jess muttered under his breath. He reached for Lily's hand again only to have her bat it away.  
  
"Don't touch me." Tears filled Lily's eyes. "Rory loves you. You know she does. You have to love her back. That's how it works."  
  
"Life isn't that simple, Lil . . ."  
  
She burst into tears. "Yes it is! You just won't let it be!"  
  
Jess pulled Lily to him, not letting her fight him off this time. He pinned her to his side with a strong hug. "Lily, stop it. I don't know what brought this on, but I've had my fill of crying women today. What's the matter with you?"  
  
"I just want everything to be like it was last year," she sobbed. Her tears soaked into the shoulder of Jess's shirt as she finally gave up fighting him and let him try to comfort her.  
  
"Last year?" Jess was confused until the date came screaming into his head. One year ago at this time he'd been at home puking his guts out with nervousness over driving to the airport. "Rory was here last year. Is that what this is about?"  
  
Lily hiccuped. "It was fun when she was here. She was my friend. And you were around more."  
  
Tuning her toward him, Jess looked down at Lily's blotchy face. "Lil, I know this is hard for you to understand, but things can't go back to the way they were last year. Things change . . . there isn't anything that we can do about that."  
  
"I miss her. It's not the same when she writes to me or when I talk to her sometimes when she calls you."  
  
He sighed. "I know. It's not the same for me either." Sitting back in his chair, Jess smiled gently at Lily. "Just so you know, sometimes I wish things could be the way the were, too."  
  
She wiped at her face. "So, you do still love Rory?"  
  
Jess was reluctant to respond, and a blur of movement behind Lily kept him from having to answer.  
  
"Hey," Dana said uneasily as she approached the table. "Am I interrupting?"  
  
"Yes," Lily snapped, glaring icily at the other girl.  
  
"Lily," Jess warned, "don't." He pushed out the chair on his other side and nodded at Dana. "Sit?" he asked her.  
  
She did and leaned over to kiss him on the corner of his mouth. "I thought I'd come by for lunch. I didn't expect you to be on a break so soon."  
  
"I came in a little early," Jess told her.  
  
Lily huffed from his other side. "We were having a conversation," she said snidely.  
  
Dana looked startled by the acid in the little girl's tone. "I can go if you're in the middle of something..."  
  
"No," Jess said quickly. "Lily and I can finish our talk later."  
  
The girl grumbled something under her breath that Jess was sure he didn't want to understand. "I'm going to talk to Jimmy," she huffed and shoved stiffly away from the table.  
  
"She does not like me," Dana observed, watching Lily disappear into the back of the Inferno.  
  
"Not today, no," Jess agreed.  
  
"Did I do something?"  
  
"No, I did." Jess sighed and then tried to shake his depression off. "You said you came for lunch. What can I go get you?" He made a move to stand up, but Dana pulled him back down.  
  
"I'm not that hungry," she said. "Talk to me instead."  
  
He eyed her skeptically. "Ah...it's a nice day," he stated lamely.  
  
She rolled her eyes at him. "Dork. Tell me why Rory called this morning?"  
  
Jess stiffened and pulled his forearm from Dana's still clutching fingers. He may have become more comfortable with talking about certain areas of his and Rory's relationship with Dana, but that comfort didn't extend to the content of their phone calls. Those were still special to him . . . almost sacred.  
  
"It's not any thing you have to worry about," he said shortly to Dana, his eyes narrowing to indicate that the subject was closed.  
  
Dana held up her hands in surrender. "Fine, fine. You don't have to tell me. I just thought she sounded upset, and I just wanted you to tell her I'm sorry if my answering the phone this morning made it worse."  
  
"I don't think it made it worse, but I'll tell her."  
  
"Jess, come on! It had to make it worse. If I called up the man I was in love with and another woman answered the phone it would definitely make me feel worse. Even if I wasn't upset to begin with it would make me feel worse."  
  
He shook his head, "Rory's not still in love with me. We're just friends now."  
  
"Bullshit," Dana snorted. "She's still in love with you, and you're still in love with her." Jess started to contradict her, but she cut him off. "It's okay, you know. "I've never thought you were in love with me. So even if I might consider myself sort of in love with you . . . well, that's just something I have to deal with."  
  
Jess found himself staring over at Dana, eyes wide and mouth hanging slightly open. He knew that she was more emotionally involved in things than he was, but it had never occurred to him that she had fallen in love with him. "Um . . . that's . . . I do care about you, Dana," he finally managed to get out.  
  
"I know you do. Just not quite the way I want you to."  
  
"It's complicated."  
  
"So you've said before. You don't have to try to explain it to me again. I'm pretty happy with the way things are right now. If I weren't, I wouldn't stick around."  
  
"I just want to make sure that you aren't going to hang around and expect my feelings to suddenly change, because I can't promise that that will ever happen," Jess told her.  
  
Dana shrugged. "Whatever happens is going to happen, right? And if I ever get tired of hanging around, I'll go. You don't have to worry about that."  
  
"Just so were on the same page," he said.  
  
She laughed. "Well, maybe not the same page, but facing pages at least." Looking down at her watch, Dana stood up. "I should get back to work."  
  
Jess stood up as well. "Yeah, me too." He dipped down and kissed the bridge of her nose. "I'll call you tomorrow."  
  
"Okay." Reaching up, Dana affectionately caressed Jess's cheek before turning and leaving.  
  
He watched her disappear down the boardwalk before turning himself and heading back to the aptly named interior of the Inferno, his head spinning with all the new complications that one afternoon had presented to him.  
  
**********  
  
The following Thursday, Jess picked up the phone in Jimmy and Sasha's kitchen and dialed Rory's number. She had yet to call him back, and he was a little concerned about her after her last call. But he didn't want to assault her with another emotional call right away, so he handed the phone over to Lily while it was still ringing and went back to rinsing the dinner dishes. A small smile graced his lips when Lily chirped hello and began to bounce around the kitchen behind him, chattering about going back to school and the books she'd been reading lately. Tuning out the giggles and excited talking going on, Jess finished the dishes and carefully stacked them away. However, when he turned around he immediately wished he'd been paying more attention to what Lily had been saying.  
  
". . . kind of weird, and she's not as nice or smart as you are. She doesn't even know that there are three Bronte sisters."  
  
"Lily!" Jess snapped. He gestured for the phone with a scowl on his face.  
  
"Jess is doing that angry eyebrow thing. I have to go." Lily snarled and kicked out at Jess when he tried to take the phone from her. "Bye, Rory. I'll write you a letter and tell you all kinds of other stuff." With another angry grumble, she finally handed the handset over to Jess.  
  
"Hey," he said into the phone.  
  
Rory was laughing. "Hi. That was a fun little talk I just had."  
  
"I'm sure. Lily's marking the anniversary of your visit by lashing out at everything in my life that she thinks is taking your place."  
  
"And Dana fits that description quite well in her eyes. I can't say I don't agree with her," Rory said.  
  
Jess sighed and dropped his chin to his chest. This was going to be another emotional call but not in the way he expected. "Dana isn't taking your place, Rory. She doesn't even come close to taking your place."  
  
"Really? That's not what it sounded like the other morning."  
  
"Ah, jeez. It isn't like that."  
  
"So you're not sleeping with her?" Rory asked.  
  
"Well, yeah, but it's not replacing you."  
  
She huffed and swallowed. "What is it then?"  
  
"Rory . . ."  
  
"No, tell me. I really want to know."  
  
Turning one of the kitchen chairs around, Jess straddled it and rested his forehead on the back of the chair. "I'm lonely, Rory. That' s what it is. I'm lonely, and Dana helps to fill the void a little bit."  
  
"And you have to have sex with her for that?" Tears were starting to put a crack in Rory's voice.  
  
"I don't have to, but I . . . I missed it, I guess," Jess admitted.  
  
A wild, high-pitched, sarcastic laugh ripped across the phone line. "Missed it?! You missed it?"  
  
His anger flared in proportion to Rory's hysteria. "Don't get like this! You can't tell me that you don't miss it too! Miss having someone to lean against when you walk down the street, the way another person's warmth makes you feel on a rainy afternoon, the way someone's skin feels under your hands or how their arms feel around your back . . ."  
  
"Of course I do!" Rory gulped back a few sobs and, with her voice still shaking, asked, "Do you think about me when you're in bed with her?"  
  
"No," Jess responded quickly. "No, that wouldn't be fair to Dana or you or me."  
  
Her breath came in sharp bursts of static. "Thank you for your honesty," she finally choked out.  
  
"I don't love her if that's any consolation," he told Rory quietly.  
  
"Yeah . . . not really." Rory sighed. "Maybe it will later, but right now it's a little hard to hear that you can be that close with someone and not love them. Makes me wonder how you feel about me."  
  
Jess felt his eyes welling up, and there was nothing he could do about it. "You don't ever have to wonder about that. I'll always love you."  
  
"That would be easier to believe if I didn't know you were curling up with someone else at night," Rory snapped.  
  
Jess chose not to respond to that. He felt it had already been talked to death between them. "I think it would be easier for both of us if you would even consider dating another person. It's not like you have to fall in love and marry the guy, but at least go out and live that part of your life."  
  
"I hate it when you say that. You have no idea how hard this is for me!" Rory insisted.  
  
"It's just as hard for me! I pulled myself together and did it though. It wasn't easy . . . shit, I went to Jimmy for advice about it. But I did it, and it's not perfect, but it's better than sitting at home by the phone all the time."  
  
"Jess, I'm not like you. I can't just go out and do that."  
  
"You won't even try, Rory. It's been a year; it's really time to let go a little, or . . ." Jess stopped himself, an ultimatum on the tip of his tongue. He really didn't want have to resort to that, to cutting her off if she couldn't accept the way things were.  
  
"Or what?" she asked.  
  
He scrambled for an answer that wasn't the harsh choice he'd thought of a moment before. "Or you're going to drive us both crazy and farther apart."  
  
"I . . . I . . . I don't know if I can. But I'll try," she said softly. "I will try."  
  
"Good," Jess said just as quietly.  
  
"I'm going to hang up now. Good bye, Jess."  
  
"I'll talk to you later. Bye." He clicked off the phone and gently put it away.  
  
On the other end of the line, Rory hung up just as gently and wiped tears from her cheeks. She'd thought that her father having another child would be the hardest news she would have to face for a while, but she was wrong. Hearing that Jess had a new girlfriend, one that was sharing his life and his bed, made her heart ache. It also hurt whenever he urged her to move on to someone else. She knew that it was ridiculous to sit at home alone every night, but if she didn't date it made it easier to believe that one day Jess would come back to her. If she were to date someone new it would be like admitting that her romantic relationship with Jess was really over. That was the last thing she wanted to do . . . but Jess was right. If she kept trying to hold onto him, it was only going to push him away. Sighing, she looked over at the clock. It wasn't quite nine o'clock yet.  
  
Rory picked up the phone and dialed. "Hi, Grandma. I hope I'm not calling too late, but I was wondering if you still had that phone number? The one for your friend's grandson. I think I'd like to give him a call."  
  
**********  
  
Author's Note the Second: I'm thinking this story will cap out at about twenty chapters, so be on the look out for things to be wrapping up, with a few twists of course. Things are crazy around here with the planning of a 60th birthday party for my dad, so time for writing is limited right now. Be patient and leave a review. They really are great motivators. 


	17. Chapter 17

Author's Note: Much thanks to everyone who helped to put me over 200 reviews! That more than surpasses the response I thought I'd get when I first started posting.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gilmore Girls. The chapter title is paraphrased song lyrics from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. If it's not recognizable from the show, well, that I own.

* * *

Chapter Seventeen: Had It Good . . . Want It Better  
  
December 2005  
  
The phone was ringing mercilessly, piercing through Rory's head. With an exasperated groan, she shoved open her bedroom door and shouted into the living area of the suite.  
  
"Paris, answer the phone!"  
  
"I can't," came the shrill reply. "I'm studying!"  
  
"So am I! If I stop here, I'll lose my train of thought and this paragraph won't come out right!"  
  
"I'm not exactly doodling bunnies over here!" Paris called back. "Besides, you're closer to the phone!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I counted. Your room is four steps closer to the phone!"  
  
Rory shoved away from her desk and stormed into the living room. "Paris, that is the most asinine thing I've ever heard! And I don't even think it's true!"  
  
Paris's head appeared around her door frame. "It's not. But now that you're up, get the phone."  
  
"Evil!" Rory sighed as Paris only smirked and went back to studying. Grabbing the phone, she issued a terse, "Hello?"  
  
"What else are you hiding from me?"  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"Do you know what's in the special sauce or the secret behind The Colonel's eleven herbs and spices?" Lorelai was sounding distinctly hysterical and irate, never a good combination.  
  
Rory sank down on the sofa, bewildered. "Mom, what are you talking about?"  
  
"I'm talking about you not telling me that Christopher and Sherry are having another baby!"  
  
"How did you find out about that?" Rory wanted to know. She'd been very careful to keep that information from her mother. Of course, that didn't mean that she couldn't have found out from Emily or another member of the Hartford circle.  
  
"Certainly not from anyone who trusted me enough to not freak out," Lorelai snarled. "I found their letter in your room. Rory, she's almost five months pregnant! Did you really think I wouldn't find out somehow?"  
  
Rory'd had enough of being snapped at. "Well, Mom, you really didn't. I got that letter in August, so Sherry's more like eight months along by now."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"And you really are freaking out," Rory continued to justify, "so I think not telling you was sort of the right way to go, here. And what were you doing looking under my mattress anyway?"  
  
"I was looking for one of my shoes," Lorelai said. "That's not important. What's important is that you lied to me."  
  
"How would your shoe get under my mattress?"  
  
"Stop changing the subject, Rory. How could you not tell me about this?"  
  
"Because I didn't want this to happen! And it's not my place to tell you; it's Dad's. He's the one you should be yelling at."  
  
"Yeah, well, I called Chris, but he wasn't home," Lorelai pouted. "Why wasn't I important enough to tell?"  
  
Rory sighed. "I can't speak for Dad, but I didn't tell you because you're important. I didn't want you to flip out like you're doing now."  
  
Lorelai sighed dramatically. "You still should have told me."  
  
"I know. I'm sorry, but I was just so upset when I found out; I didn't know what to say to you."  
  
"Have you talked to Chris lately?"  
  
"Yeah," Rory said after some hesitation. "He called the other night again. And I had to talk to Sherry, lucky me."  
  
"She still disgustingly perky and organizing her pregnancy down to the last millisecond?" Lorelai asked with a laugh.  
  
Rory laughed too. "She's trying, but I don't think she's having quite as easy a time as she did with Gigi."  
  
"I still think she's setting that kid up to be a stripper with that name."  
  
"She's already got her in dance lessons," Rory confirmed. "So maybe she'll be more like a 'Flashdance' arty exotic dancer than a birthday cake jumping bump and grind kind of girl."  
  
"Nah, let's hope not."  
  
"Mom!" Rory tried valiantly to be offended on Gigi's behalf but failed miserably and started laughing a moment later. "It's still not a nice thing to say about such a little girl."  
  
Lorelai's laughter slowly tapered off. "Let Mommy have her fun, sweetie. She's trying not to spiral into depression."  
  
"Okay," Rory promised, "but at least they don't want to see you. Dad asked me to come visit soon."  
  
"And you told him 'no' right away, right?"  
  
Hesitating again, Rory answered, "I told him I'd think about it." She held her breath, waiting for her mother to yell or cry or become hysterical again.  
  
It didn't happen. "As long as you think it through. Don't let him guilt you into doing something you don't want to do," Lorelai said evenly.  
  
"Who are you and what have you done to my mother?" Rory demanded.  
  
"Still me, babe. Promise," Lorelai swore. "But maybe, just maybe, I learned my lesson in trying to tell you what to do about Jess. I don't want us to fight like that again."  
  
Rory smiled and sighed happily. "Me either. I'll let you know when I decide what I'm going to do, okay?"  
  
"Okay. I'll let you go back to your books. Study hard."  
  
"I will. I love you, Mom."  
  
"Love you, too, Rory. Bye-bye."  
  
"Bye," Rory said and hung up. She was going to replace the cordless phone but instead crept across the room and quietly set the phone just to the side of Paris's door . . . just in case.  
  
Later that evening, Rory looked up from her books and winced at the crick in her neck. She massaged the nape of her neck and sighed. It was dark outside now, the entire Saturday had been spent at her desk. The only consolation was that it was December and not May, so there was little temptation to go outside. Getting up with a creak, Rory shuffled into the main room of the suite and over to the small refrigerator. Several slices of leftover pizza were waiting there to appease her rumbling stomach. Retrieving them and munching happily, Rory spotted the phone still laying near Paris's door. Rory bent, picked it up, and took it back to her room. She swallowed the last bite of the pizza she'd nearly inhaled and dialed at the same time.  
  
"Yeah?" Jess asked when he finally picked up on the other end.  
  
"Hey," Rory replied, "I wasn't sure if you were going to be home on a Saturday night."  
  
"I am home," he confirmed.  
  
"No exciting plans with Dana tonight?" Rory was genuinely interested and not asking out of some sense of obligation. She wasn't going to be close friends with Dana anytime soon, but she was a lot more comfortable with the other woman's presence in Jess's life.  
  
Jess sighed wearily. "Nope. She's at a birthday party for her grandmother. I politely refused to go. That family hates me, and the feeling is more than mutual."  
  
Rory laughed. "They can't be that bad."  
  
"Right," he scoffed. "Neither one of my jobs requires me to wear a suit and carry a briefcase. As far as they're concerned, I am Satan incarnate, and I'm continuing to lead their precious little girl astray by encouraging her art."  
  
"Well, didn't you know art was the road to Hell? You evil, evil man, you."  
  
"Stop mocking me."  
  
"But it's so much fun," Rory protested.  
  
"Don't make me start," Jess warned.  
  
"Start what? What have I done that mock-worthy lately?" she wanted to know.  
  
Jess's smirk was audible. "How's the boyfriend? What's his name again?"  
  
Rory groaned. She'd finally started dating, and it had made dealing with her separation from Jess easier. But unlike her, Jess dealt the with his resulting conflicting emotions by making snide jokes and comments instead of crying and screaming. "I knew I never should've told you about him. He's fine by the way."  
  
"Uh-huh. That's good, but what's his name?"  
  
"You know his name, Jess. I've told you at least a dozen times before."  
  
"But I keep forgetting," he continued to tease.  
  
Rory sighed but it was mirthful and not maudlin. "I hate you, and I'm sure if he ever met you Sigmund would hate you too."  
  
Jess couldn't contain a snicker. "Sigmund! That's it; I don't know why I can never remember that."  
  
"Because you get some kind of bizarre pleasure in tormenting me," Rory reminded him.  
  
"Maybe I do," he agreed. "Perhaps you can have Siggy psychoanalyze me sometime."  
  
"He's studying business, not psychology. You need to find a new joke."  
  
"But that one's still funny," Jess protested.  
  
Rory snorted. "Only to you."  
  
He laughed and protested, "Nah, it's funny to Jimmy, too."  
  
"Then you can inform him that I hate him as well," Rory mock-huffed. She flopped back on her bed and grinned as Jess continued to laugh softly in her ear. A small tendril of guilt wrapped around her throat when she noticed the array of movie tickets she'd saved from dates with Sigmund tacked to her bulletin board. Rolling to her other side, Rory pushed those thoughts out of her mind and focused again on what Jess was saying.  
  
". . . things with your dad?" was the end of the question he'd been asking.  
  
"I'm not sure what to do there," she sighed. "Mom just found the letter I tried to hide from her; she knows Sherry's pregnant now. She didn't take it well."  
  
"I told you it was a stupid idea to try and hide it from her."  
  
"I know, I know. I just didn't know what to say, and then it sort of got too late to say anything."  
  
Jess sighed and made an agreeable noise in his throat. "Yeah, I understand, but you still should have told her or told your dad to tell her. I sort of feel like the voice of experience on what happens when you wait too long to tell people things."  
  
"Yeah," Rory whispered, thinking back on all the things Jess should have told her, or she should have told him, when they happened instead of letting them fester and erupt. She stayed silent and tried to swallow down the guilt that was creeping up again.  
  
"I didn't make you cry again, did I?" Jess asked, guilt of his own roughening his voice.  
  
"No," she assured him, "I was just thinking about things."  
  
"Good or bad things?" he wanted to know.  
  
"Confusing things," she finally admitted. "I just have so much on my mind right now . . . it's been a long day."  
  
"Anything I can do?"  
  
Rory sighed heavily and curled tighter into a ball on the bed. "I don't know; it doesn't really have anything to do with you for once," she half- lied. She was feeling more than a little bad about confiding in Jess when she couldn't tell the same things to her boyfriend. "It's just this mess with my mom and Dad and Sherry. And it's just going to get messier."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"They want me to visit them before the baby's born. It would have to be right after Christmas," Rory said quietly. "I don't want to go, to see them as a family, but I don't want to hurt my dad any more than I already have, but then there's Mom's feelings. She said it was my decision, but . . . . I don't know what to do."  
  
Jess spoke evenly and with much more wisdom than he or Rory expected. "I think you have to go see your dad, Rory. Show them that even though it hurts, you can put it past you and be an adult even when they can't seem to."  
  
"Be the bigger person and shove it in their faces?" Rory asked.  
  
"Well, I was trying not to say it that way, but yes," Jess agreed. "It can only be as horrible as you let it be,"  
  
"You don't know my dad or Sherry, Jess. She doesn't much care what anyone else has in mind. Everything has to be her way or no way."  
  
"Okay. So, if she really gets to you, you can always do what I'd do."  
  
Rory laughed, "Something petty that she won't notice for awhile, but when she does will really make her mad?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
She laughed harder. "Did you have any suggestions?"  
  
Jess was silent in thought for a moment. "Steal her cell phone and make long distance calls 'til the battery dies?"  
  
"Wow, that's kinda lame for you. I was expecting something much grander," Rory told Jess.  
  
"Yeah, I think I need to spend less time with Lily. I'm regressing to a ten-year-old's sense of revenge." Jess sighed and sounded a little ashamed of himself. "Last week I licked my finger and stuck it in a cupcake so no one else would eat it."  
  
"My mother still does that," Rory revealed with a giggle.  
  
"I rest my case," Jess said with finality.  
  
Rory sobered suddenly. "Oh, god, what am I going to tell my mom? She's going to hate me going to Boston."  
  
"Lorelai will understand, I think. It's not like you want to come visit me again," he said dryly.  
  
"True. She'd really hate that."  
  
"Yeah, I might turn you into an artist bound for damnation."  
  
"That would probably require me to have some kind of artistic talent," Rory reminded him.  
  
Jess laughed. "Good point. I've seen you draw. Not pretty."  
  
"Yeah, well, I don't remember you even being in an art class," she shot back.  
  
"And I'm not taking one now."  
  
"What?" Rory asked. "What does that mean, not taking one now?"  
  
"I've been taking a couple of classes at the community college this semester. English, composition, nothing that exciting."  
  
"Jess! Why didn't you say anything? That's great!"  
  
"Ah, jeez, stop," Jess groaned. "I have enough cheerleaders out here. I don't need you doing it too. Sasha and Lily won't shut up about how proud they are; Dana made me put my first A on my refrigerator and dug it out of the trash every time I tried to get rid of it."  
  
"That's kind of sweet," Rory admitted reluctantly.  
  
"No, it's kind of annoying," he protested. "I'm a little afraid of what might happen if I get an A on a final. If there are streamers I won't be responsible for my actions."  
  
Rory mewled in disappointment. "You just can't let anyone be happy for you, can you?"  
  
"Only in very small doses, and they've all been used up this year."  
  
"Year's almost over," she told him. "A few more weeks and you'll have to let us be happy for you again."  
  
He groaned. "Yeah, yeah, until about February when my patience runs out again. Anyway, I should let you go. We've both got finals to study for."  
  
"Ack, more studying. Just what I want to do," Rory grumbled.  
  
Jess agreed, "Yeah, tell me about it. I can't believe I'm willingly putting myself through it this time."  
  
"At least if you're paying for it out of your own pocket you're more inclined to go to class, right?"  
  
"In theory, sure. In practice? Not so much."  
  
"Jess! You have to go to classes!" Rory's voice rose sharply. The last thing she wanted was for Jess to languish and fail again.  
  
"Rory!" he mimicked. "I'm going to class. Chill. It's just so much fun to get a rise out of you."  
  
"Well, don't. I've got enough to worry about without adding you to the list."  
  
"Fine," he acquiesced, "I'll stop for now. Just relax, okay? Let me know how things go with your dad."  
  
"I will," Rory promised. "You study hard, now. Make us proud," she teased.  
  
"Sure thing, Mom," Jess sniped back. "I'll talk to you later."  
  
"Bye," Rory said and waited for the dial tone to sound in her ear before hanging up herself. The phone fell with a plop to the mattress next to her, and she twisted her head to look over at the desk. It was a miracle it hadn't toppled over under the weight of all the books and papers piled on top of it. Sighing, she took up the phone again.  
  
"Hi, Mommy. I have something I want to tell you," Rory said when it was picked up on the other end.  
  
"And what's that Daughter?" Lorelai asked, sounding much calmer than she had earlier.  
  
"After Christmas, I'm going to visit Dad and Sherry."  
  
Lorelai drew in a sharp breath. "You mean like a day trip?"  
  
"No," Rory drawled. "I thought I'd stay a few days . . . maybe for New Year's. I haven't talked to Dad yet, so I don't know what their plans are. Nothing's set in stone or anything."  
  
"I see," Lorelai said, her attempts to remain calm apparent over the phone. "Well, if that's what you want to do."  
  
"Mom, don't be mad. I just don't . . . he's my dad," Rory said feebly.  
  
"I know, babe. And I'm not mad, really I'm not." Lorelai sighed. "I just didn't think you'd make a decision so soon."  
  
"Yeah, well, I talked to Jess, and . . ."  
  
"Jess," Lorelai broke in, "I see. So that's reason one hundred and twelve on my 'Why I Hate Jess' list."  
  
"Mom, don't. He just helped me sort it out; he didn't tell me what to do. Anyway, if it's awful, I can just find some way to irritate Sherry. I'll teach Gigi the macarena or get her hooked on pork rinds or something."  
  
Lorelai broke into giggles. "That's my girl!"  
  
"I try," Rory giggled back. "But I should get back to studying. I just wanted you to know what I was planning on doing right away so we could avoid another fight."  
  
"I appreciate that, but don't think it lets you off the hook for hiding that letter. We're still going to have a talk about that when you're done with finals."  
  
"Okay," Rory sighed. "I love you, Mom."  
  
"Love you too, sweetie," Lorelai said and then hung up the phone.  
  
Rory hung up for the second time that night and debated making a third call to Christopher and Sherry. Ultimately deciding that she didn't have the energy for such a call, Rory went back to her books. At least they wouldn't gush false thanks all over her for paying attention to them like Sherry would.

* * *

December 29, 2005  
  
Rory made a dash for the bathroom and frantically clicked the lock in place. Leaning back against the closed door and sinking to the floor, she flipped open her cell phone and dialed swiftly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Oh, my god, this is awful!"  
  
Jess laughed. "What happened?"  
  
"My dad is working late, and Sherry won't leave me alone," Rory wailed. "She keeps wanting to show me how swollen her ankles are and to ask me if I think her stretch marks are getting worse."  
  
"What?" Jess sounded horrified.  
  
"It's as bad as you're imagining," Rory whimpered. "When she had Georgia, she barely gained any weight anywhere other than her stomach, but this time she's blown up like a parade balloon. And she keeps wanting me to look at different swollen body parts and assure her that they'll go back to normal and that she's not fat."  
  
"Okay, you said she was weird; you didn't tell me she was crazy."  
  
"Didn't I? My mistake. She's completely batshit. Now you know."  
  
Jess faked a gasp. "Rory Gilmore, did you just swear?"  
  
"Yes, yes I did," Rory said without remorse. "See what this woman has reduced me to?"  
  
"Then why don't you just go home?" he asked.  
  
"I promised Gigi I'd stay for New Year's Eve. I can't just up and leave," Rory said. "She's my little sister."  
  
"That you've seen, what, twice?" Jess wanted to know. "You don't owe the kid; you hardly know her."  
  
"Yeah, and that's partially my fault." A knocking behind Rory's head caused her to look up. The doorknob rattled ominously.  
  
"Rory?" Sherry asked from the hall. "Are you in there, honey? I need you to look at something for me."  
  
"Just a minute, and I'll be right there," Rory responded weakly. Into the phone she hissed, "God, what now? An hour ago she asked me if her knees were uneven. What can I possibly have left to look at?"  
  
"You won't know unless you go out there," Jess told her.  
  
Rory whimpered again. "I don't wanna go! You go for me."  
  
He laughed. "That's gonna be a neat trick with me on another coast. Can't you just call Sigmund and have him come rescue you?"  
  
"We've only been dating for a couple of months. It's way too soon to subject him to the horrors of my step-family. Besides, he's at home in Indianapolis."  
  
"Then it looks like you're going to have to suffer for a few more days."  
  
She heaved a sigh. "Looks like. Pray that I won't be permanently scarred. Or that she doesn't snap and kill me during one of her mood swings."  
  
"I'll get right on that," he laughed.  
  
Reaching up and unlocking the door, Rory tried to force her face into a cheerful expression. "Bye."  
  
Exiting the bathroom cautiously, Rory looked toward the living room and saw Sherry's feet propped up on the couch. Gigi was sitting on the floor and caught sight of Rory. The toddler waved frantically, grinning broadly at Rory. Steeling herself, Rory waved back and went into the living room to play with the beaming girl. At least one member of the Tinsdale-Hayden household was proving to be relatively sane.

* * *

Jess hung up the phone, still laughing quietly. A scratching noise from the couch made him turn his head.  
  
"Don't move," Dana commanded. "I'm almost done."  
  
Jess moved anyway. "Quit drawing me."  
  
"Well, I have to now," she grumbled. "You couldn't have stood there for two more minutes?"  
  
"You've drawn me more times than I can count. You don't need me to stand still for you anymore," he said flopping down next to her and look at the drawing. "You sketched me on the phone?"  
  
Dana smudged a few lines and shrugged. "You're always on the phone. And how is Rory tonight?"  
  
"She's fine," he said, missing the irritated tone in Dana's voice. "Her step-mother is driving her crazy."  
  
"Mmmm, that's too bad."  
  
Jess leaned back and looked at Dana, finally noticing the tension in her neck and shoulders. "What's wrong?"  
  
Dana shook her head, ponytail swinging wildly. "Nothing. It's nothing."  
  
"Then look at me."  
  
She turned and broke under Jess's questioning stare. "Why don't you want to spend New Year's Eve with me?"  
  
"It's not that I don't want to," he said, "but Jimmy and Sasha couldn't find a sitter. I volunteered. I didn't think it would be that big a deal. You know you can come with me."  
  
"And listen to Lily go on and on about Rory? Thanks, but I'll pass."  
  
Jess groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. "So this isn't about New Year's; this is about Rory."  
  
"What if it is?" Dana snapped. "I'm tired of being second to phone calls."  
  
"You knew when we started seeing each other how things were, and you were okay with that!" he snarled.  
  
"It's not okay anymore! I love you, Jess," Dana cried. "And you don't seem to care!"  
  
He shoved to his feet and paced across the room. "It's not that I don't care. I do care about you, a lot, but I can't make myself feel something that I don't. You don't want me to lie to you, do you?"  
  
"No." She sighed and folded up her sketch pad. "I'm leaving."  
  
"Yeah, okay," Jess said. "We can talk about this later."  
  
Dana shook her head. "No, I mean that I'm leaving for good."  
  
"What?" Jess was dumbstruck. He knew it the back of his mind that this would happen someday, but he wasn't expecting it like this.  
  
"I got accepted into this really great art program in Chicago," she revealed. "They're giving me a scholarship and everything. I start next semester, the end of January."  
  
"When were you planning on telling me?"  
  
"I was going to wait until after the first of the year, but I just can't any longer. I think I need to have some time away from you before I leave." Dana swallowed and stood shakily. "So, I'm going to go, and I'm not coming back."  
  
Jess slumped against the wall near the door. He could only watch silently as Dana collected her things and crossed to the door. Before she could turn the knob, he reached out and grasped her wrist gently.  
  
"Good luck at school," he said softly. Leaning down, he brushed a soft kiss against her lips. "I will miss you."  
  
"I'll miss you, too." Dana reached up and cupped Jess's cheek. "I hope get her back someday, Jess. I think it's the only way you'll be happy."  
  
He blushed and dropped his eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy. I hope you can find someone who will really appreciate how special you are."  
  
Dana smiled and bushed her thumb over Jess's lips one last time before she pulled the door open and disappeared down the stairs.  
  
Jess stared at the closed door for a long moment before turning and stumbling over to his bed. He collapsed onto it and looked up that ceiling, thinking about what Dana had said. Time and time again he'd tried to convince himself that he would eventually find happiness with out Rory, but maybe . . .just maybe . . . that would prove to be impossible.

* * *

Author's Note the Second: I know this chapter was a bit boring; the next one will be better. Reviews are appreciated as always.  



	18. Chapter 18

I made a small allusion to Jess's final episode of S4. If you've not seen the episode and know nothing about it, it likely won't be noticeable. More notes at end.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Gilmore Girls. The chapter title is paraphrased song lyrics from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. If it's not recognizable from the show, well, that I own.

* * *

Chapter Eighteen: Saw You Dancing All Alone  
  
October 2006  
  
Rory sighed contentedly and curled deeper into Sigmund's side. They were camped on the couch in his apartment watching a Kevin Bacon movie marathon. She loved lazy afternoons like this, gloomy Saturdays spent together in front of the television. Or at least she loved them until his hands started to wander toward places she wasn't comfortable with him touching . . . like they were doing now.  
  
"Don't," she said quietly, brushing his hand off of the inside of her thigh.  
  
Sigmund exhaled sharply but complied. He sat quietly next to her for about ten minutes, but then his hand trailed up her leg again, and he nuzzled behind her ear. His other hand started to slip up her ribcage.  
  
Rory jerked and pushed him away, rising to her feet and stepping away from the couch. "I told you not to do that," she snapped. "Why can't we just sit together anymore without you pawing at me?"  
  
"All we ever do is sit together," Sigmund protested. "Why won't you let me touch you?"  
  
"I . . . I'm just not ready. It's not right," she told him. "I just can't."  
  
He sighed and leaned his head on the back of the couch. "We've been together for, like, a year. Are you ever going to be ready for me to touch you?"  
  
"I don't know," Rory mumbled, kicking at the dingy shag carpeting. "It's complicated."  
  
"Why is it complicated?" he asked. "Are you scared? 'Cause you don't have to be. I'll be careful with you; it doesn't have to hurt."  
  
It took her a few moments to figure out what he meant, and then she felt horribly guilty. "Oh, you think that . . . I guess I haven't talked about . . ." she trailed off, reluctant to finish. She'd mentioned Jess to Sigmund only in passing, painting her relationship with Jess merely as a long-distance friendship, and she was frightened to reveal the true nature of her feelings. The rumble of Sigmund's voice brought her out of her fretful thoughts and back into the situation at hand.  
  
"What haven't you talked about?" he asked carefully, shaking his platinum hair out of his eyes as he walked forward and took her by the shoulders. "What are you trying to say?"  
  
The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them, and Rory cringed when they hit her own ears. "I'm not a virgin."  
  
Sigmund's eyes betrayed his surprise for the briefest moment, but he hid it quickly and steered Rory back to the couch. He sat her down and carefully knelt in front of her on the floor. "It's okay. Did something happen? Did someone do something to you? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Were you . . . ?"  
  
Rory's eyes fluttered shut at his overflowing concern, and she shook her head quickly. "No, no it wasn't like that." She reached out and rested a hand on Sigmund's shoulder. "Do you remember me talking about my friend Jess sometimes?"  
  
"Yes," was the simple answer. Sigmund urged her on with a nod of his head.  
  
"Jess and I . . . we used to be more than friends when we were in high school."  
  
Relief flooded Sigmund's bright green eyes, and he sat back on his heels. "And the two of you slept together. Well, all right. That's . . . that's far less serious than I thought."  
  
"That's not quite what happened," Rory told him. "In high school, Jess was different from what I was used to, more rebellious, darker."  
  
"So you fell for the bad boy," Sigmund laughed. "Happens to a lot of girls. It's nothing to be embarrassed about."  
  
"I'm not embarrassed," she defended. "Just let me finish. We fought a lot, Jess and I, mostly about him keeping secrets and me sometimes expecting him to be something he wasn't. Anyway, he took off after one of our arguments . . . he got into a fist fight with my ex-boyfriend and a couple of days later he just up and left without saying a word."  
  
Sigmund sat down hard on the floor, looking up at Rory with his eyebrows raised. "And you're still friends with this guy because?  
  
"Because six months after he disappeared he sent me a letter telling me that he loved me. And, as much as I was hurt, I loved him too, so we started talking again. Well, mostly yelling at first, but eventually talking, and that following summer I went to visit him. That's when we slept together."  
  
"Okay, let me see if I've got this straight," Sigmund said with a bewildered blink. "You and Jess dated in high school, he ran off but got in touch with you months later to tell you he was in love with you, and you still loved him. You became friends again, went to visit him, and went to bed with him?"  
  
Rory blushed and shrugged a shoulder. "That's the really short version, yes."  
  
"And now you're still friends?  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'm still not seeing what this has to do with us being together," Sigmund said, "unless. . . are you still in love with him? Is that why you won't let me touch you?"  
  
Rory held her breath and gnawed at her lower lip for a moment, but that hesitation was enough of a conformation for Sigmund.  
  
"You are," he said quietly. "You're still in love with him."  
  
"I-I don't know for sure if I am or not, but those feelings are still there. I haven't seen him in years . . . it's so confusing. Sig, I didn't mean for you to get pulled so far into the middle of this," she said earnestly. "I really didn't."  
  
Sigmund pushed to his feet and started pacing around the room. "If you're in love with another guy, why would you go out with me in the first place, much less stick around for as long as you have?"  
  
"It's going to sound horrible, even more horrible than it already does, but it was sort of Jess's idea. I didn't really want to, but he and I are just so far apart. He thought it would be easier if we saw other people," Rory said sheepishly, realizing how hurtful it must sound to be told you're a placeholder.  
  
"And he's seeing someone else too?"  
  
"He was. She broke up with him and left town in January. He hasn't really been seeing anyone since then."  
  
Halting his continuous passes around the room, Sigmund faced Rory again. "Okay, this is a lot to take in. I need to ask you to leave, so I can think about this."  
  
Rory got up and took half a step toward Sigmund, but stopped when he recoiled. "Sure, I understand. I'm just so so sorry."  
  
"I'm sure you are," he said, waving toward the door. "Just go."  
  
Nodding sadly, Rory left the apartment quietly and walked slowly down to her car. The ignition turned over solidly, and she found herself driving blindly toward Stars Hollow. She pulled up to the house but sat in the car for a long moment watching the light of the television flicker through the living room windows and illuminate the dusky porch. With a sigh, Rory shut off the car and made her way to the front door. It was unlocked as always, and she stumbled in gracelessly.  
  
"Mom," she called feebly, "where are you?"  
  
"Upstairs!" Lorelai called out. "What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you tonight!"  
  
Rory climbed the stairs slowly and turned into her mother's bedroom to find Lorelai half buried in the bottom of the closet. Sighing weightily, Rory toed off her shoes and collapsed face down on the bed.  
  
Lorelai continued to speak without turning around. "Babe, you haven't seen my strappy black shoes with the sparkly, red, heart-shaped buckles have you? I told Patty I'd lend them to the fall dance recital."  
  
"Mom," Rory said again weakly.  
  
This time Lorelai backed out of the closet on all fours and turned quickly. "Sweetie? What's wrong?" She crawled over to the side of the bed and brushed Rory's hair out of her face. "What happened?"  
  
"I'm an awful, awful excuse for a human being," Rory said shakily, tears spilling down her cheeks.  
  
"Oh, hun, no you're not. What makes you say that?"  
  
Rory sat up and wiped her eyes and slid to the floor to sit next to her mother. "I was at Sigmund's watching movies, and he started to . . . you know."  
  
"I can imagine," Lorelai said dryly. "I really don't want to, but I can imagine."  
  
"And I said to stop," Rory continued, ignoring Lorelai's tone, "so he did. But then he started again, and I said I didn't want to, that I couldn't. He wanted to know why, and all this stuff about Jess just started pouring out."  
  
"What stuff about Jess?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"All of it," Rory wailed. "Everything about us dating, him leaving, going to visit him and sleeping with him, still possibly being in love with him . . . all of it."  
  
Lorelai sighed but reached out to hug her daughter. "What happened after that? What did Sig say?"  
  
"That's the worst part," Rory said with a sniffle. "He was really calm. I mean, he asked why I didn't tell him sooner and why I stayed with him if I still had feelings for Jess, but Sigmund never yelled. Even when he told me to leave, he was so polite."  
  
"Well, he's a sweet boy," was all Lorelai could think to say. She winced when it set off Rory's tears again.  
  
"He is sweet!" Rory sobbed. "He's sweet, and he cares about me, and I think I broke his heart!"  
  
Lorelai didn't have an answer, but she did have a question. "At the risk of not sounding supportive, why didn't you tell Sigmund about Jess sooner?"  
  
Rory pushed away from her mother and shoved her hands though her hair. "I don't know. When I got his number from Grandma I think I did it just so Jess would shut up about seeing someone else and to get back at him for moving on. But then Sigmund was really nice, and we had fun together . . . so I thought I'd just see what happened. If nothing else we could be friends."  
  
"But Sig didn't just want to be friends with you. You had to notice that pretty quickly, Rory."  
  
"I did," she sighed. "I just didn't know how to tell him, and then I started to have feelings for him. Not love, but I cared and didn't want to see him hurt."  
  
"Especially if you were the one doing the hurting." Lorelai looked at Rory's teary face and debated if she should say what was on her mind. Discretion lost the battle. "It's a little like Dean all over again, isn't it."  
  
Rory stared at her mother with wide eyes. "Oh. My. God. What is wrong with me?! Why do I keep doing this?!"  
  
"I don't know, babe." Lorelai swallowed and proceeded with caution, more out of her own conflicting emotions over what she was about to say rather that a worry about upsetting Rory further. "Both your relationship with Dean and with Sig crumbled over Jess. Maybe it's less than a pattern of behavior and more . . . I don't know, fate trying to make sure you end up with the right guy."  
  
"Mom, I think that's the corniest thing you've ever said to me."  
  
"Oh, I know. But maybe that's what it is."  
  
"I thought you hated Jess."  
  
"He's not my favorite person in the world," Lorelai confirmed, "and sometimes I wish he'd never shown up here so you wouldn't have to feel like this, but there's obviously something about him that you're drawn to. And you're a pretty decent judge of character most of the time. Maybe there's something about Jess I'm missing."  
  
Finally, a small smile graced Rory's lips. She wrapped her mother in a hug and rested her head on Lorelai's shoulder.  
  
Lorelai blinked rapidly to stop the threatening tears. It wasn't what she envisioned for her little girl, breaking up with really solid, dependable guys to run to the bad boy, but it seemed to be what Rory was meant for. And Lorelai supposed it was some small comfort that it was the same bad boy every time, but she still couldn't help fearing that it would all blow up in everyone's faces some day. She hoped she would be proven wrong.

* * *

The next morning, Rory shuffled after her mother into Luke's. Luke looked up and gave a terse wave to the two of them while continuing to talk on the phone.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, right. I get it. I just want you to be really sure about it. It's a big deal. There'll be more consequences than you might realize," Luke said into the phone, delivering coffee to Lorelai and Rory who were seated at the counter. He couldn't help but notice that Rory looked upset.  
  
Rory felt Luke's eyes lingering on her and looked up from where she'd been examining the edge of the counter. She offered him a half-hearted shrug and a weak smile. Once he turned away, she went back to picking at the counter and tuned out all the usual diner noise. Her body jerked back in surprise when Luke suddenly shoved the handset of the phone under her nose.  
  
"Here," he said. "You look like you need this more than I do."  
  
"What?" she asked, bewildered.  
  
"Just take it and say 'hello,'" Luke urged.  
  
Rory looked over at Lorelai while gingerly taking the phone. When Lorelai only shrugged, Rory did as Luke asked. "Hello?"  
  
Jess's concerned voice filled her head. "Hey. What's wrong? Luke says you look depressed."  
  
"I just had a bad night," Rory said quietly, glaring all the while at Luke and letting him know she wasn't happy about his interference.  
  
"What happened?" Jess continued to press.  
  
Rory sighed. "I don't want to talk about it right now, not here."  
  
"So it's more serious that just a bad grade, huh?"  
  
"I'm past getting depressed over bad grades," Rory said huffily.  
  
"Yeah? I'm not," Jess revealed. "I got them for so long, you'd think it wouldn't be a problem. But no, when it happens now I get sort of upset."  
  
Rory smiled despite her bad mood. "See what happens when you try to do well?"  
  
Jess laughed ironically. "Sure, you get pissed when you don't. So, you're really not going to tell me what's wrong?"  
  
"Can I call you in a couple of days? I need a little time to work some things out before I'll feel like talking about them."  
  
"Sure. Thursday?"  
  
"Okay," Rory agreed. "I'll talk to you then, Jess."  
  
"All right. Bye, Rory." He hung up and left her listening to the dial tone.  
  
Rory handed the phone back across the counter to Luke. "Don't do that again," she told him.  
  
Luke shrugged. "Fine. Just thought he might be able to cheer you up."  
  
"That was Jess?" Lorelai asked, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.  
  
"Yep." Rory look and deep drink of her coffee and didn't say more.  
  
"Is he really all that effective at cheering you up?"  
  
"Sometimes. I'm just not ready to let him try yet."  
  
Luke came back, order pad in hand. "Pancakes or French toast today?"  
  
"Both," Lorelai said.  
  
"And pie," Rory added. "We're misery eating. Gotta have pie for that."  
  
"'Misery eating,'" Luke repeated. "Can I ask why?"  
  
"Boy trouble," Rory and Lorelai said at the same time.  
  
Luke only nodded. He didn't want details on anything concerning the love life of either one of the Gilmores. "Be right back, then."  
  
Lorelai turned back to her daughter once Luke had gone into the kitchen. "You're really going to tell Jess what happened?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Do you think that's a good idea?"  
  
"Why wouldn't it be?" Rory wanted to know.  
  
"I don't know," Lorelai said. "I guess it's just that Jess is sort of involved pretty deeply in this even if he doesn't know he is. Do you really think it's a good idea to pull him into this again. You don't even know how he feels anymore, do you?"  
  
Rory sighed. "No. So, maybe I won't divulge details. I'm still going to tell him what happened. He's my friend if nothing else; he told me when he broke up with Dana. It's the sort of thing you talk to friends about."  
  
Lorelai shrugged, sipping quietly at her requisite cup of coffee. "Okay, if that's what you want to do. I just want you to be careful, sweetie. The last thing I want to see is you getting your heart trampled by Jess again."  
  
"Mom, I know you're worried, but that's not going to happen. You don't even know what Jess is like anymore. He's not that same thoughtless kid that you still think he is. He never was . . . not really, but that's probably just my opinion."  
  
"She's right, Lorelai," Luke said, coming back with a pair of loaded plates. "Jess is a lot more responsible now. He actually thinks about the results of his actions . . . most of the time, anyway. There are a lot of changes in him that people around here would be surprised to see. I never would have said this four years ago, but going to stay with Jimmy is probably one of the best things Jess has ever done."  
  
Lorelai remained skeptical, watching Rory and Luke wear similar knowing little smiles as each of them thought about Jess. This wouldn't be the first time that Jess had fooled the two of them.

* * *

When Rory returned to the suite she shared with Paris late Sunday afternoon, there was a note from Sigmund tacked to the door. She pulled it free with a sigh and opened the door with a sharp kick.  
  
Paris had been sitting on the sofa, and she looked up at the noise. "What was that for?"  
  
"Because I am an idiot, but it's too hard for me to kick myself," Rory grumbled and opened the note. "'Call me when you get in. We need to talk,'" she read aloud.  
  
"Trouble in paradise?" Paris asked snidely. "What happened, you not let him open all your doors for you this weekend?"  
  
Rory sat down next to Paris, curling her feet underneath her. "Did you know that I am a terrible girlfriend? I didn't think I was, but I learned otherwise this weekend."  
  
Paris's eyes widened. "What are you talking about? What happened?'  
  
"That's where it gets fuzzy, because it all happened so fast. One minute it was just another Saturday night, and then it seemed like the next second I was spilling everything," Rory shrugged. "And that's when I realized that I am the worst girlfriend Sigmund's probably ever had. Then I go home, and my mom points out that I was also the worst girlfriend to Dean, and then I think about some of the things I did to Jess. Expecting him to be someone he wasn't, not trusting him when I should have, all that stuff. So it's not just with Sig. I am an all around wretched girlfriend, always have been, and probably always will be."  
  
"And you're sure you're not just overreacting just a little bit?"  
  
"Nope, I don't think so," Rory said with conviction. "I think only bad girlfriends date a guy for almost a year, refuse to let him do more than kiss her, and then, when he gets all concerned that there some kind of traumatic reason why I won't let things get physical, I unload all this stuff about how I think I'm probably still in love with another man."  
  
"I'm going to go out on a limb and say the other man is Jess," Paris said smugly. "I always thought you were lying when you said you were over him."  
  
"Well at least you refrained from actually saying 'I told you so,'" Rory snapped. "I appreciate that at least. I'm having an emotional crisis here, Paris. You can't be a little supportive?"  
  
"All right, all right," the other girl sighed. "I'm sorry, Rory. I know you like Sigmund a lot. I'm sure even if you aren't in love with him, it still hurts to break up."  
  
Rory nodded. "It does. Though, I'm not sure if we've actually broken up. Last night, as upset as he was, he never said he wanted to break up. He just said that he had to think." She waved the note around. "And now he wants to talk. That'll probably be about breaking up."  
  
Paris looked at Rory skeptically. "You almost sound like you don't want to break up with him. You're not considering staying with him if he asks, are you?"  
  
"No, not seriously," Rory sighed. "I'm just uncomfortable with the whole breaking up thing. Never have been good with that."  
  
Paris gave a small and uncharacteristic laugh. "I don't think it's something you're supposed to get used to. It's kind of always going to be uncomfortable."  
  
"Yeah, it'd probably be a really bad sign if I were comfortable with it." Rory swallowed thickly and toyed with the note in her hands again. "I should call him."  
  
"The sooner you do, the sooner it's done," Paris said sagely and got up. She patted Rory on the shoulder in what passed for an affectionate gesture from Paris Gellar. "I'll be in my room."  
  
"Thanks," Rory said quietly and waited until Paris's door closed before getting up and grabbing the phone. With a weary sigh, she dialed Sigmund's cell phone and waited for him to pick up.  
  
He answered quickly. "Hello, Rory."  
  
"Hi. You asked me to call you when I got home."  
  
"I did," Sigmund agreed. "I'm at the coffee kiosk in front of the library. Is it okay if I come over?"  
  
"Sure. I'll be here."  
  
"All right. I'll see you in about fifteen minutes."  
  
The phone cut quickly to silence, and Rory was left to wait. She thought briefly about knocking on Paris's door to have a little company for the time it would take Sigmund to arrive but decided against it. As nice as it would have been to let Paris fill the air with chatter and ranting and lose herself in it, Rory decided it would be better to use the brief time to collect her thoughts and prepare herself for any and all inevitable conversations that Sigmund might want to have with her.  
  
Almost twenty minutes later, Sigmund rapped at the door. Rory opened it carefully and stood to the side as he entered.  
  
"Sorry I'm late," he apologized. "I brought you a latte." He presented her with the paper cup and offered a shy smile along with it.  
  
"You didn't have to do that," Rory told him, taking the cup. "But thank you."  
  
"You're welcome." Sigmund shrugged off his coat and laid it over the back of the couch. "So, how was your weekend?"  
  
Rory sighed and sipped at her coffee. "Guilt-ridden."  
  
"Good," he snapped bitterly. Quickly, he softened. "Sorry. That was rude. I shouldn't take pleasure in the fact that you've been upset. "  
  
"No, don't be sorry," Rory told him. "You have every right to feel good about me feeling awful. I've treated you terribly. You must have been miserable, too."  
  
"Yeah, that's an accurate description. But the nice thing about being miserable is that it gives you a lot of time to think." Sigmund ventured further into the room and perched on the arm of the couch. "Would you answer some questions for me?"  
  
Taking a deep breath, Rory nodded. "Sure. Whatever you want."  
  
He shook his head ironically. "Not really, but I don't think I'm going to get what I want no matter what I do. So, I'll have to be happy with answers." He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Why did you ask your grandmother for my number?"  
  
"I don't know," Rory replied weakly. "I was frustrated and angry with Jess, and Grandma kept telling me how nice you were and how much I needed to get out and meet new people, that I was missing out on part of the college experience. I think I was just tired of everyone pushing me from every direction, and I did what I thought I needed to do to get them to shut up."  
  
"To accomplish that, all you really would have had to do was see me once and then tell everyone that you weren't interested in me. Why'd you agree to see me again, to keep going out with me?"  
  
Rory shook her head and looked at Sigmund. "I had a nice time with you. You were sweet and fun and didn't push at me about anything. I thought we could be friends."  
  
"I didn't exactly want to be your friend, Rory," Sigmund said pointedly. "You must have realized that at some point."  
  
She nodded, dropping her eyes so she wouldn't have to look at hurt rolling off of Sigmund in waves. "I'm sorry. I should have ended things when I knew how you felt, but I didn't know how; I didn't want anyone to get hurt."  
  
Sig laughed sarcastically. "Brilliant plan, that. No hurt feelings now."  
  
"It was stupid! I know that," Rory cried. "I shouldn't have done it. If I could take it back I would!"  
  
Even though he was visibly upset, Sigmund's voice continued to remain calm and even. "But you can't take it back. You did it, Rory, and there isn't any way that it can be fixed."  
  
"I know that," she agreed sheepishly.  
  
"Yeah," he sighed, "I'm sure you do." Sigmund got to his feet and tugged his coat back on. "Well, this is it then. I'm going to go because, as much as I thought I wanted to know what you were thinking about this whole situation, it's going to make me crazy to sit here and listen to you tell me how sorry you are over and over again. So, I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from me."  
  
Rory blinked in surprise. "Um . . . okay. That's . . . but, maybe someday we could get together and . . . ?"  
  
"No, we can't," he said abruptly, his anger finally surfacing. "I don't want to meet sometime for coffee in a few weeks or have lunch or see a movie. I don't want to be your friend, Rory. There is nothing you could possibly say to me right now that will change my mind about that." Sigmund opened the door and was about to leave, when he gave Rory one last look over his shoulder. "If you really are in love with Jess . . . well, I hope you treat him better than you've treated me."  
  
With that last shot, the door snapped shut, and Rory was left staring at the back of the door with tears stinging at the corners of her eyes. She tried to scrub them away with the back of her hand, but that didn't work. Instead, she buried her face in her hands and wept.  
  
"Rory?" Paris asked quietly, her head peeking around her door frame. "Are you all right? Is there something I can get you or do for you or anything?"  
  
"No," Rory said quietly when she'd gotten the tears under control. "I don't deserve to have anyone do anything to try and make me feel better right now. What I did was wrong and hurtful, and Sigmund's right. I have to deal with that because nothing I can do will take it back and make it better." She turned and regarded Paris solemnly. "I just need to be alone for awhile."  
  
Turning, Rory moved slowly into her room and shut the door firmly behind her. She crawled onto the middle of the bed, curled around her pillow, and began to cry again. This time the tears came not because she was hurting, but because she had hurt so many others and had done it knowing that her actions were going to cause pain someday. The last thing in the world she wanted was to become cold and unfeeling toward others just to try and save herself some heartache. Gulping in air as the sobs grew in intensity, she made a vow to herself that she wasn't going to run from her true feelings any longer no matter who they might hurt.

* * *

The week dragged on heavy feet for Rory as she anticipated her promised Thursday call to Jess. She'd reminded herself several times that she didn't have to wait until Thursday to call. He would probably be happy to hear from her on any day, but Rory'd made herself wait, less out of concern for Jess's schedule, and more wanting to take the time to plan out what she wanted to say, how she wanted to tell him how she still felt, so it didn't come tumbling out in disjointed strings of words that would likely leave the both of them very confused.  
  
Finally, Thursday night graced her with its presence, and Rory found herself sitting in the middle of the living room floor in the suite staring at the phone in her lap. Paris was out at a study group, and Rory was reminded of the very first call she'd made to Jess after he'd sent his letter. That call also started with her sitting alone, phone in her lap, and stomach in nervous knots. Shaking out of the nostalgic moment, Rory took a deep calming breath and dialed Jimmy and Sasha's where she knew Jess would be.  
  
The phone was answered before the second ring had even started. "Yeah, hang on," Jess snapped into the phone. Mere seconds later a slam crashed in Rory's ears, and she heard Jess yelling angrily. "Lily! Get your skinny butt back here and clean this up! I mean it, Lil! I've got a lighter, and I'm not afraid to turn Harry Potter into ashes!"  
  
Lily's horrified shrieking was also audible over the phone. "You wouldn't dare!"  
  
Jess's lighter sounded over the phone. "Try me," he said stonily.  
  
Lily screamed again. "I hate you!"  
  
"I care. Broom, now!" A heavy sighed rattled the air as Jess returned to the phone. "Sorry. Hello."  
  
"Hi," Rory replied. "That's an interesting way to answer the phone. How'd you know it was me?"  
  
"I didn't," he replied. "I thought it might be, but I wasn't sure."  
  
"So shouting matches are the way you're answering the phone now? What if it hadn't been me calling?"  
  
"Then you probably would have hung up," Jess reasoned. "And yes, shouting matches are how I answer the phone after an emotional eleven year old has hurled a half-full water glass at my head."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. It's been a fun night, and I've only been here for twenty minutes."  
  
"What happened?" Rory asked, still amazed that Lily would have such a violent fit of temper.  
  
"She and Sasha got into a fight over something before I got here, and I got the tail end of her tantrum."  
  
"You don't know what they were fighting about?"  
  
"They've been getting into it a lot lately. I try to stay out of it when I can, but I'm pretty sure it's about Lily wanting to be able to go down to the boardwalk alone and Sasha not letting her because it can be dangerous."  
  
Rory made a small hum of understanding. "So, Lily thinks she's old enough to go out, and Sasha's having a hard time convincing her otherwise."  
  
"Yep," Jess agreed. "And tonight Lily's resenting me because she thinks she doesn't need anyone to stay with her at night anymore. Hence the flying glass."  
  
"I just can't picture her doing something like that."  
  
"She's got Sash's temper . . . it takes a bit to set it off, but once it goes it can be down right scary." Jess sighed again, "But, it isn't anything you have to worry about, and it's not why you called . . . to hear about me. Tell me what was wrong the other day?" he asked, caring concern flooding his usually gruff voice.  
  
Rory's stomach fluttered a bit at his tone, and she found herself needing a distraction to calm down before getting to the reason she called. "Well, of course it's something I have to worry about if Lily's throwing things at your head."  
  
"Nah, she's got horrible aim. She missed me by a foot and a half. Now stop stalling, and tell me what was wrong."  
  
"It was just . . . um, Sigmund and I had a fight," she said softly, all her prior planning flying out the window.  
  
"Oh." Jess's tone went from concerned to flat with that one syllable. "That's too bad. I'm sure you'll work it out," he said unconvincingly.  
  
"I don't think so; he broke up with me." She heard Jess's breath hitch followed by him swallowing with an audible gulp.  
  
"I'm sorry to hear that," he said with even less conviction that before.  
  
Rory laughed under her breath. "Liar."  
  
"What happened?" he asked, ignoring her statement.  
  
"Sig . . . he kept asking me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and I kept telling him no."  
  
"And he broke up with you because of that?" Jess wasn't yelling, but his anger was nearly palpable even over the phone. After his question he got very quiet, and only his harsh breathing registered.  
  
"Jess? What's going on? I don't like it when you're silent like this."  
  
He spoke after another moment of quiet. "Sorry. I was just trying to figure out how long it would take me to get to Connecticut so I can slam his teeth down his throat."  
  
"No, Jess," Rory said in a rush, "you don't have to do that. It wasn't like that."  
  
"Well, what was it like then? Why shouldn't I come back there and beat the shit out of the guy?"  
  
"Because it wasn't his fault. I wouldn't do what he asked because . . . because . . ." Rory stammered and faltered before trailing off entirely. She wasn't sure she could do this anymore.  
  
"Because of what, Rory?" Jess ground out. "What the hell is going on?"  
  
"I still have feelings for you!" she blurted out. "Sigmund broke up with me because I think I'm still in love with you!"  
  
A droning dial tone was Jess's response to her revelation.  
  
Rory pulled the phone from her ear and stared at it, wide-eyed and open- mouthed. The steady hum of the dial tone filled her mind and held her immobile, unable to react to this bizarre turn of events. Usually, she was the one hanging up on him. With the sound of her blood rushing in indignation replacing the humming of the phone in her ears, Rory angrily depressed the buttons to call Jess back.  
  
"I'm sorry," Jess rasped when he finally re-answered the phone. His breathing sounded too fast and too shallow.  
  
"You hung up on me?" Rory's voice was shrill and verging on hysterical. "You actually hung up on me!"  
  
"And I said that I'm sorry," he whispered again, his breathing still not sounding right.  
  
"I can't believe you did that!"  
  
"Stop yelling at me!" Jess's breathing picked up speed again and a clattering rattled in the background. "Shit. Lily!"  
  
Rory listened as a scuffling occurred on Jess's end of the line, syllables of concern in Lily's girlish voice melted over the phone. Finally, Rory was addressed again.  
  
"Um, hello?"  
  
"Lily, what's going on?"  
  
"I . . . I'm not sure, Rory," Lily fairly whimpered. "Jess is all sweaty and hyperventilating, and . . . wait, he wants me to get him something." The phone was dropped with a crash of plastic on tiled floor and the faint rushing of water became audible.  
  
"Lily! Lily, talk to me!" Rory was starting to hyperventilate herself. It sounded like Jess was dying, and it was her fault for telling him how she felt. She felt utterly helpless and kept crying into the phone for someone to tell her what was happening. Minutes that felt like years passed before she got an answer.  
  
"Rory, you still there?" Jess's voice was dry and rough, but it was his voice, and the sound of it made Rory cry harder. He tried to soothe her. "Shh, Rory, it's all right. I'm fine. Baby, stop crying, please. It's okay."  
  
She gulped in mouthfuls of air, snuffling until she sobered enough to form words. "Jess? What happened? What's the matter?"  
  
"Not sure," he answered. "I think I had a panic attack. Can't be sure though, I've never had one before."  
  
"Why?" Rory wanted to know.  
  
"I never had reason to have one before," Jess answered with a bark that would have been a laugh had his throat not been so dry.  
  
Rory wanted to be stern with him, scold him for making light of the situation, but she was too happy to know that he was okay to pull it off. Instead her question came out sounding almost giddy. "Why have one now?"  
  
"Because you scared the hell out of me," he said matter-of-factly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't try that innocent act. After three years, you lay that on me, and you expected me to take it with a smile and a thank you?"  
  
She was offended by his tone and what he was saying, so Rory lashed back. "Well, I certainly expected you to be a little tougher and not crumple into a wheezing lump!"  
  
"You want me to hang up on you again?" Jess snapped. "'Cause keep it up and I will." He sighed heavily into the phone and then replaced the expelled air with a deep breath. "Ah, hell. This was not supposed to happen like this."  
  
"What does that mean?" Rory's voice was colored with confusion. She reached up and pulled a throw pillow from the couch into her lap, twisting and folding the corners of the soft velour square between trembling fingers.  
  
"I've imagined you saying what you said to me, but I always saw it on my terms . . . me showing up at your dorm or your house and goading you into admitting how you felt. You never said it first."  
  
Rory's brow creased as she thought about what Jess had just said. "You've imagined me telling you that I still love you?"  
  
"Yeah," he told her quietly, "but I always had to say it first."  
  
Her heart skipped in her chest. "But . . . then, does that mean that you still . . . ?"  
  
Jess breathed a short laugh. "Seems that way."  
  
"Oh," Rory sighed happily, trying to hold back a grin. "Well, okay."  
  
"We're pathetic," he said suddenly.  
  
"What makes you say that?"  
  
"We know how this situation turns out, and here we are right back at the beginning of it again," Jess reminded her with a heavy note of depression in his voice.  
  
Rory shivered to hear such sadness in his tone when she was so happy. "How can we already know how this is going to turn out? We're completely different people than we where when we tried this the first time. It can be completely different this time . . . better."  
  
"I wish I had your optimism," Jess sighed.  
  
"We won't know how it's going to end unless we try, Jess," Rory told him firmly. "It seems like we both want to, and maybe, since we keep coming back together, we're supposed to try."  
  
"God, we're really going to do this again, aren't we?"  
  
"You don't have to say it like that. It's not like I'm asking you to help me hide a body or anything."  
  
Jess finally laughed. "No, that would probably be easier. But . . . we'll see."  
  
"Good," Rory replied with smug satisfaction. "I'm glad we got that settled."  
  
"Yeah, yay for us. So . . . anything else new?"  
  
"Not really. Mom tried to throw me a surprise birthday party, but I found out about it from Lane about a week ahead of time so I was prepared for it."  
  
"Were they going to make you wear a pointy paper hat all night?" Jess wondered.  
  
She laughed. "No, no hats. You're still not over that are you?"  
  
"I will never be over that. Me and a dozen dogs all wearing party hats and eating ice cream. Sasha's lucky I even come over here anymore after that."  
  
"I think it sounds cute."  
  
"I'm sure you do." Jess cleared his throat. "Hey, Rory?"  
  
"What?" She got momentarily nervous that he was going to change his mind about everything.  
  
"Would it be okay if I ended the call now? Not that I don't want to talk to you, but I really think I should lie down. My head is splitting," Jess told her.  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure," Rory assured him. "You go and try and feel better. I'll talk to you later, right?"  
  
"Right," he said firmly. "Good night, then, and . . .Iloveyou."  
  
The words had come out in a rush, smashed together like cars in a pile-up, but she understood them perfectly. "I love you, too, Jess. Good night." She waited until she heard the dial tone again before hanging up herself. Then she squealed like a little girl being told that she was going to get a pony. Rory jumped up and skipped around the room giggling and grinning. The grin stayed on her face until her happy bounding took her into her bedroom, and she caught sight of a picture of her and Lorelai on the dresser.  
  
"Oh, crap."

* * *

Author's Note: I'm terribly sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I wrote three entirely different versions before I was reasonably happy with the outcome. I've also had to squeeze in writing while looking for and interviewing for a new job, which I have now happily found. The next chapter will be up as soon as it's finished, and it will also be the last chapter of the story. Please review if you have the time. 


	19. Chapter 19

Author's Note: I got this chapter up as soon as I could, but some days, after spending 8 hours at a computer at work, I just didn't feel like sitting down at a computer when I got home. I hope you all understand, and with a nearly 40 page chapter I think you can forgive me. Now, on to the final installment of BNFD.

Once again, anything recognizable belongs to someone else.

* * *

Chapter Nineteen: Someday All The Rules Will Bend

March 2007

It was a misconception that spring break was always parties on beaches and people going crazy, drinking too much, and sleeping wherever they happened to land with whomever they happened to land on. Sometimes spring break was down right boring and depressing. Rory sprawled on the couch in her mother's living room wondering again if she should have gone with some of her friends to Texas or Florida. She'd declined their offers, saying that she just wanted to spend some quiet time at home, forget about school somewhere comfortable where she could relax and not worry about getting tossed into a pool or mauled on a dance floor.

That plan had seemed perfect when she'd said it, but now, after only two days, she was bored out of her skull. Stars Hollow was the same as it ever was, not that it wasn't perfect in its own quaint way, but the bustle of college had caused Rory to become accustomed to some noise, some movement and excitement, even if she wasn't directly a part of it at the time. The quiet in the house was starting to become oppressive, and she had to do something.

"Blah!" Rory yelled as loudly as she could, listening to her voice reverberate in the empty house. It didn't help; it only made her feel more isolated and alone to not have an answer to her grumbling. Shoving to her feet, she wandered into her room in search of something to occupy her time until Lorelai returned home from her day at the inn.

Her fingers trailed idly over the surface of the dresser and the top edges of the drawers. Pulling a few open, she surveyed the books still hidden inside of them. One narrow tome, wedged tightly against the side of one of the drawers, caught her attention, and she pulled it free carefully. A smile lifted the corners of her mouth as she caressed the creased cover and opened the somewhat flattened pages. The familiar words of the main text and the tidy notes in the margins filled her eyes caused the smile to widen. It suddenly became clear to her what she could do to salvage her vacation.

Rory pulled an old book bag from the bottom of the wardrobe and began shoving things into it, packing them hurriedly and probably forgetting more than a few things she might need and including things that she probably wouldn't use at all. Slinging the bag over her shoulder, keys and wallet in one hand, she snatched up her cell phone and scrolled through the memory until she found the number she wanted.

"Dragonfly Inn. This is Lorelai. How can I help you?"

"Hi, Mom."

"Hi, sweetie. How's your day of relaxing going?" Lorelai asked.

"It's okay, but sitting around isn't as relaxing as it used to be," Rory replied. "I'm going to get out of the house for a bit, maybe go into Hartford and do some shopping or something. So, if I'm not here when you get home, you shouldn't worry about me."

"Okay, babe, have a good time. If you should happen to come across a shoe sale, bring me back something pretty," Lorelai said with a laugh.

Rory laughed as well. "All right. I'll see you later, Mom."

"Love you. Be careful."

"I will. Love you, too." Rory switched off the phone as she unlocked the door to her car and slipped behind the wheel, tossing her things into the passenger seat next to her.

An hour later she was at the airport maxing out her credit card.

* * *

"It's not normal," Jess muttered for what felt like the millionth time in the last five months. He was thinking of his relationship with Rory again and how he'd seen her once in the last three years, yet she still permeated his every thought. Before he'd met her, he was hardly a fan of long-term, committed relationships; brief encounters and month long flings had been more his speed. Now he found himself being faithful to a woman an entire continent away, a woman he had contact with only through phone calls and occasional packages containing shared books, and . . . he liked it. That was the strangest thing of all to him, the feeling of being content in his life for the first time in very long time. Of course, actually being able to see Rory in person would be even better, but it just wasn't possible right now with her finishing up Yale and him trying to figure out his future. It seemed like as happy as they ever got with each other, there was always something to keep them apart.

A frenzied yapping destroyed the quiet of the night and his thoughts. Jess looked up from his book and scowled at Lily. She only waved dismissively at him without looking up from her own novel.

"I went last time," she said flatly. "It's your turn again."

Jess closed his book with a snap and heaved himself out of the corner of the couch. Sasha's new rescue, a high-strung terrier mix, barked at everything. His tail, his shadow, another dog's tail or shadow, it didn't matter. The little mutt, Lily had taken to calling the thing Pippin because he ate so much, thought everything was a threat. The last time he'd started barking uncontrollably because a withered leaf had blown across the yard and smacked him in the nose.

"What spooked ya this time, Pip?" Jess muttered, pushing through the back door. "A dried up flower petal, or maybe another . . ." The rest of his question died in a strangled breath. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.

Crouching in the yard, patting the spastic dog on the head, was Rory.

"Hey," she said shyly once she noticed him. She stood and shoved her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.

"Ah . . . wha . . . hey," Jess sputtered.

Rory smiled softly at his struggle to find his voice. "Surprise."

"No, shit," he breathed, eyes far too wide and hands trembling before he could bring himself back under control. "What are you doing here?"

"Don't really know," Rory said with a shrug. "It's spring break. I was at home, just sitting there with a book, and I got this sudden urge to see you. So I went to the airport, and here I am."

"Just had an urge?" he questioned. "To see me? Not to, say, run out for ice cream?"

"Awfully long way to come for ice cream. I know it's weird. I'm blaming the book." Rory pulled a slim volume out of the book bag that had been laying unnoticed at her feet and tossed it to Jess.

He caught it and looked down. A smile flashed briefly over his face. "Huh."

"The strangest thing is that I was looking at it when I decided to come see you the last time."

Jess quirked an eyebrow. "Really? You know, people used to try to tell me that stealing stuff would catch up with me in the future. They didn't mention that it would be so pretty when it finally caught me."

"Funny," she said with a chuckle, "but it's actually that best minds of a generation being wasted thing that reminds me of you the most."

"Ouch." He clutched melodramatically at his heart. "Coming all this way to wound me with your barbs? That's harsh, Rory, very harsh."

With a small smile, Rory stepped around Pippin and moved toward Jess. Her hands landed lightly on his waist, and she tipped her chin up to bestow a soft kiss on his lips. "Better?"

"I don't know," he told her with a smirk. "I'm going to need a little more to go on to really make that judgment." Without waiting for her response, Jess wrapped an arm around Rory's back, pulled her firmly into him, and pressed his mouth to hers, kissing her solidly until her lips softened and parted under his. Then he gentled the pressure but deepened the kiss, making both their hearts speed and heads spin.

"Well, that still works," Rory said with a sigh after she'd reluctantly pulled away to catch he breath.

Jess nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that's always worked for us, though."

"And what about the rest of it?"

"That remains to be seen. But you're here now; that makes seeing a little bit easier."

"Yes, it does." She expelled a contented breath and leaned into Jess. "You're so warm. I've missed that, warm and solid."

"You're goofy when your happy."

"I've always been goofy when I'm happy."

He laughed, "I remember. I always liked that about you." He pulled her closer, hand smoothing through her hair. "I like pretty much everything about you.'

"'Pretty much everything?' What don't you like?"

"Your mother comes to mind."

Rory gnawed nervously at her lip. "You have that in common with her, then, because she doesn't like you much either. She's going to freak when she finds out I'm here."

Jess pushed her back slightly and looked into her face. "Lorelai doesn't know you're here?"

"Um, no?" Rory paled at his stern look. "I might have told her I was just going out to relax. It's not my fault that didn't happen until I was somewhere over Ohio."

"Shit, Rory," he groaned, "why didn't you tell her? This is going to be bad." He pulled away from her and paced around the yard, stepping over Pippin as the dog clamored for attention. Suddenly, he stopped, took Rory by the elbow and steered her to the back door. "You've got to call her, right now."

Rory pulled her arm away from him. "Don't tell me what to do. I'm an adult; I do not need to check in with my mother over every decision I make."

"Oh, jeez, did you pick a bad time to realize that. This is Lorelai, Rory," Jess said emphatically. "Do you really think if you don't come home tonight she won't call the police to look for you? I think your grandparents might actually be able to swing an armed forces search party."

She flushed further and swallowed thickly. "Where's the phone?"

Jess led her into the kitchen, handed her the phone, and went back into the living room to give Rory some privacy to make her call.

Lily looked up as he sat down again. "What was it this time?"

"Rory," Jess said nonchalantly, picking his book back up and returned to reading where he had left off.

"WHAT?" Lily shrieked. She sprang up to charge into the kitchen, but she was stopped by Jess's arm wrapping around her waist.

"She's got to call home and let her mom know she wasn't kidnapped or murdered," he told the squirming young girl. "You can pounce on her when she's done."

Lily pouted but sat back down next to Jess, and they both strained to her Rory's conversation in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Rory had dialed home with shaking fingers. She waited, holding her breath, until her mother answered the phone.

Lorelai didn't even bother with a greeting. "Rory, honey, is this you?" She sounded frantic.

"Yeah, it's me," Rory said meekly.

"Thank God! Where are you? It's after eleven! I thought you were just going shopping!"

Rory sighed. "I did, sort of. I just bought something unexpected."

"What?" Lorelai demanded. "Rocket powered roller-skates with no brakes, passage on the QE2, what?"

"A plane ticket to California."

As soon as the first syllable of California left Rory's lips, Lorelai started screaming. Rory wasn't sure what her mom was yelling about though. She'd pulled the phone from her ear to keep her eardrum intact. When she finally dared to put the receiver back to her ear, she winced and wish she hadn't.

". . . thought you knew better than to run off like this again! Don't you remember the problems it caused the last time you disappeared from town to run after Jess?" Lorelai paused to draw a breath and continued with her ranting. "Why do you do this, Rory? What does he say to you to get you to do things like this?"

Rory took a deep breath to keep from yelling herself. "Mom, he doesn't say anything. Jess had no idea I was coming out here. I had no idea I was coming out here until this morning. You have to stop blaming Jess for the decisions I make."

"Sweetie, I just . . ." Lorelai tried to explain, but Rory cut her off.

"I know you just want what's best for me, Mom. Believe me, I know that, but I'm an adult now. It's up to me to decide what's best for me. I know you were really upset when Jess and I got back together, but that's the way it is. And you have to stop waffling on telling me I know what's best for me and telling me that I'm letting other people influence my decisions. It's one or the other, Mom, and I think we know which one is true."

Lorelai seemed to be stunned into silence. She started to speak several times, but she never completed a word, much less a sentence.

"I'll call you back in a few days when we've both had some time to think about this, okay?" Rory asked gently, not wanting to set her mother off again.

"Okay," Lorelai agreed. "Just . . . be careful, honey."

"Always," Rory promised. "Love you, Mom."

"I love you, too." Lorelai hung up without saying anything else, leaving Rory to listen to the soft buzzing of the dial tone for a moment.

She set the phone carefully back into the cradle and looked at it for a moment. Shaking her head clear of the thoughts talking to her mother had left in her head, Rory turned on her heel and went into the living room where she knew Jess and Lily were waiting for her. She'd barely cleared the threshold of the room before Lily was vaulting over Jess and rushing to Rory's side.

"Ican'tbelieveyou'reherethisissoamazingwhydidn'tyouwritemeandtellmeyouwerecomingforavisit?" Lily questioned in an unbroken rush.

Jess laughed and tried to rein Lily in to keep her from knocking Rory to the floor in her excitement. "Jeez, Liliput, calm down. Rory's not going to disappear in a puff of smoke in the morning," he told the exuberant girl. "I don't think anyway." He raised an eyebrow in Rory's direction.

"Nope. I'm here until the first part of next week," she confirmed. "We'll have plenty of time together." The comment seemed to be directed at Lily, but her eyes were locked on Jess.

Lily squealed in delight, and then proceeded to fill Rory in on every event and little change that had happened in the house and yard since Rory had been there last. New dogs were introduced, piles of pictures were hauled out and rifled through, new books where shown and discussed, and before any of the trio realized it, three hours had passed. Only when Jimmy and Sasha breezed into the kitchen did Jess notice the time. He winced immediately as Sasha noticed Lily was still awake.

"Jess," she drawled carefully, "what is my daughter doing up over an hour past her bedtime? You both do remember that she has school in the morning, don't you?"

Jimmy had slipped quietly into the room and taken over the chair Rory had recently vacated to disappear into the bathroom. "You guys are so screwed," he said under his breath to Jess. "I hope you have a good excuse for this."

"I think I can come up with one," Jess mumbled back, watching Lily start to pout under Sasha's glare. Her stern looks had long since stopped having an affect on him, so Jess merely cocked his head at Sasha, refusing to buckle under her growing ire. Besides, as he heard the bathroom door faintly creak open, he knew she wouldn't stay mad for long.

Sasha took a deep breath in preparation to let her daughter and not-quite-stepson have it, but that breath curled into a strangled yelp in her throat when she caught sight of Rory in the hallway leading back from the bathroom. "Oh, holy hell! Honey, you scared me," she gasped, moving to pull Rory into a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"Just came for a visit," Rory said with shrug as she returned the hug.

"Did I pay for this?" Jimmy asked, leaning around Jess to see Rory better.

"No, I did," she assured him.

"Cool. Nice to see you again."

Rory stepped away from Sasha. "Thanks. Lily and Jess have just been catching me up. We didn't realize it was so late. I hope she won't get into too much trouble." She shot a wink in Lily's direction.

Sasha sighed. "I guess I can let her slide this one time, but she has to scram to bed right now before I change my mind."

"All right," Lily sighed. She drug her feet while crossing the room to Jimmy. "Good night," she said, giving him a hug.

"Night, kiddo," he replied and kissed her forehead.

"See ya tomorrow, Liliput," Jess said.

"'Kay," she said and hugged him as well. Lily shuffled back across the room and wrapped her arms firmly around Rory. "Will I see you tomorrow, too?"

"Of course," Rory promised.

Sasha laid a hand on Lily's head. "Enough stalling, Lil. Off to bed now."

"Fine, fine," Lily grumbled, kissing her mother on the cheek. "Thank you for not yelling."

"You can pay me back by getting up in the morning without fussing," Sasha replied and laughed as Lily stuck her tongue out in protest and scuttled down the hallway.

Once Lily had departed, Rory found herself the center of attention. Not that she wasn't before, but it was different now that Jimmy and Sasha were the ones bombarding her with questions instead of Lily's endless stream of inquiries. It was more nerve wracking to think that people her mother's age were judging her actions and possibly finding them at fault. She jumped when Sasha laid a hand gently on her arm.

"You okay?" the older woman asked. "I think we lost you there for a minute."

"Sorry. I'm just really tired." She shot a pleading look at Jess.

He didn't disappoint. "Yeah, we should get going so she can get some sleep. But we'll come back for dinner tomorrow?" he questioned, making sure it was all right with Sasha.

"Absolutely," she confirmed. "I'll be pissed if you don't come back." She gave Rory a friendly squeeze on the shoulder.

"All right, we'll be back then," Jess said firmly, picking up Rory's bag from where it had been resting on the floor near the couch. He stepped across the room and took Rory gently by the wrist. "See you tomorrow," Jess nodded to Jimmy.

"Sure, kid," Jimmy responded. "Be careful tonight, huh?" he added under his breath.

Jess frowned at his father, not appreciating the innuendo, and ushered Rory out of the house quickly.

"Good night!" she called back over her shoulder as the door snapped shut behind Jess. When they were out on the sidewalk, Rory wheeled and slapped Jess harshly on the arm. "Why did you do that?"

"They were making you nervous," he offered in explanation. "When you get nervous, I get nervous. And when I get nervous I run off, remember?"

Rory huffed out a breath. "It was still rude. I'm not just some toy you can stomp home with when you're upset. You're not a three year old."

"I know. I'm sorry." The apology was sincere and heartfelt, and it showed in Jess's face. He found himself blushing a bit, and Rory reached out to trace his warm cheek. He turned his head and kissed her fingers. "And maybe I just wanted to finally be alone with you."

It was Rory's turn to blush. She pulled her hand away from him and looked down at her feet. "Oh," she said quietly. Of course she'd thought about being alone with Jess again, about all the things that could happen when the were finally alone together, but she wasn't sure she was quite ready for them, and that showed in the way she wrapped her arms around herself and became instantly shy.

Her reaction made Jess speak quickly to try and change the sudden mood change. "Not that I'm expecting anything to happen now that we're alone. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I just . . ."

"I know," Rory cut him off. "I know what you meant. Just take me home."

"Okay." He tentatively took her hand and smiled when she didn't pull away. The two of them walked silently back to his apartment, shoulders brushing as they leaned into each other.

Once back at the apartment, Jess set Rory's bag on the bed and sat on the edge of the mattress while she rifled through the bag. Suddenly, she gave a small disgruntled cry and looked up.

"What's the matter?" Jess asked.

"I seem to have forgotten my pajamas," Rory said, frustrated with herself.

He chuckled at her pouting face. "It's not a big deal. I've got more than one t-shirt around here you can sleep in. Just raid the closet," he told her, "and I'm going the bathroom to change."

Rory watched his back disappear into the bathroom and then went to the closet to find something to put on. In the back of the closet, wrinkled and pressed against the wall, she found a faded Metallica t-shirt that she remembered fondly from Jess's first days in Stars Hollow. She pulled it free of the hanger and brought it to her face, breathing in deeply. The shirt clearly hadn't been worn in a long time, but it still carried Jess's sent. Rory quickly shed her own travel rumpled clothing and pulled the age softened shirt over her head. Pulling the blankets on the bed down, she climbed onto it and waited.

When Jess emerged from the bathroom minutes later clad in only in his boxer shorts, he found Rory perched on his bed, pale legs curled under her as she worried the hem of the shirt between her fingers.

"Found something to wear?" he asked lamely, mesmerized by the bare inches of thigh revealed by the short length of the shirt.

"Yeah."

"Good. So, I'll just grab a blanket and crash on the couch." He moved to pull a blanket from the box he kept them in under the bed, but Rory's hand on his arm stopped him short.

"You don't have to," she told him quietly. "We can share the bed."

"Rory . . . I don't need . . . if you don't want to . . . there isn't any pressure here."

"I know that, Jess, and I appreciate that because I'm not . . . just yet, anyway. But that doesn't meant that you can't sleep next to me . . . and maybe hold me a little?"

He nodded. "I can do that." He crawled up next to her, waiting for her to dictate the next move. Rory slid down on the bed, resting her head on a pillow, and tugged Jess down next to her. He pulled the blankets up over the both of them and carefully draped an arm over her hip. She sighed happily and pressed her forehead to his chest.

"I love you," Rory whispered, wrapping her arm around Jess's back and burrowing close to him and letting the steady beat of his heart lull her to sleep.

"Love you," Jess whispered back, kissing the top of her head before his own eyes fell shut.

* * *

Jess jolted awake the next morning after dreaming that he was carrying something on his back. It wasn't heavy, and he wanted to carry it, but he had to be very careful with whatever it was. He could tell it was fragile, and if he broke it there would be a lot of people incredibly upset with him. The source of the strange dream quickly became apparent when he realized that during the night he'd rolled onto his stomach and Rory had moved to stay close to him. Of course, that meant that she was lying almost completely on top of him. He could feel the worn cotton of the t-shirt she'd liberated from the depths of his closet against his back and the soft skin of her leg against the backs of his thighs. Smiling softly, he reached down and tickled the back of her knee.

"Rory," he said softly, "wake up."

She muttered something intelligible and burrowed closer to him. Her breath ghosted over the back of his neck, and Jess shivered.

He tried again to coax her awake, "Rory, come on."

Her arm flung out uselessly as she tried to bat his hand away from her leg. "Don't wanna," she mumbled sleepily. Realizing that she couldn't deter his tickling fingers, she sunk to his level and trailed her hand up his ribcage making him twitch.

"Angel, please," Jess begged, "you're killing me, here."

That brought Rory fully awake. "What did you just call me?" she asked, her early morning haze bleeding away into surprise. Jess wasn't usually one for fuzzy endearments.

"Nothing," he said quickly and buried his head underneath the pillow.

"Liar. Tell me what you meant." Rory moved off of his back and urged him to roll to face her.

Jess blinked at her owlishly for a moment, feigning ignorance, before crumbling under Rory's pleading eyes. "Fine. Remember the very first time you came out here to visit me?"

Rory nodded, "Like I'd forget that?"

"Right, anyway, I was there waiting for your flight to get in, the sun was starting to set, and you came into the gate." Jess sighed and reached up to play with a lock of her hair. "You had all those windows behind you, and, with the sun going down, you were all backlit with this golden rosy glow. I felt like I was Dante and you were Beatrice. You looked just like an angel."

Rory's breath caught in her throat, and she felt tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. She thought that that was the most beautiful, perfect thing anyone had ever said to her. Sitting up, she pushed Jess onto his back and climbed over him, straddling his hips. Her lips crashed into his, hands balled against his shoulders.

Jess was a bit startled by the ferocity of her actions, but he recovered quickly. His arms folded tightly around her, and he unconsciously pressed his hips up against her. Rory's ragged moan against his lips made his blood run hot. Flipping their positions, Jess pinned Rory to the bed and moved his hungry mouth from her lips to her throat.

She whispered his name, the sound of it strange in her ears after so long, and held him closer until his hand started to raise the hem of the already rucked up shirt she was wearing. "Jess," she said again, louder this time, "please don't."

He stopped instantly, moving his hand down and away from her. His mouth stayed against her skin for a moment longer, breath moist against the heated flesh of her neck until he pushed himself up on shaking arms. "I'm sorry," he said gruffly, still holding his weight above her. "I didn't mean to push you."

"You didn't," she told him as she reached up to cup his face in her hands. "I just . . . not like this."

"I know," Jess nodded. "It's important, this starting over thing. It shouldn't be rushed." He moved off of her and collapsed back onto the bed next to her.

"Exactly." She reached over and gripped his hand. It meant so much to her that he was willing to wait even with her lying next to him. So she couldn't possibly tell him now that it wasn't just starting over that would be rushed if they continued now. There was no way she could let him know that he had been the only one she'd ever been with in that way . . . it would make the pressure on him too much. She'd never told him if she was or wasn't sleeping with Sigmund, but she knew that Jess assumed she had been. After all, he'd been with other people, why on earth would she abstain? It was just a secret she needed to keep, hopefully the only one she'd keep from him for a long time.

On the other side of the bed, Jess was having serious thoughts of his own. He could tell something was making Rory uncomfortable about getting more physical with him, and it wasn't just nerves. As much as she thought she was able to keep things from him, he knew there was more bothering her than just being near each other again. Hell, it was her decision to come out and surprise him; she had to be at least slightly more comfortable being around him than he was her at his point.

Which left him to conclude that he was the problem. Or, more specifically in his mind, his relationship with Dana was the problem. He didn't have any problem believing that Rory knowing that he shared this bed with Dana would be an issue. If he were back in Connecticut in the bed Rory'd probably spent nights with Sigmund in, he'd be uncomfortable too. This was just a situation he had to deal with delicately and try to help Rory over it.

The buzzing of the alarm clock brought an abrupt end to both of their thoughts. Jess pushed up on a elbow with a groan and leaned across Rory to slap the small box into silence.

"Do you have to work today?" Rory asked quietly, swallowing thickly at the sight of Jess's chest hovering so close above her face.

"Was supposed to," Jess said, "but I can get out of it." He bent down and kissed her nose. "Stay here."

Rory sat up as he slipped off the edge of the bed and went to the phone. "I don't want you to get in trouble or anything. You can go to work if you want to; I can find something to do all day."

"Believe me, I'd much rather stay here with you today then sit around a warehouse with a bunch of guys with beer guts who tell the same dirty jokes day after day." Jess picked up the phone and dialed. "Benny? I'm not coming in today . . . Yeah, whatever. You'll survive . . . I got something personal to take care of for a couple of days . . . No, I'm not telling you what . . . Fire me, then. I don't give a shit . . . Uh-huh. Sure, Ben. I'll be back in on Thursday." Without saying another word, Jess hung up and made his way back to the bed.

"Jess, I don't want you to get fired over my being here. Just go to work. I'll be fine," Rory insisted.

He just shook his head and pulled her back down to lie next to him. "Ben threatens to fire me at least three times a week. If he hasn't done it yet, he won't do it now. I know as well as he does that I get more done in that place in one day than anyone he could find to replace me."

Apprehension continued to creep across her face. "Are you absolutely sure you're not going to get in trouble?"

"The only reason Ben is my supervisor is because I refused to take the position."

"What?!" Rory pushed away from him and sat up rigidly next to him.

"I was offered a supervisor position about six months ago," Jess said with a shrug and propped himself up on an elbow.

"Why didn't you take it? Wouldn't it have meant more money?"

Jess's eyes narrowed slightly and grew dark. "Yeah. It also would have meant accepting a career in driving a damn forklift. That's not what I want." His tone was sharp and warned against starting an argument, but Rory rarely paid attention to that.

"You wouldn't have needed to make it a career," she protested. "It could have been a good opportunity to have some responsibility that future jobs could build on."

"Shit, you sound like a guidance counselor," he grumbled. "If I'd taken it, I'd have gotten lazy, complacent, and not tried to move on. This way I feel like I have to go somewhere else . . . so I am."

Rory's eyebrows lifted in a graceful but surprised arch. The question was asked solely through that action.

"I'm moving this fall, leaving California."

Tears welled at the corners of Rory's eyes. She refused to lose Jess again, not so soon after getting him back. "Where are you going to go?" she asked, the cracks thick in her voice.

"Going back to New York," Jess revealed quietly. "I got accepted to a couple of universities in the city. I just have to decide which one I can afford."

Trembling lips turned to a smile, but the tears still fell. Rory wiped them from her cheeks as quickly as the fell. Sitting up, Jess helped her clear the tracks of moisture from her face.

"What's wrong?" he asked. A horrified look crossed his face. "Don't tell me you've taken a job out here after graduation or something."

"No," Rory replied quickly, shaking her head emphatically even as Jess held it cupped in his hands. "No. I applied to graduate programs at NYU and Columbia. And other places too, but I wanted to be in New York more than any of the other places I applied, and that was before I knew you were . . ."

The rest of Rory's rambling was cut short as Jess's lips crashed into hers. He started to push her back on the bed but remembered her earlier reaction and checked himself, pulling away carefully and sliding back a bit on the bed. "Sorry. Got carried away."

"S'okay," she mumbled through swollen and tender lips. Despite her assurances, her eyes were far to wide to be believable.

Jess shook his head. "It's not okay; I scared you. I can tell."

"You were happy, you reacted. I can't get mad at you for that," Rory paused for a moment and hesitantly continued, "but there is the possibility that I won't get into either of the programs in New York, you know. I don't want either one of us to get our hopes up too soon."

"Don't think like that," he said softly. The emotion was raw in his voice, the heartbreak he would feel at being denied a true chance to finally make things work between them, and it startled both of them into silence.

Rory suddenly shook her head and clambered off the edge of the bed. "Let's not think about it at all right now. Let's do something else completely."

"Like what?" Jess questioned, catching Rory's sudden burst of enthusiasm and turning on his knees on the bed to face her.

"Let's go to the beach!" she blurted with an excited bounce on her toes.

His enthusiasm waned, "The beach? The water's going to be too cold this early in the year."

"I don't care about the water. I just want to go sit and watch the waves . . . spend time with you like at the bridge in Stars Hollow."

"Oh." Jess got off the bed and stood in front or Rory. "That sounds nice." He tipped forward and brushed his lips across her forehead. "You wanna shower first?"

Rory returned his affectionate gesture by lightly kissing his throat. "Do you mind?" she asked as she stepped around him in the direction of the bathroom.

"Nope." He swatted her playfully on the butt as she moved past him. "Take your time. I'm going to run out and grab some breakfast. What do you want?"

Feeling suddenly wicked, Rory decided to take Jess's question and run with the unintentional innuendo. She looked at him slyly over her shoulder and arched an eyebrow. "Wouldn't you like to know."

"Don't play with me, Gilmore. I've only go so much restraint around you . . . plus these mood shifts of yours kinda freak me out."

"Good," she giggled and disappeared into the bathroom.

Jess waited for the door to snick closed before sinking back down onto the edge of the bed. Then he buried his face in his hands and let himself grin like a giddy little boy.

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, Jess stepped back into the apartment, large paper bag in hand, to find Rory sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by his CD collection. The bag hit the floor with a crackle and a splat.

"What are you doing?" he asked incredulously.

"I got bored, so I'm reorganizing your CD's," Rory replied primly.

Jess moved into the room, leaving breakfast forgotten on the floor, and stood over Rory. "There was nothing wrong with the way they were. I liked them arranged by genre."

"And you'll learn to love them alphabetically." She looked up at him as if to challenge him to disagree with her.

"This is unbelievable. I leave you alone for less than an hour, and you're already taking over." He sank down to sit across from her. "Have your fun now, Ror, 'cause you are not getting your way over everything in New York. You can organize you stuff however you want, but you leave my crap alone."

Rory stopped in mid-motion, CD case hanging limply from her fingers, and stared at him. "I . . . are . . . are we going to be in a position where our stuff is mixed together so much that we'd need to decide how it's organized?"

"At some point, yeah," Jess replied matter of factly. "You hadn't thought about that?"

"Well, sure . . . but, not for, you know, a while. And, I mean, I've only known that we might both be in New York together for about an hour and a half." Rory dropped the case, and her hands fluttered helplessly. "It's just too much . . . I don't know how to respond to that, and I . . ."

Jess reached out and grabbed her hands. "Rory, calm down. It's fine if you don't want to live together. Like you said before, we don't even know if you'll get into a New York program. And if you do and you want to live in school housing or on your own for awhile, that's fine. I won't get mad; it's not going to change anything." He pulled her to her feet and guided her to the couch. "Come on, now. I got you pancakes that are almost as good as Luke's. We'll eat and go to beach like you wanted. No more thinking for at least twelve hours."

Rory let him sit her down and waited while he retrieved the momentarily forgotten take out bag. The box he placed in her lap was comfortably warm on the bottom, and when she opened the lid, she was met with the buttery smell of fresh pancakes. She smiled gratefully at Jess and tucked in hungrily. He returned the smile and started to eat his own breakfast.

The meal passed silently, and when they were both finished eating, Jess took the empty boxes to the kitchen and tossed them into the trash. Still without speaking, he took Rory's hand and didn't let go of it until they had reached the soft sand of the beach near the Inferno. He sat down and pulled her down in front of him, settling her between his knees. Rory sighed contentedly and leaned back against his chest, her hand coming up to comb through the long hair at the nape of Jess's neck when he rested his chin on her shoulder.

"When was the last time you cut your hair?" she asked idly after a few minutes.

"Sasha came after me about six, seven months ago and hacked at it. Why?"

"Just curious. I kind of like it when it's shaggy like this. All thick and wavy."

He laughed against her neck. "I'll keep that in mind. And since were making non-conversation about hair, I like that you've kept yours shorter."

"Why is that?" she asked quickly and then back-peddled. "Not that I care . . . just keeping up the absence of serious talk, you understand."

"Absolutely," he replied. "It never crossed my mind for a moment that you might be vain concerning your hair. And I like it shorter because it makes you look older, less little girl perfect, so I feel just a little bit less like I'm ruining you."

Rory craned her neck back. "You've never ruined me, and you're not about to start now."

"I can think of more than a few people who disagree with you," Jess scoffed.

"Stop that," Rory admonished with a slightly less than gently tug on his hair. "I've told you more times than I can remember that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, only what I think. Besides, we're venturing into serious talk, here. That's against the rules right now."

He nodded against her shoulder and searched for a subject to change to. It seemed that at that moment his best course of action was to fall back to their old standby. "Ayn Rand is still a political nutcase," he whispered into her ear.

Rory's laugher burst out like a ringing of jubilant crystal bells. She pitched backwards, knocking Jess over onto the sand. They playfully shoved each other back and forth, laughing and tickling each other until they forgot that there was anything serious on either of minds in the first place.

The day passed quickly in that fashion, the two of them talking about books and music while wandering the beach and the boardwalk, pausing whenever the mood struck them to exchange kisses on street corners or in the middle of the sidewalk. Eventually, they made their way to the Inferno, still laughing and bickering.

"I still can't believe after all this time you won't give Hemingway even a small chance," Jess griped, shaking sand out of his hair, "but I will agree that Steinbeck can cure insomnia."

"Or give you nightmares," Rory said, helping him brush the sand from his shoulders. "The end of _The Grapes of Wrath_? Still gives me the shivers."

Jess nodded in agreement and then sighed as more sand fell from his hair. "Tell me again why you dumped three handfuls of sand on my head?"

"Because the look on your face was priceless."

"I see. Glad I could be of service then." He moved up to the empty Inferno counter and hopped halfway through it, supporting his upper body on the meager shelf. "Jimmy!"

Given the small space inside the stand, it only took a moment for Jimmy's head to appear from around the opened refrigerator door. "What do you want? And get off the counter!"

Jess dropped down. "I want what everyone standing out here wants. Quick food served by an obnoxious staff."

"Sorry, we've only got that when you're working," Jimmy replied with a shrug. "You'll have to just settle for the food. And you know where that is; come back and get it yourself if you're in that much of a hurry." He moved up to the counter and looked out at Rory. "Hey. I'm supposed to ask you what you want for dinner if I see you. So, what do you want for dinner?"

"Please make a decision," Jess said as he rounded to the back of the stand. "Sasha's liable to make something involving tofu if you don't."

Rory turned wide eyes to Jimmy and winced when the older man nodded. "All right," she sighed. "I don't know . . . can't you just decide what you want, and tell her I picked that?" she asked Jimmy.

Jimmy grinned down at her. "Excellent idea! Bacon burgers it is!"

"Oh, jeez," Jess groaned from the back of the stand. He appeared next to his father a second later. "Those things are going to kill you someday," he muttered, "which means Rory'll love them."

"Hey!" she cried, reaching forward and swatting Jess on the head. "Not everything I eat is unhealthy."

"Sure it's not, Miss Chili-cheese onion rings. You want mustard?" he asked, shaking the bottle over the pair of hot dogs he set on the small service counter.

Rory nodded affirmatively, "Yes, please. And I seem to remember you liking those onion rings just as much as I do."

"I never said I didn't, but I didn't eat them every day for a month either. Towards the end I could even watch you eat them with out getting queasy."

"Poor baby," Rory pouted for him. She reached through the window and snatched the proffered hot dog from his hands. "If watching me eat upsets you that much, maybe I should take this and go home." Turning her back, she started to walk away.

Jess blinked, speechless for a moment. "I will never understand how she can shift moods so fast and not go crazy. This morning she was practically crying she was so nervous around me, and now . . . it's bizarre."

"And so the son surpasses the father in knowledge," Jimmy said with a false tear in his eye. "I'm so proud of you." He moved to wrap Jess in a bear hug.

"Get off me," Jess growled. He picked up his own lunch and spun on his heel to leave the stand and follow Rory.

"Dinner's at six!" Jimmy called out as Jess rounded the front of the building again.

Jess flipped Jimmy off without turning around as he caught up with Rory. The two of them walked side by side and ate in silence. Every so often Jess would look over and watch Rory chew for a few moments. It wore on her eventually, and she gave him a shove with her hip.

"Quit it," she told him between bites.

"What?" Flashing a lopsided grin, Jess shrugged. "Just proving it doesn't always turn my stomach to watch you eat."

Rory swallowed the last bite of her food and swatted at him. "Gosh, don't you just know all the things to say to turn a girl on."

"I try." Jess wadded up the remains of the hot dog wrappers and tossed them into a nearby garbage can as they passed. "Is it working?"

"Not so much."

"Guess I'll have to keep trying then." He slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his side, kissing her temple. Her arms wrapped around his waist, and she snuggled into him, giving each of them a very comfortable sense of deja vu.

* * *

The remainder of that afternoon rushed by too quickly, and that evening's dinner seemed to drag on interminably. Bacon burgers did in fact turn out to be exactly the kind of food Rory loved, hot, greasy, and guaranteed to shorten your life expectancy by a few hours. Sasha raised an eyebrow at Jimmy when the take out boxes were opened and the burgers emerged, as though she knew they were his idea, but she didn't say anything. Not that she could have with Lily talking nonstop about wanting to spend Saturday with Rory and all the things they needed to do together. By the fifth thing on the list, Rory's eyes had glazed over. She liked Lily, possibly more than she liked her own sister, but vacations were supposed to be relaxing and not nonstop running around with a hyper pre-teen. This vacation in particular was also supposed to be reconnecting with Jess, emotionally and physically, and that was going to be hard to do with Lily hovering around constantly all weekend.

Jess noticed Rory's overwhelmed expression, and reached over to tap Lily on the nose. "Hey, take a breath, okay? And remember that you're not the only one who wants to spend time with Rory. You have to share."

"But you got to spend all day today with her while I was at school," Lily protested. "I think you're the one who has to share."

Finally growing tired of being pulled around like dog's chew toy, Rory spoke up. "I think I'm still jet lagged and should get to sleep in tomorrow. And it's my vacation, so I should get to decide what I want to do . . . who I want to do it with."

Lily made to object and pout, but Sasha cut her off. "Rory's right, Lil, and you know that. You don't like it when someone tells you where to go and what to do. If Rory wants to spend some time with you tomorrow, then she'll come over and do that."

"And I will," Rory promised the quickly crumbling girl, "but maybe we'll spread some of those things out over Saturday and Sunday instead of doing them all in one day."

"Okay," Lily responded sullenly. Her talkative mood ceased as well, lapsing into brooding silence. "Can I be excused?" she asked softly and got up before receiving an answer.

"Lily . . ." Rory called after the girl's retreating back.

Raising a hand to signal for Rory to stop, Jimmy shook his head. "Don't waste your time. She's not hearing anything right now. Give her time to sulk; she'll be fine tomorrow."

"And don't worry about it," Sasha added. "She's eleven. This is what she does."

"But I just feel so bad for stomping on her plans," Rory sighed and got up from the table to help clear plates to the sink.

Sasha rubbed Rory's shoulder. "Don't feel bad, honey. Lily'll understand, maybe not right now, but when she's got a boyfriend of her own someday, she'll get it."

"Lord help us all when Lily starts dating," Jess mumbled. He shrugged when everyone turned to look at him. "What? You know she's gonna bring home a guy like me or Jimmy. It'll be a disaster."

"Hey!" Jimmy cried and cuffed Jess on the head. "We aren't that bad!"

Jess rubbed the back of his head. "Do you honestly want her dating someone like you?"

Jimmy's expression fell immediately. "Good point. We are heartbreak waiting to happen."

It was Sasha and Rory's turn to protest. "Thanks," they echoed each other dryly. "And," Sasha continued, "would it really be that terrible if Lily turned out like Rory?"

Cheeks flaming red, Rory looked down at her feet and whispered a thank you. She shied away from Sasha when the older woman pulled her into a hug. Jess got up from the table and crossed to replace Sasha's arm around Rory's shoulders with his own. He tipped her chin up with the knuckles of his other hand.

"Thought you'd be used to people being proud of you by now," he said to her. "The entire population of Stars Hollow practically throws you a monthly parade, and one little complement out here flips you out?"

"It's different," Rory replied with a shrug. "I've never seriously been a role model before."

"I hate to break it to you," Jess said with a laugh, "but you've been one since the first moment you set foot in this house." He sighed when Rory curled in toward him and burrowed against his shoulder. The motion of Jimmy's head gesturing toward the door caught his attention, and Jess cocked his head. Leaning down toward Rory, he whispered, "Did you want to leave?"

She shrugged again and refused to raise her eyes. "I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me; I'm just being silly."

"It's okay," Sasha said, lightly touching Rory's arm again. "We'll just find something else to talk about. Like . . . what are you plans once Yale is done?"

Rory's head snapped up at that, and she and Jess exchanged wary looks. They'd been holding true to their deal to not talk about the future all day. Changing that now, in front of other people, was not an option either one of them wanted to consider.

"Next subject please," Jess said with finality.

Sasha rolled her eyes and folded her arms, leaning next to the sink. "Okay, then. So . . . how 'bout those Yankees?" She smirked when Jimmy, Jess and Rory all stared at her blankly. "What? It was that or the weather."

"The Yankees are cocky bastards, and we haven't had rain in three months. Next," Jimmy said and tipped back in his chair like a little boy.

"Was I talking to you, fathead?" Sasha asked with a playful glower.

A grin spread across Jimmy's features. "Do I care, snowball? I'm just trying to move conversation along."

Hand flying self-consciously to her hair, Sasha tossed the wet sponge from the sink at Jimmy. They continued to snarl at each other as Jess and Rory watched, heads swinging back and forth like they were watching a tennis match. Eventually, Rory leaned up to speak quietly to Jess.

"What's going on? I didn't mean to come over here cause everybody to start fighting."

Jess looked at her oddly. "You didn't. They're tying to take focus away from you to make you feel better. This is affection through insults. You used to be really good at this."

"I guess I'm out of practice," she told him while still watching the older couple continue to spar verbally. "It's been a very long time since I had someone to do it with."

"I can fix that . . . brat."

"Jackass."

"Thatta girl." Jess tugged her in close and kissed her squarely on the mouth. He'd intended it to be a perfunctory kiss, more playful than passionate, and he was startled when Rory pressed her full weight against him and wound her arms around his neck. Her weight tipped him backwards, his hips colliding with the counter next to Sasha as he and Rory forgot that there was anyone else in the room . . . until icy cold water hit the side of Jess's head.

"Hey!" he spluttered. Jerking his head sideways, he discovered Sasha smiling and holding the hand sprayer from the sink. "That was uncalled for."

"So is foreplay in my kitchen." She squirted him again.

"Cut that out!" Jess snatched the sprayer from Sasha and turned it on her. Unfortunately for him, she reached out and slammed the sink off before he could soak her in return.

Rory had started blushing when she realized that she had forgotten any sense of decorum in front of Jess's family and had nearly mauled him right there on the kitchen floor, but the sight of Jess and Sasha tussling over the sink made her giggle. The giggle melted when Jess turned on her with an evil glint in his eye. The water hit her in the face, and Rory brought her hands up to shield herself from the frigid shower.

"Jess!" she howled, batting ineffectually at the broad spray.

He stopped spritzing her abruptly. "Yes?"

Gaping at his sudden turn for the innocent, Rory stood there dripping and at a loss for words. Jess sensed that he might have crossed a line and dropped the nozzle. He took a tentative step toward her with his hands stretched out in a mix of apology and surrender. Rory continued to stare at him as he advanced on her, or at least that's what Jess thought. He didn't notice that Rory's eyes were actually on Sasha behind Jess until the sink rushed back to life and water started streaming down the back of his neck.

"That's it," he sighed gruffly. "I don't have to take this." Turning, Jess smoothed his wet hair back, making sure to get the kitchen floor as wet as possible, and strode into the backyard.

"I should probably go after him," Rory said after watching his back retreat toward the outer gate.

"Probably," Jimmy agreed. He followed Rory's progress out the back door with his eyes and then turned to Sasha. "Do you think I should have reminded her that the hose is on that side of the house?"

Sasha cocked her head to the side and listened. When Rory's piercing shriek filled the air, she shook her head. "Nah." She turned back to the sink. "Help me wash these. Those two aren't coming back in here tonight."

Jimmy wondered what made her say that but did as she asked anyway. He'd long since learned to stop questioning Sasha's judgment about certain things. He hoped Jess would learn that more quickly than he did.

Meanwhile, Rory was standing around the corner of the house absolutely saturated as Jess leaned against the wall with his arms folded.

"Payback's a bitch," he quipped as a few of the dogs came up to lap at the puddles forming around Rory's feet.

"Mmm-hmm," she mumbled and reached down to rub Jerry Lee around his ears. Then, without any advanced indication, she rushed Jess and pinned him to the side of the house. She shook her hair out in his face, wetting him as much as she could with her dripping hair. Jess laughed but didn't try to stop her. He held her almost at bay while still letting her wring her hair out on his neck and chest. Eventually, Rory stopped squirming and trying to soak him and was just leaning against him.

"Wanna go?" he asked her.

"Yes," she answered sleepily. "We should go say good-bye."

Jess wrapped his arms around Rory and steered her toward the gate. "We'll say hello tomorrow instead."

"Rude."

"Remember who you're with."

"Right," she sighed, catching the gate closed behind the two of them. "My mistake."

"Don't let it happen again," he teased.

"Not a chance." Rory's tone was far from serious, and it made Jess smile in spite of himself. He half led and half carried her back to the apartment. She spun away from him to flop down on the bed once he'd unlocked the apartment door, but he grabbed her by the back of the shirt and held her back.

"No way," he informed her. "You are not getting my bed all soggy."

Rory whimpered but let him tug her behind him to the bathroom. A worn but soft towel was placed into her hands, and she used it to rub at her hair. While her face was buried in the terrycloth, Jess stripped of his wet shirt and tossed it into the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of the small bathroom. Rory looked up from the vigorous drying of her hair to find him toeing off his shoes and unbuckling his belt.

"What are you doing?" she asked, only a slight tremor of surprise coloring her voice.

He arched an eyebrow at her. "Taking off my wet clothes. And so should you, you know."

The small bathroom didn't afford her a lot of room to let Rory follow that suggestion, and after a moment of nervous edging back and forth she escaped into the main room of the apartment. Skirting the coffee table while hopping awkwardly on one foot, she pulled off her left shoe and collapsed onto the bed to remove the other. The softness of the mattress enticed her to stay horizontal, and she attempted to peel the wet denim of her jeans off without getting up. When she heard Jess come out of the bathroom, she'd only managed to wiggle them off of her hips.

"You want some help?" he asked from across the room, only half hoping she might say yes, so when she did, he almost fell over.

"Yeah, come here," Rory requested, kicking her feet ineffectually in the air.

"Wh . . . What?"

"Come help me." More feet wiggling followed, "Please?"

Moving cautiously, Jess crossed to her and knelt at the foot of the bed. The denim clung to Rory's skin, but he managed to peel it away and leave the jeans crumpled in a pile on the floor next to him. His eyes bounced around, trying not to linger on any area that might make her uncomfortable.

"Thank you," Rory said, raising her head off the bed to look at Jess sitting on his heels at her feet. She let out a small giggle as she saw how he was trying so hard not to look too closely at her.

Jess took her giddiness as fatigue and touched her ankle lightly in concern. "You tired?"

"Kind of." She sat up and looked at him. Their heights were so close that she didn't often get a chance to study him from above . . . at least not while he was awake. Looking down at him made her realize how many times she thought that he needed someone to take care of him, even if he wouldn't admit that. The thought made her smile softly at him and stroke his shaggy hair back from his face. Cupping his chin carefully, Rory drew Jess forward and kissed his forehead.

"What was that for?" he asked quizzically.

Rory shrugged. "Seemed like the right thing to do."

Leaning up off his heels, Jess moved towards her, watching her face. She laced her hands with his, and he felt an overwhelming sense of deja-vu, mind flashing back to another time in a kitchen rather than a bedroom. Actually, in several other kitchens . . . and a bedroom if he really thought about. But there wouldn't be any interruptions or arguments this time. As their lips met he pressed her backwards toward the bed. His heart lifted as playful laughter bubbled from her throat. She landed on her back on the bed with a soft thump, hair fanning out around her head in a chestnut halo. Jess stared down at her for a moment, not quite believing what was happening. At her quizzical expression, he broke into a sly smirk and crawled onto the bed with his forearms supporting his weight over Rory. She blushed prettily and pulled her lower lip between her teeth. Jess bent his head to coax the captured lip free with his own and slowly lowered himself to press her against the bed. Rory sighed into his mouth, pulled him closer, and tangled her hands in his hair.

Jess pulled away reluctantly and looked down at her again. "You're sure?"

"Would I be letting you do this if I weren't?" Rory asked in response.

"I hope not," he said, brushing her nose with his.

"I'm positive," she assured him and tipped her chin up to kiss him. "I love you, Jess."

He sighed and dropped his head to the curve of her neck, hiding his face. "I love you, too," he whispered, his lips brushing against her earlobe. A smile spread across his face when she shivered against him. He kissed her ear and the side of her neck again and again while she murmured nonsense and arched against him. The time for words was over.

* * *

Later, they laid on the bed in a tangle of sweaty limbs, rumpled blankets, and matching ear to ear grins. Rory was idly tracing circles around Jess's navel with the tip of one of her fingers and giggling when the muscles underneath jumped and twitched.

"I'd forgotten how good at that you are," she said quietly but full of mirth.

Jess chuckled causing Rory's head to bounce lightly against his chest. "We've been together a total of twice. You still don't have any idea how good it can be."

"Really?" she asked, sounding both intrigued and nervous. "Jess?"

"Hmmm?" He shifted to look down at the top of her head.

"How did you . . . no, I don't want to ask like that . . . where did you learn how to . . .?" Rory realized she didn't know how to properly phrase her question and let it drop off unfinished.

Jess knew what she was trying to ask anyway, and he answered her, "Just around."

She hummed, and her hand stilled against his stomach. "Can I ask how many girls there have been? Will you tell me?"

"If you really want to know," he said after taking a deep breath.

"I do," Rory replied, shifting to look up into his eyes. "Tell me."

"Okay." Jess thought for a moment and found he couldn't answer with her boring holes into him with her eyes. He turned his head to the side. "Including you there's been eleven."

She drew in a sharp breath. "Oh. That's . . . how old were you when you first . . .?"

"Fifteen."

"Fifteen," she repeated. "That seems young."

Jess only shrugged in response, afraid to look back at her, to see what was happening behind her eyes. "I suppose it was," he said eventually. "It averages out to less than two a year." It was a stupid thing to say given that she knew how many girls there had been while he was living in Stars Hollow and California. She could do the math and easily figure out that that meant in two years in New York there had been eight different girls. It hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time, but now that he was older he knew it was too many far too quickly.

Rory reached up and turned his chin, forcing him to look at her again. "It's okay. I'm not mad or anything, you know. It's just a bit surprising, but it's who you are." She chewed at her lip again and was bothered by his silence and blank expression. "You can ask me the same question if you want to."

"I don't want to know," Jess said softly, reaching down and running a hand through her hair . . . he was fairly sure that the answer would be two, which would leave her with less than a fifth of the experience that he had, and it would have just ratcheted his guilt back up. "You're here with me now. That's all that really matters."

She pushed herself up and kissed him sweetly. "You're right. No one else is important now." Rory snuggled into Jess's side, her head pillowed on his shoulder and her arms around his waist. Jess slipped one of his arms under her shoulders and the other over her hip, turning her to face him slightly and watched her eyes flutter closed in the dim room. He smiled down at her and marveled, not for the first time that night, at how lucky he was.

The next morning they both woke feeling playful and silly, and it was quite late in the morning before they let each other out of bed. If Jess had gotten his way, they wouldn't have gotten up at all, but the incessantly ringing phone made Rory nearly push him onto the floor to go and answer it.

He picked it up with a grumble when he saw that his absence gave Rory an opening to sneak into the bathroom. "Yeah?"

"Where are you?" Lily snapped in harsh inquiry.

"At home, genius. Where are you?"

"Jerk. I'm waiting Rory to come over."

"She'll get there when she gets there, Liliput. Relax."

Lily's pout was audible. "Can I come over there instead?"

Jess listed to water hiss on in the shower, looked down at himself wearing only his boxers, and then glanced over at the rumpled bed and clothes surrounding it on the floor and winced. "No way, Lil. Not right now."

"You never let me come over!"

"There's nothing here for you to do but go through my stuff and make a mess."

"So?"

"So . . . no," Jess reiterated.

"You suck," Lily huffed.

The events of the night before and that morning brought several double entendres to mind, but Jess wisely decided that they weren't meant for Lily's eleven year old ears. "Yeah, I know."

"When will you be here?"

"When we get there. It's Saturday. Don't you have cartoons or something to watch?"

Lily scoffed. "Cartoons are for children. I am not a child."

"Funny, you still look liked one last night," Jess told her, biting back a laugh at her imperious tone.

"I hate you," she sighed and hung up.

Leaning back against the counter, Jess clicked off the phone and laughed freely. He was still laughing when the phone rang again. "No, Lily, you can't come over now because I'm naked," he lied. "Now stop calling!"

"If you're naked, you better not be anywhere near my daughter."

Jess thought he was going to swallow his tongue. "Lorelai," he gulped, "hey. I'm not actually naked . . . I swear."

"Good to know," the elder Gilmore replied. "Where's my offspring?"

"Shower."

"As much as I don't want to tell you to do this," Lorelai sighed, "go get her out and put her on the phone."

His brow furrowed, and he scowled even though she couldn't see him. "Why?"

Lorelai huffed in frustration. "Damn it, Jess. I'm giving you permission to bust in on my naked daughter, and you're asking me questions? Just do it; it's important!"

"Rory's already given me permission to see her naked pretty much anytime I want to." Jess paused to let Lorelai finish gagging and the continued, "If I go in there she's going to want to know why, or she'll kick me out 'cause there's really not room for two in there. If there were, we wouldn't be talking right now."

Lorelai gagged quietly again. "Don't ever say anything like that to me again. And tell Rory the letters she's been waiting for came today."

"Fine. Hang on." Jess covered the mouthpiece of the phone. Knocking on the door first, he entered the steamy bathroom. "Ror? Your mom's on the phone, and she really wants to talk to you."

Rory's wet head appeared around the edge of the shower curtain. "Can't you take a message? I'm all soapy."

"She's pretty antsy about it. Says the letters you're waiting for came."

Squealing, Rory ducked back into the shower and within seconds had flipped the faucet of and emerged from the tiled cubicle. She wrapped herself in a towel and ripped the phone from Jess's hand. "Mom?"

"Sweetie, they're here! Both of them from New York!" Lorelai said giddily.

"What do they say?" Rory was bouncing on her toes in the middle of the bathroom.

Jess was watching her and reached out to steady her when she bounced into a puddle. "What is going on?" he asked and had to duck when Rory swatted at him. "Okay. Shutting up."

On the phone, Lorelai was wrestling with a pair of envelopes. "I didn't open them. I didn't know if you wanted me to read them or not."

"Of course I do! Tell me!"

"Okay, wait . . ." A rustling of paper filled the silence, and then Lorelai let out a jubilant shriek that even Jess could hear. "Yes! Both of them are yes!"

Rory screamed and flung herself into Jess's arms. He had no idea what was going on, but he started laughing along with her. Eventually, Rory sobered enough to speak to her mother again. "I did it! Mom, I did it!"

"I'm so proud of you, sweetie," Lorelai gushed. "We all knew you'd get in."

"Get in where?" Jess wanted to know, trying to get Rory's attention.

On her part, Rory finally seemed to notice he presence in the room again. "Oh, Mom," she sighed dreamily, "I have to go. Jess . . . I need to . . ."

Lorelai cut her off. "I so don't want to know, babe. Do what you have to do. We'll talk when you get home, but just know that I'm so so happy for you."

"I love you, Mom."

"Love you, too." Lorelai hung up after kissing the air next to the phone loudly.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on now?" Jess asked, trying to be stern and upset about being ignored for the last few minutes.

Instead of answering right away, Rory planted a deep passionate kiss on him. "I got in," she whispered. "NYU and Columbia. All I have to do is pick."

His breath left him in a shudder and a smile. "Huh."

"Yeah. Huh."

He kissed her again. "You know, Lily called right before your mom. She wants to know where we are and when we're coming over."

Rory seemed to mull that over for a moment and then wrapped warm fingers around his wrist to lead him out of the bathroom and back to the bed.. "She'll have to wait."

"Patience is a virtue," Jess agreed with a shrug and followed Rory as she crawled up on the bed.

* * *

Two hours later, they finally made it back to Jimmy and Sasha's.

Lily was waiting in the yard, tossing a ball to the dogs and scowling. "You are very late," she snapped.

"I didn't realize we had an appointment," Jess replied with mirth and surprise in his voice.

On her part, Rory was more apologetic. "Sorry, Lily," she said with a blush, "we got distracted." In Jess's ear she whispered, "Wow, puberty does not look good on her."

"Nope," he whispered back, "and to spare me her wrath, I'm leaving you with her and going inside. Sasha's scary, but I've never been worried about her pummeling me." With that, Jess disappeared into the house sticking his tongue out childishly at Lily when she glowered at him.

Rory giggled at his display and then found the laughter melting away as she watched the swagger in his stride and the easy roll of his hips. Watching him walk when he wasn't aware of it had been something of a past time of hers years ago. Back then the way he moved on his feet had made her wonder how he'd move in . . . other situations. The aftermath of their first time in one of those 'other situations' had been awkward, and they'd both been jittery around one another, nervous and angry with each other but not wanting to voice those feelings. She hadn't taken the time to really look at him after that. But now, after last night, Rory realized that when she'd watched Jess in high school she didn't realize half of the potential stored within him, physically, mentally, or emotionally. A soft smile drew the corners of her mouth up, and a contented sigh escaped from her lips.

After tilting her head to catch the last sliver of his back before he house swallowed him up, Rory turned to look at Lily. The younger girl was staring at Rory looking far more bemused than she should have a right to. Both girls shrugged and then started to laugh at each other realizing how silly they had both been acting. Lily stepped into Rory and hugged her, muffling her laughter against Rory's side until they were both gasping for air round their giggles.

Hearing their mirth echo in from outside, Jess looked out one of the kitchen windows and saw the two of them holding each other up as they laughed. It brought a genuine grin to his face to know that two of the most important people in his life liked each other so much.

* * *

The remaining days of Rory's visit passed in a haze of languid afternoons around Jess's apartment or the boardwalk, frenetic dinner's at Jimmy and Sasha's, and sensual nights tumbling in Jess's bed. But before anyone wanted to admit it, it was Wednesday morning and Jess was lying in bed watching Rory spin around the apartment like a dervish as she attempted to pack.

"Hey, Rory," he called as she ducked in and out of the bathroom for the fourth time, "we don't have to leave for the airport for five hours. Relax and come back to bed."

She stopped dead in the middle of the living room and looked at him like he'd sprouted another head. "No. No, no, no. If I go back over there, we won't get out of bed for another two hours, at least. Then we'll both have to shower, I'll have to finish packing, and we'll be incredibly late. And I can't be late. I have to get back and do all the work I was supposed to be doing over break when instead I was here with you. So, no way . . . not relaxing, and definitely not coming back to bed."

"Then at least take a deep breath and stop running around like a headless chicken. You're making me dizzy."

"No, I want to get this all done and make sure I'm not forgetting anything," she protested and dashed back into the bathroom.

Jess drug himself out of bed, pulled on the pants that were balled on the floor, and went to stand outside the bathroom door. He leaned against the frame and watched Rory pack, unpack and repack her toiletries. "You know, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were anxious to get away from me."

Rory's back stiffened and her flying hands froze in mid-movement. "Don't be stupid," she tired to joke but her voice broke. Silent sobs took over her body.

"Oh, shit," Jess sighed. He stepped into the room and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "I was kidding. Don't cry like this."

"I know you were kidding," she gulped. "That's why I've been running around like this. To stay busy so I don't have to think about actually leaving."

"Isn't packing just reminding you of what you're packing for?"

"I didn't say it was a perfect system," Rory replied, snuffling and bringing up a hand to wipe at her nose.

"It's only for a couple of months, and then we're both in New York. And we'll both be so busy it'll just fly by . . . no time at all."

She sighed, "You make it sound so simple."

"It is that simple," he confirmed. "You just have to let it be that simple."

Rory slowly started to stop crying and nodded her head. "Okay. I'll try. That's all I can promise."

"That's all I can ask," he agreed. Giving her another squeeze, Jess let her go and left her to finish her packing. He resigned himself to sitting on the couch and watching her dart back and forth around the apartment. It didn't escape his notice when she snagged of his shirts off the floor at the end of the bed and shoved it deep into her backpack. Jess elected not to say anything about it; the fact that she was stealing his clothing was actually kind of sweet in a way that he completely understood given that he was prone to stealing sentimental items too. That's why he had one of the sweaters she brought with her balled up in the back of his closet.

Eventually, Rory's repetitious packing slowed to a stop. She set her overstuffed backpack next to the door with finality and then crossed the room to join Jess on the couch. She slipped sideways across his lap and rested her head against his shoulder. The bare skin of his upper shoulder was warm under her cheek and his chest and back solid beneath her arms when she wrapped them around his torso.

"Done?" he breathed into her hair, brushing a hand down her back to rest on the curve of her hip.

"Done. Are you going to shower?" she wanted to know.

He shrugged the shoulder she wasn't leaning on. "Sometime in the next four hours, yeah. I'd kind of like to stay right here for now."

"Good," Rory said happily, nestling closer to him. She sat quietly, timing her breathing with his, and trailed her fingers up and down the ridges of his spine. "Come to my graduation in May?" she asked suddenly.

Jess squirmed uncomfortably. "I don't know, Rory. Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean, Lorelai and your grandparents . . . not my biggest fans. You should enjoy that day, not spend it worrying about separating fights."

"I won't be able to completely enjoy it if you're not there," she countered. "Please come, Jess. Please?" She punctuated her last 'please' with a kiss to the hollow underneath his ear.

A tiny groan slipped up his throat, and he leaned into her. "I'll think about it. That good enough?"

Rory pulled away and grinned. "Thank you. I'm going to shower now." Jumping off his lap, she skipped to the bathroom where she paused in the door way. "Wanna join me?"

Jess's eyes widened, but he grinned back at her. "I thought you didn't want to get that close to me this morning. It'd take up too much time."

"That was in the bed. We can't stay in the shower for too long. The hot water'll run out eventually. We'll still have plenty of time to make it to the airport."

"Good point," he said with a nod. Jess shoved to his feet and was across the room in seconds, his lips crashing down onto hers as he guided her back into he bathroom. The door was shut with a quick backward snap of his foot but their laughter still echoed out into the apartment, and if Jess had had any neighbors to hear them, there would have been no question as to how happy they made each other.

* * *

The loud speaker above their heads announced again that Rory's flight was boarding, but she stubbornly pressed closer to Jess. He held her close for another long moment, pressed a kiss to the side of her head, and then reluctantly released her. Rory blinked at him with wet eyes but nodded slightly in agreement with his actions.

"I have to go," she said hoarsely, her fingers plucking delicately at the collar of Jess's shirt. "I can't miss my plane."

"Nope, can't have that," he agreed in what he hoped was a light mood. The last thing he wanted was for her to start crying again the way she had on the freeway when he'd signaled for the airport exit. It became clear he wasn't going to be successful when her eyes started to mist over. He brushed softly at the skin beneath her eyes and cupped her cheeks in his hands.

Rory tried to offer him a smile as he wiped away the small tears that were starting to fall, but the quivering of her lower lip made that impossible. Instead, she threw herself against his chest again for another tight embrace. Her lips sought his fervently as yet another announcement for her flight echoed around them.

"Rory," Jess urged her softly, "it's really time to go."

"Right, right," she sighed. With a resolved nod, she picked up her backpack and pecked him on the cheek. "I love you."

"Love you, too." He watched her start to walk away and suddenly came to a decision. "Rory! I'll see you in May!" he called after her.

She spun around and gaped at him. "You'll come? To graduation?"

He nodded. "I'll be there. Promise."

Smiling broadly, her entire face lighting up, Rory blew him a kiss. "I love you, Jess," she called back to him one more time.

Jess only offered her a wave as the growing airport crowd consumed her. He stayed riveted to his spot until her could no longer see the back of her chestnut head bobbing within the mass of people. Only then did he turn and realize that instead of envying the other people in the airport around him, he was now receiving some envious glances of his own . . . and he found that he didn't mind that at all. With a renewed smile, he sauntered out of the airport with the air of a man who had everything going for him. Jess knew that that was far from the truth, but now, with a future with Rory on the horizon, it felt incredibly possible.

* * *

Author's Notes the Second: Well, that's the end. I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read, and extra thanks to the many of you who have left reviews. It means a great deal to me to know that I've given some enjoyment to others through this story . . . and before anyone asks, there is a sequel in the works. Just give me a bit of time to get my inspiration back. 


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